Our Most Popular Stories of 2018

Not to be left at the sidelines, the Beautiful Voyager is joining all of your other favorite websites and sharing a year-end roundup. In our case, we used the data pulled by our newsletter team at Revue to share the top articles that you, my dear Beautiful Voyager readers, clicked through from the bevoya newsletter.

As you’ll doubtlessly note, not all of these articles are from bevoya.com—and not all are articles! But it is interesting to see what stories captivated your minds this year, and where your interest lies. Scroll on to learn more about what made you curious in 2018.

10 How ‘Anxiety Pain’ Manifests

This article, originally published in TheMighty, resonated with many of you, as it did me.

09 How to Deal with an Anxious Boss

This was our first official paid guide story, and it was a hit!

08 Explore the Lighthouse Map. Open a Message in a Bottle.

This is not a story, but it is a link that many of you clicked on. In fact, in 2018 we had nearly 100 new lighthouses added to the lighthouse map. If you haven’t, now is the time.

07 I Was Fired From 3 Startups in One Year

2015, i don’t miss you too much. I did learn from you, though.

06 Not a story, but my workplace hit the list!

A surprising number of you clicked through to Trulia when I linked it in a newsletter.

05 Fidget spinners, weighted blankets, and the rise of anxiety consumerism 

This was the year that Rebecca Jennings at Vox included Beautiful Voyager in this thought-provoking piece about anxiety gadgets. I was very grateful we were included!

04 The Best Career Advice I Ever Got

I sent this story out as a newsletter. I will always remember the power of the question my friend Molly asked me.

03 In the wake of the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, looking at suicide differently

This really was great context around the heartbreaking deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. In assessing whether people might kill themselves, Beeson looks at “key variables that seem to be more related to death.”

02 Experiment #23: Stop Using Certain Phrases

This technique really worked for me, and I think it intrigued many of you, too, considering it was the #2 most read article of the year.

01 How to Know If Your Child Is Dealing with Anxiety

It makes me so happy that this was the #1 most read article of the year. I paid a writer to research this story, and really committed to it, so its success feels like a win for writers too!

Is there anything that this list is missing? Comment below and share what you’ve loved in 2018!

Dust Yourself Off, You Will Shine Again

Life will always let us down. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true. Even for the least spontaneous soul who schedules out every last minute of every day, something somewhere will eventually go astray. It’s a simple fact.

There’s not necessarily an explanation; there’s no one to blame. There are just too many variables involved in the outcome of our day. Therefore, the simple truth is: at any given time, anything, anywhere is possible.

Be real. But don’t be pessimistic. Possible does not mean probable.

We cannot live our lives with the expectation that disaster and heartache are lurking about every corner. Obviously, this would lead to massive anxiety. What good would it do to relax at home watching a movie, all the while preoccupied that a fire-engulfed jetliner could come crashing through the house, or that the chicken wings we’re snacking on are crawling with E.coli?

We have to approach life with at least some degree of certainty that the universe will yield to our basic expectations.

But what are our expectations?

If you always get A’s in school without studying, then you expect to get A’s. If you are lactose intolerant and invariably get the trots every time you touch ice cream, you will expect to run to the bathroom whenever you eat ice cream.

And if you have struggled with a lifetime of emotional pain, you will always expect to hurt.

A “lifetime.”

Unfortunately that’s no exaggeration.

For as far back as my memories extend, I recognize sadness above all else. Hope and happiness were an exception, not the rule. I was ruled by fear: fear of pain, fear of loss, fear of rejection and hate. And it was this fear and pain that I came to expect, because it was the most consistent factor I knew. If one fear dissolved it was insignificant because it would merely be overshadowed or replaced by another, equal or worse pain.

But this was life. And I accepted it for what it was.

So what happened?

Well, there was the breakup of the century which turned my life upside down… and then came the therapy.

Thirteen years of therapy. That’s right. Thirteen. My lucky number.

And if the breakup turned my life upside down, the therapy was about to drop it on its ass.

What I thought was “finding someone to chat with,” turned into 13 years of therapists and psychiatrists. A series of suicide attempts with several close-calls. Hospitals. Blood, sweat, tears… diagnoses… medication — lots of medication. And still wishing I had died, as I almost had the day I was born.

But then one day, somewhere around year 11, I realized something. Something was changing. I was…dare I say it? Happy!

Was it possible? Could it actually be?

At first I brushed it off as coincidence. Law of averages. I mean, things can’t always be dark and distressing. But, as life experience had taught me, I knew it was merely an anomaly… a fluke. A taunt. A spell of happiness was nothing more than God’s cruel way of magnifying the pain I would feel when it was inevitably stripped from me.

But then the joy I felt transformed into something even more foreign to me: Hope. Even gratitude!

