Explore how anxiety can show up in your life, work, and relationships
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I Spent My Life Worrying about Being Liked
Gabi Moskowitz, nationally acclaimed cookbook writer, TV producer, and generally great person, learns to let go of her need to please.
“Having a kid provides daily reminders of the limits to my likability.”
Until I learned that you don't have to like me.
A couple of years ago, someone I used to be friends with made it clear in a public way that he strongly disliked me. Truthfully, I didn't like him very much either, but I also didn't feel the need to share it explicitly. Because I didn't care to engage with him in what I perceived as a pretty inappropriate forum, I ignored his comments and that was pretty much the end of it.
While it was embarrassing to be the subject of someone's social media diatribe, I was surprised to find that I didn't especially mind that he had so much distaste for me. In fact, I kind of welcomed it. After all, it made sense that someone I wasn't a fan of wasn't a fan of me, and his loudness about it kind of broke the seal on the whole thing.
I have spent most of my life worrying about being liked. From mean girls on the elementary school playground, to cliques I felt rejected from in high school, to every guy who didn't want to date me, every job I didn't get, and every stranger who called me fat or ugly on the internet, I have taken it all as concrete proof that there was something wrong with me. But being lambasted by someone whose opinion didn't matter to me at all helped to highlight just how meaningless it is to be disliked by anyone other than the people I really care about. And once I wrapped my head around the fact that it was okay to not be liked by someone I myself didn't like, I started to think about how it's also okay to not be liked by a lot of other people too. I'm a complicated person with plenty of traits and habits that might not appeal to everyone. I don't like everyone -- why should everyone like me?
Having a kid provides daily reminders of the limits to my likability. My adorable eight-month-old attracts a lot of attention when we're out together, but strangers who try to touch her without asking (or honestly, even those who do ask first--why are you trying to touch a baby you don't know?) are met by a growling, protective mama bear I didn't know I had living inside of me. And those who offer unsolicited advice on how I should dress, carry, feed, or otherwise care for my baby are not responded to warmly.
Sometimes my daughter cries in restaurants or on airplanes, and, while I always do my best to be a good member of society and calm her down or take her outside, sometimes it's not possible and those around me have to deal with the screams of an upset baby. The codependent like-junkie side of me wishes I could find some way to simultaneously prioritize my baby's needs and keep myself in the good graces of strangers, but generally, that is impossible, and her needs come first, so everyone else can eff off. And speaking of whom, my darling daughter is regularly displeased with me. Depending on her mood, my attempts to change her, remove her from the bathtub, or pry her tiny fist off of my foolishly chosen dangly earring might be met with shrieks of protest. But it doesn't matter because I am her mother and it is my job.
Getting comfortable with not always being liked is an ongoing practice, and not easy. From the time we are very young, society teaches women that being liked should be a major priority. Likewise, social media encourages us to derive real meaning from likes, retweets, and public compliments. It's hard to break the habit of constantly seeking approval, but I invite you to join me in trying. Because once you stop listening to the static of your anxiety about the opinions of other people, it becomes much easier to hear what's actually going on inside of you.
Gabi Moskowitz is the editor-in-chief of the nationally-acclaimed budget cooking blog BrokeAss Gourmet, author of The BrokeAss Gourmet Cookbook, Pizza Dough: 100 Delicious, Unexpected Recipes, Hot Mess Kitchen, and Young & Hungry.
Gabi is the co-producer of Young & Hungry, a Freeform comedy, now in its fifth season, inspired by her life and writing. She also starred in a web series in conjunction with the show, called Young & Foodie.
When she is not blogging, writing books, or making television, Gabi contributes regularly to The Washington Post, The Guardian, and Lenny Letter. She lives in San Francisco with her husband and daughter.
Why Do I Have Morning Anxiety?
I’ve spent years looking to answer this question. Here are the two words that helped me the most in my journey.
The two words that helped me answer that question.
The words you speak become the house you live in.“ — Hafiz
My anxiety peaks in the morning when I wake up with nervous energy and the desire to clean the house. It’s worse some days than others. No amount of anxiety knowledge (or cortisol tests) has given me the peace I seek, nor allowed me to answer the question that haunts me: Why?
