How to Talk to a Friend About Depression

People are very picky about places.

Start with humor.

We’ve all been in situations when we don’t want to tell about our feelings when our friends ask about it. It is not a great feeling to say “I’m good” when you’re not. That is especially the case for people who suffer from depression who can never tell you what’s wrong. It’s why, if you assume that your friend is in the dark place, you have to know how to appeal to them. And this is how to make them “walk” towards the sound of your voice, instead of ignoring it like everyone else’s.

Right Place, Right Time 

You can’t start a conversation with a friend about their depression right at the mall, bus stop or some birthday party. It would be the same as making a marriage proposal in the public bathroom with a ring made of gum that you’ve picked up from the floor. Even if your significant other loves you with all heart and wants to marry you, a big part of that person will not want to accept your proposal if you do it this way because of inappropriate atmosphere of that place. People are very picky about places. And when the topic of conversation is dedicated to their deep, personal feelings – the depressed ones take the cake. Waiting out for a perfect moment is not an option (for obvious reasons). That’s why you should properly initiate and create this moment yourself, if circumstances are against you. 

The Wrong Way to Approach a Depressive Friend
1. Hey, you look sad
2. Let’s go out somewhere 
3. I want to talk 

Your Friend Will Think
1. I look sad because I am sad, you Sherlock 
2. I don’t want to go anywhere
3. I don’t want to talk

This method is ineffective because of its lack of originality. For instance, most people would choose a wooden transformer instead of one of the zillion copies of green toy soldiers. Especially when they got used to receiving these toys almost every day and they don’t want to play with them. So, it is good idea to present something unusual.

The Right Way to Approach a Depressive Friend with Humor
1. You look sad. I don’t love you when you’re sad 
2. Yeah, I’m not in the great mood as well 
3. Let’s get some ice-cream or whatever you enjoyed eating in the past the most. 
4. I need someone to talk to, Billly! Please, help me out.

Your Friend Will Think
1. He doesn’t love me when I’m sad? That sounded weird. Does he wanted to tell that he loves me only when I’m happy? What the hell? 
2. Oh, you think you’re the one who’s in the bad mood! But I guess now we have a common topic to talk about...
3. I don’t like ice-cream… but I could go for some tacos.
4. Wow, he’s not having discomfort in asking for help. I’d say he’s even desperate to a certain degree. He’s my friend. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to go out, afterall. I might want to tell him something that’s bothering me if he asks.

IMPORTANT: Before we go any further, note that the following tips are useful only if your friend is not up to something important, like planned meeting, a test or an interview. If your friend is always available for a private conversation, scroll to the final paragraph of the article.

How to Use Humor With a Depressive Friend
One of the greatest ways of making it difficult for person to refuse your any proposal is to apply a good sense of humor. Humor is a tremendous tool for taking any person into a talking zone. And even if your friend experiences a high level of sadness and has no desire to laugh, you can still force him to smile sincerely within a minute if not couple of seconds. A good way of starting doing that (if there are no humorous inspirations around) is to go to the inside jokes. This method of making someone smile will be a reminded of that you are one of the very few people who can identify with that person in this peculiar way. That is why you will be appreciated and will be more likely to receive a positive reaction. 

2 Easy Ways to Make Someone Laugh
1. Play Tommy Wiseau’s “You are tearing me apart” scene from “The Room”. It’s okay to refer to your friend as Lisa. If your lines didn’t work, say “take 2… action!” slap your hands and play the scene again. 
2. Threaten to bite if you don’t go out for ice-cream together. It is important to stay this phrase dead serious in order to make it sound and look hilarious.

Many people will disagree with this method at first. They will state that it is overly aggressive and provocative. Because it is. When we talk about friendship, we have to understand that the real friends sometimes have to be rude to each other. It’s like with the people who suffer from an alcohol addiction and don’t see the problem. They need someone who can cynically tell them what’s wrong. Otherwise, that person won’t see how it effects you and your friendship. 

Another good point in support of this move is the fact that people love drama. And depressive people are the most passionate about it. That is why if you give them this bit of dramatic nourishment, they might want to give you what you want in return. The following examples will help you to get the idea how to do it properly.

Right way: “Go fuck yourself! You are the only friend I want to talk about my problems. I’m trying my best to make you laugh so that you could get in the nice mood and agree to go out for some free, delicious ice-cream and all I hear is “no”. If you don’t want to help out your friend simply by listening and eating, then you’re fucking asshole!” 

Your anger can actually make your friend chuckle or even burst into laughter. Of course, If that person cares about your friendship, there’s also a possibility that he will feel guilty at the same time. That way, chances of him agreeing to go out will increase.

