Explore how anxiety can show up in your life, work, and relationships
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How I Adjusted My Job In Mental Health to Better Help People
Jamie Cannon lives in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She is a licensed therapist and owner/writer at Anxiety Be Still.
Seeking out the best way to help others navigate a broken world.
By Jamie Cannon, Author/Blogger at Anxiety by Still
I am probably what you would consider an atypical therapist. I don’t focus on the theory that would work best with the problem at hand. I don’t play calming music and decorate my office with Zen gardens. Most of the time, I consider “good” therapy to be a process of problem-solving, with a strong focus on how we are all pretty much messed up.
This is not what they teach you in school.
In reality, great therapy is empathy in motion, with no hidden agenda. For decades, I have helped hundreds of children, families, and parents become the best version of themselves. I have witnessed their arguments, their broken pieces, and listened to family secrets. I have seen people with unthinkable trauma and abuse turn their lives around and find meaning again. I have watched people lose hope and give up. I have been entrusted with scars, rage, and shame.
Real life is dirty.
One of the best professors I had in college explained to me that a career in clinical therapy is akin to having other peoples’ dirty water splash you all day long. You don’t realize until you get home that you’re covered in the filth of broken hearts, fear, and humiliating secrets. By the time you cut through the layers of others’ grease, it becomes too exhausting to start scrubbing your own. This is why so many therapists give up, quit, and go into therapy themselves.
Have you ever wondered why most therapists don’t have anyone to refer their family and friends to when problems arise? I will let you in on a trade secret – it’s because we know that even your therapists are damaged.
When you spend your life helping other people mend their broken pieces, you can become extremely fragile. Their fears can become your fears. Their wounds bleed onto you. Many clinicians leave the field after realizing they are becoming slowly incapacitated by pouring their energy into others. The mental health field, as a whole, has tried to stress the importance of self-care for therapists. Unfortunately, it has done so in a very evidenced-based, research-oriented manner. While I depend heavily on research and best practice, sometimes it takes away the human side of what we do.
Therapists and other helping professionals are highly trained to march out the latest designer intervention, dress it up in fancy Sunday clothes, and earn a certificate of achievement in it immediately. We do a great job of continuing to educate ourselves while sacrificing the base of our profession. In the name of science, many therapists tend to lose the personal connection that first drew them to the field. This is often the first step to disillusionment, and disillusionment is the first step to a therapist’s demise. As helping professionals, it is vital to our well being that we recognize our human frailty.
Helping professionals are people, too.
Therapists, just like doctors or any other service individuals, are first and foremost humans. They make mistakes. They have problems of their own. Life goes on. Any individual who goes into a field that serves others is placing their own well being at enormous risk.
This is especially significant in the mental health field. Doctors can easily share stories all day long about their own surgeries or heart problems. Therapists, on the other hand, rarely spill their shameful secrets of depression, anger, and bad decisions. Therapists are actually taught to avoid self-disclosure in session – which is a positive way to maintain boundaries with clients. It becomes a problem when this practice spills into the rest of their life. A therapist who becomes unaware (or in denial) of their own struggles has taken the first step toward a cliff. As a society, we often support the false belief that therapists should be perfect. As humans, we have to recognize that we are all hurting in some way.
This is a broken world.
Throughout the threads of life that I have been exposed to as a therapist, one thing has been glaringly clear: we live in a broken world. Life can be very hard, and we can be very fragile. As a therapist, I listen without judgment. As a person, I beat myself up daily and second guess every decision I have ever made. As a therapist, I know what research shows the best way is to handle every “disorder.” As a person, I know that in the moment, I do the absolute best I can with what is available to me. As a therapist, I am staunchly neutral and unconditionally positive to help clients reach their goals, not mine. As a person, my heart hurts to know so many of us are fragmented and cracked. As a therapist, I am called to support forward movement. As a person, I am called to forgive.
What my awakening looks like.
I have somehow emerged from my therapist cocoon of self-driven productivity into an awakening. I have been given the opportunity to bridge the clinical therapy world with tangible methods of helping others through my writing. My experience as a therapist has taught me to see the fragility around me and most importantly, to laugh at myself continuously. My heart drives me to give others hope, through sharing knowledge and experience in a way that makes our very serious flaws seem manageable.
