Should I Tell My Boss I Have Anxiety?

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

What I’ve learned about disclosing mental health struggles.

Have you ever found yourself asking, “Should I disclose my mental health challenges at work?” It’s a question  I’m often asked in my capacity as a Certified Peer Specialist. In this piece, I’ll share what’s worked for me as well as the patterns I’ve seen in working with others on their own journeys. There are so many factors to consider: relationships at work, personal needs, the goal of disclosing. You also need to bear in mind the level of stigma you’ll be facing. Before I get into those details, let me tell you my own experience with anxiety at work and how I managed disclosures to my boss. My approach has been different from one job to another.

My own first episode of anxiety at work

I had my first burn-out in my late 20’s. I liked my job, had a promotion and was working a lot. The problem was I had a hard time detaching myself emotionally from my work. Plus, being a perfectionist, overachiever and people pleaser just increased the level of pressure I was putting on myself. One day, it felt like the wires in my brain sparked and shut down. At that time, I had a great relationship with my boss. So I felt comfortable disclosing my struggles to her. When I said that I couldn’t go on anymore, she was very understanding and supportive. She had noticed I was stressed, impatient and losing focus but didn’t know it was that bad. On my doctor’s recommendation, I left work for a couple months to take care of myself. I went to talk therapy which helped and learned new self-care skills. Being in a central marketing position in a smaller company, it was pretty hard for my absence to go unnoticed. My co-workers were told I was away for an undetermined period. They figured out I was on sick leave and I didn’t care. When I got back, everyone said they were happy to see me healthier. No further questions asked. 

My second episode of anxiety at work

About 10 years later, I had just moved from Montreal to Boston for my wife’s work. I was super excited and confident about this new adventure. However, I guess I had misjudged the effect of all the stressors that were going on in my life (moving, new job search, pre mid-life crisis). That’s when I began to feel super anxious and lost. Even though I was doubting myself and my work skills, I landed a good marketing position. I hadn’t even started on the job that I was losing sleep, hyper-agitated and having difficulty to focus or make decisions. Waking up in the morning was hell because of the fear of having to go to work, not feeling up for the tasks. And there it began. My first panic attack followed by multiple daily panic attacks sitting at my desk. I was literally jumping off my chair, wanting to escape, feeling I didn’t belong in that estranged environment. Still, I was able to hide my struggles and push through for a couple months, until it was unbearable. I decided not to mention anything about my mental state. I just told my boss that the company’s culture wasn’t a good fit for me, that I was unhappy at work. So I left, relieved (only for a very short time).

Crane Beach, MA, at the peak of my most severe mental health struggles in June 2014. The beach is an automatic anxiety relief place for me.

It keeps happening: my third episode

After a major depression and high anxiety episodes that followed, with help, I got back on my feet and found a new job. I chose again not to disclose anything about my mental health. When feeling highly stressed and less able to focus, I would tell my boss I was going through some personal stuff. I would take a sick day occasionally if needed. Due to the work environment (competitive, non-empathetic, stigmatic), I felt the risks were outweighing the gains of disclosing any further details. My symptoms weren’t present all of the time nor unmanageable. I was performing. Thanks to awareness and mindfulness! I must confess that I did open up to a few trusted colleagues who I thought were themselves at risk of mental health issues due to work-related stress.  

Is disclosing your anxiety at work a “professional suicide”?

Yes, it could but it doesn’t mean it will be. There is a risk of losing the respect of colleagues or being held to a different standard or being passed for a promotion or even being fired. It depends on the work environment. I think it will take time for the stigma around mental health to leave workplaces (and society). On the bright side, I see many companies trying to change their culture, and taking steps in the right direction. So I am hopeful. With the stress that the COVID-19 pandemic created, many companies have started implementing mental healthcare strategies, resources, and trainings. These improvements help support employees’ wellness, break the stigma, maintain productivity and reduce turnover. Some employers like Pinterest are even holding employee-led peer support groups. Still not convinced? Well, public figures and high performing CEOs have disclosed their mental health challenges, in turn increasing awareness and “normalizing” mental health conditions. How awesome, bold and powerful is that? I call it WWF-style stigma fighting!

Observing the patterns

When people share with me their experience of disclosing their anxiety to their boss, I can relate to the fact that we tend to provide too many unnecessary details to make our point. For example, I don’t have to disclose my diagnosis or explain past traumas. Telling my boss “I need a couple minutes throughout the day to manage my anxiety so I can maintain my performance level” should be enough. Another pattern I see is not being specific about what our needs are, what kind of support do we need from our boss or the organization. Accommodations can be small or bigger and that will influence the level of details we must disclose about our struggles. So, being prepared for our disclosure discussion is key. 

Checklist of questions to help making my decision

I’ve created a short list of questions to ask yourself as you reflect on whether to disclose or not your anxiety and mental health struggles at work. 

• What are my reasons to share my struggles at work?

• How much do I need/want to disclose?

• What do I have to gain? What is at risk? 

• Am I ready to disclose? Am I prepared to have this conversation? 

• What is my work environment and the culture? How is my relationship with my boss? What could potentially be the reactions and collateral impacts of my disclosure? How do I feel about that? Can I face the potential stigma?

• Is my current work performance negatively impacted by my struggles? How so?

• Do I need special accommodations from my boss or the organization to support my work and performance? If so, what are my specific requests? What would be the benefit for my employer to support me?

