Meet a Voyager: Rachel Hunter

Editor’s note: Rachel emailed to ask if she could share an essay about her mental health in honor of the launch of her new blog, Positively Anxious. She describes her goal as “to help others who might be experiencing the same issues feel seen and supported, and to put a splash of positivity into the planet, too!” Here’s her post!

Ohh Rachel, you worry too much. Oh Rachel, just relax! Hey Rachel, uh, I think you’ve sweated through your shirt…yep, all phrases I have heard uttered countless times in my worrisome little life. You see, I have an anxiety disorder called, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (maybe you’ve heard of it?), and like the other 6.8 million people it affects in the US, we know all too well that it can sometimes blow some hot stanky ass. In case you aren’t familiar with GAD, it is mental health condition that involves persistent anxiety that interferes with your daily life. For me, this also includes panic attacks and more recently, PMDD, but it can look differently on different people.

My earliest memory of having anxiety was when I was around 10 years old and was having some trouble falling asleep at night. Each night, my young brain would swirl with worry about mostly irrational and out of my control things, like natural disasters, diseases, and car accidents. My nightly prayers became a loooong list that took me several minutes to rattle off each night. It was exhausting, but I was too terrified to leave anything or anyone out. One time I saw an outbreak of meningitis on the news and couldn’t stop worrying about contracting it. The news anchor had mentioned if you could touch your chin to your chest, you didn’t have it, so every night and every morning, I would lower my neck to verify I could still touch my chin to my chest. Looking back, this makes me really sad. I didn’t know any other 10 year olds checking themselves for meningitis every day! I knew something was wrong, but as a kid, I didn’t fully understand what.

It would be years later in college when I would finally get diagnosed. I was in the student center and it was mental health week. I had never had any school or program ever hold a mental health week before. It was early days in the discussion of mental health and there was still a stigma around talking about mental issues. I feel awful saying this now, but back then, I was worried everyone would think I was crazy, so I never told any adult what I was going through. Aside from my best friend, I kept it to myself and handled it the best way I could. But suddenly, here it was, being talked about out in the open, so I wandered around and found the anxiety booth. I snuck a pamphlet and poured over it back at the dorm. And let me tell you what- it felt SO good! As I read it, I was like, yes! That’s me! Omg, I feel all these things! Yes, I do have panic attacks! Yes, I do have unwanted thoughts and nervous sweating! I felt so seen and for the first time, so relaxed. It had a name. There were other people like me. And the best part? My school offered free counseling. For real?!

In those counseling sessions, I found out which type I had (GAD) and learned some handy coping techniques. I also talked for the first time about what I was experiencing with an adult. It changed a lot for me. I am eternally grateful that my school offered this service free of charge for students. I hope every college always offers free counseling, and I hope every kid that needs it is brave enough to grab that pamphlet and make an appointment.

I also hope everyone has a roomate like I did, who when she noticed I was always gone around the same time every week and not for a class or for work, asked me what was going on. After dodging the question for weeks, I finally confessed I was going to therapy for my anxiety. She looked at me, smiling and said, “Oh, cool. I’m really happy for you.’”

I said, “Really? You don’t think it’s weird?”

“Nah, I always knew you were crazy,” she playfully joked, and then we both burst out laughing and went to get dinner. Just like that, it was no big deal. It was nice to be accepted just as I was.

So now, here I am, a million years later, wanting to talk about it. ALL OF IT. So no one feels left out or crazy or ashamed like I did. Because as great as the help I received in my youth was, this is something I deal with on a daily basis, and always will.

But it is also only one part of me. One super inconvenient and often overwhelming part of my bad-ass self. There is a lot more to my story. And to yours, too.

So while we may anxiously fear the big bad unknown, we can also try to embrace the good stuff for as long as we can. After all, the other side to this blog is POSITIVITY. And these days, that is my main focus. I want to help us all find ways to cope so we can give more of our energy to finding our purpose,  maintaining healthy relationships, and enjoying many years of good health. I’m not talking about that easy cheesy optimism, but rather a true joyful outlook. It requires acknowledging the hurt, pain, and devastating facts of our world and doing our best to process these things (and help others where we can!) while still striving for joy. It requires honesty, courage, and putting in the work. But trust me, no matter what you are feeling or where you are at in your journey, I promise you are worth the work.

So now that you know my past, let me catch you up a little on my present. I am a new mom (hello nothing but scary unknowns!), a kick-ass wife,  a rock climber, hiker, & dancer.

I am a feverish night owl. TV and movies are my jam.

I am overly particular about almost everything. I ruminate and question almost everything.