If you played the victim perfectly, and your friend still refuses to go, you have to deliver the following message:

“Look, you are my friend and I care about you. I don’t want to fight with you over my problems. I’ll try to handle it myself. I’ll be in touch”

Remember, that it is important to walk away with making sure that your statement was interpreted correctly. 

The Proper Way of Asking 
Before even starting a conversation with your friend, think of yourself as a professional interviewer. Generally speaking there are two types of interviewers: straightforward knuckleheads and patient, mental picklocking specialists. The first group of journalists almost never succeeds in getting full information from the person they interview. They might get an expressive reaction followed by strong desire to end the conversation. But that is not what we want from our friend who is having some issues. What we want is to use tactics of a legit interviewer. The one who will apply a surgical attitude and extreme carefulness in ability to unnoticeably pull the necessary thoughts out from the head of his guest. Sounds like some manipulation? Because it is! But lord knows that you are using this mental scalpel for good. So in order for this surgery to go on well – take your time. 

Don’t
1. Start by assuming your friend suffers from depression 
2. Then say, “I’m starting to worry about you “
3. “What’s wrong?” 

As it was mentioned earlier, depressed people like to overdramatize. Thus, if you go to the “wrong way” strategy, they will likely think..”So he was lying to me. It was a white lie, but still… you all people lie!” or “It will take forever for me to explain what’s wrong.” “He won’t understand my problems” or “Do I go for “I’m good” option this time?”

Most people are not open about their feelings when they’re having problems. That is why it is better to use another option, that involves you taking your time.

Instead…
1. If I was a typical parent who suspected that his son smokes, I’d say something like this:
“Brian, for the third time in this week I sense the smell of cigars on your clothes. I’ve just seen a round burn on your wrist. I believe you have something to say to me”
2. But I am your friend. And I suspect that you’re having a tough times. And that is why I have a bit different speech:
“Brian, for the third time in this week I notice that you look unhappy. I don’t want to bother you, but I also want to know what’s going on. I know it can be difficult to open up about it. But since I am your friend, let me look through the peephole with this simple question. What is one of the things that bothers you the least lately? 

You have to go from general questions to more detailed and personal. It should be the same as putting someone in a warm bath, instead of throwing person into the hot one. All you have to do is gradually increase the temperature to the one that your “bathing subject” will be okay with. So be conscious, and you won’t boil your friend. 

This whole strategy will make your friend appreciate that you didn’t make the situation awkward by being straightforward like most people if not everyone. But even if he won’t notice it, it will create a comfort. That will lead to good chances to tell you what is the problem.

P. S. There’s also a good chance that you are the one who suffers from depression and feels uncomfortable to start to talk about it. If that’s the case, you can always send this article to someone whose support you’d like to have and ask that person to scroll it down till the end.

About the author
Zack Hargrove is a freelance editor and writer. Most of his topics are dedicated to music, education and ways of strengthening your scientific curiosity. He notes, “I originally wrote this for a college class, but my professor refused to accept my paper because there is cursing in the piece. I wanted to share it as a guide because these are the tips that still help me to find out a lot about people I care about.”

My Unhealthy Mental Habits and How I Changed Them

The author with his very nice, well-intentioned parents.

Living on your own for the first time is a difficult transition for anybody. Your parents, God bless them, try to prepare you as well as they can for the real world. My parents did a great job. They taught me how to be studious. They taught me the importance of healthy eating and budgeting. They taught me honesty. But one thing they never had the opportunity to show me was how to properly handle my own emotions. How to handle anger, sadness, and frustration was an enigma to me. I’ve used music and songwriting throughout the majority of my life to help but that can only go so far. You can’t leave in the middle of a disagreement to go write a song about how pissed off you are at the other person!

The author in the studio. “Songwriting helps,” he says, “but it can only go so far.”

“I didn’t fully connect with this book,” says the author, “but it did ignite my curiosity.”

The best, and worst, part of living on your own is it helps show you what habits you have in your life. Whether they be good habits, like waking up early to go to the gym or making study time every evening, or bad habits, like finishing a 12-pack alone when you’re feeling overwhelmed  or using negative internal dialogue in your everyday life. Habits can make or break a person, make or break a career, and make or break someone’s dreams and aspirations. This past year I have been studying the power of habits and the one consistency I’ve noticed is nearly every major success story surrounding an individual was built off of a strong foundation of healthy habits! 

The best lesson I’ve learned through my journey of bettering my habits is that it only takes one small step to start. The first step I took was picking up a self-improvement book about Ayurveda. Although that first book didn’t connect with me as well as it could have, it ignited my curiosity. What other self-improvement books are out there? What other unhealthy aspects of my life have I been ignoring? 

The author with his friend and mentor, D Grant Smith (on the right).

