Love in Tough Times: How to Help Your Partner Deal with Anxiety

Advice from two guys with years of experience.

The bear I live with.

My friend Kate and I were discussing an important, under-explored perspective of anxiety: the partner's. 

Those of us with anxiety often have husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates, or  best friends who have been forced to  learned right alongside us. It can be just as much of a struggle for them as it is for us.

Here are some of the smaller gestures that have worked for us from our caring, smart partners. This is really their list, not ours.

Break the Cycle

1. "I find that if I'm getting caught in my own thoughts and spiraling up, my husband has learned to come along and take the iPhone from me, or the spoon from my hand if I'm cooking, and squeeze my shoulder. The physical grounding brings me back to the moment."

2. "I get a gentle nudge to take care of myself. He may offer to take care of our kid so that I can exercise, sleep, take a bath, etc, reminding me that I need to focus on my health.

3. "Sometimes, sadly, I need more than a nudge. I feel bad about it, but I am so appreciative that there are times when my partner just tells me (lovingly) to go to bed. I need the sleep, and to get out of the loop, but it's hard for me to realize it in the moment. Ditto take a walk and get out of my head."

4. "I've noticed that a change in environment is huge for me. My husband will get us out of the house. I don't know if it's the barometric pressure or the body temperature change or what, but when I feel the woods breeze on my skin, I immediately start to feel better."

5. "My partner has helped figure out what I describe as 'two sentences' or 'mantra' on certain topics. When I get stuck, he reminds me what my two sentences are, and they help me get unstuck. My favorite lately is 'Close and delete.' I say it constantly, and it works.'"

 Thanks to the partners and friends everywhere for taking care of us and loving us. 

6. "This one is really hard but it works so well for me. If someone can make me laugh about my catastrophizing, while still understanding it, I instantly feel better. 'Yes, the garbage outside looks fuller than usual for garbage day. Maybe it will start to pile up and take over our house! The street! The neighborhood!' Once I start laughing, I'm feeling better.'"

7. "The 20-second (minimum) hug, proven to release oxytocin."

8. "He picks me up and cracks my back."

9. This one came in from Facebook from Angela, and I really liked it because it brings up another angle entirely--parenting! "Along with hugs, this kid's book has some helpful tips (for all ages): A Boy and A Bear, by Lori Lite." I found a video version of the book here on Youtube. It's incredibly relaxing.

This post was originally published February 7, 2016, then updated on March 24, 2018.

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What do you do to help your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse with anxiety? Share in the comments!

Recommended Reading List for Anxiety Newbies

I was recently asked for some pretty basic advice from a friend who thinks her bf is dealing with anxiety, possibly GAD, and needs a plan of attack. In formulating my answer for her, I realized that I didn't have a recommended reading list readily available to share here, so I wanted to create that now. This is in order that I would tackle it if I were just getting a basic lay of the land.

#1: The Best Lay of the Land Book

The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy 

I'm not a huge fan of the title, since I think the word worry is a big turn-off and confusing for a lot of overthinkers. But overlook that, cause this really is the book to start with. It lays a great foundation, especially for people who are just starting to get their head around the whole "I have anxiety" thing.

#2: The Best "Get me out of this Repeating Cycle Now" Book

DARE by Barry McDonagh

McDonagh is an Irish psychologist who suffered from years of panic attacks and anxiety. He's figured out an approach that works through his own experience and trial and error. He's helped hundreds of people, and I know in my gut that he's on to something.  

Anxiety is not something to be avoided or treated like an illness. It can make us feel like shit, but it's only through lived physical experience and acclimatization that we can improve our responses to the world around us.

#3: The Best Book with Worksheets in It

Mind over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky

This was one of 2 books my neurologist initially handed me when she told me she thought I had GAD. In essence, it's a basic primer for CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy.

The worksheets are a crucial part of CBT and are incredibly helpful for those of us who are dealing with cognitive distortions like catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking.

#4 The Best Book If You Also Have Physical Pain

The Mindbody Prescription by John Sarno (the famous back guy)

This book lays it all out: an M.D. shares years of experience to try to convince people that our bodies and emotions are truly connected.