Why am I anxious in the morning? Why is it worse today? Why can't I figure it out?
A few weeks ago the morning agitation felt worse than usual. While manically scrubbing a counter, I said to my husband, “I just don’t know why I feel this way. Everything is going well. I am happy at work. I am happy at home. Is this hormonal? What is this?”
In his inimitable Buddha-like way, he just said, “You ask that question a lot, but in seeking an answer, you’re just causing more more anxiety. It’s chemical. It’s just how you are.”
Getting under the waves.
It’s chemical.
I felt a sense of calm flood my body when I repeated those two words aloud. It stopped me from spinning and gave me a clear path to acceptance.
If Hafiz is right, and words are the house I live in, I want my house to feel like I did the moment I said, “It’s chemical.” I know I’ll be coming back to those two words again and again.
What about you? Do you have a simple phrase that helps you when you’re stuck in the spin? Email me. Let’s share what works with each other.
Try Basic Visualization
I’ve been playing with this new visualization technique to try to strengthen my parasympathetic nervous system. See if it works for you!
We’re in the thick of it, friends. December 9. Thanksgiving is over, the holidays are in full swing, with nearly a month to go.
How does the bustle of the season affect you? If you’re like me, your sympathetic nervous system – aka “fight or flight"– is trying to take center stage, overwhelming your friendly lil "rest and digest” parasympathetic nervous system.
Not all nervous systems work this way, but mine definitely does.
This may sound odd, but one of the things I’m committed to this holiday season is trying to rebalance the relationship of my nervous system. I’d like it to look a little more like:
I’ve been playing with this new visualization technique to try to strengthen my parasympathetic nervous system. See if it works for you!
Imagine a lovely scene
Start with a photo, painting, movie still, or invent your own place.
In this basic visualization, focus on your five senses, allowing your parasympathetic to take center stage, slowing down the big dog.
What does your place look like? Describe your place in words. For example, “It’s lush and green. There are small, feathery, green mosses on the rocks. The pagoda is both red and orange at the same time.”
What does your place sound like? “You can hear the sound of the rushing waterfall. There is the rustling of rice paper, as if someone is writing on it.”
What does your place smell like? “It smells like it’s just rained, damp and fresh. Like overturned soil. And is that burning incense?”
What does your place taste like? Get creative with it. “I taste drops of water from the waterfall. I taste the mango mochi I just snacked on.”
What do you feel in your place? “The air is cool on my skin. I feel the light brush of the branches as I push past them. I feel the dirt and rocks crunching under my feet.”
How did it go?
Visualization is all about transporting your mind into a new space. There is no right or wrong way to visualize. If you’ve transported yourself mentally, you’ve succeeded.
If you end up giving this technique a try, I’d love to hear about it. You can even tag @bevoya on Instagram and I will share your visualization inspiration with others!
Vaincre L’anxiété Au Quotidien
The first post written in another language on Beautiful Voyager!
L' Atomium de Bruxelles, créé par l'architecte André Waterkeyn à l'occasion de l'Exposition universelle de Bruxelles de 1958.
Je ne sais pas vous, mais je me pose beaucoup de questions. Elles peuvent parfois être pratiques, et avoir un sens réel pour ce que je fais comme par exemple, en anglais les gens qui écrivent des articles comme celui-ci utilisent souvent le pronom « you ». Mais en français, il y a deux possibilités, le « tu », forme informelle qui permet d’être plus proche de son lecteur, ou le « vous », qui est inclusif et s’adresse à un groupe ou garde une certaine distance de respect. J’ai décidé de m’adresser à tout le monde sans viser personne, c’est moins intimidant et si jamais quelqu’un d’important devais me lire, je ne commets pas d’impaire sur le plural majestatis.
Comme vous le voyez, j’ai pu résoudre ce problème de manière logique en le rationalisant. J’ai mis de côté mon angoisse de la page vide, et pesé le pour et le contre pour un choix qui pendant quelques instants m’a paru très compliqué. Une fois la logique trouvée, il ne l’était plus tellement, non?