This curiosity into bettering myself only grew when I began working with my now friend and mentor, D Grant Smith. On a whim, I decided to take a session with D who works as a life coach for personal development. One conversation later and I knew I had some work to do. After our first talk, D instructed me to begin a new daily ritual: affirmations. Immediately upon waking up and right before bed, I was supposed to read my list of ‘affirmations’. Honestly, the first time he pitched this idea to me, I disregarded it mentally. “Isn’t that what losers do? Tell themselves they are awesome and great? Why would I need to tell myself that? Shouldn’t I just know it?” I know. That’s some pretty ass-backwards logic.

But after thinking about it, what did I know? Here I was, 23 years old, I hated myself and I hated the choices I made on a daily basis. Why not try something new, even if I did think it was crazy mumbo jumbo? So once again, I took a first step into a new habit.  

Picking up the habit of daily affirmations was a bit rocky at first. I really only did it once a day every now and again. But I kept at it. Thankfully I had the support of those around me to stick to these new habits. Even though it took a few weeks, I eventually was saying my affirmations once or twice a day probably five days a week. It had reached the point to where I was now thinking of these affirmations during my normal workday. And I wasn’t just saying these affirmations, but I was believing them too. I was living them. I am confident. I am passionate. I am great! 

And all of this began because I took one small step. I picked up a book two years ago. Then I took another small step, I had a consultation with a life coach. Then step-by-step I started my journey to becoming a better person. Now, I write my affirmations every morning and evening in my journal where I also write my goals for each day, and my gratitude list. This is just a small part of the habits I’ve been able to use to improve my life but it all started with just. One. Step.

Texas born singer-songwriter Jon Pattie’s passion for songwriting was clear from an early age. “Pattie’s soul-shattering vocals have the power to provoke a profound response,” says fans.

Pattie is currently preparing a four-part EP project that will take his artistic development to the next level. Each album will recount a new portion of Pattie’s journey about his search for who he is and the man he wants to be. The first album, Reflections Volume 1, released on November 7th, 2018.

 Follow Jon Pattie:  Facebook I Twitter I Instagram I YouTube I Spotify

I Spent My Life Worrying about Being Liked

“Having a kid provides daily reminders of the limits to my likability.”

Until I learned that you don't have to like me.

A couple of years ago, someone I used to be friends with made it clear in a public way that he strongly disliked me. Truthfully, I didn't like him very much either, but I also didn't feel the need to share it explicitly. Because I didn't care to engage with him in what I perceived as a pretty inappropriate forum, I ignored his comments and that was pretty much the end of it.

While it was embarrassing to be the subject of someone's social media diatribe, I was surprised to find that I didn't especially mind that he had so much distaste for me. In fact, I kind of welcomed it. After all, it made sense that someone I wasn't a fan of wasn't a fan of me, and his loudness about it kind of broke the seal on the whole thing.

I have spent most of my life worrying about being liked. From mean girls on the elementary school playground, to cliques I felt rejected from in high school, to every guy who didn't want to date me, every job I didn't get, and every stranger who called me fat or ugly on the internet, I have taken it all as concrete proof that there was something wrong with me. But being lambasted by someone whose opinion didn't matter to me at all helped to highlight just how meaningless it is to be disliked by anyone other than the people I really care about. And once I wrapped my head around the fact that it was okay to not be liked by someone I myself didn't like, I started to think about how it's also okay to not be liked by a lot of other people too. I'm a complicated person with plenty of traits and habits that might not appeal to everyone. I don't like everyone -- why should everyone like me?

Having a kid provides daily reminders of the limits to my likability. My adorable eight-month-old attracts a lot of attention when we're out together, but strangers who try to touch her without asking (or honestly, even those who do ask first--why are you trying to touch a baby you don't know?) are met by a growling, protective mama bear I didn't know I had living inside of me. And those who offer unsolicited advice on how I should dress, carry, feed, or otherwise care for my baby are not responded to warmly.

Sometimes my daughter cries in restaurants or on airplanes, and, while I always do my best to be a good member of society and calm her down or take her outside, sometimes it's not possible and those around me have to deal with the screams of an upset baby. The codependent like-junkie side of me wishes I could find some way to simultaneously prioritize my baby's needs and keep myself in the good graces of strangers, but generally, that is impossible, and her needs come first, so everyone else can eff off. And speaking of whom, my darling daughter is regularly displeased with me. Depending on her mood, my attempts to change her, remove her from the bathtub, or pry her tiny fist off of my foolishly chosen dangly earring might be met with shrieks of protest. But it doesn't matter because I am her mother and it is my job.

Getting comfortable with not always being liked is an ongoing practice, and not easy. From the time we are very young, society teaches women that being liked should be a major priority. Likewise, social media encourages us to derive real meaning from likes, retweets, and public compliments. It's hard to break the habit of constantly seeking approval, but I invite you to join me in trying. Because once you stop listening to the static of your anxiety about the opinions of other people, it becomes much easier to hear what's actually going on inside of you.