It's the other book my neurologist first handed me that fateful appointment.

#5 The Best Retro Book That Is Still Relevant

Feeling Good by David Burns

I first heard about this through podcaster/productivity/former Ohioan Merlin Mann . Mann credits this book with opening his eyes, which I think is a good reminder than different books will speak to different people. This is another book about CBT and it's well-written, with tons of specific examples. It says depression but don't let that trip you up, CBT holds for anx too.

#6 The Book I Haven't Read But I've Heard Great Things About

Learning to Embrace the Fear by Judith Semis and Amr Barrada

"In the fall and winter of 2013-14 I had awful anxiety and panic attacks. This book really helped me. It runs through some mindfulness techniques and how to talk to others about your anxiety and how to overcome and deal with your anxieties. It was amazing." - Eva K, Minnesotan in San Francisco working in the philanthropy sector.

Keep the suggestions coming!

Would love to share what's worked with you with others.

Originally published August 9, 2016. Updated April 7, 2017.

How to Process Communal Disbelief and Shock

Something terrible has happened. Everyone is upset. What now?

Let's start by trying to find perspective. Ask yourself these questions:

What can you change?

Remember: You have an extremely limited ability to affect change regarding what's happened. You have a limitless capacity to worry. Identify what you can and can't change, then create your own personal lines of engagement. Stick with what you can change. Let go of the rest.

Who do you need to protect?

Who I care about most.

• If you have a child, it's up to you to protect them from the pain you're feeling and adult perspective you have. This means using tactics to help protect your own mental health in order to protect theirs.
• At times of crisis, focus on the people you care about most in order to refocus yourself on something positive and good.

Otherwise, who wins?

Do not let racism, misogyny, and ignorance indirectly affect you by thinking about them all the time. Refocusing is crucial for your mental health.

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What your actions looks like, tactically.

Vent.

As much as needed, but in safe places. In person venting is ideal. Be creative when you can--make yourself and others laugh through the pain.

Find Mental Distance.

Remember when you were young, and politics was at best an afterthought? Did you have a period like that in your life?

Go back to it.

Take a long view. 

What would a 90 year-old say?

Avoid the news and social media as much as possible.

It can't actually help right now.

Send positivity to others and feel connected to them.

Smiles from the members of Facebook group Pantsuit Nation.

This morning I smiled at every non-white face I saw. Because if it's hard to be me this morning, it's even harder to be them. Imagine feeling directly targeted. Protect your fellow citizens by sending them positive feelings and feeling them in return.

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I'm writing this because I'm working to process it myself. Attempting to cobble together tactics helps me find a way to help protect myself at a difficult time. I would love to hear what's working for others in the upcoming days and weeks. Share here in comments or in Bevoya Haus.

Survey Says

A couple of weeks ago, I ran a survey on The Beautiful Voyager newsletter and Facebook page to get to know what everyone's needs were. I told you that I would share the results when they were in. The time for that sharing is....now.

Since I have nothing to hide from you, fellow voyagers, I will tell you exactly what people said and how I interpreted it. It's always interesting to get feedback and try to understand it. Even moreso when it's about a topic like stress and overthinking! See what you think.

Survey Sent: July 19, 2016

Number of Responses: 13 (More qualitative than quantitative information, in other words)

Level of appreciation I have for every single person who responded: Very high.

#1: How did you hear about the BV?

Responses, and my read on them: How could I have forgotten to include Anchor in the list? We had 4 write-ins for Anchor, almost as many as "I know you Meredith, you crazy cat," the top response. One person found the BV through FB and one through Medium. One from a friend and one from "I can't remember but something on the Internet let me to you."

My read: People find the project in lots of ways. The strongest bond will be people who have heard my voice, prolly.

#2: Do you ever seek out the site or FB page?

Answers: This one happily surprised me! 76% DO seek out the BV. 24% say I stalk them, hahaha. I love all of the responders.

#3: What feelings do you associate with the BV?