Cet exemple était très simple, mais si comme moi la moindre petite chose vous fait tourner les méninges à plein régime, « overthinking » comme on dit sur ce site, ce n’est pas toujours facile.
Chacun a ses propres raisons d’être anxieux/anxieuses. Pour ma part, cela varie entre ce que les gens vont penser de moi, à des choses plus personnelles liés à ma bipolarité, périodes de stress ou autres.
Bien avant mon diagnostique de bipolarité, j’étais déjà un angoissé, un stressé de la vie comme j’entends parfois. Comme je l’ai écris sur Medium (en anglais), j’avais l’impression d’être une imposture, et de ne pas mériter ce que j’avais comme points à l’école, ou ce qu’on m’attribuait comme qualités.
Auto-dévaluation permanente. J’ai essayé différentes méthodes de fuite pour échapper à cela, comme les addictions, les conquêtes amoureuses, etc. Évidemment tout cela n’a rien donné de bon, même si j’ai fait de chouettes rencontres parfois, mais cela n’avait rien à voir avec mes travers pour échapper… à moi-même.
On peut aussi être angoissé par les autres tout court, pas leur jugement sur nous, mais ce qu’ils sont, ce qu’ils font. Et là je crois en fait que se cache le même problème, la connaissance. Celle de soi, celle des autres. Céline Dion chante dans une de ses chansons « On met juste les costumes d'autres sur soi ».
Parfois il arrive dans la vie qu’on s’éloigne de sa propre nature, à cause de coups durs, ou de fierté mal placée. Trop fier pour admettre que je ne savais pas tout, et j’avais peur d’être ridiculisé si cela se savait.
Une étape importante vers le rétablissement fût le diagnostique de ma maladie, parce que certains stress et comportements étaient en lien avec elle. Cela a rationalisé les choses, et mis un nom sur la source de mes tracas. Sachant ce à quoi j’avais à faire, j’ai pu y faire face plus facilement, bien que cela restait… périlleux.
Une deuxième étape clé a été la résilience dont j’ai fait preuve face à cette annonce et l’acceptation d’un traitement, qu’il a fallu faire évoluer au fil du temps parce qu’il n’était pas toujours adapté, mais c’était surtout le principe d’avoir besoins d’une aide qu’il fallait que j’intègre, que ce soit médicamenteuse ou psychologique.
Puis j’ai ressenti le besoin d’extérioriser ce que je ressentais, mes peurs. Je les ai d’abord confiés à un journal intime. Il y a des applications très bien pour faire cela, si vous n’aimez pas écrite à la main (j’utilise Day One), et sinon un simple cahier, voir même décoré, fait très bien l’affaire.
Se confier à un journal fait beaucoup de bien, mais j’avais besoin de passer à l’étape d’après, avoir un retour et rendre mon expérience utile, à moi et peut-être à quelqu’un d’autre. Là des parties de mon récit ont pris de chemins différents en fonction de mon ressenti et du but que je voulais leur donner. J’en ai parlé à des proches, de la famille ou des amis, et pour le reste depuis peu je me confie sur Medium et un blog. Ne vous sentez pas obligé(e)s de faire pareil, c’est en fonction des besoin de chacun(e).
J’ai longtemps pensé que ne pas parler de ce qui me faisait peur permettrait que cela n’arrive jamais. Et après mûre réflexion, ce qui se passait c’est que cela ne quittait pas ma tête…
J’ai choisi de le faire anonymement, pour me protéger d’une certaine façon quand même, vu que je livre des parts de moi très personnelles, dont certaines que je n’avais avant même pas abordée avec ma famille. Et mes angoisses me disent que des recherches sur internet se font parfois avant un entretien d’embauche, je ne voudrais pas que cela se retourne contre moi, les employeurs ne sont pas très compréhensifs, ils veulent des CV parfaits, pas des accidentés de la vie.
J’ai longtemps pensé que ne pas parler de ce qui me faisait peur permettrait que cela n’arrive jamais. Et après mûre réflexion, ce qui se passait c’est que cela ne quittait pas ma tête, ces pensées restaient latentes dans mon inconscient. Parler m’a permis de me faire comprendre de mon entourage, ils voient un peu mieux pourquoi j’ai réagi d’une façon ou l’autre alors que jusque là, mon comportement leur avaient juste semblé illogique voir irresponsable.
