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What is Mindbody Science?
Avoiding wormholes and giving the kid sister a break
Artist's illustration of a supermassive black hole in the middle of the ultradense galaxy M60-UCD1. Credit: NASA and ESA.
My Ultimate Stress Relief Cheat Sheets, published last July, kicked off with a timeline of answers to the question:
Why didn’t I know that anxiety was behind my pain?
2015: I don’t care why I didn’t know. I want to know why the therapists I saw didn’t know.
2017: Seems like, in the field of mental health, you need to know what’s wrong with you for people to be able to help you. At least I have Lexapro now.
2019: I guess I hid it so well that I unintentionally hid it from myself? I still have physical symptoms. I continue to be grateful for Lexapro, which helps me turn down the thermostat on my internal environment, especially on anxious mornings.
2021: I am still really sick—nausea, muscle aches, migraines, lightheadedness. Is anxiety connected to the physical pain I am in? I still don’t get it. COVID hasn’t helped.
2023: After a year spent in bed, something finally helped: I had a hysterectomy. I’m grateful to see a decrease in my physical symptoms, but I am still in pain. I don’t know what to do next. I suspect my nervous system plays a role here.
2024: I finally get it —I have spent a lifetime in a state of nervous system dysregulation. I believe I can improve my physical and mental health by regulating my nervous system. My pain is diminishing. It’s a daily practice, but I am healing.
In this article, I’ll be digging into the mechanism that, in the last two years, has helped me change my relationship with both pain and anxiety to the point where I’m no longer even asking that question about anxiety (because I no longer care). Here’s what my new timeline of thinking sounds like:
How do my thoughts, beliefs, and emotions affect my life?
2015: (scrunching forehead) Well, I just learned that an anxiety disorder appears to be at the root of my issue, so I guess in my case they are negatively affecting my life.
2017: I’ve been writing about the perils of overthinking for two years and have learned that without conscious effort to change, my thoughts, beliefs, and emotions will negatively impact my life.
2019: Some of us need medication, meditation, and communication to successfully navigate our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions.
2021: (forefinger raised) I am reading a lot of books and learning a lot about emotions. Want me to tell you some stuff? Let’s go.
Early 2023: I finally believe I can heal my mind and body. I have no idea how I will do it.
Late 2023: Wait, what’s the role of the nervous system here?
Early 2024: (highligher in hand) Out of sheer desperation I’ve discovered Sarah Warren’s Pain Relief Secret and begun her online clinical somatics program. My mind is being blown by what I’m experiencing.
Mid 2024: (Headphones on) I’m completely bought in that the nervous system is the answer to the question listed above. I’m listening to Sarno acolyte Nicole Sach’s podcast, learning about pain reprocessing (described here as the third leg of my tripod of healing).
Late 2024: Every day I am seeing how thoughts, beliefs, and emotions show up in my body, which, in turn, affects every part of my life. I’m learning to regulate my nervous system in order to be able to show up for people I love (and myself).
Early 2025: I’m so lucky to live in a time where I can live the answer thanks to the work of early mindbody science pioneers.1
“All of this is fine and good, Meredith,” you might be saying to yourself, “But I still don’t understand exactly what mindbody science is. It barely comes up when I google it. Why is that?”2
What is Mindbody Science?
Great question, skeptical reader, and one that quickly leads us down a deep philosophical wormhole.3 When it comes to this question, it’s easy to get real big, real fast. That’s my theory for why it barely comes up when you google it. No one — including me!—wants to wade into open-ended questions on the nature of consciousness online. We all know that once you’ve opened that can of worms, wormholes will follow.
So I’ll just share that in 1641, in a turning point for Western philosophy, Rene Descartes introduced the concept of Mind-Body Dualism. This foundational understanding of the mind and physical body as separate entities shaped much of the thinking that followed it4 including, sadly, modern medical practice.5
From Biomedical to Biopsychosocial
Biomedical science is that confident guy who strides forward to shake your hand, clear about who he is and what he’s doing.
Nice to meet you, I’m biomedical science.
Nice to meet you, I’m biomedical science.
Biomedical science is the study of anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, and statistics to understand how the body's organs, cells, and systems function. This is what most people think of when we talk about medicine and the physical body, and for good reason. Biomedical science is what led humans to the discovery of penicillin, anesthesia, medical imaging, germ theory, and the discovery of the DNA structure. Biomedical science, with his straight teeth and bright smile, has the confidence of a winner.
Mindbody science, on the other hand, is a bit more complex.
Oh hey, nice to meet you. Sorry, I’m distracted. Got a lot going on over here. I’m mindbody science.
Oh hey, nice to meet you. Sorry, I’m distracted. Got a lot going on over here. I’m mindbody science.
Biopsychosocial medicine, the broader model that mindbody science falls under, focuses on the interplay of biological, psychological, and social factors in the study of health and illness. It encompasses various disciplines inc neuroscience and psychoneuroimmunology, or the study of the interaction between psychological factors and the nervous and immune systems. For example, the biopsychosocial model might examine how a psychological factor like stress can influence a biological factor like cardiovascular disease, or how a social factor like support can affect recovery from illness.
An often-overlooked subset of biopsychosocial medicine, mindbody science focuses on improving wellbeing by studying how thoughts and emotions influence physical health. Mindbody scientific research, for example, might investigate how mindfulness practices affect immune function or how stress reduction techniques can impact cardiovascular health.
The obstacles to widespread adoption of mindbody science are many. This July 2005 paper, Barriers to the Integration of Mind-Body Medicine, explored those obstacles in medical training. Physicians, residents, and medical students listed the following reasons that mindbody science isn’t widely embraced:
the common perception that psychosocial factors are beyond a doctor’s capacity to control
the common perception that patients do not want to address their psychosocial/lifestyle issues
the cultural beliefs (perhaps rooted in Cartesian dualism?) that addressing psychosocial issues is not within the purview of physicians
the lack of knowledge about existing research due to insufficient monetary incentives
a larger cultural ethos that favors the “quick-fix” over the more difficult task of examining the role of psychosocial factors
In other words, mindbody science is a kid sister who’s shouting to be heard, wanting to be appreciated for her unique skills while being overshadowed by her big brother, biomedical science.
What’s the good news?
The good news is that the tides are turning. I’m not the only person getting fascinated by the healing potential for mindbody science at scale. In the same way that I got a lower back tattoo two years before everyone else did,6 I am convinced that the next few years will see an explosion of interest in mindbody science.7 I’ll be the first one in line to cheer new discoveries while working to share them with you all here in my newsletter. So if you’ve haven’t subscribed yet…
What comes to mind when you hear the words “mindbody science”? Share in the comments below!
Footnotes
A particular thank you to those pioneers in the study of somatics, polyvagal theory, EMDR therapy, and pain reprocessing.