The authentic way to help others is to be yourself. Share your labors, celebrate your delights. Learn to plant the shame, hurt, and horrible mistakes so they can blossom into victory and resilience. By focusing on our communal shattered pieces, instead of pointing fingers, we begin to find healing and peace. The reality is that everyone struggles and everyone triumphs. My mission is to use my experience, professional and personal, to be a lighthouse of hope to those who are blinded by their own darkness.
Jamie Cannon lives in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She is a licensed therapist and owner/writer at Anxiety Be Still.
What Mania Is Really Like
Haley Watkins is a single mother of two. She lives in Houston, Texas.
Author Hayley Watkins
Well, I’ll tell you one thing… it’s not always a euphoric feeling of happiness with enough energy to feel like you could conquer the world. I hear people say they wish they were manic. They wish they could feel that happiness. They wish they could feel that high. But, in reality, mania means way more than the feeling of an abundance of “happiness”.
Ever since I was diagnosed as bipolar, I’ve struggled to come to terms with what mania really means for me, and determining the times when I am depressed, when I am manic, and when I am in a healthy state of “in-between”. Well, what am I like when I’m really manic? Let’s see…
I have more energy than usual.
I don’t require as much sleep.
I am more loving and friendly towards others.
I am creative.
I come up with a million new ideas, that I can write about all night long.
My sex drive sky rockets.
While these can seem like harmless, maybe even good qualities to have, let me also tell you about the dark side that comes along with being manic.
I talk too fast, to the point where people think I’m on something.
I make rash decisions, that seem logical to me at the time, but, in reality, are far from logical.
My thinking is distorted, and my thoughts are irrational.
I have zero impulse control. I think of something and immediately act upon it without thinking of the consequences.
I feel like I have so much love to give but am incapable of giving anything “real” at all.
I want to stir up chaos for my own amusement. I am excruciatingly bored.
You see… mania is when you spend all the money in your bank account because you got the sudden urge to go get tattooed, only to come up short for rent, fighting with your significant other about how it’s going to get paid now.
Mania is when you have more energy than you know what to do with, so you try to fill that energy with getting drunk or high, only to not wake up in the morning, causing you to miss work and jeopardize your job.
Mania is not being able to control your sex drive or your impulses, so you cheat on the one person who loves and cares for you all because you’re just craving something to make you feel alive for 5 seconds, only to leave you crying on your bathroom floor after realizing what you’ve done.
Mania is having affairs with married men, because the “thrill” of it all ignites a fire inside of you, not caring or even comprehending that you are wreaking havoc in an entire family.
Mania is when you try drugs, because “one time won’t hurt”, causing you to lose custody of your kids, turning their lives completely upside down.
I could go on and on about the things I’ve done while manic, but the truth is, no matter how much of a “high” I was on, no matter how “fun” or “exciting” those things seemed to be in that moment, each one of them left me in a pit of heart-wrenching despair. Each one of those things has had serious consequences that left me feeling hopeless, hateful (of myself) and confused.
Mania is not fun. It is not something to take lightly. Mania is something that can ruin your life, and the lives of the people around you. It is not a game to be played with. It is not some fun euphoric happiness that ends in a slight downfall. It is real, it is raw, it doesn’t discriminate, and it leaves you with a lot of messes to clean up.
Mania is this monster inside of me fighting for first place, but the winner never comes out with anything but heartache. It is this inner feeling of absolute chaos that makes you want to build and destroy something all at the same time. It is not poetic. It is not artistic. It is not something that should be romanticized.
Haley Watkins, from Houston TX, is a single mother of 2 who hopes to share real, raw content about the struggles of mental illness in hopes to letting people know they're not alone, as well as try to end the stigma against mental illness. She originally published this piece on Invisible Illness, a Medium publication.
Have you ever experienced mania? Was it similar to what Hayley describes here? Share you experience in the comments.
Try Crafting to Help Ease Anxiety
The practice of creating textile products using creative loops and stitches with the help of yarn and a hook has proven to help thousands of minds dealing with anxiety.
“There’s nothing better for your confidence than finishing a project that you’ve made with your own hands.”- Mandy of RedAgape design blog
The mind is occupied by illusions that destroy peace of heart and mind. To regain the sparkle in your eyes, you might need some practices to replace the darkness with a new ray of light.
Although therapists do a great job when a disturbed person approaches them, sometimes you don’t want any answers because you cannot express the right questions. All you seek is an escape from reality so that you feel good about yourself.
