Explore how anxiety can show up in your life, work, and relationships
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Anxiety and People Pleasing
I'll go out of my way to make sure that the people close to me—particularly boyfriends, best friends, and bosses—are happy with me. It's like seeking approval, but as it's the daily baseline, it's really making sure the status quo is intact.
I've never been conflict avoidant (I could do a one-person Mortified of my stands taken at the wrong time). But being diagnosed with GAD has shown me how uncomfortable I am with personal discord.
Knope-like behavior.
I'll go out of my way to make sure that the people close to me—particularly boyfriends, best friends, and bosses—are happy with me. It's like seeking approval, but as it's the daily baseline, it's really making sure the status quo is intact. If things aren't the way they're supposed to be, I hone in on what needs to be fixed, and either get active to fix the problem, or ruminate at length (all of my twenties) on all of the possible things that could be wrong and possible outcomes.
So what's wrong with being a pleaser? People like a pleaser. Knope gets elected (doesn't she? I didn't watch the show after Season 2).
Outwardly, there's nothing wrong with it. But the problem is that working too hard to keep things status quo at all costs can mask deeper problems. They can keep a person from tuning in from what they're really feeling, or changes they may need to make. For me, they've led to big disruptions that happen when I finally "wake up" to what's really happening, as if from a crazy dream.
Not good.
I don't have the answers. But I think it starts with tuning in. If, like me, you've found yourself in similar patterns in the past and found that it's really, really important that the people around you not be mad at you, you might want to ask yourself why that is.
This part is easier for me to write than to believe: you can't always please the people you want to. They are going to be upset with you at times. Allowing that to happen, and seeing where it leads without trying to "solve" it immediately, might help you down the line.
(Meredith, you should listen to this person, seems like she knows what she's talking about...)
Originally published Jan 07, 2016. Updated March 13, 2017.
All About Mindfulness
Five instructional pages on mindfulness from someone who really seems to understand how it works.
By Alice Arthur, age 7
Mindfulness is fun. It is paying attention to the minute. Be aware of your feelings because if you are mad or sad you could act like hitting or yelling at he or she but if you take it
pictured: the hitting person who isn’t aware of their feelings
slow you will feel better. Just tell he or she or say please stop. A good way to do it is sitting down in a quiet spot and listen to what is around you.
pictured: tears of telling someone to please stop, someone who is laughing
Riddle. Mind full or mindful?
But mindfulness is not just sitting. You could be mindful walking, eating, breathing, reading, or even playing! All you have to do to be mindful is pay attention to the minute.
pictured: girl and dog. girl is being mindful, aware of the moment she is in.
Instructions. Pick from 1.
Find chocolate chips. Put them 1 at a time in your mouth. Let them melt in your mouth before you swallow.
Instructions.
Put glitter in a jar. Shake it up. Pretend your mind is the glitter. When it is crazy your mind is crazy.
Collect them all!
Books by Alice
All About Pets. All About Spatula Fights. All About Birds. All About Dogs and Cats. All About Ninjas. How to Make Friends.
About the Author
Alice Arthur lives with her mom and dad in San Francisco, California. She loves to rock climb, dress up in costumes, and make funny faces.
Everyday Strength and Confidence
Last week, my mom texted to ask if we could talk in the middle of the day at work. This was unusual, and I was immediately worried. I called her from my office's small "meditation" room.
She told me that she had just spoken with my dad's old law firm. They needed to make a change to their name. It was just getting too long. My heart seized up. My dad died in 2013, and had been sick for years before that. I couldn't blame them for removing him from the masthead, could I?
How Love Lives on After Death
Last week, my mom texted to ask if we could talk in the middle of the day at work. This was unusual, and I was immediately worried. I called her from my office's small "meditation" room.
She told me that she had just spoken with my dad's old law firm. They needed to make a change to their name. It was just getting too long. My heart seized up. My dad died in 2013, and had been sick for years before that. I couldn't blame them for removing him from the masthead, could I?
"I thought the same thing, Meredith. I was scared too," said my mom. " But they were calling to tell me they were dropping all of the other names instead. That they would now be called Arthur Law Firm Co LPA. They feel that name best represents what they fight for every day."
I don't know how to express in words what it means to me that in Defiance, Ohio, there is a law firm that my dad started so long ago, and it still bears his name, and it's filled with people standing up for "the little guy" (dad's phrase) in this rough and inhospitable climate.
It gives me an extra daily shot of strength and confidence to think of this firm and the people in it. Thank you for this gift, Arthur Law Firm. And thank you dad throwing some extra confidence my way in 2017. I miss you.
