#LikeFreeMovement

Click through, and see a Facebook post I shared yesterday that got only one like.

Yesterday a friend asked me, “Why are all of my social media feeds (esp Twitter) the same thing over and over?” I didn’t realize I had an opinion until I said it aloud:

If you post something different, you risk missing out on the good feelings (and dopamine hit) that "likes” on social media give you. True leaders have fewer likes as they share new thinking. Getting others to be into a new approach takes time, so many people choose not to do it.

Let’s explore the power of a hashtag.

The more we spoke, the more I realized that aiming for fewer likes is a great goal for someone with anxiety. If I learn to share my ideas without expected responses, it will free me to forge new paths. I want to convince each of you to share my goal. The hashtag I've begun using to reinforce this message (even to myself) is #LikeFreeMovement.

I imagine John and Yoko as the patron saints of #LikeFreeMovement. They shared what they wanted to, without fear of response. No people-pleasing behavior here.

What do you think? Could you aim to share new thinking without looking for the positive feelings of likes? Here’s a great place to discuss our new #LikeFreeMovement ;)

Why “Nice” Advice Used to Stress Me Out

And how I fixed it.

When you have an anxiety disorder, you’re used to navigating the world of “life advice” like football players doing the block and tackle. New perspectives are coming at you from all directions, and it’s your job to quarterback yourself through the experience intact. It’s not always easy, though.

In the past few years, I’ve learned that even well-intentioned, “nice” advice needs reframing in order to avoid leaving a mark. It’s just part of having anxiety.

Through my past few years of job changes, there’s been one piece of advice that’s come up more than others. I’ve heard it again and again. It’s: “Embrace Who You Are.” Though it’s definitely a nice sentiment, since I have anxiety, being told to embrace my true self has made me feel:

Here’s Why.

Anxiety made it very hard to know what, exactly, what I should be embracing. Anxiety obscured who I was and what I liked. All I could hear was pressure and static inside my head. Well-intentioned advice like “Embrace Who You Are” added pressure to an already-tight space.

I Tried This Instead.

When someone gives me the “embrace who you are” advice, I’ve learned to reframe it into:

Seek the space to allow your inner voice to speak up.

This was my daughter at the beach last week. She pondered sand for 20 minutes.

Instead of piling another difficult to-do onto the list, I’ve used this reframe to remove them, giving myself room to let the answers start to bubble up themselves.

For those of us with anxiety, the best advice is never about trying harder to do anything. I’ll sound like Yoda here, but the advice that works all enters on this theme: Create the space, and the insight will come.

This is how I learned to reframe “nice” advice so that it works for me. I hope it works for you, too!

Gawky is a State of Mind

It might not be a bad one, either.

My early days of creating this site were truly awkward. I began with the worst names. The first was The GAD Owner’s Manual. Yes, the url was equally long and ridiculous. Ha!

I “graduated” to Blind Elephant. Haha! This was the type of imagery I used for Blind Elephant, the site for overthinkers.

Beautiful, but odd for a stress website?

My first days of writing were equally stilted. I remember sharing my early posts and wanting people to read them, yet being terrified they would.

“Look at this! Not too closely! Wait, yes, do look!”

It was all…gawky.

No such thing as a gawky elephant, but an elephant in the room is pretty awkward.

It reminds me of the message in a bottle bobbling off the coast of Oregon on our Beautiful Voyager Map. That message has these words of advice for future travelers:

“You gotta go through gawky to get to graceful.”

Gawky is an unavoidable part of the journey. Thinking you can skip over gawky is like thinking you can go from being a child to being an adult without living through perms and braces: it just isn't going to happen.

I can't pretend to have achieved graceful yet. I can, however, finally see it on the horizon.

Damn does it look appealing.

I can see why so many want people to skip gawky to get there.

And yet…Having lived gawky for a few years now, I’ll share what artists and comedians have known since time began:

If you can build the stamina, sharing the gawky is what transforms you.

“Fake it til you make it” never worked for me.

In part, this is because no one wants to do it. It takes strength and courage to get out there and reveal your true gawky self. But this is exactly why we need to do it.

I’m in the middle of Roxane Gay’s new book, Hunger, right now. It’s a pretty powerful testament to the power of revealing the awkward…the gawky…the unseemly…without apologies. The sheer strength of it is undeniable. This is the birthplace of true grace.

So bring on the gawky, everyone. Let’s see it, in all of its absurd, funny, awful, painful, true, beauty.

love, Meredith

What is "Energy Debt"?

In this series, I tell you about recent conversations with friends and acquaintances whose tales of the wave might ring true for you, too.

Jane Craig, played by Holly Hunter in Broadcast News, is one burnt-out producer lady.

My friend (let's call her Jane Craig) and I were talking on the phone, coordinating carpool for an event we planned to attend together.

"I know I really should go to this," Jane said. "I don't want to let [PARTYTHROWER] down. But I am so, so worried and anxious. I just don't know what to do with myself."

We talked about what had been going on in her life. As an accomplished producer in her 40s, Jane kept herself busy at work. She liked to take on one project while the other was still going. The Jane Craig motto of life: "I like the chaos." 

I asked Jane what she would do the with extra free time if she missed the event. "How would you feel right now if you said no right now?" I asked. 