• What outcomes do I expect from my disclosure? 

How to use these questions to make your decision

Now that you’ve answered the checklist questions and reflected on your needs, how do you feel about disclosing now? Anxious, excited, scared, exposed, confident? Maybe a mix of those feelings? That’s completely normal. It’s how I felt each time I completed this exercise to help making my decision. 

There are other problem-solving/decision-making tools you can use like the simple two column visual, one for the positives and one for the negatives, which helps to better see where you stand and to take a step back. As a Peer Specialist, I have used with people a tool called PICBBA (Problem, Impact, Cost, Benefit, Brainstorm, Action). My checklist of questions kind of covers the principle of that tool.  Otherwise, sharing with someone you trust - a close friend or spouse - can help considering aspects you may have missed in your reflection. Personally, I always like to add meditation. It clears my mind, reduces my anxiety and digs into what my heart (or gut feeling) has to say about all this. It has rarely misguided me.

You’ve made your decision, what’s next? How to prepare for a productive conversation

Using your checklist of questions and answers as well as your own reflection, write down the specific pieces of information you want to disclose and your needs from your boss or organization. Make it both about you and the benefit for your employer (e.g. to maintain your wellness, productivity level, quality of your work). Rehearse out loud before the meeting, get a good night sleep. Stay confident, breathe and smile. 

What to expect after you have disclosed

That’s hard to predict as everyone’s experience is different. Every work environment is also different, so there is no one-size-fits-all answer. However, with proper reflection and preparation, you have greater chances of achieving the goal you have set in the first place for disclosing your struggles at work. Make sure you are at peace with your decision and own path forward – which is the most important of all. Your approach to disclosure may change overtime, as you gain more experience with sharing your struggles.

Where do we stand today?

I believe in honesty and at the same time I keep in mind the following quote from Ron Brackin (journalist and author of the international bestseller Son of Hamas): ‘’Complete honesty is not the same thing as full disclosure’’.

In the past years, becoming a Mental Health Peer Specialist solved in part my disclosure dilemma (telling my story or pieces of it is part of the job). Nevertheless, I recently chose to go all out through social media and that was my personal decision. I did it in full awareness, in confidence, well-prepared and with a clear goal in mind: helping others, raising awareness and breaking the stigma. 

Now I turn it to you, let’s start the conversation:

• What is your personal experience with disclosing or not disclosing at work? 

• What made you choose to go one way or the other?

• Who did you tell (boss, co-workers, HR)? 

• How do you feel about your choice today? Would you have done it differently?

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Pat G Massicotte was born and raised in Quebec City. He spent many years in the medical/pharma industry in marketing before moving to Boston where he experienced serious mental health challenges that almost took his life. His recovery journey took him on a career shift and he became a Certified Peer Specialist in mental health. He used his presentation and training development skills to lead education committees, run peer support groups and mindfulness meditation sessions including workplaces.

More recently, Pat has pursued his dream to move to California where he joined the California Association for Mental Health Peer-Run Organizations (CAMHPRO) to take care of communications and to facilitate state advocacy workgroups and peer education webinars.

Pat is a change agent passionate about mental health education. His ultimate goal is to humanize healthcare, break the stigma, raise awareness through voicing the Peer Values, the trauma-informed model and that recovery is real, so is hope.

What Overthinking Means to Me

The idea of writing about my journey with overthinking is daunting, because it has become so engrained in my daily life that I find it difficult to distinguish from any sense of “normalcy” that my brain may possess. 

How would I describe overthinking? Well, basically my mind is on overdrive all the time. I think sentences ahead of myself (even while writing), and at the same time judging what I have just said, done, or written. 

The quest of finding reasons for the origin of feeling this way is complicated. I have been diagnosed with many mental health disorders during my life and I have a hard time identifying which parts of my thinking are disordered and which are just unique – because I believe there is a difference. 

Am I just a highly sensitive person? Or are these patterns symptoms of other problems? Can both be true? Because of my tendency of black and white thinking, it is tough to reconcile the two.

Is overthinking inherently negative? I mean, to me, the short answer is yes. But I would be remiss to dismiss any possible positive consequences. There are many times where multi-tasking is a necessary part of life. In times of hectic stress, the ability to have multiple wheels turning may be beneficial at the least to life-saving at the most. 

For example, I came across a fallen bicyclist the other day. He had crashed in the middle of traffic. Most cars continued their commute while few observers stopped. I sprung into action as we went to check on the injured man. Immediately my brain started making checklists of what we had to do to handle the situation. It looked something like this:

• Block traffic

• Call 911

• Reassure cyclist of his safety

• Move belongings & bicycle off of the road

• Liaise with other concerned citizens

• Confirm with self that the situation is under control

As you read that without feeling the urgency of the situation, perhaps that list seems simple. Having to create it in seconds during a high stress scenario feels a lot different. To me, that list came almost automatically because of my tendency to overthink.

The negative parts of overthinking include hypervigilance. This means that both my mind and body are on high alert at all times. I am extra sensitive to sounds and lights as well. 

Consequently, my energy is zapped from being in this constant state. I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling truly rested and that energy lasted for the duration of the day. If I get any less than 8 hours of sleep per night I am almost unable to function.