“It became apparent to me how important craft is as a form of therapy, not just for me, but for many other crafters. Many have shared their stories about why they craft for therapy. Some are suffering from mental illness, infertility issues, chronic illness, physical illness … and some craft simply because it is cheaper than (traditional) therapy and keeps them smiling!” says Mandy of the RedAgape Style & Design blog
Below are the two proven crafts to improve mental health in many unexpected ways.
Crochet
Stitch that stress
The practice of creating textile products using creative loops and stitches with the help of yarn and a hook has proven to help thousands of minds dealing with anxiety.
One of the common misconceptions about crochet is that “It is an old lady’s craft.”
Crochet might not just result in a pretty sweater, a throw, or a beanie but also helps you stabilize your moods.
You might have seen your Grandmother knitting /crocheting beanies and sweaters for winter all the time, but one cannot deny a fact that this craft can be done by people of any age group. A few years ago when I asked my best friend who was recovering from depression, about what helped her in recovering faster, she mentioned two practices —Cooking and Crocheting.
Both arts directed towards common reasons of creating something new and work that can be served/gifted to others. This indirectly leads to appreciation of others, which holds the power of instantly improving self-esteem.
Crochet projects, in general, are engaging and instantly improves confidence levels as they make beautiful gifts for yourself and for others.
According to results of the survey done by the researchers of the University of Wollongong Australia, out of 8000 participants, 90% declared that Crocheting made them feel relaxed, 82% felt happier while Crocheting and over 70% felt the hobby improved their memory and concentration.
Your hands working on repetitive stitches help the mind concentrate better, by bringing the anxiety levels down through the release of serotonin- the chemical nerve cells which affect the emotions and motor skills. It is a natural mood stabilizer that helps in healing wounds, better sleep, reducing depression and anxiety, stimulate nausea and maintains bone health.
Serotonin levels in the range of 101–283 nanograms per milliliter are considered normal which improves the focus, happiness, and stability of moods.
The Crochet routine also reduces the blood levels of cortisol — the main stress hormone which works with certain parts of our brain to control our moods, motivation, and fears.
There is another interesting fact about crochet addicts — They have stopped “Binge Eating” as their hands and minds are constantly occupied with creative loops and stitches.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is another disorder that took birth from Depression, and Anxiety which results in Obesity, Low Self Esteem, Cardiovascular diseases, Insomnia, Joint Pains, Hypertension, Type 2 Diabetes, etc.
Other diseases correlated with Depression is Alzheimer’s. Recent research from the Mayo Clinic has found that crocheting and knitting may reduce Alzheimer’s risk by 30–50% .
Alzheimer’s is one of the many forms of Dementia that have affected over five million Americans, mostly older adults. There might be no cure for Alzheimer’s but the progress can be slowed down using Craft Therapy, which includes “Crocheting”, allowing the patients to strengthen their cognitive ability and fight against the symptoms of Dementia.
With Crochet supplies easily available at your nearest Walmart, Meijer, Target, and Micheals stores at affordable prices, there shouldn’t be any reason for you to avoid this craft that can help you feel better about yourself.
Painting
Express yourself in a Creative way
You don’t end up with a piece of Art , but with a piece of expression.
One of the frustrations of a person suffering from any mental illness is the lack of expression. Oftentimes it is extremely difficult for normal people to see and understand the functioning of depressed minds. What they see in normal situations, what they go through as the sun sets, How and Why they panic in random moments are some of the curiosities every normal mind will have about the people who suffer any kind of Mental Illness.
Expression and Narration through art, especially painting has proven to be the most effective way of releasing stress and anxiety. The study done by Drexel’s College of Nursing and Health Professionals concluded that creating art can benefit everybody equally with its stress-reducing effects.
“It wasn’t surprising because that’s the core idea in art therapy: Everyone is creative and can be expressive in the visual arts when working in a supportive setting. That said, I did expect that perhaps the effects would be stronger for those with prior experience,” says Girija Kaimal, EdD.
According to the qualitative study, researchers found out that other than expressive writing which has proven to lower the stress levels, art has also contributed to lessening symptoms of compassion fatigue and stress. The study done by Raynolds and Prior in 2003 has stated that patients with chronic illness were able to improve their overall health and thoughts about self-identity through art.
Various research done to study the relation between art and salivary cortisol indicate that art has decreased cortisol levels and improve concentration in people suffering from chronic illness.
“Even the people who did not experience any direct benefit from the treatment had shown improvement. Painting pictures based on themes and discussing the pictures with the therapist promotes self-reflection and brain stimulation that takes place outside of the conscious mind,” Christina Blomdahl, Ph.D. at the institute of health and care sciences, licensed occupational therapist and art therapist mentioned post art therapy research.