I began to look forward to the future. I began to be grateful for the past.

Grateful! How absurd.

Gradually, my life changed. The return to happiness (or the introduction to it, in this case) is as insidious as the mental anguish it replaces. And little by little, life took on a different light.

I’d actually look forward to waking up in the morning. I’d walk to the train, listening to my music, singing…maybe even dropping a dance step or two when I came across the odd, unoccupied subway car. My daily routine, my thoughts, plans, feelings, beliefs…everything changed to accommodate a new perspective of life that was, for the very first time, not focused on death.

Eventually my medication was downgraded to a single low-dose of anti-depressants intended more to keep in check the little rascals that linger in my mind and like to stick their nose in my progress every so often. Of course any medication means I must still see the psychiatrist, but I’ve managed to keep this to a minimum, dropping in for 10 minutes a few times a year to get my required script.

But no more talking.

Thirteen years of therapy, I’m all talked out. There’s not much left to talk about. It’s about acting now. And so my therapy schedule which started at thrice weekly visits back in 2003 has been reduced to an occasional reality check every few months, merely aimed at keeping my ass on track.

But most importantly, it’s been 10 years since I had a visit to the hospital. Ten years since I sincerely had the wish to die.

Impressive? I like to think so. The pride is helpful in my healing. It reminds me of how strong I am. Sometimes it’s okay to be cocky.

But don’t be complacent.

This was where I went wrong.

My cockiness turned to complacency, and the undiscriminating, callous world of infinite possibility was just waiting for me to let my guard down.

And that was exactly what I did. I was ignoring things I knew would hurt me in the end… dipping my feet in water I knew would eventually drown me. Worst of all, I was getting far too laid back with the drinking.

I didn’t have my first drink until I was 19 years old, but coming from a long line of accomplished alcoholics, it took me years to learn how to drink without needing someone to carry me home at the end of the night. Once I found happiness this skill became effortless. But I forgot how easy it would be to travel back down that road.

I was already in a bad state of mind. I had just returned from two consecutive (and amazing, by the way) trips to Australia and Disney World, in which I had a month off from work. I now had to report to a job that I loathe — a job I swore 18 years ago was only temporary. Entirely devoid of vacation time, sick time, personal time…me time… things were looking grim.

Then I woke up one day and the date seemed familiar. It didn’t take long to realize that twenty years had passed since the start of my last serious relationship. The same relationship that turned my life on its ass four years later.

My gynecologist unwittingly then tipped the scale when he asked if I’d be interested in freezing my eggs, as it seems I “won’t be having children any time soon.”

Maybe I should also add that I just turned 40.

So there I was…home alone, a single, 40 year old, lousy with eggs…sipping on some Bacardi and coke.

Well, as the old saying goes… one thing led to another and before I knew what had happened I had turned back the clock of my life a solid 10 years.

Not one month prior I was shining bright… flying higher than ever before. I even jumped out of a plane in Australia! The single best experience I had ever known. Life couldn’t be much better than it was.

And now it had thrown me one of the biggest curve balls imaginable.

Granted, the consequences were not permanent. Not quite as dire as a flaming jetliner crashing through my roof. But for me it was a defeat that was unimaginable after coming so far. My pride was shaken. Obliterated, really. I was humiliated.

Details aren’t necessary. Nor are they really known except from what I was informed of after the fact. All I can say is a quarter of a bottle of rum, chased by a 6-pack of Corona and a dose of Benadryl in excess of its recommended usage did not result in much more than a night at the local Emergency Room, the intense desire to crawl under a large rock, and an even worse spell of depression than I thought I was already feeling.

For three full days I stayed in bed. I cried.

I didn’t eat much or go outside or really do anything — nothing productive, anyway. And for the first time in a long time, I sincerely did not want to live anymore.

I thank God for one amazing friend who made me remember that I am a good person, in spite of my faults. He came to check on me and bring me food… just give me a hug and tell me I will be fine again.

It’s the smallest things in the world that can make all the difference.

Unfortunately, the depression didn’t leave as quickly as it returned. I was fixated. Fixated on my pain. Fixated on the humiliation.

I was fixated on the things that hurt: I hate my job; I have no family; I’m nowhere close to getting married and will likely never have children… the list goes on and on.

I disregarded the positive: my job pays really well and my flexible schedule allows me much freedom in life to do the things I really love; I have a surrogate family that I adore and that cares for me dearly, even if I am not their “blood”; I love being single, and I already decided that I am perfectly okay with never having children… and the list goes on and on!

So what do you do when your brain just won’t get on point?

Well, in the words of Alanis Morissette: The only way out is through!

Don’t forget that it’s important to grieve. Embrace the pain.

Embrace it… but don’t wallow in it.