I have so much love for my skeptical readers because I. am. you.
I opened this post with an artist’s rendering of a black hole. Black holes are real. They are made of strong gravity that nothing, not even light, can escape. A wormhole, meanwhile, is a hypothetical tunnel that connects two different points in space. It is not real.
Note: After reading this piece, a smart fellow Voyager wrote me to say that while it's easy to center Descartes as the launching pad of mind/body dualism, it's important to acknowledge the role of technological changes that enabled him to do so. He says, “The moveable type printing press, for example, enabled the extension of human will far beyond the reach of the human hand, as well as the inclination towards a need for refined measurement, which did much more to set the stage for Descartes than Descartes lighting a fuse. I am not confident that a simple philosophical shift restores something in a significant way when so much of the modern world is built on these foundations.” Thank you, friend, for making sure this piece acknowledges the complexity of our shared human history.
In this paper, Mind-body Dualism: A critique from a Health Perspective, clinical psychologist Dr Neeta Mehta argues that Cartesian dualism has led to a crisis in modern medical practice due to biological reductionism.
Let’s just throw into a footnote that once it hit mainstream it was called a tramp stamp, shall we? Doesn’t really need to go into the main body of the text, does it?
Another reason to trust me: I was one of the first people to start writing about mental health in 2015, just a few years before it started to get trendy. Mark my words, I’m always just one tiny step ahead.
Somatic Meditation
What do these words even mean?
The deeper I get into mindbody science, the more I am blown away by what it has to teach me. In this newsletter I’ll dig into an approach to meditation I never really understood until now. I’ll share my perspective on what makes it powerful and explore how it differs from my traditional longstanding meditation practice. 1
First, the groundwork. A basic search of word “somatic,” or, “relating to the soma,” will lead you to the Oxford English Dictionary definition where you will learn that “soma” is a fermented ritualistic intoxicant (aka a Vedic version of Kiddush or Communion).
As truly fun as that drink sounds (and it does sound fun), I prefer Thomas Hanna’s2 definition of soma as described in his groundbreaking book: “the body experienced from within, emphasizing the mind-body connection and the body as a living, self-aware process.”
In other words, somatics is the study of how humans experience their bodies from within. This is a more nuanced take than I understood a few years ago, when I thought, like most people do, that our bodies are external objects moving through space, and that somatic simply meant “of the body.”
It’s an important distinction, and it relates to why somatic meditation has been misunderstood and underexplored. If your mindset is “a meditation for a body moving in space,” then somatic meditation is a pretty simple thing. In fact, as part of my early work on How We Feel in 2021, I produced this video on walking meditation:
If you had asked me then, that video ^^ is what I would have pointed to as an example of somatic meditation. And it is! But I believe it is missing some of the most important features of “the body experienced from within” kind of somatic mediation that Hanna describes. To understand what I mean, take a look at this popular Youtube video on somatic mediation hosted by Sukie Baxter:
Note that in the past, I may have written off Sukie’s video before watching it due to a misunderstanding of what trauma actually is,3 but I encourage you to avoid that mistake. That said, most of you will not want to spend the 13 minutes it takes to watch the video, and as a consummate fast newsletter skimmer, I support that. Here’s a breakdown for all of you fast skimming readers:
In both traditional and somatic mediation, you are…
Building your awareness of the present moment
Creating space between you and your thoughts
Grounding your body in the present moment (e.g. “Notice the ground underneath your feet, the cushion underneath you”)
In somatic meditation, however, you are also…
Keeping your eyes and ears open in order to engage with your environment
Using your surroundings for intentional nervous system regulation4
Building a psychological bridge between the outside world and your inner world5
Grounding your body through intentional, slow movement (e.g. “Wiggle your toes and feel the carpet underneath them”) which gives your brain more sensory information that allows it to recalibrate at an unconscious level
Doing a very lightweight version of the kind of movement found in EMDR therapy6 by allowing your eyes to move bilaterally
Bringing attention to the felt experience of the body without lingering on pain7
Expanding your sensory inputs through bilateral listening (7:20 in Sukie’s video)
Orienting your nervous system to the present moment which allows it to discharge the stored stress you aren’t even consciously aware of
It’s taken me about a year to really understand the power of somatic meditation, so if this all feels a bit confusing, just know you are not alone. The information I have shared in this newsletter is very hard won — there isn’t much information I could find online that talks about this topic in this way. That’s even more a reason I wanted to share this with you all today. I’m sure this topic will come up more in future newsletter, but for now I’m glad to have shared the basics, and hope it will inspire you to give this new approach a try.
If you do end up trying somatic meditation, I’d love to hear how it worked for you. Share in the comments below!
Footnotes from original Substack piece
Here’s a very short newsletter I wrote in 2017 inspired by my daily Headspace practice. From 2015-2018 I meditated for at least 20 minutes most days, graduating from guided mediation on Headspace to a simple sitting practice with my own visualizations — a gong to signal every ten minutes that passes — using Insight Timer.
Thomas Louis Hanna (November 21, 1928 – July 29, 1990) was a philosophy professor and movement theorist who coined the term somatics in 1976. You can learn more about him in this interview I did with Sarah Warren, the founder of the Clinical Somatics practice I love.
This newsletter one year ago: “I never thought of myself as someone who was in the “trauma” category. Trauma is a very serious word. I never thought my small daily struggles rose to the level of “somatic trauma response. I now know that many different things can lead to lower case “T” trauma response,” or, as Dr. Gabor Maté states, “Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”
Allowing your eyes to land on something that catches your attention, then spending time taking in details helps move your nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic, fight or flight to rest and digest.In her video, Sukie asks, “Notice the movement of your breath, the rhythm of your heartbeat. Are you able to attend to that feeling inside your body while maintaining that connection to your external environment?” This is intentional conscious bridge-building between what is happening inside vs outside.
In her video, Sukie asks, “Notice the movement of your breath, the rhythm of your heartbeat. Are you able to attend to that feeling inside your body while maintaining that connection to your external environment?” This is intentional conscious bridge-building between what is happening inside vs outside.
I’m saying this even though I know (as you’ll see in the EMDR piece I link to) that there is no consensus around what makes EMDR work and some people will say, for example, “it is not the bilateral stimulation that works in EMDR, but dual attention accompanied by physical stimulation.”
This helps your primitive brain (which loves to focus on negative feelings) to understand that there are always a wide variety of sensations happening inside our bodies at all times, allowing the space for that variety.
Knowing My Human Design Type Helped My Mental Health
When I first heard about Human Design, I was skeptical. It sounded like another trendy personality test. As I delved deeper, I realized it was something much more profound. Learning about my Human Design type helped me understand myself better and transformed the way I approached my mental balance. I came to understand that are many ways Human Design can affect your mental health.