Answers: This one really intrigued me. Since I am trying to do the Reverse Buzzkill en masse, I had no clue how this was going to go down. Here are the results: Joy came in first with 63%, Pressure or Anxiety second with 45%, then Excitement with 36%, and stress and boredom just had one response each. People could answer more than 1 (we are an ambivalent bunch).

My read: I am mostly accomplishing my aim! YAY!

#4: Do you know what you'd like from the BV, in terms of information or experience?

Answers: Tips was the big winner here, with 66%. Resource ideas was a close second. Blog Posts came in with 50%, Interview 41%, 3 darling responders said it was perfect as it was, and just one person said events.

My read: The events thing is interesting, because on Facebook I have people signing up for possible events. You can rest assured that the event I am thinking of doing is very, very, extremely low-pressure. No one would have to make small talk with anyone else. It would kind of defeat the point right? It was helpful to see how much people want tips. I love bite-sized info too and will keep scouring for it.

#5: What's your favorite thing you read or learned from the BV? Or an experience you had?

Answers: This was an open form answer, and I loved, loved what people said, so I'll share here:

• I love the tongue in cheek humor. Also that there's a community here.
• That there are others like me out there.
• seeing an article or blog where the feelings I feel were described - realizing it's not just me!
• I think just the sense of community, that I'm not alone in these struggles
• Lighthouse map -- feeling of community
• It makes me feel more "normal" - whatever that means. It associates anxiety with other qualities, like overthinking or being highly sensitive, which makes anxiety feel less like a singular way to define myself.
• Article shares
• How to interview well
• Anxiety
• I love connecting with others in the BV community. It has been a great resource to feel part of a community that understands me.
• Just knowing others are out there, and that there's is a community, is pretty awesome!
• The Slack channel is nice for connecting with others.

What can I say? I love you guys!

#6: Do you know what the term "overthinker" means?

Answers: All but 2 people said yes. Those who said no responded: "Truthfully, no. But I know people who are prone to anxiety and worry are part of it." and "In my mind, it's someone others might call "sensitive." Always analyzing everything to the point of exhaustion, often involving self doubt."

My read: Relieved. I rely on this word to fill the gap between all of the other things we are...to try to simplify the concept to find others...so knowing that most people get it meant a lot to me.

#7: What words do you use to describe yourself ("overthinker," "I have anxiety" "I am a highly sensitive person" etc)

Answers:

• empathetic, bleeding heart, jumpy, tense; my brain is hurting me.
• Anxious, hyper-sensitive.
• focus-challenged, anxious, and sometimes introverted
• Sensitive, "too nice" (thanks mom), anxious
• I have occasional anxiety and an overthinking kid
• Anxious, highly sensitive, stressed out
• Highly sensitive
• I have frequent bouts of social anxiety
• Sensitive person
• Im an overly anxious person.
• overthinker and anxiety
• Anxious, sensitive
• Highly sensitive person. I actually find overthinker a little confusing/offputting because I've worked really hard to not think so much and feel/intuit instead.

My take: I'm really aware of the words we use to describe ourselves, and I can see the power of not using any words at all. Ultimately, we're verbs, not nouns. But this was helpful and insightful to see. I hope reading this list doesn't bum anyone out too much. You're all pretty awesome in my book.

#8: How likely is it that you would recommend The Beautiful Voyager to a friend or colleague?

Answers: This is a question I included out of curiosity because it is an official question called The Net Promoter Score. It's a score that someone (who??) has said determines the health of a site. Here's how it works:

The Detractors cancel out the Promoters, and the Passives are neutral. You're given an ultimate number on a scale of -100 to 100. If you got all detractors, you'd have a -100. If you got only Promoters, you'd have a 100.

The first response I got was a Detractor. I took an audible intake of air when I saw it. I just didn't expect it. But then I remembered, "It's only data, Meredith. You are here to learn." So I just waited. Here's how it all played out: I got 54% Promoters, 38% Passives, and 8% (that one response) Detractors. My final number was 46. 

Here are some industry benchmarks:

Depending on where we place the BV, with this small qualitative data, it's doing just fine.

