How I Handled Valentine's Day in 2017

Valentine’s Day is about love in every shape, size, and form.

Better than the cheesiness we’ve been sold, isn’t it?

This is what love looks like to me today.

Bearing that in mind, here’s a short love letter where I tell you what’s really happening around these parts.

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Dear Valentine,

It’s been a weird couple of months filled with ups and downs.

Up

The most viral Bevoya story to date happened a couple of weeks ago.

remember me?

Down

Professor Lakoff’s initial response to the virality was stressful. I really admire him.

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Up

I decided to embark on the first-ever Beautiful Voyager t-shirt sale. When the shirts landed, seeing everyone together was amazing!

Final tally: 68 shirts sold!

Down

Then a crazy thing happened.

Because of it, I was forced to confront my inner customer service avoidant demons.

(Silver lining: the shirts are now on sale again for only 10 more days, so if you want one…now’s the time.)

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Up

This is Andrew.

A wonderful first-time writer shared his story of learning about how his mind works after leaving a career in professional baseball.

Is it possible to earmuff the news for a specific period of time? How do you earmuff dinner party conversations?

Up, finally.

You guys.

Getting to write to you — and for you — is an honor and a privilege.

Thank you for being my Valentines.

Those are little Snapchat leaves around my nose btw. Nothing weird happening there.

Love, Meredith

p.s. Would love to see your favorite “animals snuggling” shots as responses to this post if you have the energy for it! It would be the best Valentines thread...

ever.

How I’m Learning to Avoid the Second Arrow

“You’re scared.”

Have you ever heard the Buddhist parable of the second arrow? We refer to it a lot in our house. The lesson is: If you’re hit by an arrow (or something bad happens), don’t multiply the pain with negative rumination and blame (and hit yourself with a second arrow).

My Second Arrows Have Themes

This past year has seen a sharp increase in the number of first arrows for those of us who keep an eye on national U.S. politics.

(cough cough, understatement)

As first arrows hit, I found myself secretly stockpiling second arrows. If something bothered me, but I couldn’t quite name it, I started poking myself with these arrows, aloud or internally.

(whispering) “I don’t agree with this UX concept but I can’t put my finger on why. It smacks of something crucial and intuitive, something men have been suppressing in women for a long, long time.”

This absurdly misplaced second arrow behavior got to the point where, if I was tired or emotional, you could rest assured the word “patriarchy” would appear like clockwork.

The same thing, over and over and over and over.

What the Arrows Teach

Our tendency is to get lost in a cycle of reactivity. — Tara Brach

I don’t want to be in a groundhog day loop, so I use my second arrow awareness to teach me to avoid it. The first arrow already hurts when it hits. Adding more headaches, stomachaches, and neck pain into the mix isn’t helping anyone.

My goal is to accept the first arrow, avoid the second, and to take action to help others (a selfish act, causing helping others helps me) as I can.

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3 Questions to Help You Find Your Secret Second Arrow Stock

1. Do you find yourself repeating similar global complaints when you get frustrated?
2. Have you been told by others that you “always” talk about certain topics that seem to haunt you?
3. Do you ever feel like Bill Murray and Saint Sebastian at the same time?

Love, Meredith

Why You Need Another Dang Tee

Ten Reasons to wear a ship on your chest.

10. Revive the feelings of awesome band shirts.

Remember the 80's and 90's? When you’d go see a concert and buy the shirts? When it was one of the few ways to get a band shirt that didn’t look totally fake?

When you saw someone else with the same shirt, you felt an immediate sense of belonging, unity, and a wash of whatever the music made you feel.

That’s what this shirt will do.

9. You’re sick of how mental health is currently covered by the media.

When you wear this shirt, you’ll incite curiosity, not avoidance. Perhaps people around you will Google “Beautiful Voyager” and see:

8. This sign is hanging outside of a place that intrigues you, but you realize you’re only wearing shoes.

Man, you really need a shirt. That place looks COOL.

7. You appear on the Beautiful Voyager Lighthouse Map of Overthinkers, and you want to represent IRL.

There are hundreds of you, by the way. All over the world. How cool would it be to run into each other in person…or just see each other across the airport?

6. You’re at that certain point in your t-shirt collection life cycle.

You’re sick of everything in your drawer, face it.

5. You’re reading this in a place that cares about writing, which means you care about writing. Teaching young girls to write sounds like an amazing nonprofit to support.