It’s not necessary to paint using the right tools, oftentimes people use their fingers to paint. Painting is an act of liberation and narration where the person has complete freedom to pour the vision of mind on the canvas.
A few days ago , after a stressful day at work , I decided to refresh my mind by doing some painting. It was one of those times when you really want to express the chaos of the mind in a creative way. I was lazy enough to skip the use of brushes. I ended up with a beautiful piece of Abstract Art , and most importantly I ended up being Happy and Relaxed.
My silly mind thought I should do finger painting more often. I could feel the fresh breeze by doing out of ordinary, by not using the tools that are dictated majority of times for painting.
Also , I was amazed to read about how Finger painting was invented.
Ruth Faison Shaw — An educator and art therapist, and the author of the book — “Finger Paint: A Perfect Method oF Self-Expression", invented “Finger Painting” in the 1930s after observing one of her students smearing iodine on the tiles as a method of expression and creativity.
We meet people on a daily basis at work, cafe’s, street’s, public transport, etc, oftentimes its the physical wounds and disabilities which grabs the attention instantly while the mental wounds go unnoticed. The majority of times people dealing with certain mental illness get worse due to lack of understanding from people around them.
It’s nobody fault as it is extremely difficult for anxiety or depression to talk fearlessly.
However , since 1940's, Art and Crafts blended in ,in the form of therapies to encourage expression and self esteem improvement.
You never know what shades of life and world may grab your mind to suck all the peace within. It is necessary to keep expressing in different ways so that regardless of darker times, you have one thing in your hands that can still make you feel better.
Have you tried either of these crafts? Did they help you feel less stress and anxiety?
Umme Salma is an artist, developer, and writer.
Try Listening to Bird Music
Bird sounds enforce a human’s innate connection with nature; when birds sing, we know we are safe – when they quiet down, we panic. This instinctive familiarity with bird songs plays a subconscious role in our stress recovery. Music therapy has increased in popularity and time, and time again, the impact of music on our well-being has been proven to be nothing other than remarkable.
Our feathered friends can help us relax through their own unique sounds.
This post was submitted by Deborah Pena of ChipperBirds.com, where it previously appeared.
If you love birds, you’ll be happy to hear that their chirps and tweets can help you relax when you are feeling anxious – or just in everyday life.
Why is bird music great for relaxation and anxiety?
Bird sounds enforce a human’s innate connection with nature; when birds sing, we know we are safe – when they quiet down, we panic. This instinctive familiarity with bird songs plays a subconscious role in our stress recovery. Music therapy has increased in popularity and time, and time again, the impact of music on our well-being has been proven to be nothing other than remarkable.
What do we mean by “Bird Music”?
The sounds birds make include calls and songs. The more structured vocalizations are usually songs to attract a mate or defend territory while shorter, less rhythmic sounds are calls used to communicate with each other. These vocalizations can be listened to alone or accompanied by various musical instruments to reduce stress and promote relaxation. That being said, not all birds’ sounds may be soothing – the raucous calls of crows or magpies, for example, may have the opposite effect on those who prefer the gentle sounds of thrush or warbler.
It’s all considered part of Sound Therapy.
Sound has been used to heal and calm people for thousands of years.Himalayan singing bowls used in Asia during prayer and meditation are said to have positive effects on one’s health and well-being. This is just one example of age-old instruments from all over the world being applied as healing instruments. Sound therapy is based on the premise that we are all made up of energy frequencies, and audio frequencies can interact with our body’s energy to rebalance our systems. Since music is basically just organised sound, it can be deconstructed to have powerful effects on our physical and psychological well-being.
Sound therapy can help:
Anxiety
Depression
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Autism and learning disabilities
Dementia
Behaviour and psychiatric disorders
Other benefits of sound therapy
Lower stress responses
Decrease in mood swings
Pain management
Improves sleep
Lowers blood pressure
In essence, sound therapists use sound frequencies to ‘rewire’ your brain and stimulate healing.
Let’s get scientific for a second, the rhythms and frequencies used during sound therapy shifts your brain from normal consciousness (beta state) to a relaxed consciousness (theta state), and even to a state where internal healing is triggered (delta state).
How does bird music help in sound therapy?