What is Human Design?
Human Design is a self-discovery system that blends elements of astrology, the I Ching, the Kabbalah and the chakra system to create a unique blueprint of how individuals are energetically wired. The system was created by Ra Uru Hu (born Alan Robert Krakower) in 1987 and provides a detailed chart, known as a BodyGraph, that reveals a person’s natural strengths, weaknesses and tendencies.
Human design categorizes individuals into one of five energy types:
Manifestor: Innovators who initiate action and thrive on independence.
Generator: Builders with sustainable energy who excel when responding to life’s opportunities.
Manifesting Generator: Fast-moving multi-taskers combining Manifestor innovation with Generator energy.
Projector: Guides who see the big picture and succeed by waiting for recognition and invitations.
Reflector: Sensitive mirrors of their environment, who need time to process and reflect before making decisions.
These types are believed to influence how we interact with the world, make decisions and manage our energy, assisting us with living in alignment with our true nature. You can calculate your type using your birth date, time and place.
The core idea behind Human Design is that by understanding your type, you can better navigate challenges and make choices that support your well-being. Each energy type has its own strategy for living in flow, such as waiting to respond or trusting intuition, which can ease stress or overwhelm.
By learning about your Human Design type, you can gain clarity on your strengths and weaknesses, and this awareness can positively impact your mental health by encouraging self-acceptance and reducing the pressure to conform to societal expectations — some of which can be extremely harmful. For example, more than half of people diagnosed with substance use disorder also experience mental health problems, so taking care of yourself mentally can impact more than just your emotions.
How Human Design improved my mental health
Human Design provides a personalized framework for understanding your energy, which affects your mental health. Human Design revealed that I’m a projector, a type known for being a guide rather than a doer. As someone who has always pushed myself to keep up with others, discovering that I wasn’t meant to work like a generator or manifestor was a huge relief. I often felt drained, stressed and unproductive, constantly berating myself for not being able to maintain the same pace as my peers. Understanding that projectors thrive when they work less and focus on guiding others shifted my entire perspective.
This insight changed the way I approached my writing and my future. I stopped chasing arbitrary goals that didn’t align with who I am and started setting intentions that matched my natural flow. Writing became less about checking boxes or keeping up with others and more about creating work that truly resonated with me and — hopefully — with readers.
Discovering my type also helped me reframe how I envision success. Before, I had this overwhelming pressure to do more, be better and constantly stay busy. However, this mindset left me drained and unmotivated. Human Design showed me that success as a Projector isn’t about doing everything — it’s about doing the right things and waiting for the right invitations. Once I started honoring this, I found more clarity in what I wanted to write about and the kind of impact I hoped to have. Instead of spreading myself too thin, I focused on topics that aligned with my experiences and values, which felt energizing rather than exhausting.
The author found that Human Design Type helped her relationship.
Suddenly, I didn’t feel lazy for needing rest. Instead, I learned that my energy was meant to be managed carefully, with plenty of downtime to recharge. This realization eased the guilt I felt about my productivity and allowed me to embrace my natural rhythms, significantly improving my mental health.
I began to trust the process, knowing that the right opportunities would come when I was aligned with my purpose. This shift improved my relationship with writing and gave me confidence about my future and what I have to offer.
Reducing stress through alignment
Another key lesson Human Design taught me was how important it is to live in alignment with my energy type’s strategy. As a projector, my strategy is to wait for recognition and invitations rather than forcing things to happen. Before, I often felt stressed and frustrated when I tried to make things work without success. Learning to be patient and trust the right opportunities would come to me was incredibly freeing.
Instead of pushing myself into situations where I didn’t belong, I began waiting for the right invitations. This shift reduced a lot of anxiety and burnout I’d previously experienced. I no longer felt like I had to constantly prove my worth or chase validation. By trusting my design, I found that life flowed more smoothly, and my mental health greatly benefited from this newfound sense of peace.
Embracing self-acceptance
Perhaps the most profound shift in my mental health came from learning to accept myself as I am. Human Design showed me there’s no need to force myself into a mold that doesn’t fit. Instead of constantly comparing myself to others or striving to meet society’s expectations, I began to appreciate my unique strengths and limitations. This self-acceptance became the foundation for a healthier mindset, leading to better self-esteem and allowing me to be kinder to myself.
In understanding that I’m wired differently from others, I no longer felt inadequate for needing more rest or time to process things. I began celebrating what makes me different instead of feeling ashamed of it. This sense of validation greatly reduced my self-criticism, leading to more positive mental health outcomes, such as less anxiety and deeper inner peace.
Permission to be myself
Learning about my Human Design type was like getting permission to be myself. The self-awareness it gave me helped reduce the mental strain of trying to live a life that wasn’t aligned with who I truly am. By embracing my type, I improved my mental health, learned to set better boundaries and felt more at ease in my day-to-day life.
Beth Rush is the mindfulness editor at Body+Mind. She has 5+ years of experience writing about how to heal trauma through understanding Human Design type. She also writes about coping with c-PTSD, PCOS, addiction, and anxiety disorders through mindfulness-based cognitive therapy. She’s a health and therapy researcher with medically-reviewed research on sites like EatingWell. Beth is also a features writer at sites like The Mighty, Health and Green Matters.
When the Trigger Is Your Mother
“We broke up,” I spout.
A tense silence. My eyes cling to the lettuce cups. Seconds take an eternity to pass. Anxious for her reply, I peek up. Her eyes twinkle with welling tears. She was my best friend growing up, and though we’ve had it rough since puberty, my aching loneliness craves her support, so I push on. “I, mom—I—I like…guys…I—I thought it was a phase, as Dad told me, or something, but it’s not going away and—and…yeah, we broke up.”
The window for a quick positive response closes. The approaching waiter retreats. Steps away before speaking. He knows a breakup when he sees one. “Do you have AIDS?” she says with a sudden urgency.
“What?” Not that question. “No.”
Her ignorance flings her so far from where I need her to be, yanking my hope away so fast that it leaves me breathless.
“What about grandkids?” she panics.
I claw at anger to stay afloat. “What? I don’t know. It can still happen, I guess.”
This was a terrible idea.
She scoops a lettuce wrap, tears falling down her face as she piles the chicken on top. “Well, of course, we love you and accept you…but just, you know, not the lifestyle,” she says, crunching into a bite.
“Lifestyle” is the Mormon codeword for sex with other men, even though if asked, they’d say “lifestyle” means all the partying “they” do.
I sink into the booth, disgusted with the families of mall shoppers around me shoveling mounds of fried rice into their mouths. We cut into our dynamite shrimp in silence.
It’s clear, my mother won’t turn on the Mormons. Should’ve kept my mouth shut.