Distraction is constructive, but not when it masks denial. If you try to close out the pain and never deal with it, it will fester in your heart and consume you. You won’t even realize it. So cry. Scream if you have to. I’ve broken my share of dishes. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Open your arms to it.

More importantly, open your mind.

Understand the pain. Blind rage and anguish do us not good.

It’s a hell of a lot harder to ignore our feelings and emotions when we know where they’re coming from. No, ignorance is not always bliss. It can be. Do you really wanna know who sat on the toilet before you every time? I sure don’t. Even if I do cover it with a month’s worth of toilet paper.

Know the facts. Are you feeling sad or angry or embarrassed or jealous? Or, truth be told, are you simply thinking irrationally?

Journals are a godsend. If you’re like me and in constant need of fitting everything in your life into neat little boxes, go nuts with charts and checklists. Otherwise, ramble out strings of seemingly incoherent thoughts to your little heart’s content! But get it out. Think of pain as a poison you must dispel as soon as possible. Because that’s what it is.

Just the same, TALK!

Find a friend or a therapist…go to Church if it suits you. Hell, even the local Starbucks barista will do. Just get talking. Or get writing. No holds barred. Except one:

Be honest — with yourself if with no one else.

For starters, don’t disregard the positive. Yes, the negatives may be true but don’t get caught in biased evaluations. Maybe I’m 40 and unmarried and most likely not going to have children… but let’s be real: if I was presented with the opportunity tomorrow I’d likely run so fast I’d fly clear off the face of the earth.

So don’t make excuses or tell yourself lies. Don’t change reality.

Do change your environment. Environment is KEY!

Ditch the candles and depressing music. This’s not grieving, it’s wallowing. We don’t wallow!

My apartment is naturally devoid of sunlight. One of those little perks of living in New York. My windows provide a view of nothing but a brick wall and the adjacent windows of my neighbors so on top of having no direct sun to enjoy, I also keep the curtains drawn at all times. This drawback was my one reluctance in taking my apartment. Thank the heavens I decided against my concerns because I love my new home! So when I moved in one year ago I spent a good four weeks tracking down the perfect lamps and light bulbs in order to maximize the natural light in my home.

Nevertheless, light bulbs don’t work if you don’t turn them on! Consequently, I can find myself sitting in the dark for days if I am not careful.

So turn on the lights. Better yet, get the hell out of the house! Take a walk in the sun. All that crap about the healing power of sunlight… It’s true! I never really believed it until I experienced it myself.

Which reminds me… Know what works. More importantly, know what doesn’t.

For you. Not for your friends.

Know yourself. Know your stressors and triggers; know what soothes you; know what makes you smile. It’s different for every one of us.

My absolute favorite television show is Little House on the Prairie. For many the unrelenting tragedy and misfortune could be a downer. The infant deaths, fire and typhus… Mary blinded by Scarlet fever… Pa shot while hunting… rabies, rape, and meth addiction…

But I don’t see any of that. I see a hardworking, loving family that values one another above everything else, and will work hard together to overcome any obstacle thrown in their way. So when I am feeling alone and unloved, my vicarious little journey with the Ingall’s is greatly comforting to me.

On the other hand, I am absolutely incapable of watching certain sitcoms that my friends may think are hysterical, but have a profound negative effect on my mood.

We are all different.

But we are also all the same.

It is a basic condition of human nature that we seek what is most familiar. Accordingly, one of the worst aspects of depression is its self-perpetuating nature. Chances are, people who are depressed are familiar with sadness above all else. We seek it. We often crave it. So often we have the tools to change, but we are unable to implement them. For lack of a better explanation, we want to be sad.

Most people, I believe, won’t admit it. I would not. Many may feel it would discredit their pain. It does not.

But if you cannot be honest with yourself, nothing I said matters. Above all else, we must want to find peace. We must want to change our minds. We must be willing to fight and even more willing to fail. Because the world is full of flaming jetliners just waiting to crash through your roof.

The beast lingers.
Beware. 
But don’t be scared,
Don’t let it hold you back.
There’s hope inside you.
There is light. 
Just give it time.

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This story originally appeared on the Medium publication Invisible Illness.

How to Avoid Emotional Eating on Thanksgiving

4 Intuitive Eating Tips for a Peaceful Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving can be a stressful time, especially if you have a fraught relationship with food. Following are four Intuitive Eating tips to help you navigate the holiday (and every day) with greater peace and ease.

1. Fire Your Internal Food Police

Your internal food police are the loud voices in your head that tell you that you’re “good” or “bad” based on what or how you ate.

They try to enforce the unreasonable rules diet culture has created and make you feel guilty and ashamed about your food choices. And, they compel you to take compensatory measures to make up for your “food sins,” like exercising excessively or detoxing post-holiday—unhelpful behaviors that usually backfire.