Eating real food and being in nature feels like a big hug to me. Music, a well timed fart, and abundant sunshine bring me glee.

I am someone with a mental health disorder.

I am positively anxious.

Rachel is a writer and new mom based in Colorado. She studied film at Kent State University and in a past life, ran a sketch comedy group, made a parody video about boobs, and wrote a short film about love. She loves to create, and can often be found hiking in all seasons with her husband and the brightest, sweetest little girl in the world.

Meet a Voyager: Mike Mather

Mike Mather is the founder of the Dharmaholic newsletter and community, and this bird is their mascot.

Q: Can you tell me about your childhood?

I was born in 1963 in Brisbane with 2 larger sisters, and in 1965, a sickly brother was born. Just before my 6th birthday, David died. That year, my only male cousin choked and died, and my granddad passed after mowing the lawn. Dad and I were the only males the eye could see.

Photo taken right before Mike’s dad died and Mike got sober.

My father was a heavy drinker and hit the bottle hard then, and my mum, sisters, and I suffered from that as well as the loss. What he didn’t tell until later was that he fathered another daughter in 1965. He was trying to support that child too.

Eventually, he stayed sober for 3 years and got financially and physically fit. My sisters married young, and I was Mum’s only one left. Dad began to drink again, and Mum made me a surrogate spouse.

Q: How did that affect your life? What about your mental health?

I didn't know about mental health then. I felt that my family was the best in the world.
A sobering alcoholic is a very hard person to live with, and my dad didn't have AA, therapy, or spirituality to help him with this transformation. I remember he was very strict with my sisters and me, including 'Be seen and not heard', 'Go to church on Sunday and holy days, and 'Do what I say, not what I do'. So, my mental health? I was a crier and got teased about it by my brothers-in-law. I became a very studious and pious boy and never missed a day at school, went to Mass every Sunday with my sisters or alone, and I played all the sports I could manage. In hindsight, I was trained to not feel but to do. My sisters both married when I was around 9. I was also being nurtured by my grieving mother.

Q: What happened next in your life?

I got my girlfriend pregnant, and we married. Adam was born. I began to drink alcohol right from the start and was seeing a psychiatrist at 20. We divorced in our early 20s, and I tried several selling professions to make a career.

From left: Sebastion, Imagen, Mike and Adam

Sebastian and Imogen were born from a chaotic yet convenient relationship. I was pretty successful at Real Estate and owned my own agency for a while but went bankrupt in the late 20th Century.

Mike and Imogen

Imogen and Sebastian moved with their mother to Ireland, but Sebby didn’t like it, so I flew him home, and he lived with his drunken Dad for 15 years. Imogen and her mother came back to Australia. Imogen died of complications arising from her Down Syndrome in 2019. Seb now lives with his Mum and doesn’t answer my calls.

I now have a long-term partner, Heather. She is also a sober alcoholic. I received a small inheritance and restored a 1967 vintage caravan, in which I live. It is 2m × 4m. I pull it around Australia in a 20-year-old Subaru Forrester.

Q:  How do you describe the link between mental health and alcoholism? 

Alcoholism is a mental, physical, and spiritual disease. I have a mental obsession to drink to alleviate pain or suffering. The physical craving then steps in and I cannot stop when I want to. I do not know if I was bipolar as a child, but the highs for me are very high, and in our family, we drank to celebrate anything. My depression feels like it has always been there, and my father suffered badly too. He would take sick leave often and sit in front of the TV, shouting out for more cups of tea for hours. When he drank, he always got drunk. I not only saw this as role-modelling, but I was powerless to do otherwise. Alcohol relieved all my suffering until it began to cause suffering. I became a morning drinker in my thirties. 

Q:  What about when you got sober? What finally helped you get sober?
I have rarely worked in this century, but due to the Disability Support Pension the government gave me when I was 44 I have had an income. I was back living with my Mum and Dad in the coastal paradise apartment that I sold them. Dad’s lung cancer got worse, and he died. One year after that, I got sober.

I cared for my mother when I got sober in 2008 until she needed full-time High-care.

It took me 2.5 years of going to AA before I stayed sober for more than 50 days. I am now 15 years sober. The week that I finally got sober, I went to my first Buddhist Dharma class, and I combined Dharma and AA for my spiritual resurrection.

Being a solid part of both the Kadampa Buddhist community and AA has saved my life.

Q:  How did you find Buddhism? Can you describe what you felt when you discovered it? 