Note that my shirt says "bad pig" on it. This makes me laugh while I'm crying.
Rodney Arthur was a pretty incredible man. Read about what he valued and fought for in his career. Donate to Cure Alz in his name and make me smile from ear to ear.
Mindful Dirt Balls
What you're looking at above is a shiny perfect sphere...of dirt. This is the art of making dirt into extremely fragile, incredibly beautiful sculptures. It is an art of process, not outcome. Can I say that again? It is the making of the spheres, not how long they last or the outcome, that is what we're taking in when we look at the round dorodangos.
Still taken from video by Jenna Close and Jon Held.
Unexpected Transformations and the Art of Hikaru Dorodango
This was once a pile of dirt.
I came across this post on thisiscolossal that blew me away. It describes an entire Japanese art form I've never heard of before. It's called hikaru dorodango (which translates to "shiny dumpling").
What you're looking at above is a shiny perfect sphere...of dirt. Hikaru Dorodango is the art of making dirt into extremely fragile, incredibly beautiful sculptures. It's an art of process, not outcome. Can I say that again?
It's the making of the spheres, not how long they last or the outcome, that is meant to be focused on.
In other words, hikaru dorodango is a mindfulness practice. I find this an inspiring and stunning testament to the act of creation. Check out the dorodangos on the shelf:
Hours of work have gone into these simple globes. Still taken from video by Jenna Close and Jon Held.
Hours of work have gone into these simple globes.
And yet, if someone were to turn on a strong hose, they would all disappear. But in the process of adding fine layer after layer of dirt, something is created, and it's not just the perfect ball. It's a sense of peace, calm, and connection with the earth.
Creativity is part of the core foundation of Beautiful Voyager, just like meeting other people is. The act of creation, and appreciation of creation, is a natural vaccine against stress. Use it when you can. I find just looking at these shapes—these rounded shiny globes made by human hands—very soothing. I hope you do too.
See a very cool video of Bruce Gardner's process of creating dorodangos here.
Originally published March 28, 2016. Updated February 18, 2017.
Watch Out! Your Brain is Listening.
When you make negative statements--even to yourself--your brain is taking notes.
That's why it's important to keep an ear on how you talk to yourself.
Keep the cortisol out of your system. Reform positive neural pathways.
Here's how.
When you say things like,
"This sucks."
"I don't think I can do this."
"If only life were different in this way."
"I hate this."
"Everyone always does this."
"I don't want to do this project/work/school."
"I'm not in the mood."
"I can't."
Your brain is taking notes.
That's why it's important to keep an ear on how you talk to yourself.
Keep the cortisol out of your system. Reform positive neural pathways. Watch your words.
We are only now beginning to understand the impact of language in forming cognition (and emotion). Here's a line from an insightful piece on combatting stereotypes:
"It is the form of the sentence, not exactly what it says, that matters to young children."
When my daughter says, "I don't want to go to school today. I don't like school." or "I can't read this book. I can't do it," I always say to her, "Watch out! Your brain is listening!"
"This isn't so bad.."
"I think I can do this."
"There's no such thing as 'if only.' There's only what is."
"I'm not comfortable with this. Might be a good idea to meditate before I do it."
"Sometimes people do this."
"Let's see what happens today in this project/school/work."
"I'll try."
"I can."
How I Handled Valentine's Day in 2017
Dear Valentine,
It’s been a weird couple of months filled with ups and downs....
Valentine’s Day is about love in every shape, size, and form.
Better than the cheesiness we’ve been sold, isn’t it?
This is what love looks like to me today.
Bearing that in mind, here’s a short love letter where I tell you what’s really happening around these parts.
Dear Valentine,
It’s been a weird couple of months filled with ups and downs.
Up
The most viral Bevoya story to date happened a couple of weeks ago.
remember me?
Down
Professor Lakoff’s initial response to the virality was stressful. I really admire him.
Up
I decided to embark on the first-ever Beautiful Voyager t-shirt sale. When the shirts landed, seeing everyone together was amazing!
Final tally: 68 shirts sold!
Down
Then a crazy thing happened.
Because of it, I was forced to confront my inner customer service avoidant demons.
(Silver lining: the shirts are now on sale again for only 10 more days, so if you want one…now’s the time.)
Up
This is Andrew.
A wonderful first-time writer shared his story of learning about how his mind works after leaving a career in professional baseball.
Is it possible to earmuff the news for a specific period of time? How do you earmuff dinner party conversations?
Up, finally.
You guys.
Getting to write to you — and for you — is an honor and a privilege.