Se libérer de ces charges, les affronter, de manière complètement privée dans un journal, ou autrement, n’est pas une étape facile, je ne vais pas mentir. Et personnellement j’ai même choisi d’écrire quotidiennement, ce qui est un effort supplémentaire, mais je ressens des effets bénéfiques, je suis plus calme et en accord avec moi-même, je me comprends mieux et j’espère secrètement que cela fera du bien à quelqu’un qui me lira.
Et même si je suis encore très très loin de ma perfection, j’arrive à mieux m’accepter comme je suis, avec ma santé, mes médicaments, mes hésitations, parce que je progresse pas à pas. L’important c’est de ne pas rester sur place, même un tout petit pas, juste un tout petit pas, et ce sera une belle victoire pour vous sur l’anxiété.
Severus is a 34-year-old tech-savvy geek, mostly (but not exclusively) interested in sciences, health, mental health, animal causes and environmental issues. He lives in Belgium with his boyfriend 🇧🇪.
Our Most Popular Stories of 2018
We used the data to share the top articles that you, our dear Beautiful Voyager readers, clicked the most.
Not to be left at the sidelines, the Beautiful Voyager is joining all of your other favorite websites and sharing a year-end roundup. In our case, we used the data pulled by our newsletter team at Revue to share the top articles that you, my dear Beautiful Voyager readers, clicked through from the bevoya newsletter.
As you’ll doubtlessly note, not all of these articles are from bevoya.com—and not all are articles! But it is interesting to see what stories captivated your minds this year, and where your interest lies. Scroll on to learn more about what made you curious in 2018.
10 How ‘Anxiety Pain’ Manifests
This article, originally published in TheMighty, resonated with many of you, as it did me.
This was our first official paid guide story, and it was a hit!
This is not a story, but it is a link that many of you clicked on. In fact, in 2018 we had nearly 100 new lighthouses added to the lighthouse map. If you haven’t, now is the time.
2015, i don’t miss you too much. I did learn from you, though.
A surprising number of you clicked through to Trulia when I linked it in a newsletter.
This was the year that Rebecca Jennings at Vox included Beautiful Voyager in this thought-provoking piece about anxiety gadgets. I was very grateful we were included!
I sent this story out as a newsletter. I will always remember the power of the question my friend Molly asked me.
This really was great context around the heartbreaking deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. In assessing whether people might kill themselves, Beeson looks at “key variables that seem to be more related to death.”
This technique really worked for me, and I think it intrigued many of you, too, considering it was the #2 most read article of the year.
It makes me so happy that this was the #1 most read article of the year. I paid a writer to research this story, and really committed to it, so its success feels like a win for writers too!
Is there anything that this list is missing? Comment below and share what you’ve loved in 2018!
Dust Yourself Off, You Will Shine Again
Above all else, we must want to find peace. We must want to change our minds. We must be willing to fight and even more willing to fail.
Life will always let us down. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true. Even for the least spontaneous soul who schedules out every last minute of every day, something somewhere will eventually go astray. It’s a simple fact.
There’s not necessarily an explanation; there’s no one to blame. There are just too many variables involved in the outcome of our day. Therefore, the simple truth is: at any given time, anything, anywhere is possible.
Be real. But don’t be pessimistic. Possible does not mean probable.
We cannot live our lives with the expectation that disaster and heartache are lurking about every corner. Obviously, this would lead to massive anxiety. What good would it do to relax at home watching a movie, all the while preoccupied that a fire-engulfed jetliner could come crashing through the house, or that the chicken wings we’re snacking on are crawling with E.coli?
We have to approach life with at least some degree of certainty that the universe will yield to our basic expectations.
But what are our expectations?
If you always get A’s in school without studying, then you expect to get A’s. If you are lactose intolerant and invariably get the trots every time you touch ice cream, you will expect to run to the bathroom whenever you eat ice cream.
And if you have struggled with a lifetime of emotional pain, you will always expect to hurt.
A “lifetime.”
Unfortunately that’s no exaggeration.