In order to have a peaceful relationship with food, you must fire your food police by challenging your beliefs and rules and removing any morality and judgment surrounding food.

Keep in mind that…

• All foods are emotionally equivalent regardless of their nutritional value. A baked sweet potato is equal to sweet potato pie; eating one or the other doesn’t make you good or bad.

• Making peace with food means giving yourself unconditional permission to eat whatever looks good, tastes good and feels good in your body, without internal judgment or external influence.

• All foods fit in a balanced diet. This includes everything from turkey, stuffing and green-bean casserole to Brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes and mac-and-cheese. 

• Normal eating includes sometimes eating simply for pleasure and sometimes eating until you're stuffed. Neither one is a crime you have to pay a penance for.

• Unless you stole your food or harmed someone to get it, there’s no place for guilt in your eating world.

2. Set Boundaries with External Food Police

Your external food police are people who say things like “Do you really need more mashed potatoes?” or “You’re gonna regret that second slice of pecan pie!”

Regardless of the food cop’s intentions, you have the right to eat whatever you want without having someone negatively comment on, criticize, judge or question your choices.

Whether it’s a family member, partner or friend patrolling your eating, it’s important to set boundaries regarding what comments are inappropriate and unwelcomed. Here are a few comebacks:

• I trust myself to give my body what it needs.

• You mind your own plate and I’ll mind mine.

• I know you mean well, but your comments aren’t helpful.

3. Say No to Food Pushers

Whether they are trying to express their love, be a gracious host or offload their extra food, food pushers can be tricky to say no to, especially when they’re persistent. However, you’re under no obligation to take food you don’t want, either because you’re full or simply don’t desire it.

If a simple “No, thank you” doesn’t work, try responding with:

• It looks so yummy but I’m full; I’d love to take some home or get your recipe.

• I’d really love to eat more, but couldn’t possibly swallow another bite without feeling uncomfortably full.

• I know I usually say yes, however, I’m trying to honor the messages my body is sending me, and right now, it's telling me it's full! I’m sure you can respect this.

4. Squash the Diet and Weight Talk

“I’m being so bad! Today is definitely my cheat day!"

“This is a calorie bomb! We'll need to burn this off tomorrow!”

"I can't believe how many carbs I'm eating. I'm going to pay for this!"

During the Thanksgiving feast, it’s not uncommon to hear remarks like these. Nor is it uncommon for such remarks to trigger feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame.

Set an intention before the festivities to not participate in diet and weight talk. Instead, switch the topic to travel, sports, or the reason for the season—gratitude.

For more tips, check out this post from ED Care.

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How have you managed to avoid emotional eating on the holidays? Share in the comments below.

What Are the Most Common Symptoms of Anxiety?

I’ve begun to ask questions about anxiety on the Instagram Beautiful Voyager channel, and the results are eye-opening. Here is a recent question I asked my fellow beautiful voyagers:

I asked about “anxiety signals",” but that was just my way of asking people what their symptoms are. I think of my physical symptoms as a signal of what is happening internally.

Since the moment I found out that I have generalized anxiety disorder, I’ve been tuned in the role of physical pain and anxiety. I knew that I was a lifelong migraine sufferer (my mother remembers me holding my hand up to my head as a small child) who had terrible motion sickness and nausea. But learning about how anxiety exhibits different symptoms for different people fascinated me. Here are some of the most common symptoms of anxiety, as discovered through the Beautiful Voyager community.

Common Symptoms of Anxiety

1. Stomach and/or Digestive Pain

   Stomach issues are part and parcel with anxiety. From irritable bowel syndrome to nausea to a “gurgling” stomach, our stomaches are often signals of something happening at a deeper level.

“Skating over issues” wasn’t a symptom I had heard before. I was fascinated because it made sense!

2. Clenched Jaw

Have you ever massaged that spot right next to your ear? The one where your jawbone meets your skull? You might be surprised to feel how much tension you hold in that one space. Jaw-clenching is a very common sign of anxiety.

3. Obsessive Chatter

Have you ever found yourself talking and talking, skittering from topic to topic, your mind roaming ahead of you? This could be a sign of anxiety. Though it’s not a physical symptom, tuning into the kind of behavior that points to anxiety can be a powerful part of connecting the dots for your own journey.

Next time, try to tune into what you’re really talking about. You might be surprised by what you find.

4. Stiff Neck

Even as a little kid, I would get the kinds of stiff necks that made me lift one shoulder up close to my ear. Sadly, it was no Peanuts-style dance move, but tense, ropey muscles that were trying to tell me something. I didn’t listen until I learned that stiff necks are a sign of anxiety.

5. Compulsive Eating

Compulsive eating is when you mindlessly stuff food into your mouth without connecting to your body or your feeling of fullness. It can also be a common sign of anxiety.