Our daily lives are filled with buzzing people, bright billboards, cars hooting and rocketing past – all part of the urban jungle most of us call home. The things we see, hear and experience moment after moment not only change our mood but impact us on a deeper physical level; it alters the way our nervous, endocrine and immune systems function. It doesn’t take a genius to know that the constant stimulation of city life puts stress on our minds and bodies. Listening to birdsong is a wonderful way to reconnect with nature and shift your focus away from the clutter and chaos that is often part of our daily lives. According to Eleanor Ratcliffe from the University of Surrey in her thesis examining the restorative perceptions and outcomes associated with listening to birds, bird sounds have the ability to transport yours to nature. In addition to that, it also gives you a feeling of ‘really being there’ even if you’re stuck in a tiny apartment in New York. So, not only does bird music affect us positively on a fundamental level of sound frequency, but it also has the capability to make you think you’re in a natural environment, which will in and of itself, reduce stress, anxiety and depression.
Why Is Bird Music So Powerful For Relaxation And Reducing Anxiety?
In today’s fast-paced world, it is vital to make lifestyle choices that will reduce stress and ultimately prolong your life. It has been revealed that listening to slow tempo, low pitched music with no lyrics can reduce stress and anxiety in people who are to undergo invasive surgery.It also lessens the requirement of subsequent pain medication. Now, the above are some proven benefits of listening to ordinary music. Just think how powerful it will be to add bird sounds to the mix? Bird song and calls have been found to be the sort of natural sound that most people associate with perceived stress recovery.
During semi-structured interviews conducted with twenty adult participants, Eleanor Ratcliffe determined the following reasons why bird song helps with relaxation and reducing anxiety.
It invokes positive memories. Bird sounds associated with enjoyable or special events help combat stress and anxiety and can ease depressive episodes, as it creates positive emotions linked with particular places and times.
It shifts the focus. Listening to bird music during trying times moves the focus away from the problems at hand and leads to calm.
It is a change of stimuli. We get used to the everyday sounds of city life. When we listen to bird music, it provides a break from the emotions associated with our surroundings. This short reprieve will help reduce stress.
It’s a welcome distraction Bird music has the ability to effortlessly take you out of your current environment without you having to move a muscle.
As being a symbol of nature, bird song transports you far from the daily hustle and bustle and removes you from day-to-day demands that may be causing anxiety. During these interviews, 186 occasions of natural sounds helping to ease stress and anxiety were identified – 35% of the sounds mentioned were bird sounds. It is clear that people are aware of the health benefits of listening to bird music! Although science hasn’t yet caught up with bird music believers’ confidence in its healing properties – since most support is anecdotal – the evidence speaks for itself.
Bird music is by no means a miracle cure and should still be used in conjunction with medicine as prescribed by your general practitioner. That being said, bird music is noninvasive, there aren’t any side effects (except maybe turning up the volume too high when wearing earphones), it’s easy on the pocket and convenient – not to mention completely natural.
Pardon the pun.
How Does Bird Music Affect Moods?
Bird music can clearly have positive effects on a person’s mood, mental health and physical well-being. But what real scientific proof is there of music in general’s impact on mental states? Below you will find some studies that back up what people have been saying for years – music has healing properties.
It changes brain function. Research conducted at Standford University found that listening to music can have the same effect on the brain that taking medicine has. Through using electroencephalographs (EEGs) – a device that measures electrical impulses in the brain – it was established that music with a strong beat stimulates the brain, while slow beats encourage the brain to relax by promoting a meditative state. When you listen to faster beats, it can lead to deep concentration.According to a psychologist who was one of the participating researchers, the human brain is usually locked into a specific level of functioning.But by speeding up or slowing down the brainwaves, it is easier for the brain to change its speed in reaction to external and internal stimuli.
It increases blood flow in the brain. Thomas Budzynski, an affiliate professor of psychology at the University of Washington, found that the mind enjoys new stimuli. Whenever the brain experiences new sights or sounds, blood flow increases, equalling a better cognitive response. Some anecdotal evidence indicates that this increase in blood flow may help in repairing damaged brain cells.
It stimulates the release of internal opioid peptides. In a review, titled The Neurochemistry of music, it is mentioned that listening to music lowers the need for pain medication due to the euphoria often experienced when listening to specific music. This release of endogenous opioid can be likened to use of cocaine – but luckily with bird music, it’s free and legal!