---

Gabi Moskowitz is the editor-in-chief of the nationally-acclaimed budget cooking blog BrokeAss Gourmet, author of The BrokeAss Gourmet Cookbook, Pizza Dough: 100 Delicious, Unexpected Recipes, Hot Mess Kitchen, and Young & Hungry.

Gabi is the co-producer of Young & Hungry, a Freeform comedy, now in its fifth season, inspired by her life and writing. She also starred in a web series in conjunction with the show, called Young & Foodie.

When she is not blogging, writing books, or making television, Gabi contributes regularly to The Washington Post, The Guardian, and Lenny Letter. She lives in San Francisco with her husband and daughter.

Why Do I Have Morning Anxiety?

The two words that helped me answer that question.

The words you speak become the house you live in.“ — Hafiz

My anxiety peaks in the morning when I wake up with nervous energy and the desire to clean the house. It’s worse some days than others. No amount of anxiety knowledge (or cortisol tests) has given me the peace I seek, nor allowed me to answer the question that haunts me: Why?

Why am I anxious in the morning? Why is it worse today? Why can't I figure it out?

A few weeks ago the morning agitation felt worse than usual. While manically scrubbing a counter, I said to my husband, “I just don’t know why I feel this way. Everything is going well. I am happy at work. I am happy at home. Is this hormonal? What is this?”

In his inimitable Buddha-like way, he just said, “You ask that question a lot, but in seeking an answer, you’re just causing more more anxiety. It’s chemical. It’s just how you are.”

Getting under the waves.

It’s chemical.

I felt a sense of calm flood my body when I repeated those two words aloud. It stopped me from spinning and gave me a clear path to acceptance.

If Hafiz is right, and words are the house I live in, I want my house to feel like I did the moment I said, “It’s chemical.” I know I’ll be coming back to those two words again and again.

What about you? Do you have a simple phrase that helps you when you’re stuck in the spin? Email me. Let’s share what works with each other.

Try Basic Visualization

We’re in the thick of it, friends. December 9. Thanksgiving is over, the holidays are in full swing, with nearly a month to go.

How does the bustle of the season affect you? If you’re like me, your sympathetic nervous system – aka “fight or flight"– is trying to take center stage, overwhelming your friendly lil "rest and digest” parasympathetic nervous system.

Not all nervous systems work this way, but mine definitely does.

This may sound odd, but one of the things I’m committed to this holiday season is trying to rebalance the relationship of my nervous system. I’d like it to look a little more like:

I’ve been playing with this new visualization technique to try to strengthen my parasympathetic nervous system. See if it works for you!

Imagine a lovely scene

Start with a photo, painting, movie still, or invent your own place.

In this basic visualization, focus on your five senses, allowing your parasympathetic to take center stage, slowing down the big dog.

What does your place look like? Describe your place in words. For example, “It’s lush and green. There are small, feathery, green mosses on the rocks. The pagoda is both red and orange at the same time.”

What does your place sound like? “You can hear the sound of the rushing waterfall. There is the rustling of rice paper, as if someone is writing on it.”

What does your place smell like? “It smells like it’s just rained, damp and fresh. Like overturned soil. And is that burning incense?”

What does your place taste like? Get creative with it. “I taste drops of water from the waterfall. I taste the mango mochi I just snacked on.”

What do you feel in your place? “The air is cool on my skin. I feel the light brush of the branches as I push past them. I feel the dirt and rocks crunching under my feet.”

How did it go?

Visualization is all about transporting your mind into a new space. There is no right or wrong way to visualize. If you’ve transported yourself mentally, you’ve succeeded.

If you end up giving this technique a try, I’d love to hear about it. You can even tag @bevoya on Instagram and I will share your visualization inspiration with others!

Vaincre L’anxiété Au Quotidien

L' Atomium de Bruxelles, créé par l'architecte André Waterkeyn à l'occasion de l'Exposition universelle de Bruxelles de 1958.

Je ne sais pas vous, mais je me pose beaucoup de questions. Elles peuvent parfois être pratiques, et avoir un sens réel pour ce que je fais comme par exemple, en anglais les gens qui écrivent des articles comme celui-ci utilisent souvent le pronom « you ». Mais en français, il y a deux possibilités, le « tu », forme informelle qui permet d’être plus proche de son lecteur, ou le « vous », qui est inclusif et s’adresse à un groupe ou garde une certaine distance de respect. J’ai décidé de m’adresser à tout le monde sans viser personne, c’est moins intimidant et si jamais quelqu’un d’important devais me lire, je ne commets pas d’impaire sur le plural majestatis.