That’s what the t-shirt proceeds go to: Girls Write Now.

4. You believe that awakening our country’s self-awareness around stress, anxiety, and pain is more important now than ever.

3. You also believe that it needs to be done in the right, non-heavy handed way.

2. You want to send out a ray of positivity and good vibes in the start of 2017.

Every time you wear the shirt, you will be sending out good feelings, both to yourself and others.

1. You have a vivid imagination, and will spin incredible tales about the adventures you took aboard the ole Beautiful Voyager.

Cotton Bureau is where you can get the first-ever, limited edition Beautiful Voyager shirt. But it’s only until January 17! After that, it’s over!

Buy the shirt.

For all the reasons I described above, or another amazing one you’ll create yourself.

Cause if you’re a Beautiful Voyager you have creativity just waiting to burst out of you.

A Clear Case of Anxiety in Motion

How the desire to cross something off the list can lead to bad work

Note: I sent this out as an email the day after my last newsletter, “What’s Up With the Unconscious Mind?”

I was in the middle of finishing up my newsletter for the social network of overthinkers, bevoya.com. Alone and taking care of my 6-year-old daughter, a work issue suddenly popped up. Though I was distracted and I hadn’t completely finished my process of nailing down what I wanted to say in the newsletter, I hit send. I wanted the dopamine hit. I wanted to move on.

People don’t usually unsubscribe from the bevoya newsletter. But after rushing and sending this one out, 2 people unsubscribed pretty quickly. I was upset and disturbed. Not because people had decided what I was creating wasn’t for them. I was upset because I hadn’t given myself the spaceto finish my work and send it when it was ready to go. My anxiety to finish and feel done had pushed me to hit send before I was really ready to. I needed more space.

How does the space work?

I keep pondering this idea of space. The best way I can describe it is: the space to create. Focused relaxation.

If I were to do it over, I would have forced myself to wait to send that newsletter. I would have rewritten it when I had time. I would have achieved the completion of my thought and felt my conclusion click, nailing the ending (a very different feeling than the dopamine-send hit).

Make space for yourselves, friends. That’s the takeaway here. You don’t need to rush everything. Especially the things you are doing to help yourself feel better.

Love, Meredith

p.s. In case you’re curious, you can read the original version of the newsletter and the version I ended up posting here on Medium, after I gave myself some space to connect the pieces of thinking.

My First Attempt at Live Streaming Video on Facebook

If you want to see my initial stumbles, watch the whole thing. If you just want to cut to the chase, skip the first 2:41. I left all of that in because I want others who wrestle technology not to feel alone. The whole learning curve is so huge that I try to share these struggles...but I don't want it to make for terribly boring video, either. :)

The topic of the video is "What is strange? What is normal? How can you tell if you're strange?"

3 Great Exercises for Mindful Movement

I think of Luis Rivera MS as my "anatomy guy." What the hell does that mean? It means that in the Beautiful Voyager Slack room, when there's a question about physiology, he is the one I turn to. He's got a Master of Science in Exercise and Rehabilitation Science and a whole lot more.

Luis also has a newsletter where he shares thoughts from his own coaching perspectives as well as basic mindfulness exercises like these. I asked Luis if he would mind if I shared these exercises with you, and he said,

"I hope folks find them beneficial as many are beginning to find the benefits of mindful movement."

That was very Luis of him.

Standing Praise Release

1. Stand nice and tall (If you can only sit, then sit nice and tall so your spine is as aligned as possible).

2. Slowly lift your hands in front of you as if they had balloons on the ends of the wrist (using as little force as possible).

3. Keep lifting your hands until they are directly vertical.
4. Once they are above your head turn your palms up.
5. Breathe deeply into your belly.
6. Repeat the breath 3-9 times.
7. Drop your hands by turning your palms to their original neutral position.
8. Float the hands back down slowly.
9. End your session.

"I use this every day. It is part of many qigong forms in many arts across the world, so I hope you benefit from it greatly." 