For as far back as my memories extend, I recognize sadness above all else. Hope and happiness were an exception, not the rule. I was ruled by fear: fear of pain, fear of loss, fear of rejection and hate. And it was this fear and pain that I came to expect, because it was the most consistent factor I knew. If one fear dissolved it was insignificant because it would merely be overshadowed or replaced by another, equal or worse pain.
But this was life. And I accepted it for what it was.
So what happened?
Well, there was the breakup of the century which turned my life upside down… and then came the therapy.
Thirteen years of therapy. That’s right. Thirteen. My lucky number.
And if the breakup turned my life upside down, the therapy was about to drop it on its ass.
What I thought was “finding someone to chat with,” turned into 13 years of therapists and psychiatrists. A series of suicide attempts with several close-calls. Hospitals. Blood, sweat, tears… diagnoses… medication — lots of medication. And still wishing I had died, as I almost had the day I was born.
But then one day, somewhere around year 11, I realized something. Something was changing. I was…dare I say it? Happy!
Was it possible? Could it actually be?
At first I brushed it off as coincidence. Law of averages. I mean, things can’t always be dark and distressing. But, as life experience had taught me, I knew it was merely an anomaly… a fluke. A taunt. A spell of happiness was nothing more than God’s cruel way of magnifying the pain I would feel when it was inevitably stripped from me.
But then the joy I felt transformed into something even more foreign to me: Hope. Even gratitude!
I began to look forward to the future. I began to be grateful for the past.
Grateful! How absurd.
Gradually, my life changed. The return to happiness (or the introduction to it, in this case) is as insidious as the mental anguish it replaces. And little by little, life took on a different light.
I’d actually look forward to waking up in the morning. I’d walk to the train, listening to my music, singing…maybe even dropping a dance step or two when I came across the odd, unoccupied subway car. My daily routine, my thoughts, plans, feelings, beliefs…everything changed to accommodate a new perspective of life that was, for the very first time, not focused on death.
Eventually my medication was downgraded to a single low-dose of anti-depressants intended more to keep in check the little rascals that linger in my mind and like to stick their nose in my progress every so often. Of course any medication means I must still see the psychiatrist, but I’ve managed to keep this to a minimum, dropping in for 10 minutes a few times a year to get my required script.
But no more talking.
Thirteen years of therapy, I’m all talked out. There’s not much left to talk about. It’s about acting now. And so my therapy schedule which started at thrice weekly visits back in 2003 has been reduced to an occasional reality check every few months, merely aimed at keeping my ass on track.
But most importantly, it’s been 10 years since I had a visit to the hospital. Ten years since I sincerely had the wish to die.
Impressive? I like to think so. The pride is helpful in my healing. It reminds me of how strong I am. Sometimes it’s okay to be cocky.
But don’t be complacent.
This was where I went wrong.
My cockiness turned to complacency, and the undiscriminating, callous world of infinite possibility was just waiting for me to let my guard down.
And that was exactly what I did. I was ignoring things I knew would hurt me in the end… dipping my feet in water I knew would eventually drown me. Worst of all, I was getting far too laid back with the drinking.
I didn’t have my first drink until I was 19 years old, but coming from a long line of accomplished alcoholics, it took me years to learn how to drink without needing someone to carry me home at the end of the night. Once I found happiness this skill became effortless. But I forgot how easy it would be to travel back down that road.
I was already in a bad state of mind. I had just returned from two consecutive (and amazing, by the way) trips to Australia and Disney World, in which I had a month off from work. I now had to report to a job that I loathe — a job I swore 18 years ago was only temporary. Entirely devoid of vacation time, sick time, personal time…me time… things were looking grim.
Then I woke up one day and the date seemed familiar. It didn’t take long to realize that twenty years had passed since the start of my last serious relationship. The same relationship that turned my life on its ass four years later.
My gynecologist unwittingly then tipped the scale when he asked if I’d be interested in freezing my eggs, as it seems I “won’t be having children any time soon.”
Maybe I should also add that I just turned 40.
So there I was…home alone, a single, 40 year old, lousy with eggs…sipping on some Bacardi and coke.