The multitude of topics that are constantly bouncing from one to another are nearly impossible to keep track of. There’s that old arcade game where you’re supposed to stop multiple balls from falling with only a small bar at the bottom. That’s how my brain feels. Many good ideas are likely lost because I can’t concentrate on one thing at a time – especially for long periods of time.

Another aspect of overthinking for me is catastrophizing anxiety. The combination of my anxiety disorders with overthinking means that I am always trying to prepare for any and all bad situations to alleviate my fears. Much of my brain power is spent attempting to calm these fears. I would likely be able to get more done without this.

This leads to the next problem: a lack of a productivity because of all the noise in my head. If you take all of the stuff I’ve been able to come up with just for this post (hypervigilance, exhaustion, concentration struggles, catastrophizing) that doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Yet, I some how manage to adequately perform at a fulltime job. Nevertheless, I wonder about the untapped potential being destroyed by the unnecessary draining of my mental energy. 

There are no definitive conclusions to come to at the end of this article. This journey with overthinking has shown mostly negative effects on my life – although I do not know what life would be like without it. It could be markedly better, or even worse. Sometimes the things we think are causing us the most troubles are actually vital to our beings. So, I will not jump to complete conclusions about my overthinking – it’s this mindfulness stuff, ya know? I am aware it is there and will take steps to better myself according to what I need at the time. I think it’s about the only thing I can do.

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Paige Kezima (she/her) spent her childhood on a farm on Treaty 4 territory in rural Saskatchewan. She moved to Regina, Saskatchewan in 2008 to pursue post-secondary education. Paige is passionate about mental health advocacy and has had personal pieces published in The Mighty and Sick Not Weak. She volunteered for the Schizophrenia Society of Saskatchewan’s Partnership Program where she shared her experience living with a mental illness.

What I Learned About The Power of Positive Affirmation

“Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

Photo of the author taken in Mumbai

Affirmations (meaning statements said with confidence about a perceived truth) have helped thousands of people make significant changes in their lives. But they don't always work for everyone. How can one person have great success using this tool, while another sees no results at all?

I’ve learned that an affirmation works because it has the ability to program your mind into believing the stated concept. Did you know that your mind doesn't know the difference between what is real or what is fantasy? When you watch a movie, and you start to laugh or cry, your mind is empathizing with the characters on the screen even though it is only Hollywood magic.

There are both positive and negative types of affirmations. I'm sure many of us can remember being told as a child by a teacher, parent, or coach that we didn't have the ability to do something (we were fat, clumsy, etc.). These unwholesome statements can stay with us in the conscious or unconscious mind, which we then reinforce throughout our lives.

For example, the fear of failure, according to Heinz Kohut, the grandfather of psychology of the self, is often intimately connected to a childhood fear of being abandoned, either physically or emotionally. When we fear failure, we tend to overestimate the risk we're taking and imagine the worst possible scenario—the emotional equivalent of our primary caretakers deserting us. What we picture is so dreadful that we convince ourselves we shouldn't even try to change. We avoid opportunities for success, and then when we fail, the unwholesome affirmation we unwittingly re-confirm is "Success just isn't written in my stars," or "It's just not in my karma!"

Painting by the Trishna Patnaik.

If an unwholesome belief is deeply rooted in our unconscious mind, then it has the ability to override a positive affirmation, even if we aren't aware of it. This is why, for many people, affirmations don't seem to work: Their afflicted thought patterns are so strong that they knock out the effect of the positive statement. So how can we add more muscle to an affirmation, so that it has the power to triumph over our negative thinking? 

I found the following tools help me make the affirmations “work”:

Emotional connection. I found an affirmation that sticks the cord emotionally. I learned to feel comfortable saying it out loud. 

Habit-forming. I kept a daily journal to develop a habit of repeating the affirmation twice a day, once in the morning when I woke up and once before going to bed. Give it a try! You have nothing to lose and it will be worth it in the end.

Practice. After months of practice, I found that affirmations are one of the most effective ways to rewire the subconscious mind. It didn’t take long for them to start having a positive effect on the way I thought about myself and, consequently, the way I lived my life. It helped me refocus and get that annoying, insistent negativity out the way so that I could get back on track with achieving goals.

Self-love. Through practising affirmations you develop an increase in self-love and positivity that helps to recover from any emotional wobbles more quickly. There is something much more grounding when you validate yourself through personal affirmations.  So please stick with it!

Here are 20 uplifting affirmations that will help you manifest self-love in your life:

1. I love and appreciate myself.  

2. I am accepting of myself and my abilities.

3. I will always create a way for me.

4. I emit love and respect to others and in return I get love and respect.

5. I will let go of any negative thoughts about myself and replace them with positive ones.

6. I am a well educated and talented and yet, a humble person.

7. I have the ability to create a positive change in the world.

8. I acknowledge my worthiness. I am confident and courageous.

9. I am uniquely created and worthy of respect from others.

10. My high self-esteem allows me to be receiving and giving of compliments.

11. I encourage others to be themselves and they in return encourage me to by myself.

12. It does not matter what people say. What matters is what I believe and how I respond.

13. Positive things are taking place in the world and the universe is radiating love & acceptance.

14. I have high self-esteem as I appreciate myself.

15. I deserve all that is good in the world and will let go of any need for negativity and suffering.

16. I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I know my self-worth and I love me.

17. I am at peace with my past. Everything that is happening is happening for a good reason.  

18. I am not alone. The universe is guiding me and encouraging me every step of the way.

19. My mind and heart are filled with only loving, positive, joyous, and fulfilling thoughts that will manifest into my life experiences.  