Have I said thank you enough to each of the 13 respondents of the survey? I will be doing these every 6 months or so and sharing the results.  Let me just say it one more time:

A Very Homespun Non-Infographic about Overthinking Social Media

I had a conversation with Daniel Gehant of Copper Insights about how hard it can be to find your way on the voice-only app we both love, Anchor. I described my usual social media cycle: "START--------It hurts! It's embarrassing! OUCH------What am I saying?! I don't like this?! No one likes me!?!--------good feedback, slowly putting ourselves out there----I think I'm getting stronger-------I feel better, and I'm taking risks--------OUCH, backstep-------Nope, I'm definitely taking more risks and feeling better-----------END."

He said, "That would make a nice infographic."

Since I'm not a designer (how many ways can I say that?), my version of an infographic looks like Keynote:

Overthinking Social Media, A Non-Infographic.

I'm sharing it despite its homespun qualities because that's the whole point! Less fear, more exploring. Keep posting, fellow Beautiful Voyagers.

Which Bowie Song Are You Today?

Big Hint about my choice. 

When I feel weird or unclear or disconnected, I go back to the basics.

Bowie is my basics.

This morning, in the middle of asking myself too many big questions, I stopped and refocused on the basics.

I asked Anchor: Which Bowie song are you today? The songs that began pouring in (and are continuing to), made me so happy. (But of course they did.)

I’m ready to get to work.

[Note: As you listen, you’ll hear people’s usernames and then a little burbling sound in between every song. That’s how it’s supposed to work.]

Contributors

• CW Daly of Coral Springs, Florida
• Clay of ?
• Tosh Polak of Amsterdam, The Netherlands
• Laura Moscatello of Anchorage, Alaska
• Neil of Sheffield, England
• Poker Man of ?
• Sylvia of The Netherlands
• Ross Cahill of somewhere in Ireland

A New App Called Anchor & The Power of Vulnerability to Heal Stress

The director of the 1959 comedy Pillow Talk loved the split screen technique. Is this why he chose a script about a party line, perhaps?

At 7:08 AM this morning my 6-year-old daughter see-sawed on the edge of a temper tantrum. She didn’t want to be standing on a cold wooden floor in her nightgown. She was ready to fight every to-do on the unhappy Monday morning list scrolling out in front of her.

Don’t underestimate the strength of a cranky cowgirl.

As she started to howl I took a deep breath and said, “I’m actually kind of nervous.” She stopped and looked at me with a mixture of surprise and skepticism. “Why are you nervous?” she asked.

“I’m going to have to start looking for a job soon,” I said. “I don’t want people to reject me and say no.”

“Well if they do…you just keep asking until someone says yes.” She walked to the dresser and grinned. Then suddenly she was putting on her pants.

Wait, what happened there? Why was she able to interrupt her tantrum to help me? And why did that, in turn, seem to make her feel better?

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hey, whatcha talking about on that party line?

For a little over a week, I’ve been logging (many) hours on a new app called Anchor. It calls itself “radio by the people.” In truth, it’s more like those telephone party lines from the 60s moved to a beautiful shiny new modern home. The fun and simplicity of the app belies something deep that’s taking place there every day.

But first, a look at Anchor and how it works.

It starts with speaking out loud to your phone. You record a 2-min-or-under message and then you caption it. Here’s an example of one of mine. (This is what it looks like if you hit one of the discussions from social media, i.e. you’re not a user and you’ve just had a wave shared with you):

https://anchor.fm/w/9AA2D0

If you’re a member of the community and using the app itself, this is what that same discussion looks like:

You play through each response in order, scrolling down and responding as you go if you choose. As you can see, it’s an asynchronous spoken conversation with people who start as strangers. (That just sounded like the beginning of an 80s sitcom. Cue Balki Bartokomous.)

Anchor is being used in all sorts of ways. And here’s where it gets interesting for someone examining the role of anxiety in our culture. Anchor is particularly revealing about the transformative power of vulnerability.

I surely don’t have to convince you that stress and anxiety are issues facing America today. We live in an era where people are always looking for new ways to escape. The entire Trump campaign is a barnacle that is capitalizing off of the human desire for relief and escape from stress.