Comme vous le voyez, j’ai pu résoudre ce problème de manière logique en le rationalisant. J’ai mis de côté mon angoisse de la page vide, et pesé le pour et le contre pour un choix qui pendant quelques instants m’a paru très compliqué. Une fois la logique trouvée, il ne l’était plus tellement, non?

Cet exemple était très simple, mais si comme moi la moindre petite chose vous fait tourner les méninges à plein régime, « overthinking » comme on dit sur ce site, ce n’est pas toujours facile.

Chacun a ses propres raisons d’être anxieux/anxieuses. Pour ma part, cela varie entre ce que les gens vont penser de moi, à des choses plus personnelles liés à ma bipolarité, périodes de stress ou autres.

Bien avant mon diagnostique de bipolarité, j’étais déjà un angoissé, un stressé de la vie comme j’entends parfois. Comme je l’ai écris sur Medium (en anglais), j’avais l’impression d’être une imposture, et de ne pas mériter ce que j’avais comme points à l’école, ou ce qu’on m’attribuait comme qualités.

Auto-dévaluation permanente. J’ai essayé différentes méthodes de fuite pour échapper à cela, comme les addictions, les conquêtes amoureuses, etc. Évidemment tout cela n’a rien donné de bon, même si j’ai fait de chouettes rencontres parfois, mais cela n’avait rien à voir avec mes travers pour échapper… à moi-même.

On peut aussi être angoissé par les autres tout court, pas leur jugement sur nous, mais ce qu’ils sont, ce qu’ils font. Et là je crois en fait que se cache le même problème, la connaissance. Celle de soi, celle des autres. Céline Dion chante dans une de ses chansons « On met juste les costumes d'autres sur soi ».

Parfois il arrive dans la vie qu’on s’éloigne de sa propre nature, à cause de coups durs, ou de fierté mal placée. Trop fier pour admettre que je ne savais pas tout, et j’avais peur d’être ridiculisé si cela se savait.

Une étape importante vers le rétablissement fût le diagnostique de ma maladie, parce que certains stress et comportements étaient en lien avec elle. Cela a rationalisé les choses, et mis un nom sur la source de mes tracas. Sachant ce à quoi j’avais à faire, j’ai pu y faire face plus facilement, bien que cela restait… périlleux.

Une deuxième étape clé a été la résilience dont j’ai fait preuve face à cette annonce et l’acceptation d’un traitement, qu’il a fallu faire évoluer au fil du temps parce qu’il n’était pas toujours adapté, mais c’était surtout le principe d’avoir besoins d’une aide qu’il fallait que j’intègre, que ce soit médicamenteuse ou psychologique.

Puis j’ai ressenti le besoin d’extérioriser ce que je ressentais, mes peurs. Je les ai d’abord confiés à un journal intime. Il y a des applications très bien pour faire cela, si vous n’aimez pas écrite à la main (j’utilise Day One), et sinon un simple cahier, voir même décoré, fait très bien l’affaire.

Se confier à un journal fait beaucoup de bien, mais j’avais besoin de passer à l’étape d’après, avoir un retour et rendre mon expérience utile, à moi et peut-être à quelqu’un d’autre. Là des parties de mon récit ont pris de chemins différents en fonction de mon ressenti et du but que je voulais leur donner. J’en ai parlé à des proches, de la famille ou des amis, et pour le reste depuis peu je me confie sur Medium et un blog. Ne vous sentez pas obligé(e)s de faire pareil, c’est en fonction des besoin de chacun(e).

J’ai longtemps pensé que ne pas parler de ce qui me faisait peur permettrait que cela n’arrive jamais. Et après mûre réflexion, ce qui se passait c’est que cela ne quittait pas ma tête…

J’ai choisi de le faire anonymement, pour me protéger d’une certaine façon quand même, vu que je livre des parts de moi très personnelles, dont certaines que je n’avais avant même pas abordée avec ma famille. Et mes angoisses me disent que des recherches sur internet se font parfois avant un entretien d’embauche, je ne voudrais pas que cela se retourne contre moi, les employeurs ne sont pas très compréhensifs, ils veulent des CV parfaits, pas des accidentés de la vie.

J’ai longtemps pensé que ne pas parler de ce qui me faisait peur permettrait que cela n’arrive jamais. Et après mûre réflexion, ce qui se passait c’est que cela ne quittait pas ma tête, ces pensées restaient latentes dans mon inconscient. Parler m’a permis de me faire comprendre de mon entourage, ils voient un peu mieux pourquoi j’ai réagi d’une façon ou l’autre alors que jusque là, mon comportement leur avaient juste semblé illogique voir irresponsable.

Se libérer de ces charges, les affronter, de manière complètement privée dans un journal, ou autrement, n’est pas une étape facile, je ne vais pas mentir. Et personnellement j’ai même choisi d’écrire quotidiennement, ce qui est un effort supplémentaire, mais je ressens des effets bénéfiques, je suis plus calme et en accord avec moi-même, je me comprends mieux et j’espère secrètement que cela fera du bien à quelqu’un qui me lira.