Well, as the old saying goes… one thing led to another and before I knew what had happened I had turned back the clock of my life a solid 10 years.
Not one month prior I was shining bright… flying higher than ever before. I even jumped out of a plane in Australia! The single best experience I had ever known. Life couldn’t be much better than it was.
And now it had thrown me one of the biggest curve balls imaginable.
Granted, the consequences were not permanent. Not quite as dire as a flaming jetliner crashing through my roof. But for me it was a defeat that was unimaginable after coming so far. My pride was shaken. Obliterated, really. I was humiliated.
Details aren’t necessary. Nor are they really known except from what I was informed of after the fact. All I can say is a quarter of a bottle of rum, chased by a 6-pack of Corona and a dose of Benadryl in excess of its recommended usage did not result in much more than a night at the local Emergency Room, the intense desire to crawl under a large rock, and an even worse spell of depression than I thought I was already feeling.
For three full days I stayed in bed. I cried.
I didn’t eat much or go outside or really do anything — nothing productive, anyway. And for the first time in a long time, I sincerely did not want to live anymore.
I thank God for one amazing friend who made me remember that I am a good person, in spite of my faults. He came to check on me and bring me food… just give me a hug and tell me I will be fine again.
It’s the smallest things in the world that can make all the difference.
Unfortunately, the depression didn’t leave as quickly as it returned. I was fixated. Fixated on my pain. Fixated on the humiliation.
I was fixated on the things that hurt: I hate my job; I have no family; I’m nowhere close to getting married and will likely never have children… the list goes on and on.
I disregarded the positive: my job pays really well and my flexible schedule allows me much freedom in life to do the things I really love; I have a surrogate family that I adore and that cares for me dearly, even if I am not their “blood”; I love being single, and I already decided that I am perfectly okay with never having children… and the list goes on and on!
So what do you do when your brain just won’t get on point?
Well, in the words of Alanis Morissette: The only way out is through!
Don’t forget that it’s important to grieve. Embrace the pain.
Embrace it… but don’t wallow in it.
Distraction is constructive, but not when it masks denial. If you try to close out the pain and never deal with it, it will fester in your heart and consume you. You won’t even realize it. So cry. Scream if you have to. I’ve broken my share of dishes. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Open your arms to it.
More importantly, open your mind.
Understand the pain. Blind rage and anguish do us not good.
It’s a hell of a lot harder to ignore our feelings and emotions when we know where they’re coming from. No, ignorance is not always bliss. It can be. Do you really wanna know who sat on the toilet before you every time? I sure don’t. Even if I do cover it with a month’s worth of toilet paper.
Know the facts. Are you feeling sad or angry or embarrassed or jealous? Or, truth be told, are you simply thinking irrationally?
Journals are a godsend. If you’re like me and in constant need of fitting everything in your life into neat little boxes, go nuts with charts and checklists. Otherwise, ramble out strings of seemingly incoherent thoughts to your little heart’s content! But get it out. Think of pain as a poison you must dispel as soon as possible. Because that’s what it is.
Just the same, TALK!
Find a friend or a therapist…go to Church if it suits you. Hell, even the local Starbucks barista will do. Just get talking. Or get writing. No holds barred. Except one:
Be honest — with yourself if with no one else.
For starters, don’t disregard the positive. Yes, the negatives may be true but don’t get caught in biased evaluations. Maybe I’m 40 and unmarried and most likely not going to have children… but let’s be real: if I was presented with the opportunity tomorrow I’d likely run so fast I’d fly clear off the face of the earth.
So don’t make excuses or tell yourself lies. Don’t change reality.
Do change your environment. Environment is KEY!
Ditch the candles and depressing music. This’s not grieving, it’s wallowing. We don’t wallow!
My apartment is naturally devoid of sunlight. One of those little perks of living in New York. My windows provide a view of nothing but a brick wall and the adjacent windows of my neighbors so on top of having no direct sun to enjoy, I also keep the curtains drawn at all times. This drawback was my one reluctance in taking my apartment. Thank the heavens I decided against my concerns because I love my new home! So when I moved in one year ago I spent a good four weeks tracking down the perfect lamps and light bulbs in order to maximize the natural light in my home.
