Explore how anxiety can show up in your life, work, and relationships
Read on
Try: Having a Conversation Outside Your Comfort Zone
I'd rather text too, btw. Always. Maybe text to hang out, then try the comfort zone convo?
If you don't usually reveal much about how you're feeling, try sharing something. If you're an over-revealer, sit back and learn about something new. If you talk to hide discomfort, try being quiet to see what happens. If you hate talking....you get the picture.
Get over the initial discomfort. Break the action down into something super small...one small comfort zone step at a time.
If this experiment works for you, hit the heart to let others know they should give it a try!
Try to: Structure Your Eating
This one came from Abdullah Alhomoud, whose essay is part of the Beautiful Voyager Medium publication. He says,
I work out, so I eat to build muscle. Seeing direct results from eating means I will keep eating enough and eating right. It gives me control over something I can control (my body), which helps with anxiety.
Disordered eating is an umbrella term that refers to a variety of eating behaviors. The experiment here is to try to create regularity and structure in your eating. Set clear goals, and remove choas and confusion when possible.
(Note: I try to do that by streamlining my decisions. This insightful article, by The New Yorker's Maria Konnikova, explains why I always that's important to me.)
If this experiment works for you, hit the heart to let others know they should give it a try!
Try to: Seek Out Art
Nearly every book about meditation, mindfulness, and anxiety says the same thing: Bear in mind that you're not alone. It's a hard thing to feel, though. Does reading these words on the page from me, or even knowing I've felt some of the things you have, really make you feel less alone? This is where art like music, reading, or theater help (at least, those are the things that help me--everyone is different). In the past, I've pushed them down the priority list. Putting this on the list is a way of saying: for me, art is key to turning down the volume knob on anxiety.
If this experiment works for you, hit the heart to let others know they should give it a try!
Try: Morning Pages
In my favorite orange chair vacuuming my brain.
It's a simple concept: grab a notebook and write out 3 pages in the morning when you first wake up, longhand. Write anything that comes to mind. Do no more than 3 pages, no less. You'll be amazed at how releasing your own stream-of-consciousness clears your mind for the day. I recycle the notebooks once they're full.
If this experiment works for you, hit the heart to let others know they should give it a try!
The Best Little Boy: How Growing Up in the Bronx in the 70s Led to Perfectionism
When Victor reached out to me about this project, the pieces started to fall into place. The way he had run himself into the ground while making everyone around him happy (and love him). His success with his business. His focus and determination. Yep, this was a fellow voyager alright. We met here in San Francisco on Mission St for chai, and I got incredible insight in Victor's background. I asked him if he'd be willing to talk more about the things he's learned in the hopes of clarifying things for others. I learned about his childhood growing up in the Bronx and how it led him to perfectionism.
Welcome to the third installment of Tales of the Wave. In this series, I’ll share recent conversations with friends and acquaintances whose insight about the wave might help you, too.
Bronx best boy-in-training. Victor B at 4 years old.
He was Dr. B when I met him. He was great at his job—diligent, detailed, and genuinely interested in everyone around him. Victor B loved his work and his practice, which he had built from the ground up.
Two years ago, along with the rest of his patients, I was shocked to hear that Victor was leaving his practice. Crippling physical pain had stopped him from being able to continue his work. It was terrible news.
When he reached out to me about this project, the pieces started to fall into place. The way he ran himself into the ground while making everyone around him happy (and love him). His success with his business. His focus and determination. Yep, this was a fellow voyager alright. We met here in San Francisco on Mission St for chai, and I learned more about Victor's background. I asked if he'd be willing to talk publicly about the things he's learned in the hopes of clarifying things for others, and this conversation is the result.
I'm so thankful to Victor for his openness and strength. These things aren't easy to talk about. Sharing them often brings up its own anxieties and black holes in our stomachs. Thank you, Victor! I hope that sharing will prove rewarding in the end.—Meredith
Me: When we spoke, you educated me about the writer Andrew Tobias's notion of The Best Little Boy in the World. Can you talk about how that book affected you? How did growing up gay when you did affect your anxiety? Has it changed as our culture has changed?