I became a reader of all matters Theological when I turned my back on religion the day after I got married (I was a grown-up now!) Eastern mysticism seemed attractive and the Beatles might have helped. When I was struggling with AA, and on the first anniversary of dad's death, I picked up a flyer for a Buddhist class that was on the next Thursday night. On Monday, I got valium for the DTs from the doctor, went to AA every day, and began to study Tibetan Buddhism in a newly formed group in my city of Gold Coast. I did a lot of service work for both organisations and felt a sense of purpose for something other than me and my family.

Q:  How do you support yourself now?

I write a weekly newsletter structured around a 12-month cycle of Dharma and AA work. My Dharmaholic business has just made a little income this week. I have plans to build a platform that combines the two guidelines provided by Buddhist philosophy and the framework of the 12-Step Workbook. There will be courses to complete and people to associate with that can bring relief from suffering and a genuine community.

Myself, I feel that approaching 60 without any money or security is scary. I have the opportunity to share the experiences that I have been blessed to have with others. The digital age has certainly provided that opportunity.

I feel some real responsibility to give back what was given me. The Kadampa Buddhist community is a worldwide organisation that helps spread Tibetan Buddhism in the West, and AA is a worldwide community that helps alcoholics achieve and maintain sanity without drinking.

Q:  If you could share one piece of wisdom about mental health and alcoholism to your younger self, what would you share? 
You're not that important. You are unique, valuable, and precious, but your life is not all about you. Our interdependence is what is real, and constantly trying to fix your own problems is a losing game. Help others and learn from the experience of giving compassion. The rewards in life come from giving of yourself, not from getting for yourself.

Q:  What do you wish people understood about you that they might not?
Being an introverted, bipolar man, I tend to enjoy the business of learning how to do “the business,” more than actually meeting and helping people. At least, that’s the story I tell myself.

I am a part of both houses—on my own terms, in my caravan.

Meet a Voyager: Richard Sison

Photo courtesy Fight Coop and Richard Sison.

I learned about Richard when he emailed to ask if he could share a piece about mental health and martial arts on Bevoya.com. At first, I assumed that he was like so many people who write me — looking for a linkback. (Link backs are the currency of SEO rankings, which means if my site links to another site, it can appear higher in Google results). What I found, though, is that Richard was sincere in his desire to write about his own past experiences with anxiety. I love how he describes it in this interview as a “weird feeling” that he treated for years only with martial arts. Or how it can be difficult to fear being judged when practicing martial arts.

If you’ve been thinking about giving martial arts a try, and you’re hoping it might help with your own mental health, read on to learn more about how one expert in the field thinks about the connection.

Q: Can you tell us about your background — where did you grow up? What was your family like? 

I had the privilege of growing up in the Canadian city of Vancouver, known for its mountains and oceans. It was a place where the scent of ocean breeze mingled with the vibrant energy of a diverse and welcoming community.

My family shaped my journey within this nurturing environment, especially regarding my deep-rooted love for martial arts. I was blessed to be part of a close-knit family consisting of my loving parents and two amazing sisters.

My father, an engineer, always had a knack for problem-solving and instilled in me a thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement. His unwavering support and belief in my abilities became a guiding light throughout my martial arts journey. He often shared stories of perseverance and determination from his life experiences, inspiring him during moments of doubt.

My mother, a dedicated nurse, possessed an unparalleled nurturing spirit. She taught me the importance of compassion on and off the training mat. Her gentle encouragement and genuine interest in my martial arts pursuits helped foster a sense of empathy and humility within me.

Growing up with my two sisters was a constant source of joy and companionship. We embarked on countless adventures together, playing countless games and adventures in the nearby park. Their presence in my life brought an element of camaraderie and mutual support that further fueled my passion for martial arts.

The community in Vancouver itself played a significant role in my upbringing. It was a melting pot of cultures and ideas. I encountered individuals from diverse backgrounds with unique stories and perspectives. This rich tapestry of humanity fostered a sense of acceptance and inclusivity, providing the perfect backdrop for my martial arts journey.

Q: What do you think first drew you to martial arts? Was there a mental health component to the appeal (whether you realized it or not)? 

The allure of martial arts was undeniable when I discovered it as a young and curious teenager. A combination of factors instantly captivated my attention and sparked an unquenchable curiosity. The discipline, focus, and sheer power of martial arts resonated deeply with my spirit.

The intensity and precision of the movements were like a magnet, pulling me toward this captivating world. I was fascinated by the physical and mental challenges of martial arts. The artistry and skill displayed by practitioners ignited a fire within me, urging me to embark on my journey of self-discovery through martial arts.