6. Moodiness

Have you ever found yourself angry for seemingly no reason? Or edgy in greater proportion than the situation called for? Since mood swings can be a sign of anxiety, spotting the symptoms can help you tap into what’s really bothering you when you’re in the middle of a mood swing.

Common symptoms of anxiety range from headaches, neck stiffness, and back pain to nausea, poor digestion (and trouble pooping). For some people, anxiety exhibits itself as mood swings, anger, or edginess. As you can tell from the list above, anxiety symptoms greatly vary from person to person. The first step toward understanding your own anxiety signals is to spot how varied they really are.

Do you have any surprising anxiety symptoms? Share your experience in the comments.

When Do Most People Experience Anxiety During the Day?

I’ve begun to ask questions about anxiety on the Instagram Beautiful Voyager channel, and the results are eye-opening. Here is a recent question I asked my fellow beautiful voyagers:

I really wanted to know how my experience differed from others, so I asked…

I knew my own anxiety really well, and knew that it tended to hit in morning hard. I started this thread by sharing my own experience:

Yep. My anxiety spikes in the morning. Is that because of my lowered cortisol levels in the morning?

But I wasn’t posting to learn more about myself. I was posting to learn more about others. What were they experiencing? When did their anxiety hit? The answers began to roll in.

Bedtime, I found, was a common theme.

This response came in from a fellow BV in London, England. He knows his anxiety well.

Another vote for bedtime. Since I love bedtime, this is a big eye-opener for me.

Another vote for nighttime. I definitely feel this too. Do you? I hate a 2 AM wakeup.

I find it fascinating that so many people are mentioning bedtime on this thread. It’s made me ask people about their experience in real life, too. And guess what? Bedtime is a very common time when people experience anxiety. As a matter of fact, I haven’t talked to anyone yet who has morning anxiety the way I do. I’m sure they’re out there, though.

So there you have it. Many of us experience anxiety at different times of the day. It may be morning for me, but for others, it’s definitely bedtime. And those of us who have trouble sleeping will testify to the anxiety symptoms that happen in the middle of the night.

What about you? When do you experience anxiety? Share your experience in the comments.

How to Know If Your Child Is Dealing with Anxiety

Searching for trends is confusing when every day brings its own ups and downs.

It can be hard to spot a mental health problem among typical everyday anxieties.

If you think of a child, you typically think of silly and playful. They can say the weirdest things and operate without a care in the world. But children can also be hyper and wound-up, afraid of the monster under the bed or other “irrational” things (to our adult minds).

Everyone gets anxious, including children. As a parent, it can be difficult to know whether your child’s behavior is a normal part of development, a personality quirk, or a sign of something more serious. What’s the difference between a passing phase and a real problem? If your child is displaying worrisome signs, are they hinting at an anxiety issue?

Anxiety in Children

Here’s something that may surprise you:

Anxiety is the most common psychiatric disorder among children. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 31.9% of children have an anxiety disorder. Girls are more likely to have anxiety than boys.

By definition, anxiety is excessive fear or worry. It may have no apparent “trigger” and manifest as a general uneasiness (generalized anxiety disorder) or a very clear one, such as being in public or interacting with people (social anxiety disorder).

Whatever the specific diagnosis, anxiety disorders have some similar calling cards, such as

• Difficulty sleeping

• Not wanting to eat or eating way too much

• Persistent nausea, headaches, unexplained sickness

• Refusing to go to school, birthday parties, sleepovers

• Avoidance of certain things such as places or situations

• Being high-strung, jittery, or jumpy- like they are wound too tight

• Intense fear about certain things or situations

• Excessive worry about school, friends, family, etc.

Parents spend a lot of time with their children and often know them best. While it may not always be clear anxiety is at play, monitoring changes in your child’s behavior and mood can help catch signs something isn’t normal.

Problems at School

Children spend a lot of their time at school, so it makes sense that mental health problems would manifest in the academic environment.

Anxious children may complain they do not feel well right before the school bus arrives. Almost immediately after a parent makes the decision to let them stay home, their symptoms miraculously disappear, only to come back the next morning.

If your child frequently complains of nausea or asks to see the school nurse and no physical reason is found, this may indicate a mental health problem like anxiety.

In addition to refusing to go to school, which usually happens during a transition like entering middle school, children with anxiety may also get poor grades in school. They may have anxiety when it is time to take a test or trouble focusing on their work.

Since anxiety is commonly manifested at school, talking to teachers and administrators about your child’s behavior can alert you to a potential mental health issue.