My mother asks for the check. Escape.
*******
I was nineteen when I came out to my mother; forced to tell her after a failed suicide attempt. I hadn’t known it would be the beginning of my end.
My story was horrific: after being a closeted, gay Mormon in the 90s, I found relief as a tweaker. I drove a car under an eighteen-wheeler and walked away, was arrested for possession and distribution then pushed through the Washington D.C. judicial system, became an informant for the federal government, watched friends OD, and evaded threats to my life…basically, all the “that would never happen to me” consequences times ten.
But I walked away, alive, having never “ratted” and with my case dismissed. I don’t know how other than I was one lucky SOB. Thankfully, since then, recovery has stuck.
But it meant I had to deal with life on life’s terms.
In 2008, the journey with my mother took a significant hit after the Mormons funded the California vote in favor of Prop 8 to ban gay marriage. Even in sobriety, despite those early recovery years feeling closer to her than I ever had, I was still clinging to the hope that she would one day renounce her beliefs.
But that was a pipe dream.
The years that followed were met with more disappointments. And the more my esteem grew in recovery, the more painful the disappointments became.
I had to accept that she would never change.
I had to protect and save my little boy self.
I needed to let go of the mother I expected her to be and let her be the mother she was, which wasn’t enough.
So I made the impossible choice to never speak to her again.
To grieve her as if I lost her.
And I thought getting sober off methamphetamines would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do...
But there is a happy ending.
When my now husband met my mother for the first time, it was one of the first few interactions I had with her after years apart. She was unavoidable at life-marking events in my siblings' lives, and gradually, the waters were tested until I felt confidently free from emotional reactions toward her (aka being triggered). But, I was very wrong. She made an innocent comment that set me off.
Later, in our hotel room, my fiancé casually remarked, “Why don’t you just forgive her?”
“Forgive her? Do you have any idea what she’s done to me?”
“Yeah, but, like you said, you’re not that person anymore.”
I scoffed - as if forgiveness were that easy.
“She should be asking for my forgiveness!”
He laughed. “Don’t laugh at me!” I snapped.
“Sorry, but you did all that work to stay away, yet you still hold resentment. What was the point?”
I scoffed again. My mouth dropped. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was healed. Was I still expecting her to change?
Damn.
I needed a new approach.
That’s when I realized forgiveness is an active verb.
Sean and his mother, years later, at his wedding.
I was going to experiment and see what would happen if, in my mind, I wholeheartedly repeated “I forgive you” toward my mother when in her presence for the rest of the trip. She would have no idea.
We’d share a meal.
“I forgive you.”
A walk.
“I forgive you.”
A drive.
“I forgive you.”
On and on I would experiment. Hoping to be free.
Until the last day, my mother asked to speak with me alone. That was unusual but good because I could use the opportunity to say “I forgive you” out loud. Perhaps-
“I don’t know why, but I had an idea for something I wanted to try, and I’m hoping you’ll let me,” She said.
I nodded, confused.
“M’kay,” she said, sitting me down on the love seat, “this may sound strange, but lie down and put your head on my lap.”
It’s too much intimacy that I am not prepared for, but still, I awkwardly scrunched my entire 6’4, 220-pound frame on the love seat, resting my head on her lap.
I flinched when I suddenly felt her hand stroking my hair. What is going on?
I can’t look up because I think she’s already crying. “I just wanted to speak to that child inside of you. To that four-year-old. I wanted him to know - I am so, so, so sorry. He is right to be upset. His childhood was not fair. And I wish it had gone better for him. I hope one day he can forgive me.”
She continued stroking my hair. I swallowed the most enormous lump in my throat. “I see him still in so much pain,” she said, “and I just want him to know he’s loved. And I love him. And I wish it were different. But it’s not. And I’m so, so sorry because of that.”
It’s as if I were the four-year-old who received that which he had sought after his entire life.
I was so moved that I vowed to forgive her entirely. But how? Internally, repeating “I forgive you” was giving space between her words/behavior and my reactions but that wasn’t enough. Within that interstice my growing awareness could see that I as the adult was fine; it was the child in me still emotional even after hearing this from my mother. But why? He wasn’t alone anymore. He wasn’t abandoned. He had love, and understanding. So, then why?
Could it be that my triggers were now only habit? The mechanics of the brain. After years and years of reacting to her, it made sense that I was trained to respond this way. So forgiveness was not only an active verb but a practice in breaking a habitual way of thinking!
If I simply observed the emotional trigger coursing through my body and repeated to myself - it’s nothing more than an emotional reaction based on my past and that is perfectly okay, nothing is wrong - I could separate enough from the emotion to give myself a chance to choose to act differently. And most of the time that looked like not responding at all. It would be like turning around the Titanic at first, but would become progressively easier, until over time, the habit would die. And replaced by something new - like love.
Which is exactly what happened.
Unbeknownst to me, my mother had her own evolution in our time apart. Despite still being Mormon, she internalized her relationship with her God into a more take-what-you-can-and-leave-the-rest brand, which left her less in a place of judgement and more in a place of acceptance and love.
She even cheekily told me, she loved my soon-to-be husband more than me and that I better not screw it up because he’s a good one - and she meant it!
And when I asked my mother to walk me down the aisle, she didn’t hesitate.
So, on the day, in her best dress, tears streamed down her face - as mine - for we now shared a love we knew not possible.
I know how hard forgiveness truly is because of my path with my mom…for people who are struggling, here’s a reminder that finding the space beyond the emotion is the best place to start.
Sean Hemeon is an award-winning actor (9-1-1, Criminal Minds, CW’s Husbands), screenwriter, and abstract expressionist painter. His debut memoir, The Good Little Druglord, chronicles his extraordinary journey from a former Mormon drug dealer to a federal informant, exploring themes of mental health, addiction, redemption, and identity. He resides in Los Angeles with his husband and their two Boston Terriers. Follow him on insta @sean_hemeon or www.seanhemeon.com for all updates.
What is Polyvagal Theory?
Polyvagal theory often uses the metaphor of a ladder to describe the autonomic nervous system. This photo is by Xin.
Despite the fact that it floated around me for years, I never paid attention to the word “polyvagal.” My (incorrect) assumption was that if polyvagal theory really worked, I’d hear about it via word of mouth. That changeI’ve begrudgingly accepted that I am that word of mouth.
As this Wikipedia entry on polyvagal theory shows, this is a new and emerging field of science. Wiki editors are adding new links to impassioned scholarly articles on all sides of the debate as we speak. Instead of hand-wringing about this, I’m focusing on how polyvagal theory helps me understand which actions to take depending on the state my nervous system is in. I’ve needed this for a long time.
