Anxiety and People Pleasing

I've never been conflict avoidant (I could do a one-person Mortified of my stands taken at the wrong time). But being diagnosed with GAD has shown me how uncomfortable I am with personal discord.

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Knope-like behavior.

I'll go out of my way to make sure that the people close to me—particularly boyfriends, best friends, and bosses—are happy with me. It's like seeking approval, but as it's the daily baseline, it's really making sure the status quo is intact. If things aren't the way they're supposed to be, I hone in on what needs to be fixed, and either get active to fix the problem, or ruminate at length (all of my twenties) on all of the possible things that could be wrong and possible outcomes.

So what's wrong with being a pleaser? People like a pleaser. Knope gets elected (doesn't she? I didn't watch the show after Season 2).

Outwardly, there's nothing wrong with it. But the problem is that working too hard to keep things status quo at all costs can mask deeper problems. They can keep a person from tuning in from what they're really feeling, or changes they may need to make. For me, they've led to big disruptions that happen when I finally "wake up" to what's really happening, as if from a crazy dream.

Not good.

I don't have the answers. But I think it starts with tuning in. If, like me, you've found yourself in similar patterns in the past and found that it's really, really important that the people around you not be mad at you, you might want to ask yourself why that is.

This part is easier for me to write than to believe: you can't always please the people you want to. They are going to be upset with you at times. Allowing that to happen, and seeing where it leads without trying to "solve" it immediately, might help you down the line.

(Meredith, you should listen to this person, seems like she knows what she's talking about...)

Originally published Jan 07, 2016. Updated March 13, 2017.

A Loose Stab at a BV Podcast: Listen to People Pleasing

This appeared during a search for "juicy." That's how I think of the Topic we're covering today.

If you haven't heard it before, a few things to note about The Beautiful Voyager podcast:

• It's recorded and served entirely through an app called Anchor. This means you can't subscribe to it through your normal channels. You can listen to it here or if you have downloaded Anchor.
• It is in a format that is unique to Anchor, where it's broken up into "waves." There is an initial 2-minute wave, and then subsequent 1-minute waves. Each are labeled by topic.
• Sometimes you'll hear people ask question in the middle of the podcast. Anchor is incredibly interactive, which is its strength, but it can make for confusing listening.
• The current episode, embedded below, is episode 3. To hear previous episodes and read about the origins of the podcast, check out this post.

Without further ado...

"Our Tastes Define Us."

I'm a big fan of the writer whose voice you hear in this video, Helen Rosner. Helen writes about wide-ranging topics with sensitivity, awareness, and insight. I think she's one of the best food writers out there. In the wake of Robin Williams' suicide she wrote about depression's slack black hole in the middle of her life. I found myself recognizing little details in a way that don't usually hit me in other personal essays on the topic.

Helen's point, and it's a good one, also happens to be a classic GAD trigger. When people ask for restaurant recommendations, she says, they're usually trying to be seen in a certain way for a certain need. Nothing's simple about that simple question. We're motivated by our own desires to control how we're perceived. So when Helen's podcast co-host, Greg Morabito, says, in what sounded to me like an offhanded, matter-of-fact voice, "Our tastes define us," I wonder if he has idea what kind of reverb that statement has for an anxious person.

GAD complicates everything, but for me, this thicket is one of the thorniest. The idea that others are judging me based on external components like what I wear or where I choose to eat throws me into an avoidance spiral. For those of you who've known me in the professional context, you might find that interesting or even contradictory. But the truth is that I always want to be liked, and I definitely want to get "it" right—whatever it might be. If a person is defined by their tastes, they will necessarily alienate others who are defined by differing or contradictory tastes. GAD wants me to commit without committing.

Thinking about it a bit more, the fact that I worked on a food site for so long actually makes a lot of sense. I'm both drawn to choosing the "right" thing while trying to avoid any judgements from the outside world. I just want it both ways. The shield of brand-taste helps take the pressure off the individual. (Apple's made millions off this very idea.) Ultimately, though, you're stuck with yourself. If you've spent so much time avoiding and pleasing, how do you figure out what your true tastes are? And without that, do you lack definition? 

Oh GAD, what a tangled web you weave.