20. My mind and heart are grateful for a happy and fulfilling life.

Painting by Trishna Patnaik.

How Affirming Phrases Can Keep You Focused

Affirmations are reminders to your unconscious mind to stay focused on your goals and to come up with solutions to challenges and obstacles that might get in the way.

They can also create higher vibrations for happiness, joy, appreciation, and gratitude that then, through the law of attraction, magnetize people, resources, and opportunities to come to you to help you achieve your goals.

Whether you know it or not, you are always using affirmations… but usually not ones that will bring you what you want.

How Do Affirmations Work? 

When you engage in positive affirmations over a period of time, you make new and stronger neural connections and chemical pathways. Many scientists refer to these changes in the brain as neuroplasticity.  In brief, we have realized that ‘neuroplasticity,' the ongoing remodelling of brain structure and function, occurs throughout life. It can be affected by life experiences, genes, biological agents, and by behavior, as well as by thought patterns.”

Why Are Positive Affirmations so Important During Childhood

A lot of research shows that we create our belief systems in childhood. This is the power of the belief that functions as our base for our whole life. This means we go through our adult life trying to experience situations which coincide with the beliefs gained in our childhood. This also means that we are often tied to the limitations of our beliefs, depending on what we have experienced in our childhood. These negative thoughts are often with us, even when we don’t realize and we call them negative beliefs.

This is why it is so important to be supportive and help children build a strong belief system with a positive attitude towards life. This way we can help our children gain strong, healthy values and positive beliefs which would allow them to gain confidence and a healthy dose of self-respect.

Painting by the Trishna Patnaik.

Benefits of positive affirmations

We all have long-term goals in life we want to achieve that may seem out of reach, and sometimes we may be reluctant to take even that first step. Certainly, affirmations can be helpful in those situations. They can improve our self-confidence and ability to overcome obstacles. But positive self-talk also allows us to deal with even more immediate mental and physical health concerns.

For instance, affirmations are helpful for depression and anxiety, which often come with repeated, negative thoughts that reinforce the difficult emotions. Adding a positive mantra to your routine can work for anyone because you don’t have to feel that it’s true at first. Simply say it, and the brain and emotional benefits will follow.

And you know what's even more powerful?

When you combine the power of affirmations with personal growth tools to amplify your manifestations! Because then you have two tools working to reprogram your subconscious mind at the same time!

“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create. “- Buddha

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“It’s a road less traveled, but a journey I look forward to every day.” — Trishna Patnaik

Trishna Patnaik is an art therapist and healer who works with clients on a one-on one-basis in Mumbai and conducts painting workshops across India. After receiving her Bachelors in Life Sciences and MBA in Marketing), Trishna worked professionally in various well-known corporations, but realized she wanted to do something more meaningful, finding her true calling in painting. Trishna fancies the art of creative writing as a way to engage with readers, wanderers and thinkers. 

You Mean, I’m Vulnerable Too?

I recently learned (the hard way) that it takes only a single illness to erase your entire (usually unconscious) system of beliefs about your body’s invulnerability and tempt you to become anxiously fearful about potential future disease.

In the past, I always showed up for my annual physicals relaxed and confident. I left those appointments in a euphoric state. My reports, even after I turned 50, were always perfect. I was totally confident about my health. That is, until the Wednesday morning before Thanksgiving when an unannounced, unexpected, and unnamable pain that felt as if a hot metal wire was tightening around the organs in my lower abdomen occurred. Though it brought me to my knees, it disappeared after a few barely tolerable minutes and sure that there was nothing seriously wrong, I went out to do my planned errands.

After lunch, though, I began shivering violently. Still wearing my outdoor clothes, I lay on the bed covered in blankets and my heaviest down coat, which went from my shoulders almost to my ankles. I called my husband Joe to come home from work.

I tried to text my friend, but was shaking so badly under my layers of coverings that I had to use the voice command to tell my phone: “Call Ava!” I described the earlier pain and the current shivering.

She said quickly, “I’ll call Steve.” He’s her internist brother-in-law who lives a thousand miles away from us, and the best diagnostician I’ve ever known.

Ava called back in a few minutes. “Steve says it’s diverticulitis. He wants you to go to the emergency room right away.”

Joe came home and sat on the bed beside me. I didn’t tell him what Steve had said. I was quite casual—even in light of the excruciating abdominal attack. Then another attack arrived. It lasted about two minutes—two long minutes. As I lay in the fetal position trying to breath, my husband patted my shoulder, which somehow soothed or at least distracted me, as I counted down to indicate my level of pain: “10 . . . . . . . . 9 . . . . . . . 8 . . . .  .7 . . . .”  I gasped out the numbers, until finally I sighed “1.”

Joe dialed Dr. Padro, our primary care physician. She could see me in an hour.

In a few minutes, I felt fine again. So fine that when we got to our HMO, I chose to walk up the three flights of stairs to Dr. Padro’s office, as I always did.

 She poked my abdomen gently. “Does this hurt?”

  “No.”

 “Well, you could have diverticulitis, although your stomach should hurt when I press it. Promise me you’ll go to the emergency room for a CT scan if you have another intense attack.”