Hip Release

1. Stand with both feet about shoulder width apart.
2. Put both hands around the top of your hip bones. It's much higher on guys than women.
3. When you find the top of your hips relax your hands into your side.
4. Take a breathe and nice and let your shoulders relax.
5. Once you feel relaxed in that position, turn to the left without turning your legs. Use only the waist. Don't use your knees.
6. Breathe in and out as you face the left. As you take the next breath out, come back to the center standing neutral.
7. Do the same thing to the other side. Turn to the right side and breathe deeply, allowing the breath to come to the bottom areas of your lungs. On the last out breath turn back to your center.
8. Note: most folks find it easier to turn when they are breathing out, but try both to feel your muscles balance out the tension in your back.
9. If at anytime you feel dizzy with any movement please stop the exercise immediately.

Breathing exercise

1. Close your eyes.
2. Touch the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth.
3. Breathe in through your nose.
4. Fill your lungs. Let the air out your mouth.
5. Feel the air swirl as you repeat the process.
6. There is no force.
7. Just let the breathing settle into you.
8. Continue for 5 minutes.

"I want this exercise to remind people that their lives matter for more than just work and to survive."

What’s Up With the Unconscious Mind?

It’s always listening.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — C.G. Jung

A couple of days ago I got into an interesting conversation with a favorite coworker in our little office kitchenette.

(As a child of the 80s, I have a strange nostalgia for office coffee machine and water cooler chats).

We were discussing the subconscious mind and how weird it is. How and why does it know things we (consciously) don’t?

He described a talk he once gave to a big group. Since he’s never had trouble with public speaking, he arrived ready to go. But his body was sending signals that something was wrong. Sweats, hot flashes, a nauseated stomach. What was going on?

Best clips from the movie Airplane

His unconscious mind knew something he didn’t about his confidence that day.

We both agreed that it’s incredibly strange our unconscious thoughts are able to exert this kind of influence on our bodies. (Remember, the seed of this project was my realization that thinking was affecting my body in extreme ways.)

The More You Know

Learning the cause of my pain was internal changed my thinking about the world around me. It made me want to understand as much as I can about the mind’s potential and use it to my (and others’) advantage.

Two people on the Slack channel were discussing British therapist and motivational speaker named Marisa Peer. (I know that the words “motivational speaker” will cause an immediate negative reaction — conscious and unconscious — in some of you, and I’m sorry for that friends, haha.)

Peer describes some of the same basic tenants that this Mayo Clinic video, “A Very Happy Brain,” does:

It all boils down to one simple fact: Our brains believe what we tell them to believe. Unlock beliefs that are causing you pain (Peer gives a bunch of examples of these types of beliefs, from as simple as “Mondays suck” to as profound as “I am not enough,”) and teach your brain to think differently.

Knowledge in Action

Back to my coworker. He didn’t believe he was nervous. What could he have done to change his unconscious mind?

1. Investigate the source of the fear (it can be deep). You know when you find it cause it’s the idea that buzzes more than the others in that quasi-painful way.

2. Stay with the fear through meditation or simply conscious awareness.

3. Create a sentence to unearth it and redirect it in more positive way. The example Peer gives is, “I am enough.”

4. Then see if the sweats/stomach pain/headaches are still around the way they were before.

Let me know if it worked!

Love, Meredith

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This post first appeared in the Beautiful Voyager newsletter. Subscribe here.

Will Ferrell May Have Hacked the Rat Maze

I've written about the concept of flow in this newsletter before, but as time passes, I'm realizing that flow is a lot like Anchorman:

“I’m in a glass case of emotion!” — Ron Burgundy

Kind of a big deal.

Here's why. Flow is the north star that helps us through struggle.

Example: A fellow BV is facing a hard time. His relationship is at a breaking point and the startup he's heading is pushing him to his limits. He asked, "What can I do? I feel like I've tried everything possible. I'm confused and hurt."  

It wasn't easy for me to figure out what to say. I don't have all of the answers (far from it). But after sitting quietly for a few long minutes I realized I had learned something useful in my voyaging to date: In the middle of a storm, what you can do is seek out flow.

He asked, "Is this like Csíkszentmihályi's book, Flow?"

Yes. Kind of. I bet that flow means something different to everyone. To me, it simply means thinking and acting without struggle. 

Three Small Flow-Finding Tips:

• Do morning pages.
• If you're struggling at work, take note of what comes easily to you. Do more of that thing.
• If you find yourself saying "what if" or "if only," realize that they are flow killers. Don't chastise yourself for saying them, just put them to the side and return to the seeking of flow.

Flow on friends,

Meredith

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This post first appeared in the Beautiful Voyager newsletter. Subscribe here.