Thank you for being my Valentines.
Those are little Snapchat leaves around my nose btw. Nothing weird happening there.
Love, Meredith
p.s. Would love to see your favorite “animals snuggling” shots as responses to this post if you have the energy for it! It would be the best Valentines thread...
How I’m Learning to Avoid the Second Arrow
Have you ever heard the Buddhist parable of the second arrow? We refer to it a lot in our house. The lesson is: If you’re hit by an arrow (or something bad happens), don’t multiply the pain with negative rumination and blame (and hit yourself with a second arrow).
“You’re scared.”
Have you ever heard the Buddhist parable of the second arrow? We refer to it a lot in our house. The lesson is: If you’re hit by an arrow (or something bad happens), don’t multiply the pain with negative rumination and blame (and hit yourself with a second arrow).
My Second Arrows Have Themes
This past year has seen a sharp increase in the number of first arrows for those of us who keep an eye on national U.S. politics.
(cough cough, understatement)
As first arrows hit, I found myself secretly stockpiling second arrows. If something bothered me, but I couldn’t quite name it, I started poking myself with these arrows, aloud or internally.
(whispering) “I don’t agree with this UX concept but I can’t put my finger on why. It smacks of something crucial and intuitive, something men have been suppressing in women for a long, long time.”
This absurdly misplaced second arrow behavior got to the point where, if I was tired or emotional, you could rest assured the word “patriarchy” would appear like clockwork.
The same thing, over and over and over and over.
What the Arrows Teach
Our tendency is to get lost in a cycle of reactivity. — Tara Brach
I don’t want to be in a groundhog day loop, so I use my second arrow awareness to teach me to avoid it. The first arrow already hurts when it hits. Adding more headaches, stomachaches, and neck pain into the mix isn’t helping anyone.
My goal is to accept the first arrow, avoid the second, and to take action to help others (a selfish act, causing helping others helps me) as I can.
3 Questions to Help You Find Your Secret Second Arrow Stock
- Do you find yourself repeating similar global complaints when you get frustrated?
- Have you been told by others that you “always” talk about certain topics that seem to haunt you?
- Do you ever feel like Bill Murray and Saint Sebastian at the same time?
Love, Meredith
Why You Need Another Dang Tee
Remember the 80's and 90's? When you’d go see a concert and buy the shirts? When it was one of the few ways to get a band shirt that didn’t look totally fake?
When you saw someone else with the same shirt, you felt an immediate sense of belonging, unity, and a wash of whatever the music made you feel.
That’s what this shirt will do. But only until January 17th...
Ten Reasons to wear a ship on your chest.
10. Revive the feelings of awesome band shirts.
Remember the 80's and 90's? When you’d go see a concert and buy the shirts? When it was one of the few ways to get a band shirt that didn’t look totally fake?
When you saw someone else with the same shirt, you felt an immediate sense of belonging, unity, and a wash of whatever the music made you feel.
That’s what this shirt will do.
9. You’re sick of how mental health is currently covered by the media.
When you wear this shirt, you’ll incite curiosity, not avoidance. Perhaps people around you will Google “Beautiful Voyager” and see:
8. This sign is hanging outside of a place that intrigues you, but you realize you’re only wearing shoes.
Man, you really need a shirt. That place looks COOL.
7. You appear on the Beautiful Voyager Lighthouse Map of Overthinkers, and you want to represent IRL.
There are hundreds of you, by the way. All over the world. How cool would it be to run into each other in person…or just see each other across the airport?
6. You’re at that certain point in your t-shirt collection life cycle.
You’re sick of everything in your drawer, face it.
5. You’re reading this in a place that cares about writing, which means you care about writing. Teaching young girls to write sounds like an amazing nonprofit to support.
That’s what the t-shirt proceeds go to: Girls Write Now.
4. You believe that awakening our country’s self-awareness around stress, anxiety, and pain is more important now than ever.
3. You also believe that it needs to be done in the right, non-heavy handed way.
2. You want to send out a ray of positivity and good vibes in the start of 2017.
Every time you wear the shirt, you will be sending out good feelings, both to yourself and others.
1. You have a vivid imagination, and will spin incredible tales about the adventures you took aboard the ole Beautiful Voyager.
Cotton Bureau is where you can get the first-ever, limited edition Beautiful Voyager shirt. But it’s only until January 17! After that, it’s over!
Buy the shirt.
For all the reasons I described above, or another amazing one you’ll create yourself.
Cause if you’re a Beautiful Voyager you have creativity just waiting to burst out of you.