Nevertheless, light bulbs don’t work if you don’t turn them on! Consequently, I can find myself sitting in the dark for days if I am not careful.
So turn on the lights. Better yet, get the hell out of the house! Take a walk in the sun. All that crap about the healing power of sunlight… It’s true! I never really believed it until I experienced it myself.
Which reminds me… Know what works. More importantly, know what doesn’t.
For you. Not for your friends.
Know yourself. Know your stressors and triggers; know what soothes you; know what makes you smile. It’s different for every one of us.
My absolute favorite television show is Little House on the Prairie. For many the unrelenting tragedy and misfortune could be a downer. The infant deaths, fire and typhus… Mary blinded by Scarlet fever… Pa shot while hunting… rabies, rape, and meth addiction…
But I don’t see any of that. I see a hardworking, loving family that values one another above everything else, and will work hard together to overcome any obstacle thrown in their way. So when I am feeling alone and unloved, my vicarious little journey with the Ingall’s is greatly comforting to me.
On the other hand, I am absolutely incapable of watching certain sitcoms that my friends may think are hysterical, but have a profound negative effect on my mood.
We are all different.
But we are also all the same.
It is a basic condition of human nature that we seek what is most familiar. Accordingly, one of the worst aspects of depression is its self-perpetuating nature. Chances are, people who are depressed are familiar with sadness above all else. We seek it. We often crave it. So often we have the tools to change, but we are unable to implement them. For lack of a better explanation, we want to be sad.
Most people, I believe, won’t admit it. I would not. Many may feel it would discredit their pain. It does not.
But if you cannot be honest with yourself, nothing I said matters. Above all else, we must want to find peace. We must want to change our minds. We must be willing to fight and even more willing to fail. Because the world is full of flaming jetliners just waiting to crash through your roof.
The beast lingers.
Beware.
But don’t be scared,
Don’t let it hold you back.
There’s hope inside you.
There is light.
Just give it time.
This story originally appeared on the Medium publication Invisible Illness.
How to Avoid Emotional Eating on Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving can be a stressful time, especially if you have a fraught relationship with food. Following are four Intuitive Eating tips to help you navigate the holiday (and every day) with greater peace and ease.
4 Intuitive Eating Tips for a Peaceful Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving can be a stressful time, especially if you have a fraught relationship with food. Following are four Intuitive Eating tips to help you navigate the holiday (and every day) with greater peace and ease.
1. Fire Your Internal Food Police
Your internal food police are the loud voices in your head that tell you that you’re “good” or “bad” based on what or how you ate.
They try to enforce the unreasonable rules diet culture has created and make you feel guilty and ashamed about your food choices. And, they compel you to take compensatory measures to make up for your “food sins,” like exercising excessively or detoxing post-holiday—unhelpful behaviors that usually backfire.
In order to have a peaceful relationship with food, you must fire your food police by challenging your beliefs and rules and removing any morality and judgment surrounding food.
Keep in mind that…
All foods are emotionally equivalent regardless of their nutritional value. A baked sweet potato is equal to sweet potato pie; eating one or the other doesn’t make you good or bad.
Making peace with food means giving yourself unconditional permission to eat whatever looks good, tastes good and feels good in your body, without internal judgment or external influence.
All foods fit in a balanced diet. This includes everything from turkey, stuffing and green-bean casserole to Brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes and mac-and-cheese.
Normal eating includes sometimes eating simply for pleasure and sometimes eating until you're stuffed. Neither one is a crime you have to pay a penance for.
Unless you stole your food or harmed someone to get it, there’s no place for guilt in your eating world.
2. Set Boundaries with External Food Police
Your external food police are people who say things like “Do you really need more mashed potatoes?” or “You’re gonna regret that second slice of pecan pie!”
Regardless of the food cop’s intentions, you have the right to eat whatever you want without having someone negatively comment on, criticize, judge or question your choices.
Whether it’s a family member, partner or friend patrolling your eating, it’s important to set boundaries regarding what comments are inappropriate and unwelcomed. Here are a few comebacks:
I trust myself to give my body what it needs.
You mind your own plate and I’ll mind mine.