Polyvagal is a new understanding of how the autonomic nervous system regulates behavior to keep us safe pioneered by Stephen Porges in 1994. In the same way that critical somatics helped me establish a daily foundational practice for nervous system regulation, polyvagal theory has given me in-the-moment techniques that help me regulate. It also provides me a framework for understanding how my nervous system works and what it needs to function properly.
Rundown of the nervous system “states” as described by Stephen Porges
Polyvagal theory has helped me understand how my nervous system tries to protect me by changing states in response to what’s happening. I can now recognize what being stuck in a hyper- or hypo-aroused state feels like (again, if you don’t know what this means, you were me before learning about this theory). I’ve learned which polyvagal tools to use to build my tolerance for inevitable daily stressors. And since polyvagal emphasizes the importance of co-regulation, or how people interact with each other to manage emotions, it’s led me to invest more in personal relationships as an important path to improvement.
Learn more
Where Did Weighted Blankets Come From, Anyway?
A Q&A with Keith Zivalich
Keith Zivalich with Pugsly, the Beanie Baby that led him to his “aha” moment in 1997.
Bevoya: Can you tell us about your background -- where did you grow up? where do you live now? What do you do for a living? And a little about your own mental health journey, if you have a journey to share?
Keith: I grew up in Los Angeles. Now I live with my family in Valencia, CA, a suburb outside of LA. Since, 2015, my primary source of income is through running a small family e-commerce business making and selling The Magic Weighted Blanket. I don’t really have much of a mental health journey other than recently self-diagnosing myself as a highly sensitive person, which is not a disorder but more of a personality trait. Not sure it had anything to do with me inventing the weighted blanket, but I do know I instantly felt a calming sensation the first time my daughter placed her Beanie Baby on my shoulder, which was the inspiration for the weighted blanket.
Bevoya: How did you start exploring weighted blankets? What was happening in the world at that time and what led to your insights?
An early prototype of the “bean blanket.”
Keith: In 1997, our family had just moved back home from Boise, Idaho where I was working for an ad agency. One day, my daughter placed a Beanie Baby on my shoulder and I noticed how it hugged me. My first thought was to imagine a blanket filled with these little beans. It would be “the blanket that hugs you back,” which is now our registered trademark. I asked my wife to make a child size prototype to show around to our neighbors with kids. No one liked it. It was too heavy. I remembered a friend of ours who is a special needs teacher telling me that she used to hug the kids with autism and sensory processing disorder in her class to calm them down. I gave her the prototype to try out. She came back the next day saying she needed more. From that moment on, I knew weighted blankets were going to be huge. I found a manufacturer here in Los Angeles and started making them. We called our new business The Original Beanie Blanket Company but Ty Corporation, the maker of the Beanie Babies, sent us a Cease and Desist letter, so we called it the Original Bean Blanket Company. That’s our legal name to this day. We sold our first blanket in 1998 to a friend we made in Boise, Idaho.
Bevoya: In the past decade or so weighted blankets have become incredibly popular. As someone who has watched the marketing cycle unfold, what has surprised you about the popularity of weighted blankets?
Keith: Honestly, I was not surprised by their popularity. What did surprise me was that it took so long. Knowing that we had a market within the autism and sensory processing disorder communities, we started marketing our weighted blankets to OTs in 1998. Around that time, I had applied for a patent on my own for the design of a weighted blanket, but it was denied. By the early 2000s, as OTs started to get the word out about weighted blankets, there were a couple of moms with special needs kids who also started making and selling them. Slowly, over the next decade, weighted blankets remained a cottage industry, but there was growing awareness. By around 2014, the mass media started catching on. We were featured in Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Dr. Oz, Wall Street Journal, USA Today and others. It was around that time, I was able to quit my regular job and focus on the family business. Then, in 2017, we were interviewed by Time Magazine for their 2017 invention of the year award. After hearing about our journey from inventing a new product and becoming a leader in a niche community, we were sure we would be featured. But alas, no. The award went to the Gravity Weighted Blanket which had broken the record on Kickstarter for raising the most money for a start up. By that time, we had been in business for almost 20 years. With the award, they acknowledged that Gravity did not invent the weighted blanket, but that they brought it to the mass market. From 2017 on, weighted blankets exploded, as did our business. But with that media attention came an outpouring of competition, now obtaining their weighted blankets from China, like Gravity did, and the prices for weighted blankets dropped to a level that has made it very hard for a US manufacturer like us to compete. So now, instead of just trying to sell The Magic Weighted Blanket, I am trying to sell the one person who has been there all along, The Weighted Blanket Guy.
Keith: It wasn't like one day I woke up and thought, "Hey, I should be the weighted blanket guy." It has been something people have been calling me for many, many years. From day one, when we started a niche company and all the way through the explosion of weighted blanket's popularity, I have always answered customer phone calls and emails, and when I introduce myself, I very often heard people say with shocked surprise, "You're the weighted blanket guy." And one of the things about being a small family business, you pretty much have to do it all, and that includes building your brand. I've spent 26 years building the Magic Blanket brand and thought it was time to put myself out there as the guy who started the weighted blanket phenomenon. And although I don't like him, it has worked wonders for The Pillow Guy. The goal is not to necessarily promote my brand, but to promote me, my story and the knowledge I have gained by being consumed with all things weighted blankets so I can help bring a little calm and comfort into people's lives.
Bevoya: What do you wish more people knew about weighted blankets? What do you think companies get wrong when they try to sell them?
Keith: I wish people knew that weighted blankets have been bringing calm and comfort to people for a long time and that it is not because of the media hype. That media hype has turned weighted blankets into a get rich quick scheme by many start ups. They buy cheaply made and priced blankets from outside the US, make a lot of money, sell the company and look for the next media darling. In the meantime, we have loyal customers who have found a holistic remedy to their anxiety and sleeplessness and then tell their friends and we eke out an existence. Weighted blankets work. There is science behind it with a long legacy of helping people. That is the story the media giants should be telling. So the Weighted Blanket Guy is telling it.
What these companies get wrong based on customer feedback is that these companies are selling one size for both men and women – a 48x72. Most of the factories in China mass produce these as a standard size. There are two drawbacks to this size. 1) 48 inches is often too wide for most women. It spreads the weight out too much so the person is actually under less of the compressive weight, which is where the magic happens. 2) 72 inches is too short for most men. All blankets have a tendency to pull up. A 72 inch blanket is going to pull up over a taller person’s feet.
Keith with his family in the early years
Bevoya: Do you have a favorite type of weighted blanket? What should consumers look out for when trying to choose one?
Keith: I have been sleeping with same Charcoal Grey Chenille 20 pound blanket for going on 10 years. Chenille is our most popular because it is super soft and durable. There are several things consumers should look for:
Get the blanket to fit the body, not the bed. I get calls all the time from people asking for a queen or king size blanket. A blanket that large weighs over 30 pounds and needs to be taken to a Laundromat with industrial size machines.