Et même si je suis encore très très loin de ma perfection, j’arrive à mieux m’accepter comme je suis, avec ma santé, mes médicaments, mes hésitations, parce que je progresse pas à pas. L’important c’est de ne pas rester sur place, même un tout petit pas, juste un tout petit pas, et ce sera une belle victoire pour vous sur l’anxiété.

---

Severus is a 34-year-old tech-savvy geek, mostly (but not exclusively) interested in sciences, health, mental health, animal causes and environmental issues. He lives in Belgium with his boyfriend 🇧🇪.

Our Most Popular Stories of 2018

Not to be left at the sidelines, the Beautiful Voyager is joining all of your other favorite websites and sharing a year-end roundup. In our case, we used the data pulled by our newsletter team at Revue to share the top articles that you, my dear Beautiful Voyager readers, clicked through from the bevoya newsletter.

As you’ll doubtlessly note, not all of these articles are from bevoya.com—and not all are articles! But it is interesting to see what stories captivated your minds this year, and where your interest lies. Scroll on to learn more about what made you curious in 2018.

10 How ‘Anxiety Pain’ Manifests

This article, originally published in TheMighty, resonated with many of you, as it did me.

09 How to Deal with an Anxious Boss

This was our first official paid guide story, and it was a hit!

08 Explore the Lighthouse Map. Open a Message in a Bottle.

This is not a story, but it is a link that many of you clicked on. In fact, in 2018 we had nearly 100 new lighthouses added to the lighthouse map. If you haven’t, now is the time.

07 I Was Fired From 3 Startups in One Year

2015, i don’t miss you too much. I did learn from you, though.

06 Not a story, but my workplace hit the list!

A surprising number of you clicked through to Trulia when I linked it in a newsletter.

05 Fidget spinners, weighted blankets, and the rise of anxiety consumerism 

This was the year that Rebecca Jennings at Vox included Beautiful Voyager in this thought-provoking piece about anxiety gadgets. I was very grateful we were included!

04 The Best Career Advice I Ever Got

I sent this story out as a newsletter. I will always remember the power of the question my friend Molly asked me.

03 In the wake of the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, looking at suicide differently

This really was great context around the heartbreaking deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. In assessing whether people might kill themselves, Beeson looks at “key variables that seem to be more related to death.”

02 Experiment #23: Stop Using Certain Phrases

This technique really worked for me, and I think it intrigued many of you, too, considering it was the #2 most read article of the year.

01 How to Know If Your Child Is Dealing with Anxiety

It makes me so happy that this was the #1 most read article of the year. I paid a writer to research this story, and really committed to it, so its success feels like a win for writers too!

Is there anything that this list is missing? Comment below and share what you’ve loved in 2018!

Dust Yourself Off, You Will Shine Again

Life will always let us down. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true. Even for the least spontaneous soul who schedules out every last minute of every day, something somewhere will eventually go astray. It’s a simple fact.

There’s not necessarily an explanation; there’s no one to blame. There are just too many variables involved in the outcome of our day. Therefore, the simple truth is: at any given time, anything, anywhere is possible.

Be real. But don’t be pessimistic. Possible does not mean probable.

We cannot live our lives with the expectation that disaster and heartache are lurking about every corner. Obviously, this would lead to massive anxiety. What good would it do to relax at home watching a movie, all the while preoccupied that a fire-engulfed jetliner could come crashing through the house, or that the chicken wings we’re snacking on are crawling with E.coli?

We have to approach life with at least some degree of certainty that the universe will yield to our basic expectations.

But what are our expectations?

If you always get A’s in school without studying, then you expect to get A’s. If you are lactose intolerant and invariably get the trots every time you touch ice cream, you will expect to run to the bathroom whenever you eat ice cream.

And if you have struggled with a lifetime of emotional pain, you will always expect to hurt.

A “lifetime.”

Unfortunately that’s no exaggeration.

For as far back as my memories extend, I recognize sadness above all else. Hope and happiness were an exception, not the rule. I was ruled by fear: fear of pain, fear of loss, fear of rejection and hate. And it was this fear and pain that I came to expect, because it was the most consistent factor I knew. If one fear dissolved it was insignificant because it would merely be overshadowed or replaced by another, equal or worse pain.

But this was life. And I accepted it for what it was.

So what happened?

Well, there was the breakup of the century which turned my life upside down… and then came the therapy.

Thirteen years of therapy. That’s right. Thirteen. My lucky number.

And if the breakup turned my life upside down, the therapy was about to drop it on its ass.