It increases dopamine levels. Dopamine is responsible for body movements but also plays a role in a person’s emotional response. For this reason, should music raise dopamine, it will be a very good thing, especially if you’re suffering from mood swings, depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses or associated symptoms. By using neuroimaging technology, the central dopamine release while listening to enjoyable music was measured – and the results are positive. The right type of music does increase dopamine. No wonder listening to music is one of life’s most pleasurable – and relaxing – activities.
Examples of Bird Music To Listen To
If you don’t live in the country where there are plenty of birds singing their songs and chirping the day away, don’t fret, bird music is widely available and if not free, very cost-effective. Below are five bird music tracks you can listen to for free on YouTube.
Relaxing Music with Birds Singing – Beautiful Piano Music & Guitar Music by Soothing Relaxation If you love bird sounds and piano, your ears will be delighted to hear this soothing 3-hour long masterpiece by Peder B Helland.
Nature Sounds Music for Meditation – Birds Chirping, Birds Singing Here you will only be listening to birds sing and chirping without any musical instruments accompanying their vocalizations. The sound is crystal clear, and you will quickly be transported to a lush green field surrounded by trees filled with very vocal birds.
Forest Birdsong – Relaxing Nature Sounds Nightingale, Blackbird, Chaffinch, Cuckoo and more birds will help you forget any problems you might be facing – even if only for two hours.
Singing Birds This video is only 18 minutes long but contains the sounds of 27 birds. The diversity of these songs and the accompanying emotional responses is fascinating to experience.
Best Nightingale Song Who doesn’t want to listen to three hours of Nightingale singing, accompanied by sounds of a rippling river? Peace and tranquillity are guaranteed while listening to this soundscape.
Choose a birdsong that is relaxing to you
Fact of the matter is, what is comforting and peaceful for one person, may be annoying and tensing to another. If you’re not familiar with birds and don’t already have a favourite repertoire or two, you will have to explore these sounds. Find bird sounds and chirps that reduce tension – not create it.
Block out the light
Bird music has the ability to transport you to your favourite cabin in the woods, or a spot next to a lake. To make this shift in reality more believable to your brain, wear a sleep mask so that you can focus on the music and imagine yourself soaking in the sun while birds chatter in the trees. Bird music is easily accessible and is an easy and natural stress reduction tool that you can basically use at any time and anywhere.
Don’t overthink it.
Find birds that melt away your worries with their songs and chirps, load some birdsongs on your phone, and listen to it when you want to. You will soon be your new calm and collected self.
Have you tried this experiment and did it work for you? Comment below and share your experience.
Try Signing Up For a Clinical Trial for Migraines and Anxiety Disorders
Have you ever thought of taking part in a clinical trial to help with your chronic pain or anxiety disorder?
I recently connected with a startup based in London (but with offices in the US), that is doing something really interesting: they source clinical trials from around the world and allow patients like you and me to explore relevant trials on an easy-to-use platform. This is important work for people who have exhausted all traditional options for medication (for example, for migraines), and who would love to contribute to and learn about the latest cutting-edge treatments.
Since this company is always to connect patients with trials, they reached out to me to see if I would share their widget on bevoya.com. Since it might help my fellow beautiful voyagers, I said I would be glad to do it!
Use the widget below to explore clinical trials that might be applicable for you.
Comment in the space below with your experience. We would all love to learn from you!
What I Learned From the Early Days of My Father's Dementia
Meredith Arthur is the creator of bevoya.com.
Me and my Dad in Hilton Head, 2008
Though the words feel foreign to me now, I remember writing this in March of 2008:
Hello,
My father is 66 years old and has had progressive memory loss/cognitive impairment over the last 5 years. He has seen a private neurologist, but as his condition is worsening, we are looking for a multidisciplinary memory disorders clinic. We would like the following services: + a neurologic/neuropsychiatric testing to establish a diagnosis and provide treatment recs. + social work to provide resources for our family for support and care planning geropsychology for counseling for my father/mother.
I searched your neurology website and found many comprehensive centers, but did not see one for dementia/memory disorders. Does the Cleveland Clinic provide these services in a coordinated environment?
Please contact me via email or phone at 415–846-xxxx if you have any questions. Thank you in advance for your help.
This isn’t about my father, though. Not exactly. And it’s not about his death from Alzheimer’s in November of 2013, five years after this email was written.
This is about what I learned in the early stages of his disease.