 I promised, but I didn’t expect another onslaught of that agony again. Joe, Drs. Padro and Steve, Ava’s brother-in-law, saw an urgency that eluded me. So, with this possible diverticulitis diagnosis, if I thought anything at all (my mind was still strangely absent) it was that this was just a more grotesque manifestation of my chronic irritable bowel syndrome, which the medical profession had no way of relieving. I’d never been sick before: Well, not with a bona fide illness, though I daily endure and manage more than my share of physical idiosyncrasies: persistent muscle pain, lately joint pain as well, digestive gas that stimulates intense body-wide itching, flu symptoms, including sore throat, headache, body aches, and so on, which disappear after a simple welcome burp.

The third attack came suddenly Thanksgiving morning. (The pain never arrived gradually.) Again Joe and I did the shoulder-patting countdown, as the pain slowly subsided. (I was so glad an attack didn’t fell me in public—or in the middle of the night.)

 “You have to go to the ER,” Joe said firmly.

 “No problem,” I answered, feeling completely well again.

 Joe went out and made sure the interior of the car was warm for me. As it had been from the beginning of these episodes, my mind was strangely blank. I didn’t look ahead or think about anything except maybe where Joe would park when we got to the hospital.

I arrived at the hospital feeling alert, cheerful, and almost happy.

My mind didn’t think I was really ill, and in any case, I didn’t have to figure out what was wrong or come up with a treatment. As I walked through the hospital’s sliding doors, I thought: “I’m your problem now!” I had no concern for the immediate or far future. I was as unworried as the “lilies of the field  . . . .” After all, nothing had really ever been wrong with me before. But reluctantly, I would have to develop a new way of looking at my physical self.

A quick CT scan (don’t they call them CAT scans anymore?) determined I had diverticulitis. Normally an overly curious person, I didn’t ask what that was. A large ER doctor who looked like the genie in the old Thief of Bagdad movie smilingly asked, “Do you know why you got this?”

“No.”

Chuckling softly, he answered his own question: “Bad luck.”

The three days in the hospital on antibiotics and pain relievers in a private room overlooking the Charles River were pleasant. I was fed through an IV. Before I could be released on Sunday, I had to show that I could eat solid food and take an oversized antibiotic pill. The nurse crushed the pill in some applesauce. I took a spoonful, which immediately came back up into two buckets. Promising to get the pills reconstituted into smaller ones that I could swallow whole, I was released.

Even in their smaller size, about the size of my thumb fingernail, the five daily pills I had to take for 21 days were disgusting. I told myself over and over, “I must take this medication to get well.” That, in itself, was a departure from my normal routine, since I never had to take any drugs except to end my 10-year-long bout with hot flashes.

 While recovering, I found didn’t enjoy many foods I used to eat almost daily. Gone were the turkey kielbasa, the whole-wheat crackers, the granola bar with chocolate chips in it that used to calm my 11 a.m. IBS threats, and the nightly bowl of ice cream with my husband. All this signaled a different me. Three months later, I still don’t eat any of those foods. Coming down with diverticulitis was the easiest, if not the least painful, way to lose a quick 6 pounds.

Now my attitudes toward my body have changed. I found out that diverticulitis can recur. I’m trying to control my anxiety about an upcoming test that will tell the surgeon if I need surgery for the condition.

I’ve learned I’m not invincible. That was horrid awakening.

I developed apprehension about my health I never had before. And hard as it is to prevent it, I know worrying isn’t doing any good. In fact anxiety is harmful to my overall health. Instead of dwelling on what might come, I remind myself of all the times doctors didn’t give me bad news in my medical exams, but praised my health and vigor. So I refuse to go into the upcoming test cowering, with my chin dragging on the ground.

 Resilience is a big deal for me. We can’t know what the future holds, but we have to do our best to appreciate all that’s good in our lives and bounce back from the unpleasant surprises life sometimes throws at us. The alternatives are unacceptable.

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About the Author

Lynette Benton is a memoir, personal essay, family history, and creative writing instructor. Her essay, “No More Secrets and Silence” was awarded first prize in the contest sponsored by the National Association of Memoir Writers and She Writes Press. It was also anthologized in the collection The Magic of Memoir.

Her work has appeared in numerous online and paper publications, such as Brevity; Women Writing Women’s Books; More Magazine Online, Skirt! Magazine, and local newspapers (the Arlington Advocate and the Lexington Minuteman).

She has guest posted on various literary web sites, and was a personal essay columnist for the Chronicle of Higher Education, and InsideHighered.org, (the latter two under pseudonyms). An excerpt from her memoir was a finalist in a 2014 memoir-writing contest. Visit Lynette at Tools & Tactics for Writers and click on the word blog for tips on writing.

Lynette is prone to pain.

Guide to the Best Weighted Blankets for Better Sleep and Less Anxiety

My past weighted blanket guides have been focused the history of weighted blankets, where they came from, and why they exist. Like many other sites, I listed the sorts of issues weighted blankets are supposed to help with, from Autism Spectrum Disorder to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

This year, I want to do something a little different and focus on categories of weighted blankets. These are brands I have actually tried myself, so I know exactly how they work.

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The Best Weighted Blanket for Hot Sleepers

Hush Iced’s Cooling Weighted Blanket for Summer, from $199

My 9-year-old daughter is obsessed with this blanket, and for good reason. It’s both heavy and light—quite a feat when you think about it. She carries it from sofa to bed, enjoying the soft t-shirt fabric of the exterior and the nice, comfortable weight of the blanket itself. The biggest problem is that once she got used to this blanket, it was hard to transition back when traveling, etc.