Traumatic Events

The idea that children are resilient and good at “bouncing back” from traumatic events is an antiquated one, as research through the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study and others show trauma has lasting effects on a child’s brain. Although some children may respond appropriately to trauma, such as a divorce, death, bullying, etc., others may experience lasting behavioral changes that can manifest as anxiety. If your child has experienced a traumatizing event and is showing signs of distress, it may indicate a deeper mental health issue that needs addressed.

What to Do If You Think Your Child Might Have Anxiety

1. Talk to Your Kids.

A mother we’ll call Amanda, has a 12-year-old child with anxiety, shares her journey to help other parents. She encourages parents to begin talking to their children about mental health when they are young.  

“Talk about how they respond to their own emotions and build awareness of these responses, at age-appropriate levels,” she says, “Begin a mental-health conversation with your kids as early as possible so that there is never any fear or confusion about them coming to you to discuss what's going on in their brains, no matter how big or small.”

2. Ask Yourself These Questions.

This study through the University of British Columbia found just two questions were effective at determining whether a child is struggling with anxiety. These questions are “Is my child more shy or anxious than other children his or her age?” and “Is my child more worried than other children his or her age?”

Although it’s never fun to play the comparison game, this is one comparison that could help you draw the line between behavior that is no big deal and that suggesting anxiety.

In addition to asking yourself this, don’t be afraid to ask your child questions about their mental state. “Ask clinical questions, the same way you might if your kid has a cold,” Amanda advises parents. Answers to questions about how they feel, what events are happening in their lives, how they are sleeping, etc., can be compared with what you are seeing as a parent to determine if help is needed.

3. Normalize Feelings.

Encourage your child to express their feelings, whether good or bad, happy or sad. Assure them it is okay to feel what they are feeling. This is especially critical for young boys, who are often told to repress their feelings.

“Normalizing helps people put their concerns in perspective. Feeling like they are the only person in the world to have a problem is an isolating, shameful feeling,” psychologist David Nathan says.

The more a child is able to freely express their feelings without fear of how a parent will respond, the more likely they will be to tell you if they have feelings that alarm them, such as anxiety.

4. Assume there is a Clear Reason.

It can be tempting to brush off mood or behavior changes as directly related to something happening in your child’s life, such as school stress or issues with friends. By doing this, though, you are telling your child their anxiety must have a rational explanation and those who struggle with anxiety know this is not true.

“Don't try to force a "reason" for a sudden personality change if you see your child is not doing well,” mother Amanda says.

Real Life Example #1

Amanda’s child came home from school one day and told her he felt a weird feeling again that day during class. He described feeling afraid to get up from his chair, afraid to turn around or something "bad" might happen. She began to ask him questions about the experience and found out this feeling lasted the entire class and there was noting that happened before class like confrontation with a bully that could be the cause of this anxiety. "Did you understand, while it was happening, that it was unusual or not rational?” He replied yes, but that he still couldn’t help the feeling or get it to go away. "Okay, sweetie. Thank you for telling me about this symptom,” she said, “I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but glad it went away."

Real Life Example #2

As a child, Lisa* always had trouble sleeping. Throughout the night, she would continually check the clock for the time and worry over not having enough sleep for school the next morning. Her worry got to the point she would become nauseous and wake up her parents. They didn’t understand why she felt sick every night. She also worried about not being able to sleep when going to sleepovers and would feel so sick her parents had to pick her up. It felt out of her control.

Answering: “Is it Just a Phase?”

It’s no secret children go through phases. One day they may be obsessed with dinosaurs and the next, airplanes. These obsessions are fairly harmless and tend to pass, but sometimes what initially seems like “just a phase” may continue month after month and harm your child’s ability to live every day.

The real indicator of a mental health issue is if it persists and impacts a person’s ability to function and do what they want to do. For example, if your child insists on avoiding play dates for months and it is impacting her friendships and self-confidence, anxiety may be a root cause.

Getting help

The sad reality of children and adolescents living with anxiety is the majority go without getting relief from their symptoms for long periods of time.

A stunning 80% of children with an anxiety disorder don’t receive any treatment, according to a report by the Child Mind Institute. It takes the average child ten years to receive help after their symptoms first appear.

There are many reasons for this, including the negative perception of having a mental health problem. Both child and parent may be understandably wary of the “anxiety” label, so they try to wait it out, believing symptoms will go away on their own.

For Amanda, prior experience with a family member and recognized her child needed help. “Just like if your child had a virus or some painful "physical" issue happening that needed attention, you would not delay a moment to help them find health and comfort immediately.”

If you’re unsure whether your child is dealing with anxiety, it’s always best to air on the side of caution and reach out to a professional who can look at all of the symptoms as a whole. Sometimes a third-party, educated viewpoint is helpful to determine if there is cause for concern.

However you get to the decision to get help for your child, let them know you are on their team. “Assure your child you are working with them to make them feel better and well as soon as you can. Let them know that helping them feel better is critically important and every step you are taking with them is about alleviating their symptoms,” Amanda advises.