Five Mistakes I Made In the Early Stages of Alzheimer's Disease
This is for those of you who are seeing the signs of memory loss or dementia in your parents. Why? Because it’s starting to happen. I may have been the first, but I won’t be the last. In the past two weeks alone, I’ve spoken with three different friends in their late 30s/early 40s who have alluded to a parent or their in-laws’ confusing behavior, memory loss, and possible dementia.
I’m using examples taken from my own experience and my mistakes. I hope my stumbling will help you find your own path a little more easily.
1. I said, “He’s just lazy.”
Before he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it seemed like my father just didn’t want to do very much. I got up the courage to talk to him about it. I remember it was President’s Day of 2004. I called and asked him what was wrong. I asked him to “come back.”
Takeaway
If your parent seems like they are working too much, or playing too much, or drinking too much all of the sudden in their late 60s…it’s not necessarily that they are depressed or choosing not to deal with things. It could be a sign of memory loss. Maybe they’re sticking with familiar patterns but unable to modulate the way they used to. (My brother: “To me, Dad’s early stage dementia behavior was only an exaggerated version of his regular self.”)
I spent years thinking my Dad was lazy. I regret that now.
Note: This behavior is well described in the incredible novel We Are Not Ourselves. It’s the only book with an Alzheimer’s plot I’ve ever read. On that topic, I’d recommend limiting your media intake around books and movies with dementia plots. It can’t help, as much as we want it to. In a way it can hurt. They are dramatizations, and often manipulative. I’d suggest sticking to straighter sources of information you trust until you feel pretty comfortable with the topic. I’m not there yet, for example. I may never be.
2. We thought my Dad would enjoy socializing.
My brother, who lived close to my parents during this early stage, says, “The most telling sign of early stage dementia, for me, was Dad’s inability to mingle in groups. My takeaway is recognizing that no matter how hard it is on a child to cope with a parent with dementia, the parent with dementia is coping, too.”
Takeaway
Our big mistake was attempting to create social situations for my Dad, or include him in groups the way we once had. I wish we had given ourselves—and my Dad—a pass on all mingling.
3. I fixated on diagnosis.
I spent years trying to get my Dad neuropsychological testing, having figured out testing was the place to start by talking with a trusted friend who, luckily enough, was a doctor. Here's a note I sent her from the middle of my impatience in March of 2007:
It’s so fucking frustrating to me that everything is on this constant excuse, “We can’t do that because we are going to SC” or “We only have two months in Ohio so we can’t do it” — just a bunch of excuses as far as I’m concerned, but I think that’s how [my parents] live the way they do.
And here is her brilliant and measured response:
I can understand the frustration with the nomadic parents. It’s hard to know whether people put things off b.c. it isn’t a priority or b.c. they don’t want to face up to them. In this case, I certainly don’t think it will matter to postpone the testing as it’s more likely to give a baseline assessment than change how things are managed right now.
Takeaways
If you feel frustrated and want answers, I feel you. Just know that your quest for a diagnosis may be for your own peace of mind more than for the good of your parent (or your supporting/caregiving parent, if you have one). It’s great to understand your parent’s mental baseline, but ultimately, did it matter that my father was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment? I was so focused on taking “the right steps” that I couldn’t hang out with where we were as a family at the time. I just wanted action.
Everyone in the family, including you, is adjusting to this change at different speeds. You know this intellectually, but you’ll probably experience it viscerally in the next couple of years. You’re just starting this process of letting go of your parent (and I know that even reading that sentence might hurt, and I’m sorry to be saying it to you). Everyone reacts to the loss differently. Throw a wildcard like un/diagnosed dementia into the mix and then you have heartbreak mixed with a shared project management situation going on. There is no one right way to do heartbreak on top of project management. It differs greatly based on your resources — more money and time is better — and location.
4. I acted weird.
When I would go home to see my Dad, I was tense. I didn’t know how to avoid asking him questions. I felt like I did everything wrong.
Takeaway
My daughter, who was 3 years old when she last saw my Dad, seemed to understand dementia a lot better than I did. If I were doing it over, I’d take lessons on hanging out from kids. She knew how to be in the moment with ease. When her grandpa would get confused, she’d just reintroduce herself. “I’m Alice.”
5. I went to a support group, and it was all wrong for me.
I tried to figure out how to get the right information and support in the early stages. I went to a support group for people supporting people with Alz at a hospital in SF. It was all wrong. Just like that sentence.
Takeaway
Find your people, and stick to them. I really wasn’t comforted by hearing how I was supposed to appreciate the new person that dementia gave me. Other people might be, though. If this post isn’t helping you close it right now and forget you ever read it. Ditto with how people respond to news of your parent’s sickness. Close, delete, and forget the responses from people that don’t fit who you are.