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The Best Weighted Blanket That Helps Support Others

Weighting Comforts Charcoal Weighted Blanket, $149

I appreciate and like this company’s commitment to helping others. Weighting Comforts is based in Nashville, Tennessee, and they partner with Sew for Hope, a non-profit organization that teaches refugees to sew. 

Sew For Hope provides sewing machines and sewing classes for International Refugees that have been resettled in Middle Tennessee.Buying a blanket here supports women who making a living with artistry and skill.

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The Best Custom-Made Weighted Blanket

The Bevoya Store Weighted Blanket, from $119

This was the first weighted blanket I ever had, and I sleep under it every night. It’s well-made by a professional seamstress who lives in Illinois and who works from her home.

Here’s what I notice about sleeping under this blanket: There are times I need to kick a leg out because I get too weighted down, but soon enough, I normalize again and long for the weightness. When I end up in a bed without a weighted blanket, I long for it because it helps my sleep “settle in.”

I like that there is a pattern on the blanket. It sets it apart from our usual duvets and down comforters.

And if you can’t afford an (admittedly pricey) weighted blanket?

I was recently send this great list of DIY approaches to weighted blankets. Check them out, and see if any could work for you. If nothing else, you’ll get to see how a weighted blanket might work for you before investing in one yourself.

Got any brands of weighted blankets you think I should try? Drop me a comment below!

My Morning Ritual Helps Me With My Anxiety

Photo by Michael Skrzypek

I have been tweaking my morning routine for many years and have found a framework that helps me start my day with a healthy stroll rather than a flat out sprint when the alarm goes off at 6am. A key part of this success is not taking in any media until I have finished with my little rituals. Media means not only news and social media, but also emails, texts and alerts. Even classical music with announcements in between songs is off the table. Anything that is vying for my attention, unless I have purposely set it up for some early critical task or an emergency, is to be silenced. When you have a busy brain like mine it is easy to get swept away on someone else’s rollercoaster of needs and attention rather than what I had intended to accomplish. Even with the pandemic going on, when no one would blame me for scouring news first thing to see what dangers lurked ahead in my day, I have stuck to this rule (save for the first week).

My morning rituals include meditating first thing, stretching and journaling with coffee. If my brain is active with ideas, thoughts or concerns, and I am finding it difficult to meditate, I might journal first to clear my head. I find that my mind noodles on things overnight and keeping new information out allows for it to transfer various mental connections or resolutions from the sleepy subconscious mind to the waking mind. I can then write these thoughts onto physical paper in my journal which helps me process my experiences, my world, my life and my mission. When I would grab my phone first thing and check all of those media touch points, I would lose this vital piece of learning, understanding and growth. Instead my head would be filled with a whole new bevy of thoughts and concerns. They call it the "attention economy" for a reason.

After meditating, stretching and journaling, then it is time to really wake the system up in the form of exercise. Strength training, cardio or even a brisk walk with the dog do the trick. After I take the pup out I try and find sunshine and take a sun bath, letting the rays further wake up my senses. I usually have a light breakfast and then hit the shower. For two years now I have finished that nice warm rinse with three minutes of the coldest water I can get. Not only is this good for your immune and cardiovascular systems, but it helps build some serious fortitude. When you mind is screaming “No freaking way!” and your will says, “Oh yes we are, son”, you're building a neural pathway to overcoming something that frightens you.

All of these steps have put me in a position where I dictate how my morning will begin, choosing to wake my mind and body up in a ritualistic way that gives me peace, strength, fortitude and natural energy, rather than adrenaline fueled worry that leaves me feeling like a passenger on a runaway train. My anxiety has lessened to a great degree and my panic attacks are now few and far between. There are other steps I take throughout the day, but this morning routine has proven to be the linchpin. Safeguard your world and your goals like precious jewels. It is so easy to let outside influences leave you in a reactive state rather than a responsive state.

Barton Quigley lives in San Francisco. He pursued several of his own business start-ups for twenty years before launching a successful dog walking service. His dream was to escape the ruthless corporate grind and find a passion job would end the nightmare of anxiety and panic attacks. Barton discovered his own busy, overthinking, passionate brain needed some tender loving care, understanding and guidance. He began to study a wide array of subjects around health, specifically mental health, as well as productivity - life hacking - for living his best life. Through deep contemplation, therapy, and endless self experimenting, Barton found his own lasting truths and techniques, bringing a greater sense of stability to life just as it is, while still pursuing passionate dreams. His current passion is to share his library of lessons, tips and tricks to help others.

How Polycystic Ovary Syndrome Has Affected My Mental Health

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As a child, I couldn’t hide the symptoms, no matter how much I wanted to.

I read the comments on my recently posted picture. I sighed with a sense of relief. It wasn’t all bad. They found me happy. They found me cute. The filters were working. 

Then I got a notification about a message from an old school mate.

“Still the same fat girl, huh?” The face filters could not hide the extra pounds on my body.  Fat. Three lettered word. Storm of emotions.  The skin tears wide open. The wound begins to bleed again. The pain brings my attention to the open wound. I realize it never healed since it happened. 

