What Overthinking Means to Me
The idea of writing about my journey with overthinking is daunting, because it has become so engrained in my daily life that I find it difficult to distinguish from any sense of “normalcy” that my brain may possess.
How would I describe overthinking? Well, basically my mind is on overdrive all the time. I think sentences ahead of myself (even while writing), and at the same time judging what I have just said, done, or written.
The quest of finding reasons for the origin of feeling this way is complicated. I have been diagnosed with many mental health disorders during my life and I have a hard time identifying which parts of my thinking are disordered and which are just unique – because I believe there is a difference.
Am I just a highly sensitive person? Or are these patterns symptoms of other problems? Can both be true? Because of my tendency of black and white thinking, it is tough to reconcile the two.
Is overthinking inherently negative? I mean, to me, the short answer is yes. But I would be remiss to dismiss any possible positive consequences. There are many times where multi-tasking is a necessary part of life. In times of hectic stress, the ability to have multiple wheels turning may be beneficial at the least to life-saving at the most.
For example, I came across a fallen bicyclist the other day. He had crashed in the middle of traffic. Most cars continued their commute while few observers stopped. I sprung into action as we went to check on the injured man. Immediately my brain started making checklists of what we had to do to handle the situation. It looked something like this:
Block traffic
Call 911
Reassure cyclist of his safety
Move belongings & bicycle off of the road
Liaise with other concerned citizens
Confirm with self that the situation is under control
As you read that without feeling the urgency of the situation, perhaps that list seems simple. Having to create it in seconds during a high stress scenario feels a lot different. To me, that list came almost automatically because of my tendency to overthink.
The negative parts of overthinking include hypervigilance. This means that both my mind and body are on high alert at all times. I am extra sensitive to sounds and lights as well.
Consequently, my energy is zapped from being in this constant state. I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling truly rested and that energy lasted for the duration of the day. If I get any less than 8 hours of sleep per night I am almost unable to function.
The multitude of topics that are constantly bouncing from one to another are nearly impossible to keep track of. There’s that old arcade game where you’re supposed to stop multiple balls from falling with only a small bar at the bottom. That’s how my brain feels. Many good ideas are likely lost because I can’t concentrate on one thing at a time – especially for long periods of time.
Another aspect of overthinking for me is catastrophizing anxiety. The combination of my anxiety disorders with overthinking means that I am always trying to prepare for any and all bad situations to alleviate my fears. Much of my brain power is spent attempting to calm these fears. I would likely be able to get more done without this.
This leads to the next problem: a lack of a productivity because of all the noise in my head. If you take all of the stuff I’ve been able to come up with just for this post (hypervigilance, exhaustion, concentration struggles, catastrophizing) that doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Yet, I some how manage to adequately perform at a fulltime job. Nevertheless, I wonder about the untapped potential being destroyed by the unnecessary draining of my mental energy.
There are no definitive conclusions to come to at the end of this article. This journey with overthinking has shown mostly negative effects on my life – although I do not know what life would be like without it. It could be markedly better, or even worse. Sometimes the things we think are causing us the most troubles are actually vital to our beings. So, I will not jump to complete conclusions about my overthinking – it’s this mindfulness stuff, ya know? I am aware it is there and will take steps to better myself according to what I need at the time. I think it’s about the only thing I can do.
Paige Kezima (she/her) spent her childhood on a farm on Treaty 4 territory in rural Saskatchewan. She moved to Regina, Saskatchewan in 2008 to pursue post-secondary education. Paige is passionate about mental health advocacy and has had personal pieces published in The Mighty and Sick Not Weak. She volunteered for the Schizophrenia Society of Saskatchewan’s Partnership Program where she shared her experience living with a mental illness.