What I thought was “finding someone to chat with,” turned into 13 years of therapists and psychiatrists. A series of suicide attempts with several close-calls. Hospitals. Blood, sweat, tears… diagnoses… medication — lots of medication. And still wishing I had died, as I almost had the day I was born.

But then one day, somewhere around year 11, I realized something. Something was changing. I was…dare I say it? Happy!

Was it possible? Could it actually be?

At first I brushed it off as coincidence. Law of averages. I mean, things can’t always be dark and distressing. But, as life experience had taught me, I knew it was merely an anomaly… a fluke. A taunt. A spell of happiness was nothing more than God’s cruel way of magnifying the pain I would feel when it was inevitably stripped from me.

But then the joy I felt transformed into something even more foreign to me: Hope. Even gratitude!

I began to look forward to the future. I began to be grateful for the past.

Grateful! How absurd.

Gradually, my life changed. The return to happiness (or the introduction to it, in this case) is as insidious as the mental anguish it replaces. And little by little, life took on a different light.

I’d actually look forward to waking up in the morning. I’d walk to the train, listening to my music, singing…maybe even dropping a dance step or two when I came across the odd, unoccupied subway car. My daily routine, my thoughts, plans, feelings, beliefs…everything changed to accommodate a new perspective of life that was, for the very first time, not focused on death.

Eventually my medication was downgraded to a single low-dose of anti-depressants intended more to keep in check the little rascals that linger in my mind and like to stick their nose in my progress every so often. Of course any medication means I must still see the psychiatrist, but I’ve managed to keep this to a minimum, dropping in for 10 minutes a few times a year to get my required script.

But no more talking.

Thirteen years of therapy, I’m all talked out. There’s not much left to talk about. It’s about acting now. And so my therapy schedule which started at thrice weekly visits back in 2003 has been reduced to an occasional reality check every few months, merely aimed at keeping my ass on track.

But most importantly, it’s been 10 years since I had a visit to the hospital. Ten years since I sincerely had the wish to die.

Impressive? I like to think so. The pride is helpful in my healing. It reminds me of how strong I am. Sometimes it’s okay to be cocky.

But don’t be complacent.

This was where I went wrong.

My cockiness turned to complacency, and the undiscriminating, callous world of infinite possibility was just waiting for me to let my guard down.

And that was exactly what I did. I was ignoring things I knew would hurt me in the end… dipping my feet in water I knew would eventually drown me. Worst of all, I was getting far too laid back with the drinking.

I didn’t have my first drink until I was 19 years old, but coming from a long line of accomplished alcoholics, it took me years to learn how to drink without needing someone to carry me home at the end of the night. Once I found happiness this skill became effortless. But I forgot how easy it would be to travel back down that road.

I was already in a bad state of mind. I had just returned from two consecutive (and amazing, by the way) trips to Australia and Disney World, in which I had a month off from work. I now had to report to a job that I loathe — a job I swore 18 years ago was only temporary. Entirely devoid of vacation time, sick time, personal time…me time… things were looking grim.

Then I woke up one day and the date seemed familiar. It didn’t take long to realize that twenty years had passed since the start of my last serious relationship. The same relationship that turned my life on its ass four years later.

My gynecologist unwittingly then tipped the scale when he asked if I’d be interested in freezing my eggs, as it seems I “won’t be having children any time soon.”

Maybe I should also add that I just turned 40.

So there I was…home alone, a single, 40 year old, lousy with eggs…sipping on some Bacardi and coke.

Well, as the old saying goes… one thing led to another and before I knew what had happened I had turned back the clock of my life a solid 10 years.

Not one month prior I was shining bright… flying higher than ever before. I even jumped out of a plane in Australia! The single best experience I had ever known. Life couldn’t be much better than it was.

And now it had thrown me one of the biggest curve balls imaginable.

Granted, the consequences were not permanent. Not quite as dire as a flaming jetliner crashing through my roof. But for me it was a defeat that was unimaginable after coming so far. My pride was shaken. Obliterated, really. I was humiliated.

Details aren’t necessary. Nor are they really known except from what I was informed of after the fact. All I can say is a quarter of a bottle of rum, chased by a 6-pack of Corona and a dose of Benadryl in excess of its recommended usage did not result in much more than a night at the local Emergency Room, the intense desire to crawl under a large rock, and an even worse spell of depression than I thought I was already feeling.

For three full days I stayed in bed. I cried.

I didn’t eat much or go outside or really do anything — nothing productive, anyway. And for the first time in a long time, I sincerely did not want to live anymore.

I thank God for one amazing friend who made me remember that I am a good person, in spite of my faults. He came to check on me and bring me food… just give me a hug and tell me I will be fine again.

It’s the smallest things in the world that can make all the difference.

Unfortunately, the depression didn’t leave as quickly as it returned. I was fixated. Fixated on my pain. Fixated on the humiliation.