Victor: I think a lot of my anxiety stems from the same place. It starts with the question: What will people think of me if...? The "if's" are many. The biggest one was: What if they find out I am gay?
My biggest fear was rejection. They won't love me, they won't like me, they will be mad at me, they will think something is wrong with me, they will be embarrassed by me. The list goes on...and on...and on...
I simply always felt and believed I was not good enough. I don't like to put it all on being gay, but it honestly did do a number on me given I was always trying to hide the person I really was. The Best Little Boy in the World definitely helped put things in perspective. But I didn't learn about the book or idea until I was in my second round of therapy in my early 40's. I think having an older gay man as my therapist at the time helped quite a bit.
Growing up in the Bronx in an Italian-American, Catholic home the message was clear...it is wrong to be gay. Were these words ever directly spoken? I can't say. But I absolutely understood it and moreover, I believed it was true.
Where did the message come from? Hearing the men in my family talking; hearing my brother and his friends talking; the implied expectations of being a male...when you should be dating, who you should be attracted to, games and sports to play, also games and things you should not be playing with...even television shows and movies poked fun at the effeminate/gay characters. Attending Catholic schools through high school, and attending church regularly...the message of Catholicism was clear: to be a homosexual is a sin.
My family was very actively involved in our church. Alter boys, lectors, ushers. Imagine my confusion as an alter boy, standing on the alter serving mass, and at the same time feeling such attraction to my fellow alter boys, priests and men in the congregation.
To conceal my true self, I truly became the "best little boy": A-student, perfectionist, mommy's helper, meticulously clean, neat and organized. By excelling, I was hoping to distract anyone from discovering my secret...or stopping them from questioning who I was.
My other big source of anxiety is/was worry. I have a tendency to want to take care of everyone and "fix it" as best I can. I make everyone else feel good. This often time resulted in making myself the sacrificial lamb and thereby being taken advantage of both emotionally and, in some cases, financially.
Not having a true sense of self allowed me to put everyone else first. It was easier.
Me: Do you know other "best boys"? Is the behavior talked about openly?
Victor: I really do not? I have touched on the topic with some friends, but I don't think many people know about it. Each experience growing up feeling "different" varies. We all have the same story of hiding the truth for as long as we could.
Me: What would you say to young kids who feel the best boy traits within themselves? Do you have any advice for them?
Victor: Absolutely! Be true to yourself and honest with those who love you. Do not fear rejection! Everyone who loves you will continue to do so. If they don't, then it is not your place to change their beliefs or perspective.
Continue to be the person you are. If they cannot see the beauty in you, move on. It's their loss. They don't deserve you, and have no right to make you feel bad about yourself and who you are. You do not have to do anything or try and be a "best boy" in order to "make up" for being gay. Being gay is not a bad thing. It is a beautiful thing. Who you love does not matter. How you love yourself makes you the best person you can possibly be. This will allow you to form deep and true friendships and relationships with everyone in your world...from family members to friends, classmates and colleagues.
Oh how I wish someone would have said that to me about 45 years ago!!
Thank you to Victor B and all of the other "best boys" out there who push their way through the confusion to forge their own paths. Your work is helping others in ways that might even surprise you.
Originally published May 12, 2016. Updated April 17, 2017.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
This was the first piece I wrote about GAD. It appeared on Medium and the Huffington Post. I wanted to reach people who were Googling the hell out of their keyboards and not finding the information they were looking for. That's how I felt when I was first diagnosed.
objects in mirror are closer than they appear
Note: This was originally published in Oct 2015.
When I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (by a neurologist in the middle of a migraine appointment), I thought, “Great! Search terms! Let’s get cozy, Google.”
But I was wrong to assume simple screen time was going to help me find my path with my anxiety disorder. I found little online that informed me in any real way. For one thing, the word “worry” was used again and again. At the time, worry wasn’t what I did or how I identified. Thinking and overthinking, yes. Worry, no.