A removable duvet cover is a bad choice. You have to unzip the cover. Untie the inner liner. Machine was and dry the cover. Hand wash and hang dry the inner liner. Re-tie. Then re-zip. I get many calls from consumers who have learned this the hard way and now want something that can go right in the washer, right in the dryer and then right on the bed.
Is there a warranty that guarantees quality? Because most of the weighted blankets on the market today are made cheaply overseas, there is little or no assurance of quality. We have a lifetime warranty and I can count on one hand the number of blankets that have been returned faulty to us.
All weighted blankets retain some degree of body heat. When weighted blankets exploded on the market in 2017, one of the biggest complaints from the general market was that they were hot. So manufacturers started coming up with alternative covers that were “cooler.” Yes, they will be “cooler” for one simple reason, they are more breathable. Cotton and cotton flannel are “cooler” fabrics because they are more breathable. Heat can more easily pass through than a chenille or minky or fleece. But many manufacturers want prospective customers to think that they will be cool under one of these blankets. But the truth is a weighted blanket presses down on the body and traps body heat. It is going to be 98 degrees. With cotton or another type of cooling fabric it will technically be cooler but most people will not feel a great amount of difference. I always tell people to give their bodies a couple of weeks to get used to the blanket, including used to the added heat.
Paying a little more for our professionally American made weighted blanket is worth it. Our blankets last a long time.
Bevoya: Is there anything else I've neglected to ask you that you want to share?
Photo of the Charcoal Grey Chenille ($ 171.00)
Keith: No, I think this covers a lot. But I do hope the one takeaway will be that after the mass media hype about weighted blanket fades, the fact that weighted blankets have been bringing calm and comfort for over 26 years means they aren’t just another fad, like the Snuggie. Remember those? When I first came up with the weighted blanket idea, there was a similar product called the Slanket. It was a blanket with sleeves invented by a college kid and his mom made the first prototype. He and I both started our businesses around the same time, 1998. Then years later, a competitor came out with the Snuggie and it exploded on the market. But is was a gimmick and a fad, and Snuggies aren’t really around anymore. My hope is that weighted blankets bring calm and comfort to everyone for many more years to come.
Your Comprehensive Guide to Kids and Anxiety
A deep, comprehensive, exhaustively-researched guide to kids and anxiety.
Early support and treatment really does make a difference
Anxiety in children has been diagnosed an at increasingly higher rate in the past few years. Here’s some information from the CDC:
7.1 percent of children aged 3-17 years (approximately 4.4 million) have diagnosed anxiety
For children aged 3-17 years with anxiety, more than 1 in 3 also have behavior problems (37.9%) and about 1 in 3 also have depression (32.3%)
Among children living below 100% of the federal poverty level, more than 1 in 5 (22%) had a mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder.
Age and poverty level affected the likelihood of children receiving treatment for anxiety, depression, or behavior problems.
Children who receive support and treatment early—as soon as possible after symptoms start—will have a better chance of successfully managing their anxiety. That’s why it is so important that parents (as well as teachers and other adults who interact with children) know the signs, and what to do to help a child who may have anxiety.
More pressure means more anxiety
Dr Patti Ashley
The increase in anxiety among children likely can be attributed at least in part to the high-pressure environment kids live in today, along with the desire to make their parents proud—which may be a challenge for kids who set unrealistically high expectations for themselves. “Kids want to please their parents and don’t feel like they’re enough,” says Dr. Patti Ashley, psychotherapist, author, and creator of a psychotherapy approach called Authenticity Architecture. “This causes lots of anxiety.”
Not surprisingly, social media and the tendency to be plugged in 24/7 also plays a role. Everyone else’s life looks so perfect and exciting, and there’s the persistent pressure to compete. Kids are constantly comparing themselves to everyone else. “There’s so much more to live up to, with the pressure of social media. Higher expectations,” Ashley says. “Then there’s also chronic fear because of mass shootings, especially in schools. The nervous system thinks it is in chronic trauma.”
How anxiety is different in children than in adults
There are some basic characteristics in anxiety that are generally consistent across the board. But there are some elements that make anxiety especially challenging for the children who have it—and the people who care about them and are trying to understand how to help them.
“Anxiety is a sign of personal distress and suffering, whether it be an adult or a child. The difference is usually an adult has more awareness and an ability to articulate what they are experiencing due to a more expansive ‘feeling vocabulary,’” says Linda Snell MSW, LCSW at New Method Wellness.
“Children experience anxiety in three ways,” Snell says. “It is experienced in the thoughts a child has, such as a fear of objects and/or worrying about events or people. Secondly, it is experienced in the body, such as stomachaches, headaches, vomiting, diarrhea, and tiredness. Lastly, it manifests in a child’s behavior. A child may freeze, cling, shake, fidget, and cry. In both children and adult’s anxiety will result in avoidance. Anxiety can cause a marked interference in one’s life affecting the adult’s work performance and the child’s school performance, disrupts both the adult and child’s relationships, and decreases self-esteem to name a few effects. In a child it can exacerbate a child’s feeling of dependency where for an adult it can increase isolation.
Dr. Dana Dorfman, PhD, psychotherapist and co-host of the podcast “2 Moms on the Couch,” echoes the connection between inability to express their situation and an array of physical symptoms. “Because children do not have the vocabulary, life experience, and developmental capacities to identify and verbalize their feelings, they may be less likely to do so,” Dorfman says. “Thus, anxiety may manifest in behaviors that may be easily misinterpreted. Some examples include tantrums, difficulty sleeping, difficulty separating from parents, nightmares, regression from previously acquired skills like toilet training and sleeping through the night, rigidity (being inflexible or highly demanding), irritable mood, changes in eating behavior, and excessive clinginess. Children may also exhibit tension or anxiety by nail biting, lip biting, tics. Anxiety in children can also manifest physically: such as stomachaches, headaches, and sensory sensitivity (hypersensitivity to noise, light, and touch).”
This tendency to produce confusing symptoms can make it difficult for adults to accurately detect anxiety in children, at least at first. “Children are rarely able to identify and verbalize feelings, particularly anxiety,” says Dorfman. “As a result, they exhibit it in behaviors which may be "misleading,” misunderstood, or misinterpreted by adults around them. For example, frequent stomach aches could be attributable to factors like diet or illness, rather than anxiety.”