Do you have a child with anxiety? Was there a moment you realized their behavior wasn’t “just a phase?” Share your experience to help others!

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Rachel Gearinger has her Master’s in Public Health from Ohio State University. She spent two years at the National Alliance of Mental Illness as the Helpline Coordinator before becoming the Associate Director at Ohio Adult Care Facilities. 

The Beautiful Voyager sells useful products in order to be able to pay writers like Rachel to cover important, under-reported topics like this one. Donate to keep this work going.

Is Anxiety Affecting Your Skin?

In a new field called psychodermatology, doctors are exploring the connection between anxiety and the skin.

If you’ve ever had a sudden bout of eczema bloom on your arms or legs while working on a big work presentation or studying for exams, you may already know that anxiety and skin disorders can create a vicious circle. These days, the medical doctors who research topical skin disorders and research the space where psychology and dermatology overlap is called psychodermatology.

Psychodermatology covers a wide range of issues. From “flare-up” issues like psoriasis or acne vulgaris, which are exacerbated by stress, to “self-injury” issues like factitial dermatitis, where people are actually creating lesions on their skin from picking at it, the medical world is just beginning to unravel the connection between skin disorders and anxiety. Is stress causing your skin to flare up? If so, are these flare-ups adding to your anxiety? Here’s what studies show. 

The Body’s Largest Organ

Skin, the body’s largest, fastest-growing, and most visible organ, can signal what’s happening with our nervous systems, our internal bodies. It’s a bit of a revolutionary thought, and it’s not how dermatology, focused solely on the external visible condition, has functioned in the past. For this reason, the field of psychodermatology is a bit controversial.

Patients with skin problems who often drift from one doctor to the next in search of an effective remedy. For the most part this is due to the disparity between treatment approaches and a general misunderstanding of the underlying medical conditions among health professionals.

While cross-collaborations and knowledge of alternative treatment options are gaining traction among psychologists, general practitioners, and dermatologists, this is far from being the norm.

Starting with Diagnosis

Many conditions can be helped with a psychodermatological approach including:

• Psoriasis

• Prurigo

• Urticaria

• Lichen simplex

• Rosacea

• Hyperhidrosis or excessive sweating

• Seborrheic dermatitis

• Eczema

• Aphthosis

• Hives

• Acne

• Skin allergies

• Hair loss

Although criticism of the approach focuses on its lack of corroborating data, anecdotal evidence shows that psychodermatology is proving to be highly beneficial for patients who would otherwise continue to struggle with a seemingly incurable condition, in part because it helps address self-image issues that go hand-in-hand with skin disorders.

Self-Image Issues

The emotional effects of skin disorders are similar to the disorders of self-image spawned from the lack of positive nurturing during childhood. The pervasive nature of skin disorders often produces neurotic symptoms, depression and hostile personality traits in the patient. They can exacerbate pre-existing feelings, like sensitivity to the attitudes of society or anticipation of rejection. Incidentally, there happens to be a higher prevalence of these simultaneous medical conditions among female dermatological patients, widows and widowers.

The psychological stress of low self-steem can be sufficient to upset the permeability of the epidermal barrier, thus disrupting homeostasis, which causes some inflammatory skin disorders. Inflammatory skin diseases caused by psychiatric conditions act on the body’s neuro-immuno-cutaneous system (NICS), which is responsible for interactions between the nervous system, the body’s natural immune system, and the skin. Over a third of dermatology patients are treated through this complex interplay of the neuroendocrine and immune systems.

Chicken and Egg

Which is the trigger, the skin disease or the anxiety? A person dealing with acne is likely to have more emotional stress due to their appearance and thus, the added stress makes the existing acne persist. Studies have shown that young people with acne are at increased risk of depression, anxiety and suicide attempts. It can become a vicious cycle where the psychological response symptoms further exacerbate the skin disorder. Since we can’t always answer the chicken or egg dilemma, it’s important to find relaxation techniques and medications that will help with daily stress management. Here are some places to begin:

• Biofeedback

• Meditation

• Breathing

• Hypnosis-induced relaxation

• Behavioural techniques

• Operant conditioning

• Affirmation

• Guided imagery

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Symptom-control imagery training

• Antidepressants

 Therapeutic goals in the treatment of psychodermatologic diseases include reducing symptoms, improving sleep, and managing the various psychiatric symptoms like social embarrassment and withdrawal, along with the associated anxiety and anger.

Psychodermatologists see skin from both a biological and a psychosocial perspective. In learning how the mind and body respond to emotional and environmental stressors, practitioners are able to help moderate those responses.

Only with increased understanding will these issues and approaches between primary care physicians, psychiatric practitioners and dermatologists be beneficial.