I know this feeling.
A few months after my July diagnosis, in Sept 2015, the tennis player Mardy Fish wrote a great essay that captures the experience of anxiety in vivid detail. At one point he sums it up: “I was, objectively, doing great. And looking back, I wish I had been able to tell myself that. But doing great wasn’t something that my frame of mind back then had time to process. All I could focus on was doing better. It was a double-edged sword.”
By the time I read Fish’s piece, he was confirming something I already knew. I’d talked to many people to piece together what GAD meant, found a book that helped a lot, and started to figure out my own particular form of anxiety for myself.
The goal of this short FAQ is to help people like me when they’re just beginning their journey. You may be realizing you have anxiety. Maybe you’ve been told that that you’re exhibiting some of the symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If you are Googling the hell out of your keyboard right now and not finding answers to your questions, welcome, fellow mind traveller.
Q. What is Generalized Anxiety Disorder, exactly?
A. You’ve probably been researching this topic, so I’m not going to give you the same bland answer you’ve already seen about how it’s a psychological disorder characterized by excess “worry” particularly about work, finances, and relationships. I will say that some of the people I know with GAD didn’t know they had it for a long time. They didn’t characterize themselves as “worriers.” Books and doctors tell you that GAD means you worry about worry, but if you don’t even consider it worry, that doesn’t help. And if you are so habituated to pushing away the worry as a coping mechanism, then again, talking in those terms just leads to more trouble.
For me, GAD meant that I was overthinking nearly everything in my life, scrupulously trying to figure it all out. If a problem came up, I’d write it down and begin my crazed attack in every direction. It also meant I had a ton of crippling shoulder and neck pain. I’d be nauseated frequently, especially on buses. I’d get dizzy occasionally, almost to the point of fainting.It was the physical symptoms that led my neurologist to know I had GAD.
Q. Can a person have GAD and not know it?
A. Absolutely. It’s common for people who have GAD to see many doctors before they get properly diagnosed. Gastroenterologist, chiropractor, neurologist, acupuncturist, and gynecologist offices are some of the common stops along the path to diagnosis.
Q. Is it hereditary?
A. I don’t know if this is everyone’s question, but it was one of mine. I wanted to understand where GAD was coming from. Yes, there is a genetic component. As is often the case, that’s only one part of the equation. You may have genetic roots and predisposition to anxiety disorders, but they are also triggered by environmental factors. The death of a loved one, divorce, the sudden loss of a job or your house, or a big change in circumstance can bring on episodic fare-up of GAD.
Q: If it flares up, does that mean it’s dormant at other times?
A: My understanding (I’m a patient, not a doctor!), is that you’re predisposed to GAD, but with proper treatment, you can bring your symptoms into check. But since you are predisposed to this condition, when things happen to you, you will be more likely to have bigger anxiety responses than other people. I almost think of it as a GAD sine wave, and the equation is your life, and what’s happening in it.
Q. How messed up are you, exactly? Please be specific.
A. Very recent example:
ugh
We have had a few ants in the bathroom lately. They appeared to be coming through the window. “We should probably replace the window,” was my immediate thought, and suggestion to my husband, even though we can’t afford it.
I don’t see 5–10 ants. I see the inevitable 100–200 ants that I imagine will invade and eventually carry off our house. It’s very hard for me to deal with the here and now when I am catastrophizing. (That’s a cognitive distortion. Learning to recognize cognitive distortions is one important element of cognitive behavioral therapy, the best method for treating GAD.)
A friend put it well: “I realized that I did everything in a rush. Even simple things like brushing my teeth or making coffee. And 80 percent of what I do on a typical day does not require hurrying and rushing. That creates a lot of stress and worry throughout the day.” I know exactly what he means. I sometimes have the feeling that if I don’t get whatever small household task done at any given moment, the world might end. GADs are not known for their patience.
The worst era of my anxiety disorder was the time before I knew I had it. I knew something was wrong, but not what. I desperately wanted to figure it out. I’d go down every known avenue trying to get an answer. My diagnosis was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I am very thankful for it.