Types of anxiety
As with adults, anxiety in children can have several different forms. Dorfman says, “There are several categories of anxiety disorders- the emergence of which frequently corresponds with developmental stages and can last far longer than developmentally appropriate.” Dorfman listed some examples of common types of anxiety:
In younger children: Separation anxiety
In early adolescence: Social anxiety
During school years and beyond: Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder
Adolescence and beyond: Panic Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (any age)
Posttraumatic stress disorder
“All of the above-mentioned disorders may be catalyzed by an event or experience,” Dorfman says. “They are likely to persist, often require treatment and may or may not recur throughout lifespan. If one experiences one or more of the disorders, there is a greater likelihood of recurrence or additional anxiety disorder to emerge at a later stage.”
What causes anxiety in kids?
There is no single definitive cause that has been identified as the root of anxiety conditions. However, Snell says an individual is more than likely to develop an anxiety disorder if:
he/she has experienced trauma
he/she has a physical condition that is linked to anxiety
he/she has biological relatives diagnosed with anxiety disorders or other mental illnesses.
“There is agreement that anxiety disorders can be both genetic and caused by environmental factors,” Snell says. “Studies do indicate that an anxious parent does pass on a predisposition for an anxious child to be more emotionally sensitive than the average child. On a positive note. an anxious child is more likely to be kind and compassionate.”
Does it run in families?
It often seems like some families have clusters of people (of all ages) who have anxiety, and experts say that’s no coincidence. “Yes, there are significant genetic factors which contribute to anxiety,” Dorfman says. “If a family member—particularly a parent—has anxiety, a child may be more likely to inherit this trait. Additionally, parents who demonstrate significant anxious behavior are likely to engender anxiety in children. Children who experience trauma such as loss of a parent, natural disasters, or are exposed to chronically stressful circumstances are more prone to anxiety.”
Signs that a child may have anxiety
Dr Takesha Cooper
It’s important for adults to be alert for possible signs of anxiety, so they can help children get treatment and support as soon as possible. Specific symptoms or anxiety-related behaviors can vary by the individual, but there are some things that can often be red flags. “Symptoms of anxiety include avoiding the situation that triggers anxiety,” says Dr. Takesha Cooper, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California Riverside School of Medicine and a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Riverside County Department of Mental Health's Lake Elsinore Family Mental Health Services. “For example, if a child is anxious about being away from a caregiver as in Separation Anxiety Disorder, that child will avoid scenarios in which they have to be apart from their caregiver. They might follow the caregiver through the house, express extreme anxiety or have a tantrum if the caregiver needs to leave.”
Dorfman advises parents to watch out for any significant changes in daily functioning, particularly related to eating, sleeping and general mood. “Parents should be aware of regressions. For example, a child who has been fully toilet trained for over a year suddenly begins having frequent accidents or a child who did not have difficulty with parents' departure at school drop off, may suddenly resist separations.”
It’s common for anxiety in children to manifest itself in ways that mimic behavior issues or anger management problems. “Children with anxiety often worry about ‘what might happen’ so they might verbalize these worries out loud,” says Cooper. “Some children when anxious can even become agitated and aggressive. This is their fight-or-flight that kicks in and can easily be mistaken for a disruptive behavior disorder, such as oppositional defiant disorder, or a mood disorder, such as bipolar disorder. This is why it’s important to have the child undergo a thorough assessment to understand their triggers and to talk to the child to better understand what is going through their mind before and during these episodes, because it gives us a clue into why they behave the way they do.”
What should you do if your child has anxiety?
“First, take a deep breath and know that anxiety in children is fairly common,” says Snell. “One in ten children are diagnosed with anxiety disorders. Getting your child help will require time, patience, commitment, and collaboration. I strongly suggest you and your child see a qualified mental health professional who is trained to assess your child and partner with you in addressing your child’s anxiety. A professional can help you and your child learn effective tools to decrease your child’s distress, apply the tools, and troubleshoot any issues as well as keep both you and your child motivated while monitoring progress.”
Don’t make them stifle their feelings. “I tell them all feelings are okay but all behavior isn’t,” says Dr. Ashley. “It’s okay to feel whatever they feel. Our culture has created this ideal that in order to be successful we must overcome these feelings.”
Parents need support, too
While the primary concern is the child with anxiety, family members—especially parents—can also benefit from helpful resources. “Parents greatly benefit from education about anxiety and treatment approaches,” says Dorfman. “Parents may contact pediatrician who is likely to be well versed in emotional issues of childhood and can refer the family to a mental health professional. Ideally, the professional will work with parents in addition to the child to educate, provide strategies and resources so that parents may support child with compassion and understanding. Parents may also confer with teachers and may reach out to school social worker or psychologist for resources, support and referrals.”
Treatment options
The traditional approach to treating anxiety was a two-pronged strategy: a combination of medication and therapy. “The two most common forms of treatment are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy,” says Dorfman. “Medications which are commonly prescribed are SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and/or anti-anxiety and sedative medications.”
That’s still the basic foundation recommended by many mental health professionals. However, these days, more medical and mental health practitioners are also incorporating other strategies into their recommended treatment plan, as we’ll describe later.
Therapy
Dorfman says, “The most commonly used treatment approaches for children with anxiety are play therapy, for children under 12 or so; talk therapy; psycho-education (learning about anxiety); cognitive behavioral therapy; and parent guidance. Psychopharmacology—meaning medications like SSRI and anti-anxiety medications—are also effective, particularly when paired with therapy.”
Medication
“Medications can be effective and beneficial,” says Dorfman. “The introduction of medication is largely contingent upon the degree of impairment and the degree to which the anxiety interferes with daily functioning. Often, patients are assessed and engage therapy before medication is introduced, though patients and situations vary significantly. “
“Medication can be an important treatment for anxiety disorders, even in children,” says Cooper. “We consider medication when the anxiety interferes significantly in a child’s ability to function. For example, if a child has severe generalized anxiety disorder and has been unable to attend school for weeks due to the anxiety, it would be helpful to consider adding medication to the treatment plan which should already include psychotherapy. Or a child with Panic Disorder who has intense fear of future panic attacks such that she is unable to leave her home would benefit from a trial of medication to see if it helps her. “
“While these scenarios are severe, children with moderate anxiety can still be good candidates for medication, particularly if they are already receiving therapy but still are symptomatic,” says Cooper. “Oftentimes we see the medication can help children better utilize therapy because they are less anxious and more willing to discuss their anxiety or try anxiety reduction techniques the provider suggests such as exposures which are proven to help reduce anxiety. For mild childhood anxiety, medications should generally not be chosen, given that good cognitive-based therapy by a trained clinician alone is often effective in reducing symptoms.”
Alternative or complementary treatment options
Alternative or complementary treatment options are no longer viewed with the type of skepticism as they were in the past. Even better, these days there is such a wide range of creative (and fun!) alternative treatments that there’s something to fit everyone.
“In the past decade or so, patients have increasingly used various forms of meditation and mindfulness practice,” says Dorfman. “Patients are encouraged to exercise regularly, journal and breathing techniques.”