One last thing.
Plan and record a StoryCorps interview session with your parent, either in person in the StoryCorps mobile or with the app. The Memory Loss Initiative was particularly great for me. I did sessions with both of my parents.
May of 2008, two months after I wrote to the Cleveland Clinic.
I’m painfully aware of how little there is here. I’m giving you scraps really. But it’s more than I had when I set out on my journey.
I’m sorry that you are facing this.
I know how confusing this all is.
I hope that you don’t feel alone.
To make my heart swell a little, make a donation of any size to the Cure Alzheimer’s Fund in Rodney Arthur’s name.
Resources
New York: Special Touch In-Home Care
My Experience with Fainting, and What It Taught Me
Michael M lives in London, England, and works in a university.
I see that my shame stopped me from learning from the experience.
“Have you ever fainted?”
I was in hospital, waiting for surgery. The person asking me the question was a young doctor, a member of the anesthetic team. Without thinking, I said ‘No.’ And then I suddenly remembered—what I’d said wasn’t true. I called her back to tell her I had, in fact, fainted once, long before, when I was a teenager. How could I have forgotten?
---
I’m sitting at home with my mother, casually reading a magazine. Why am I reading this article about some celebrity who had had a heart attack? He felt pains in his chest…Suddenly, I’m feeling pressure in my chest. I’m sweating…I feel sleepy…What’s happening to me? Am I having a heart attack? I can’t keep my eyes open…
——
I open my eyes. I feel a bit weak, but I seem to be all right. Whatever happened, it’s over. I must have just closed my eyes for a second. And then my mother says “You fainted.” Oh no…
I’d always been afraid of the idea of fainting. I thought it was a sign of weakness, unmanliness. And now it had happened to me…
——
I suppose that I had suffered a panic attack. I’d always been prone to anxiety about health issues and I suppose the heart attack story triggered it. It was the sense of the victim’s vulnerability: one moment you feel all right, next you are in deadly danger. I’d lived out a kind of miniature version of the same drama: one minute I felt all right, next I was slipping, frightened, into unconsciousness.
I managed to forget it, perhaps because I was too ashamed of myself to think about it, let alone talk about it. Now I see that my shame stopped me from learning from the experience. Learning that we can’t be invulnerable and that we shouldn’t judge ourselves in terms of a false gendered ideal. Now I’m glad I know what it’s like to faint.
Have you ever had your own fainting experience? What did you learn? Share in the comments below.
Michael M lives in London, England, and works in a university.
I'm Chris. I Have General Anxiety Disorder.
Chris is a former NCO in the military.
Hi, I’m Chris. I have general anxiety disorder, or at least that’s what the psych told me.
I’ve been on Prozac for about 3 years and for awhile, it helped. I felt a sense of normal that I only experienced in brief moments. But now I feel like my anxiety has overcome the medicine and like your article suggests, I’m bobbing up and down in a pretty rough sea.
When I was in the military, my anxiety lent to my roll as an angry NCO that didn’t take any shit from anyone. I found my release by smoking cigarettes, bitching and being an unpleasant person, but I fit in. When I left the military I found out how problematic my anxiety was in normal society. I remember distinctly when my wife came in with a vacuum cleaner and I instantly switched to an angry, irritable person. The sound of that thing was like physical pain that I couldn’t stand.
I still get this way when I get sensory overload.
I also can’t be in social situations too fast, like if I meet strangers in the wrong way, I become stand-offish and defensive. I have to pretend to be social in order to hide the fact that I would rather be alone like some kind of hermit. All of this because I can’t quite sync with others in social situations. Hangouts with friends are difficult because I have to rehearse them in my head and I often feel like I’m staging the whole thing like a play. If I don’t play the part to perfection then they’ll break through the illusion and see that I’m just an actor.
I could fill this whole page up with similar stories but I want to leave it with probably the worst aspect of my anxiety.
Sometimes, I get a wave of energy that’s so intense that I daydream of ways to release it. Kind of like those “satisfying” clips where you watch objects get crushed or destroyed. I imagine myself dying or getting crushed or shot or whatever and all that energy just dissipating. And that would be the end of me and this crazy state of being. Of course I’m not suicidal at all, it’s just day dreaming. But this is the new evolution of my anxiety.
So again I’m learning to ride the waves.