Q. If I have GAD, how do I make it go away? Does it last forever?
A. Here’s my thinking on it. The ideal situation is that I’m able to ride the wave. Maybe even get to the point where I can hang in the lull for a long time with little anxiety. When stressful things happen, I expect that my particular gremlin will poke his head out of the wave’s crest. Knowing what to do with him and that I’ve survived his visits before helps a lot.
how I ride the sine wave
Meditation. Medication. A moderate amount of reading and learning (in other words, don’t overdo it). Communication.
Q. Can anyone develop it? What’s the line between having it and just being a regular stressed out American?
A. Right now, I am seeing the world through anxiety-tinted lenses, so I tend to see anxiety in a lot of people around me. Ultimately, though, the difference between regular anxiety, stress, and GAD comes down to degree. Most people aren’t fainting or getting up in the middle of the night. Most don’t need neck rubs every day. And most aren’t negatively predicting the outcomes of regular social interactions in a way that adds extra stress to daily life.
One of my friends, who learned through my experience that he has GAD too, said, “I tend to project into the future as I experience almost everything. And I’m often planning how to deal with some negative turn of events that might happen in the future, but most likely never will. So I’m worrying in the present about something that will never happen in the future.” If that sounds familiar, you might want to read more about Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Q. Is this what has been wrong with me?
A. I can’t tell you that, but I can tell you that if anything that I’ve said has rung true, a great place to start is the book The Worry Cure. Don’t think about the title too much and don’t think about the word “worry.” Just investigate your physical symptoms through the lens of your thoughts, and see if what this book has to say relates to you. If not, then you don’t have GAD.
Q. Will I ever feel better?
A. I believe that you will feel better if you have GAD. This is a hard won statement coming from me. I am a skeptic and not one to placate you, reader. But I think that simply the fact of you reading this means that you are going to feel better.
Q. How do you know?
A. Times are changing. People are talking openly about depression, anxiety, and other forms of mental suffering in a way that they never did when I was in my 20s. I’m so glad to see it on behalf of my 5-year-old daughter. The more people speak openly about the spectrum of mental conditions, the more they can be helped earlier on.
I wouldn’t have dreamed of writing something this personal just one year ago. I now feel as though my anxiety needs to be an integrated part of me in order to be managed in a healthy way. I hope that others will feel that way too.
Q: What should I do if I’m a friend or family member of a Gaddie?
A: I feel for you. It’s not easy to deal with an anxious person, especially at the high pitch levels that people with GAD specialize in.
Yeah, I could see where Bob was coming from.
It’s hard to avoid the role of friend-therapist. You might find yourself talking your friend down and trying to give them a more realistic view of their surroundings. The goal is to help them build those muscles for themselves without exhausting yourself. Bottom line: get the oxygen mask on yourself first.
On the other hand, it can also be confusing because GAD often presents as perfectionism, or invulnerability. How do you help someone who doesn’t seem to need help? Take in the information you have and tune in to your instincts. Is the person talking super fast? Are they in a lot of physical pain? Do they seem complainy? If so, they may need to learn to tune in to how they are responding to the world around them. As a friend, you can help by gently encouraging them to go easy on themselves and stay grounded in the moment. Send them a link to this piece. Do it with love.
Originally published on Oct 15, 2015 on Medium and Huffington Post. Updated April 8, 2017.
The Fidget Cube and 5 Ancient Ways to Goof Around in a Relaxing Way
A lunchtime discussion with my coworkers about the Fidget Cube (which is kicking ass on Kickstarter) and the role of fidgeting in stress & anxiety.
Together we discussed these methods — most of which have been around for centuries — that help with busy hands, busy minds.
Also, just updated! Now includes photos and videos of the fidget cube in action.
A Whole New Level of Fidgeting
A lunchtime discussion with my coworkers about the Fidget Cube (which is kicking ass on Kickstarter) and the role of fidgeting in stress & anxiety.