I was fixated on the things that hurt: I hate my job; I have no family; I’m nowhere close to getting married and will likely never have children… the list goes on and on.

I disregarded the positive: my job pays really well and my flexible schedule allows me much freedom in life to do the things I really love; I have a surrogate family that I adore and that cares for me dearly, even if I am not their “blood”; I love being single, and I already decided that I am perfectly okay with never having children… and the list goes on and on!

So what do you do when your brain just won’t get on point?

Well, in the words of Alanis Morissette: The only way out is through!

Don’t forget that it’s important to grieve. Embrace the pain.

Embrace it… but don’t wallow in it.

Distraction is constructive, but not when it masks denial. If you try to close out the pain and never deal with it, it will fester in your heart and consume you. You won’t even realize it. So cry. Scream if you have to. I’ve broken my share of dishes. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Open your arms to it.

More importantly, open your mind.

Understand the pain. Blind rage and anguish do us not good.

It’s a hell of a lot harder to ignore our feelings and emotions when we know where they’re coming from. No, ignorance is not always bliss. It can be. Do you really wanna know who sat on the toilet before you every time? I sure don’t. Even if I do cover it with a month’s worth of toilet paper.

Know the facts. Are you feeling sad or angry or embarrassed or jealous? Or, truth be told, are you simply thinking irrationally?

Journals are a godsend. If you’re like me and in constant need of fitting everything in your life into neat little boxes, go nuts with charts and checklists. Otherwise, ramble out strings of seemingly incoherent thoughts to your little heart’s content! But get it out. Think of pain as a poison you must dispel as soon as possible. Because that’s what it is.

Just the same, TALK!

Find a friend or a therapist…go to Church if it suits you. Hell, even the local Starbucks barista will do. Just get talking. Or get writing. No holds barred. Except one:

Be honest — with yourself if with no one else.

For starters, don’t disregard the positive. Yes, the negatives may be true but don’t get caught in biased evaluations. Maybe I’m 40 and unmarried and most likely not going to have children… but let’s be real: if I was presented with the opportunity tomorrow I’d likely run so fast I’d fly clear off the face of the earth.

So don’t make excuses or tell yourself lies. Don’t change reality.

Do change your environment. Environment is KEY!

Ditch the candles and depressing music. This’s not grieving, it’s wallowing. We don’t wallow!

My apartment is naturally devoid of sunlight. One of those little perks of living in New York. My windows provide a view of nothing but a brick wall and the adjacent windows of my neighbors so on top of having no direct sun to enjoy, I also keep the curtains drawn at all times. This drawback was my one reluctance in taking my apartment. Thank the heavens I decided against my concerns because I love my new home! So when I moved in one year ago I spent a good four weeks tracking down the perfect lamps and light bulbs in order to maximize the natural light in my home.

Nevertheless, light bulbs don’t work if you don’t turn them on! Consequently, I can find myself sitting in the dark for days if I am not careful.

So turn on the lights. Better yet, get the hell out of the house! Take a walk in the sun. All that crap about the healing power of sunlight… It’s true! I never really believed it until I experienced it myself.

Which reminds me… Know what works. More importantly, know what doesn’t.

For you. Not for your friends.

Know yourself. Know your stressors and triggers; know what soothes you; know what makes you smile. It’s different for every one of us.

My absolute favorite television show is Little House on the Prairie. For many the unrelenting tragedy and misfortune could be a downer. The infant deaths, fire and typhus… Mary blinded by Scarlet fever… Pa shot while hunting… rabies, rape, and meth addiction…

But I don’t see any of that. I see a hardworking, loving family that values one another above everything else, and will work hard together to overcome any obstacle thrown in their way. So when I am feeling alone and unloved, my vicarious little journey with the Ingall’s is greatly comforting to me.

On the other hand, I am absolutely incapable of watching certain sitcoms that my friends may think are hysterical, but have a profound negative effect on my mood.

We are all different.

But we are also all the same.

It is a basic condition of human nature that we seek what is most familiar. Accordingly, one of the worst aspects of depression is its self-perpetuating nature. Chances are, people who are depressed are familiar with sadness above all else. We seek it. We often crave it. So often we have the tools to change, but we are unable to implement them. For lack of a better explanation, we want to be sad.

Most people, I believe, won’t admit it. I would not. Many may feel it would discredit their pain. It does not.

But if you cannot be honest with yourself, nothing I said matters. Above all else, we must want to find peace. We must want to change our minds. We must be willing to fight and even more willing to fail. Because the world is full of flaming jetliners just waiting to crash through your roof.

The beast lingers.
Beware. 
But don’t be scared,
Don’t let it hold you back.
There’s hope inside you.
There is light. 
Just give it time.

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This story originally appeared on the Medium publication Invisible Illness.