Hippocrates, the father of medicine, said, "Who has the disease is as important as the disease they have." By delving into the personal history of a person’s aspirations and disappointments, family dynamics and childhood issues, it’s possible to identify the emotional switch or triggers that turn on the symptoms of skin diseases. 

Hayley Sloan is a medical writer for The Breslow Center in Paramus, New Jersey.

When Fame Comes Early and Anxiety Follows

I did not want to be “that child star” for the rest of my life.

One thing that scares me the most is talking about myself. How much is too much? And how less is not enough? Will they judge? Will they be shocked? Do they even want to know?

Some important background: As a child, I was an actor on a popular TV series in India. I grew up on the TV. The camera and books were my best friends. Born to extremely humble and “normal — middle class” parents, me being on TV was a big thing. Some people in my family appreciated and acknowledged what I was doing, but most didn’t, so it was just the three of us through it all. I went to a decent school, got good grades but school was just something I did apart from my work.

As a child, I was an actor on a popular TV series in India.

I did not want to be “that child star” for the rest of my life.

Growing up with the world watching you on TV is not easy. They watch your every movie and they follow you everywhere. They want to know what you ate and how much. They want to know where you slept and with whom. While other kids were making friends, pulling pranks on teachers and playing hopscotch during the summer holidays, I was in front of the camera pretending to be a new person everyday and understanding the value of money. No, money was never something my family needed, but an added income always helps right? I bought our first car at 14 and our first own house at 21.

But I did not want to be “that child star” for the rest of my life. I wanted people to know me not just as the characters I played, but for who I am. My relationship with Bollywood was like a mutual break up. I didn’t want to do certain roles, and the industry was more than happy to work with new faces. I went completely awol, not to be seen on social media except for a few pictures from the last photo-shoot, always on the “look how they grew up to be” or “where are these child stars now” lists. I went to college, got an education, started working and doing different things. “Hey, aren’t you that girl from that TV show?” never left me.

Some of the best times I’ve had were on the film sets; some of the most amazing people I’ve met are from the industry. My life was a fairytale, just like my show and it was indeed a dream come true. I still get recognized and it is flattering, but it is also very uncomfortable. Mostly because the image that people have of me is not what I really am. I am in my pajamas all day, messy hair and feeling crappy about myself at all times. I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression and I don’t like to be around people. I suck at society. But that’s not what they want to hear.

What It Feels Like Inside

I am a torrent of anxiety, in the pit of disrepair and illustriously bound to the banks of a raging river of ripped up stories, poems, and legends never told. The Vial I hold is filled with vile putrid secrets unbecoming of my own scornful mind. They are not my secrets, not mine alone they are the hidden fears, phobias, and shames of many lucid souls. I pour into the maelstrom of an eternal mystery, the gods of woe, writing, willpower they are laughing and sobbing in a cacophony of screams never ripped from shattered minds.

The Poetry Within

As I bleed synthetic hollow echoes of hallucination from wounds I have not yet received, scars not yet born nor, are these lacerations to live ever, I learn that my carelessness has cornered me into a vale of memory. A ferocious beast, a lion of decrepit despair, and depression roars at me in with rage and pure vengeful power beyond imagination and comprehension.
I am an injured insignificant rat bound to a fetid corner of this malignant prison. It is with this I nearly succumb to fear and boundless possibilities of hells that could await my shell and soul.
The Valkyrie from Voracious Valhalla she comes, with spear of spiritual courage, and shield of healing hope, and the soul of the wolf and its determination to press onward. I was reborn in that moment, the revelations of Renaissances from past, present, and future and far beyond ripped into my body, mind, and soul. Just as a rat will fight when cornered and a wolf when injured even if beyond all hope, it will fight if it still has “teeth”, and I was ready as battle for creation, curiosity, and tempered true love was begun

The war against the lion still rages on this day, though one wolf cannot do it alone, for they hunt and fight in packs, as friends, family, of all sorts rip at the hateful lion of lovers lost, void, and grief. It is a battle fought by many against demons, lions, and despair, and men, women and, even children fight these battles everyday in their own soul and mind. Let the lovers of life win and the hells of malady of mind be subdued and defeated, for we cannot truly kill our “lions” or “demons” but we can subjugate them. To do much though is an uphill battle for many and we all could use a little help….join in the fight.

I am not going to take all the credit for the acting I did, it was a lifetime ago. All these kids that grew up to be actors, they all came after me. They came in the age of YouTube and Netflix, they know what to say and how to dress. Back in the day my mother packed my clothes for the shoot next day. Times have changed and how! I don’t know if I will act again, I might if something interesting comes my way. As a kid, during interviews, when they asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I always said director or writer or camerawoman. It was anything but acting. Well, only time will tell.