Taking in a long breath, I type down, “Still the same sizeist, huh?”  I press send. It felt good. I had stood up for myself, right? I take some cotton and dab the wound. The piece of cotton turns red as it absorbs all the blood, but the wound remains fresh. I continue to bleed…drop by drop.  Oh, his guts. After all these years…

Maybe people never changed. I could almost see it as if it were happening before my eyes that very minute. The crowd of students jeering behind my back, calling me names. I had run into the washroom; head bowed down. School kids had interesting ways of entertaining themselves. It involved observation and undesired attention to every ‘ugly’ feature in me. It started from the most visible one – the obesity, to the most minute details – the hirsutism.

My younger self had looked at her reflection and cringed in the empty girl’s washroom. The acne breakout burned red under the heat. I could feel the sweat glistening on my bushy eyebrows. Her body frame barely fit in the tiny bathroom mirror. “Couldn’t just blame them... I look hideous.” I had thought to myself as I searched the school bag for the pills. 

The doctor’s voice had rung in my head. “Three pills three times a day, PCOS can be controlled with the right medication and diet and exercise.” 

My mother had seemed worried all through the doctor visits, and for good reasons. I was the first in the family to present such a diagnosis. They had barely heard about this lifestyle issue that was surprisingly prevalent among millions of teenage girls around the globe. I recalled how the risk of heart disease or cancer at an older age, or even the risk of infertility had meant nothing to my younger self back then. 

My only concern, back then, had been the person I saw in the mirror every morning... and how all the students in school also seemed to notice only what I saw in the mirror. An ugly misfit.  I leave the wound open. I carelessly brush it against the walls and pointed edges. The wound grows bigger and deeper. 

I looked in the mirror. My present-self glowed in the mirror. Despite my low cooperation, all those doctor visits and medications over the years had had an impact. But I could see right through the façade. The hidden extra fat under the clothes, the acne marks, the smile with the crooked teeth. I fought only the unseen symptoms now... the mood swings, the anxiety, the binge eating. I looked at my reflection and saw the source of my misery and pain. “This body will continue to haunt me forever.” The wound festered, slowly turning into a toxic infection.

I brushed aside the messages. Put on a smile and told myself that there were more important things that required my attention. I was not going to let the bullies win again. I could not give them the satisfaction. I washed the wound. Applied ice. Put on a band aid. I moved on and forgot about the wound…. Again. 

Another day, another comment, I found myself in front of the mirror again. Only this time, I broke down crying. My blurry eyes fall on the picture of my 5-year old self, that is stuck to the edge of the mirror, the girl with a chubby face and a hearty smile. That young girl didn’t seem to worry about what others thought of her. She didn’t seem to have contemplated a million times before posing for the camera. She seems happy with herself, her little chubby hands and feet, and how she could put a smile on any face in the room. I rip off the band aid. The wound still appeared fresh. 

My reflection appeared tired. Fatigued after all these years of seeking approval.

When did that young girl grow up to be someone I hated? Since when did my own reflection give rise to feelings of hatred and shame in myself? Aren’t I enough as I am? Am I going to let a diagnosis define me? Am I eventually going to let the bullies win? After all these years of covering up my scars and wounds, I realized I did not have the energy to carry this shame anymore. I touch the wound, I could feel the insides burning. I dig deeper as the pain shoots through my body. But I dig until I take out all the pus, dirt and debris. 

Step one—Disinfect the wound. 

I wiped her tears. I apologized to my reflection for years of unkindness. I took a long hot shower. Put on my favorite clothes. I beamed at myself in the mirror and told myself– “You are beautiful and you are enough.”

Step two—Stitch up the wound carefully. 

I took a picture of myself. Unfiltered and raw. I put it up on my feed. And when my best friend commented, I smiled and replied, “thank you.”

Step three—Keep the wound clean and dry in the coming days.

I continued to listen to my body, giving it water, food and importantly, love. I reminded my body every day that I loved it no matter how it looked. I thanked my body for everything it did for me, day in and day out. Wounds don’t heal with time. Tissues grow over them. The pain lessens. It scars.

Step four—Avoid picking at scabs.

I discovered the block feature in my social media accounts. I wrote more about body positivity and acceptance. I began reading and following healthcare for PCOS. I learn to live with the scars.

Step five—Let the air in.

I smiled at myself in the mirror every morning. I was looking at my favorite companion. I looked down at my arms, the scars were not visible anymore.  

“Look down at your body

whisper

There is no home like you.”

– Rupi Kaur

Millions of young girls around the globe suffer from PCOS at a very young age. But many do not know enough about the condition or its consequences. 

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs. The exact cause of PCOS is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

Bullying can lead to invisible scars. Both of these topics are very close to my heart and I have wanted share my experiences with it for a long time. Please give this a read and share your feedback. 

Educate yourself, keep yourself informed and look out for the signs, in yourself and in others.
If you ever need to talk, I am here to lend an ear 😊

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Ramitha Ramesh is a psychologist in the making. She’s a cinephile, reader, and music lover who is grateful for all the art that ever touched her life.

A version of this essay first appeared in Invisible Illness.

How Mindfulness Works

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And why it’s easier for some people to reap the benefits.

Mindfulness has invaded the world of popular psychology (aka “pop psych”). Unlike some trends and fad treatment methods (e.g., pseudo-therapy apps), there seems to be a lot of empirical evidence to support that mindfulness training can, in fact, have a positive impact on mental health.