"Amazing. I'd have to push myself to get this other work done. But if I did it, I'd feel incredible." She paused. "On the other hand, I tend to have a lot of energy in the morning. Perhaps I should just use that energy to get the work done and go to the event as well."

Something her tired voice struck me with a lightening bolt realization. This wasn't just about this Jane Craig and this one event. This was about me, burnout, and all of the Jane Craigs in the world. This was behavior I had seen us all indulging in for way too long.

Jane Craig plus team at the station.

"I hate to break it to you Jane, but you are in serious debt right now. And on top of that you're a spendthrift. You're in ENERGY debt. Every time you get the slightest bit of energy in your hands, you run to spend it. It's time to pay back some of your debts. You don't really have a choice about this. We're talking about debt here."

Jane decided to send her regrets to the event. I told her that the only way she could truly justify missing this event is if she started to take responsibility for her own energy maintenance. She couldn't keep taking on projects as if she didn't have anxiety. The energy debt was real, and demanded accountability.

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Follow-up text from "Jane" this afternoon.

Since then, Jane has been a bit more mindful of her energy debts. I got this text from her earlier today. She was probably sitting there debating about whether to throw someone a party or bake them a cake. Perhaps she was feeling anticipatory guilt. 

I'm glad this metaphor came into her mind and helped sway her in a more thrifty direction. She needs an era of severe energy thrift. Not forever.

Just for now.

Feeling good when the energy debts are paid.

Seeking: Neuroscientist Interested in Helping People

Answering Questions Via Email Can Make a Huge Difference!

I’m looking for a neuroscientist to speak to the “science” side of Beautiful Voyager, the meeting place of overthinkers.

Earlier today, I was desperately trying to find an article I had once read that talked to-do lists as dopamine tricks on the mind…and not in a good way. They make you believe you’ve actually taken action when you haven’t. That’s why, it argued, people are addicted to creating them.

I need an “Ask a Neuroscientist” to verify if this memory of mine is right. I’d also love to ask a follow-up question or two on behalf of the BV audience. (It’s insane how little there is on this topic when you Google it.)

Do you know a neuroscientist who might be a good candidate? Let me know via email or in response to this post!

Thank you, all of you brilliant talent scouts,

Meredith

Definition: Vulnerability Hangover

Liquids can't help with this one.

/vəl-n(ə-)rə-ˈbi-lə-tē ˈ/ haNGˌōvər /

noun: vulnerability hangover; plural noun: vulnerability hangovers

1. The rush of regret you feel after sharing your weakness with others: A couple months ago I first shared my story with friends and family and I had one of the worst vulnerability hangovers of my life.

2. The lingering awkwardness you feel after trying something new that revealed a hidden or surprising weakness: Put out a video post on Insta. Was strange seeing myself on cam. Experiencing a vulnerability hangover.

Try: Snowglobing Away Your Thoughts

Some of the great things that spilled out of the envelope when I first opened it.

Rainbow monocle.

Last week I received a mysterious package in the mail. In it were many fun anx-positive crafty treats including fake tattoos, scratch and sniff stickers, and a monocle that made everything look rainbow when you looked through it. 

I later found out that my friend Michelle had sent me the care package from The Heart and Hands Store on Etsy. Artist Janelle Silver creates adorable, positive messages to make people feel good. It's a nice gift idea for the right person.

One of Janelle's ideas struck me as a particularly good experiment:

Write down something you need to let go on a piece of paper. Then, in Janelle's words, "Get a bowl full of water and add coloring or glitter...make it a celebration. Record it on your phone if you want to watch it again later. "

Next you just cut the paper into tiny pieces and "snowglobe" them away.

Ta-da!

If this experiment works for you, hit the heart (no login required) to let others know they should give it a try!  

Why I Would Never Create a Donation Page

And what changed my mind.

For the past two years I’ve been working on a website to help people struggling with stress, anxiety, perfectionism and overthinking. In that time, many well-intentioned friends have suggested that I ask for donations to support my work. My response:

Why all the head shaking, you ask?

When it came to donations, my biggest fear was audience perception. (Shouldn’t be a surprise considering what I write about.) I didn’t like the idea of my site, which works to connect sensitive overthinkers with each other, being categorized as “just another non-profit.” I worried that it made it easier for people to write my work off since in our country, we take businesses more seriously than we do social work.

I was also very aware of the pressure it put on friends and family. I’m trying to change perceptions about mental health. I didn’t want to stress more people out.

I also wanted to make sure that the money I asked for served a purpose. Asking for donations before my site had proven its worth to readers and community members felt all wrong.

So what changed?

https://bevoya.com/donate

Earlier today, for the first time, I added a donate page to the Beautiful Voyager. Here’s why it finally felt like time:

• Today I launched the Beautiful Voyager Marketplace. In creating a business model that would help others build their own creative businesses while helping me support the Beautiful Voyager, I no longer felt vulnerable to the same potential criticism I had in the past.

• My vision is being validated by an audience. In the BV Slack group, nearly every day I see comments like, “I am so happy I found Beautiful Voyager. It has made a huge difference in how I see myself and the world.” These statements let me know that I am on the right path in what I’m creating.

• I can’t build my vision alone. It’s OK to ask others for help if you know that what you’re building is special. This no longer worries me.

• My brother told me I needed to do it, saying that he would donate if I put the donation form up. And he did, too! He was the first one. Sometimes you just have to listen to family.

Want to be a rockstar? Join in now.

Thank you for reading!