Together we discussed these methods — most of which have been around for centuries — that help with busy hands, busy minds.
Go to the bottom to see more of the Fidget cube in action!
1. Baoding Balls: Here’s what they are. And this video shows some crazy baoding action.
2. Worry Stones: Many different countries have some version of this, according to wikipedia.
3. Dorodango: What are dorodango, you ask? Glad you asked.
4. Worry Beads: They’re a Greek thing. It’s interesting how every photo of a Greek person shows them “doing” the worry beads behind their back. Would like more info on this.
loud method worry beads
Quiet method worry beads
Note: Keep your fidget things in Zen singing bowl. Every time you put something in it, it makes a lovely sound.
My coworker's new fidget cube. He contributed to the Kickstarter, so this is almost like a prototype.
Now that the fidget cube is a real thing being used by real hands, it's interesting to hear feedback about the feelings that the different elements give a fidgeter.
My friend and coworker JB mentioned that he like the "zen stone" side for chilling out, whereas the bright green switch, though great for anxious fidgeting, is a little loud. You can see him in action (along with another coworker, Lucas) in these little videos from Snapchat.
Originally published September 9, 2016 on The Beautiful Voyager Medium publication. Updated April 7, 2017 when my coworker got the Fidget cube and started playing with it!
Recommended Reading List for Anxiety Newbies
The top 5 books that are helpful for dealing with anxiety. I've referred to this list before, but this is the first time it's available as a stand-alone post.
Books are listed in order of preference (tho they are all great), and broken down by usefulness.
I was recently asked for some pretty basic advice from a friend who thinks her bf is dealing with anxiety, possibly GAD, and needs a plan of attack. In formulating my answer for her, I realized that I didn't have a recommended reading list readily available to share here, so I wanted to create that now. This is in order that I would tackle it if I were just getting a basic lay of the land.
#1: The Best Lay of the Land Book
The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy
I'm not a huge fan of the title, since I think the word worry is a big turn-off and confusing for a lot of overthinkers. But overlook that, cause this really is the book to start with. It lays a great foundation, especially for people who are just starting to get their head around the whole "I have anxiety" thing.
#2: The Best "Get me out of this Repeating Cycle Now" Book
McDonagh is an Irish psychologist who suffered from years of panic attacks and anxiety. He's figured out an approach that works through his own experience and trial and error. He's helped hundreds of people, and I know in my gut that he's on to something.
Anxiety is not something to be avoided or treated like an illness. It can make us feel like shit, but it's only through lived physical experience and acclimatization that we can improve our responses to the world around us.
#3: The Best Book with Worksheets in It
Mind over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky
This was one of 2 books my neurologist initially handed me when she told me she thought I had GAD. In essence, it's a basic primer for CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy.
The worksheets are a crucial part of CBT and are incredibly helpful for those of us who are dealing with cognitive distortions like catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking.
#4 The Best Book If You Also Have Physical Pain
The Mindbody Prescription by John Sarno (the famous back guy)
This book lays it all out: an M.D. shares years of experience to try to convince people that our bodies and emotions are truly connected.
It's the other book my neurologist first handed me that fateful appointment.
#5 The Best Retro Book That Is Still Relevant
I first heard about this through podcaster/productivity/former Ohioan Merlin Mann . Mann credits this book with opening his eyes, which I think is a good reminder than different books will speak to different people. This is another book about CBT and it's well-written, with tons of specific examples. It says depression but don't let that trip you up, CBT holds for anx too.
#6 The Book I Haven't Read But I've Heard Great Things About
Learning to Embrace the Fear by Judith Semis and Amr Barrada
"In the fall and winter of 2013-14 I had awful anxiety and panic attacks. This book really helped me. It runs through some mindfulness techniques and how to talk to others about your anxiety and how to overcome and deal with your anxieties. It was amazing." - Eva K, Minnesotan in San Francisco working in the philanthropy sector.
Keep the suggestions coming!
Would love to share what's worked with you with others.
Originally published August 9, 2016. Updated April 7, 2017.