“I like to find what kids are interested in,” says Ashley. “Getting out in nature, doing art. Take a hike. You have to be in the experience of feeling joy and laughter. That gives the body a message that I am safe and okay. Talk therapy is important and helpful, so I like to combine several forms of therapy. I like to find something they enjoy doing that’s more right-brained, because that’s where the imprint happens. Try to make it as personal and customized as I can.”
Examples of alternative/complementary treatments
Many people are surprised to discover the impressive—and interesting—range of treatment options available to help those with anxiety. Here are just a few examples of therapy types that can be used to treat anxiety.
Surf therapy: the ocean waves have a soothing effect, and the water provides a serene environment that promotes bonding with family members.
Equine therapy: horses can have a calming effect, and caring and guiding the horses gives anxious kids an outlet to focus their energy, providing a positive distraction.
Dolphin therapy: while used primarily for children with autism, some experts say this can also be a good form of therapy for those with anxiety or depression.
Wilderness therapy: spending time outdoors in an “adventure program” can help kids gain confidence and develop problem-solving skills.
Yoga therapy: yoga is all about focusing your body and mind in a positive way, and the emphasis on finding your center and controlling your breathing can help alleviate the symptoms of anxiety.
What about you? Have you found an anxiety treatment that works well for your family? Share in the comments below!
From Living with OCD to Helping Others
A perfectionist shares the story of how she went from Harvard College to Harvard Law to OCD specialist.
The author Natalia Aniela Aíza
My journey as an OCD therapist (and what I have yet to learn).
Compulsions are some of my earliest childhood memories. I was the only daughter of a single mother, a political refugee from Poland, and a Mexican father that I didn’t know. I locked and relocked the front door, then picked up the landline to make sure there was a dial tone, then looked out the back window to see if there was a car in the alley. I was six years old when I started spending every afternoon, and many weekends alone on the top floor of a duplex in downtown Milwaukee.
In late elementary, I started feeling the urge to cut my arm. It was pre-internet, and I had no idea that anyone else did this too. I always cut in the same spot on the same arm, and then spent the next week compulsively dousing the wound with rubbing alcohol. The skin would bubble and puss, and I would focus all my anxiety on that searing pain. I distinctly remember that queasy feeling of being both powerful and powerless – what I now understand to be the dichotomy of having a control disorder that is out of control. I literally could not stop hurting myself.
By middle school, my compulsive cutting had morphed into stealing. I was easily the best student in my classes, but was pathologically quiet. When other students went to recess, I would sneak back into the teacher’s supply room and take folders and binders. I never used any of these items, but I created a little collection in my bedroom that felt sacred to me. 6th grade summer, I began to slip single sleeves of stickers into my pants at the local Kohl’s grocery store (a staple of 1990s Wisconsin). My OCD version of shoplifting – the same item from the same store at the same time of day, every day – obviously got me caught. I actually got handcuffed as a 75 pound little girl, taken to the police station, and fingerprinted.
My stealing abruptly stopped after this scared straight moment, and my OCD morphed once again into the place where it happily stayed for the coming decades: perfectionism.
Of course some part of me is grateful that my compulsivity settled into a safer landing spot than self-harm or theft, but now that I am a therapist, I appreciate how much harder it is to heal from perfectionism OCD. Pushing myself to achieve that “just right” feeling, and overachieving until I literally cannot keep my eyes open anymore, has propelled most aspects of my life. It has brought pride and achievement, but also loss and disconnection. I anchor myself so loyally to perfection, I am not sure who Natalia is outside of it.
Natalia with her team at Kairos Wellness Collective.
I realize the irony of trying to compose this very essay. My center is thriving, my life is full: and yet I wake up early Sunday morning to search for the consummate words to describe perfectionism. I am no longer that frightened and lonely little girl in Wisconsin, but somehow I am still driven by an intangible sense of danger. Being less-than feels unsafe.
If I put my therapist hat on, I am able to identify my current OCD as “ego-syntonic.” This means that my core self and my OCD are in line. Even if I recognize how my happiness is limited by my need for excellence, I will still willingly make this trade.
As a mental health practitioner, I have a belief (perhaps superstitious) that the universe pairs you with the clients that you need to fully see yourself. I began my career with two jobs: as an expat therapist in a ritzy neighborhood of Shanghai and as a child therapist at a local orphanage. I spent the year toggling back and forth between these very different workplaces, struggling with the duality of working with children with abandonment wounds and over-achieving adults. It was only in retrospect that I started connecting these two client bases as aspects of my own self.
From a very early age, I accepted that I wasn’t good enough to keep my father. I knew nothing of the circumstances of my parent’s rupture, but I formed a core belief that I was not worthy of love. My attachment style, unsurprisingly, has been anxious for my whole life. I fear that love will crumble if it is imperfect, and I am hypervigilant of my partner’s reactions to me. My anxious brain can ruminate on something as benign as a sour look in my direction.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we teach our clients that most negative perceptions can be traced back to one of three core beliefs: I am unworthy, I am unsafe, and I am unloved. My perfectionism has been so treatment-resistant because it was my salve for all three of these fundamental fears.
Perfectionism is my brain’s effort to give me a sense of control; if I am measured, perhaps I will be safe. If I am tireless, perhaps I will be worthy. If I am flawless, then perhaps I will be loved.
However, as an OCD specialist, I know that we have to let go of the compulsion in order to heal the obsession. Consistently meeting your own outsized standards reinforces that you must always do so, no matter what. I will never feel loved, worthy, and safe, until I am truly able to lean into the discomfort of imperfection.
Even as I sit here trying to type out my “perfectionism story,” overthinking and judgment lingers around this very text. My perception of my business is warped by self-criticism. Every piece of negative feedback fully eclipses all the positives. Sometimes I even feel nostalgia for the self-destructive little girl that I once was. This adult version of me must continuously self-construct. If I slow down, or do just good enough, I do so with a chorus of intrusive thoughts that I might fail.
I long to break step with this pattern. I have been marching forward for so long that I don’t know how to dance. I see the harm of perfectionism in my clients, but also how dearly they cling to it. I have to be honest with them – this compulsion still shadows me now. Committing these words to the page signifies a pact with myself to finally, completely let go of perfectionism.
I tell my clients: let’s try this new dance together.
Natalia Aniela Aíza, LPC, is the founder of Kairos Wellness Collective, an OCD clinic in Boulder, Colorado. Her maladaptive perfectionism drove her out of a difficult childhood to Harvard College, then Harvard Law, before she found her true calling as a mother and an OCD specialist. She is passionate about mental health advocacy, and honesty from healers about our own (ongoing) struggles. You can follow her center on Instagram.