I know you mean well, but your comments aren’t helpful.
3. Say No to Food Pushers
Whether they are trying to express their love, be a gracious host or offload their extra food, food pushers can be tricky to say no to, especially when they’re persistent. However, you’re under no obligation to take food you don’t want, either because you’re full or simply don’t desire it.
If a simple “No, thank you” doesn’t work, try responding with:
It looks so yummy but I’m full; I’d love to take some home or get your recipe.
I’d really love to eat more, but couldn’t possibly swallow another bite without feeling uncomfortably full.
I know I usually say yes, however, I’m trying to honor the messages my body is sending me, and right now, it's telling me it's full! I’m sure you can respect this.
4. Squash the Diet and Weight Talk
“I’m being so bad! Today is definitely my cheat day!"
“This is a calorie bomb! We'll need to burn this off tomorrow!”
"I can't believe how many carbs I'm eating. I'm going to pay for this!"
During the Thanksgiving feast, it’s not uncommon to hear remarks like these. Nor is it uncommon for such remarks to trigger feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame.
Set an intention before the festivities to not participate in diet and weight talk. Instead, switch the topic to travel, sports, or the reason for the season—gratitude.
For more tips, check out this post from ED Care.
How have you managed to avoid emotional eating on the holidays? Share in the comments below.
What Are the Most Common Symptoms of Anxiety?
Learning about how anxiety reveals itself through a variety of symptoms fascinated me. Here are some of the most common symptoms, as shared through the Beautiful Voyager community.
I’ve begun to ask questions about anxiety on the Instagram Beautiful Voyager channel, and the results are eye-opening. Here is a recent question I asked my fellow beautiful voyagers:
I asked about “anxiety signals",” but that was just my way of asking people what their symptoms are. I think of my physical symptoms as a signal of what is happening internally.
Since the moment I found out that I have generalized anxiety disorder, I’ve been tuned in the role of physical pain and anxiety. I knew that I was a lifelong migraine sufferer (my mother remembers me holding my hand up to my head as a small child) who had terrible motion sickness and nausea. But learning about how anxiety exhibits different symptoms for different people fascinated me. Here are some of the most common symptoms of anxiety, as discovered through the Beautiful Voyager community.
Common Symptoms of Anxiety
Stomach and/or Digestive Pain
Stomach issues are part and parcel with anxiety. From irritable bowel syndrome to nausea to a “gurgling” stomach, our stomaches are often signals of something happening at a deeper level.
“Skating over issues” wasn’t a symptom I had heard before. I was fascinated because it made sense!
2. Clenched Jaw
Have you ever massaged that spot right next to your ear? The one where your jawbone meets your skull? You might be surprised to feel how much tension you hold in that one space. Jaw-clenching is a very common sign of anxiety.
3. Obsessive Chatter
Have you ever found yourself talking and talking, skittering from topic to topic, your mind roaming ahead of you? This could be a sign of anxiety. Though it’s not a physical symptom, tuning into the kind of behavior that points to anxiety can be a powerful part of connecting the dots for your own journey.
Next time, try to tune into what you’re really talking about. You might be surprised by what you find.
4. Stiff Neck
Even as a little kid, I would get the kinds of stiff necks that made me lift one shoulder up close to my ear. Sadly, it was no Peanuts-style dance move, but tense, ropey muscles that were trying to tell me something. I didn’t listen until I learned that stiff necks are a sign of anxiety.
5. Compulsive Eating
Compulsive eating is when you mindlessly stuff food into your mouth without connecting to your body or your feeling of fullness. It can also be a common sign of anxiety.
6. Moodiness
Have you ever found yourself angry for seemingly no reason? Or edgy in greater proportion than the situation called for? Since mood swings can be a sign of anxiety, spotting the symptoms can help you tap into what’s really bothering you when you’re in the middle of a mood swing.
Common symptoms of anxiety range from headaches, neck stiffness, and back pain to nausea, poor digestion (and trouble pooping). For some people, anxiety exhibits itself as mood swings, anger, or edginess. As you can tell from the list above, anxiety symptoms greatly vary from person to person. The first step toward understanding your own anxiety signals is to spot how varied they really are.