Specifically, practicing mindfulness over time can improve the control you have over your attention (Chambers, Lo, & Allen, 2008; Moore & Malinowski, 2009; Watier & Dubois, 2016) and decrease negative emotions, such as anxiety (Ortner, Kilner, & Zilazo, 2007).

What is mindfulness exactly?

Mindfulness, often defined as the act of purposely and non-judgmentally paying attention to the present moment (Kabat-Zinn, 2003), derives from Buddhist contemplative techniques and traditions.

There are many different types of mindfulness meditations that you can engage in. For beginners, mindfulness meditations are often guided by an experienced instructor.

The mindfulness instructor may ask you to release any judgment or evaluation of the thoughts appearing in your mind. You simply have to observe them: “Observe your breath flowing in and out. If your mind starts to wander, gently move your attention back to your breathing.”

If you’ve tried this, you might have noticed that mindfulness can be really challenging. Let’s take a closer look at the way it works so we can understand why it can be a challenge for some more than others:

How does mindfulness work?

Research indicates that there are mechanisms unique to mindfulness, compared to other emotion regulation techniques, that can explain why it helps us manage our emotions.

In comparison to emotion regulation strategies that aim to change your negative feelings (e.g. cognitive reappraisal), mindfulness aims to increase your awareness and acceptance of those feelings (Chambers et al., 2009). Ironically, observing and accepting your emotions can end up changing them a great deal, or at the very least, can reduce their intensity.

To help with acceptance, mindfulness first requires you to control your attention to your emotions, allowing you to merely observe them without distraction. Focusing your attention on something also requires ignoring information that may be distracting (Ochsner & Gross, 2005). For example, when you meditate, you will likely have unpleasant thoughts that automatically appear in your mind:

“I feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m bored.”

“When will this start to work?”

When you have these thoughts, mindfulness requires that you to notice them, and then reorient your attention back to your breath, for instance, or whatever it is you are aiming to focus on.

By using mindfulness techniques, you reduce brain activity related to negative thinking and increase activity in brain areas associated with attention. One neuroimaging study by Zeiden et al. (2014) found that reducing temporary feelings of anxiety through the use of mindfulness techniques increased activation in brain regions linked to attentional control (i.e., the prefrontal cortex).

Why is meditation easier for some than for others?

Research suggests that, in general, meditating improves with practice. Experienced meditators show enhanced attentional control compared to non-meditators (Lutz et al., 2008; Moore & Malinowski, 2009).

However, there are various factors that make meditation more difficult for some than for others.

1. If you tend to be an anxious person in general, mindfulness may be harder (at least at first) for you (Walsh et al., 2009). This is because anxiety interferes with our ability to control our attention. According to attentional control theory (Eysenck et al., 2007), anxiety increases our attention to threat-related stimuli (e.g., scary news articles, intrusive thoughts, etc.), which decreases attention to whatever is relevant to accomplishing our goals. As a result, anxiety can make it harder to focus while meditating.

2. Individuals who struggle with controlling their attention, such as those with ADHD or sustained attention problems, may have more difficulties with mindfulness. Since attentional control is one of the main mechanisms unique to mindfulness practice, those struggling with their attention can have an especially hard time implementing mindfulness techniques.

3. Personality factors can change how quickly mindfulness will start to work for you. The higher you are an neuroticism (i.e., the tendency to experience more negative emotions on a daily basis, including anxiety, depression, and self-doubt), the more practice it will take to improve at mindfulness (Nyklíček & Irrmischer, 2017). If you think about it, this actually makes a lot of sense. Neuroticism makes it difficult to take your attention away from negative thoughts, memories, or emotions. The more negative thoughts and emotions you have that can interfere with your ability to concentrate, the harder it will be to meditate.

To be clear, individuals scoring higher on these traits are not resistant to the benefits of mindfulness; they may just need more practice.

In fact, mindfulness training has proven to be an effective treatment for individuals with attentional deficits (Cairncross & Miller, 2016). Additionally, one meta-analysis of 209 different studies using mindfulness-based therapy (MBT) found that mindfulness significantly improved symptoms of anxiety and depression (with sustained benefits over time), and that participants showed improved mindfulness abilities after treatment.

What can we take away from this?

Mindfulness is widely advertised nowadays and made to look easy. However, the truth is that mindfulness meditation takes practice for most people and can be especially difficult for individuals struggling with their mental health.

If meditating is hard for you, patience and practice will be essential. In fact, practicing mindfulness may be even more beneficial for those who have difficulties with it, since it can lead to substantial, positive improvements in daily functioning. If you stick with it, you will likely experience a large improvement in your daily mood, concentration, and quality of life.

Those who experience more difficulties implementing mindfulness techniques may benefit more from guided, rather than self-directed, meditations where an instructor walks you through what to focus on. Guided meditations can be found through a quick search on Youtube.com (e.g., see “10-Minute Meditation For Anxiety” by Goodful).

Many therapists who incorporate mindfulness techniques in their treatment methods (e.g., MBT or DBT) can also guide you through what steps to take.

Given the promising research on mindfulness’ potential to improve well-being, taking the time to meditate each day will be a worthwhile endeavor.

Have you tried mindfulness practices to help with anxiety? How did it work for you?

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Jessica Birg is a Clinical Psychology PhD student and artist.