This is how Anchor fits in: In the two weeks I’ve used it, I’ve received more clearer and more direct objective perspectives on my thoughts and feelings than on any of the other platforms combined. The people I’ve met are funny, smart, and thoughtful. We’re from a wide variety of backgrounds. We all share something in common: we want to share our experiences to help others and we want to keep the conversations real. It's the interplay of helping others and being helped through new perspectives that leads to a true calming of stress symptoms.

Growing up in the Midwest as a Gen X’er, stoicism and individualism were highly prized and coveted traits. If you felt undue stress or needed help, you’d do it privately, seeking out an “expert.” My experience on Anchor reinforces for me that things are changing. We’re now looking for help in all directions. We know that by helping others, we help ourselves, and that it feels good. Anchor creates a space for an easy give-and-take — especially for people who are willing to be vulnerable. Since the help many of us need is to trust ourselves, learning to be vulnerable is an important first step. Vulnerability is a daunting challenge for the anxious and stressed among us.

This brings us back to my daughter and this morning. What was it about me revealing my nervousness that immediately calmed her down?

I have a few speculations. By revealing myself, I may have helped her:

- Feel less alone.

- Show her how much she knows and how she can learn from herself. “Just keep asking!”

- Feel strong and insightful.

- Maybe I should ask my Anchor crew what they think about it.

It may seem counterintuitive, but when a cranky cowgirl is about to start screaming in front of you, leading with your own fear can be the bravest thing you can do.

The Secret Handshake

This is not how it works.

What Is It, and How Does It Work?

Backstory: I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder seven months ago.  At the time, I didn't see it coming at all, but as soon as I heard the words, it made a lot of sense. I'd always felt out-of-step with the mainstream and cautious in a way others around me didn't. I was drawn to people who were open about their vulnerabilities and frailties. I loved the early work of Albert Brooks.

Does anything about this speak to you? hahahaha

Since learning that what I felt was called anxiety, the mountain of information I've had all of these years inside of me now has shape. It all makes a lot more sense.

Here's an example: For years, a friend of mine has asked how I manage to create fun group conversations at parties. 

Pre-diagnosis,  I buried this feeling so deeply I didn't even recognize It was there. I just invented coping techniques and got migraines.

I told her that I'd hunker down in a corner and look to see if anyone else is doing the same. I'd toss out random topics to that stranger. By doing this, it was easy to get into engaging, non-small-talk conversation that others, in turn, were drawn into. 

Pre-diagnosis, I had this information: "people want to talk, but they don't always want to talk in big groups. Sometimes it's more fun to do it off to the side, about random, small topics." I didn't know why it was the case, but I knew:  "The off-to-the-side people seem to be my people."

Now that I understand that I'm highly sensitive and experience anxiety, I've merged this new understanding into my approach to parties. I'll sometimes admit that I'm feeling stressed out to the person I'm talking to in some subtle way. If it makes sense, I'll even cop to some anxiety. This is me extending my hand for the secret handshake.

Here's the shocking part: 9 times out of 10, that person will admit that they, too, feel the same way. They respond with their own confessional acknowledgement, taking my hand for the other half of the secret handshake. We end up having even better conversations (and needing to drink less). I'm getting fewer migraines and making more and better connections with others using the secret handshake.

Does this happen because I have a special ability to nose out other beautiful voyagers? Not more than any of us do. I think all of us who are highly sensitive have access to the secret handshake. It's an incredibly powerful skill, and not just in the party setting. If you were to know that the person you were about to be interviewed by had experienced anxiety, as you do, don't you think it would help you perform more naturally in that interview? Being able to read people and understand where they're coming from is like having x-ray vision. But it comes at a cost. It starts with making yourself vulnerable.

Found a photo of Albert Brooks shaking hands...

The hardest part of the secret handshake is that you have to drop the first clue about yourself for the other person to pick up. But you will find that as you do it over time you're going to be shocked at the number of people in your life that experience similar things that you do. They just don't talk about it or may not even realize it, as I didn't. In the past seven months, I've had more people say to me, "Wow, I thought I was alone in this." Or "It was so great to meet you" in a more deeply genuine way than ever before. 

The secret handshake: another tool for the superhero arsenal. 

the lasso of truth