Like many others, I struggled with maintaining concentration at school as a young boy. However, the discipline instilled by martial arts seeped into various aspects of my life, including my academic pursuits. I discovered that the mental focus and discipline honed through martial arts training translated into improved performance in the classroom. It became a valuable tool for channeling my energy and maintaining a sharp focus on my studies. 

Q: How would you describe your own mental health journey? 

My mental health journey has been winding, filled with triumphs and challenges. Anxiety has been a constant companion, creating hurdles demanding resilience and strength. However, martial arts have been a guiding light, illuminating the way forward and empowering me with the mental fortitude to navigate even the darkest times.

As far as I can remember, I’ve experienced feelings of anxiety. The feeling of something wrong, but I can’t quite put a finger on it. It started at an early age, as mentioned, during grade school, not being able to concentrate. It grew as I got older, and I thought maybe I was just sensitive. I would take criticism worse than others or overthink situations in my head countless times after they happened.

Martial arts and exercise have always made these feelings easier to manage. It wasn’t until I turned 19 that my mental health journey reached a climax when my dad died from cancer. Being young and equipped with stoicism learned from martial arts, I dug my feet in and didn’t allow myself to feel pain. At the time, I viewed this as a weakness to overcome.

Doing so didn’t allow me to grieve my loss and hurt many relationships around me. I became irritable and harsh with friends and family. I blamed everyone and everything for my circumstances while wearing a “tough guy” mask and not accepting responsibility for my situation.

It wasn’t until 25 that I decided to seek professional support. My sensei at my Jiu-Jitsu gym guided me to not view mental health as an embarrassment or weakness. Something he said to me stuck with me: “You would go to the dentist for a toothache, so why not go to a counselor for a heartache?”

Fifteen years later and I still attend counseling regularly. Even if I’m not being rocked by life’s undulating waves, it’s beneficial to have a professional ask probing questions and help me understand behaviors and thoughts.

My mental health journey will continue for the rest of my time here. There will be difficulties, but I’ve changed my opinion as I’ve grown older. First off, it’s not shameful to feel depressed or anxious. And more importantly, I strive to teach young men and women not to bottle up how they feel. If you feel like crying, do it. If you feel like yelling, do it. Just feel your emotions and be kind to yourself.

Q: Do you think martial arts help with anxiety, and if so, how? 

After my father passed away at 19, a little “weird feeling” within me grew. My anxiety was left untreated for years and grew silently. Martial arts kept it in check. However, alongside guidance from a mental health professional, this became the “one-two punch” to manage anxiety. I know that the days I practice martial arts are much brighter than those I don’t. This is why I decided to dedicate my life to becoming a teacher. 

However, deciding to try martial arts can be a terrifying experience. Are people judging me? Can I do this? Will I get hurt? These are some of the questions that permeate.

In the beginning, stepping into the martial arts studio was a daunting experience. I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces, my heart pounding, and my mind consumed by self-doubt. However, the supportive and inclusive nature of the martial arts community began to break down the walls of my social anxiety. Fellow practitioners welcomed me with open arms, creating an environment where I felt safe to express myself without judgment.

As I continued training, I realized that martial arts offered a unique blend of physical exercise and mental discipline. The structured and intense workouts pushed me to my limits, demanding a complete focus on precise movements and techniques. Through this process, I discovered that martial arts required me to be fully present now, effectively shifting my attention away from my anxieties and onto the task at hand.

Q: Where do you recommend someone start with martial arts? Example: me. Where should I start?

Martial arts offer several styles, each with unique characteristics and techniques. Research and explore several types to find the one that resonates most with you. I recommend Jiu-Jitsu as a great starting point. You receive the numerous benefits of physical struggle. Still, the risk of injury is much lower because of the lack of striking.

Think about what you hope to achieve through martial arts. Are you interested in self-defense, physical fitness, competition, or personal development? Understanding your goals will help you choose a martial art style and training environment that aligns with your aspirations. Consider factors such as the intensity of training, focus on technique or physical conditioning, and the overall philosophy of martial art.

Take the time to visit different martial arts schools or clubs in your area. Observe classes, speak with instructors, and get a feel for the training environment. Pay attention to factors like the instructor's teaching style, the atmosphere, and professionalism. Finding a school that provides a supportive and inclusive environment where you feel comfortable and motivated to learn is essential.

Many martial arts schools offer beginner-friendly programs or introductory classes designed for newcomers. These classes usually provide a gentle introduction to martial art's basic techniques and concepts, allowing you to build your skills and confidence gradually. Participating in these programs can be a fantastic way to start your martial arts journey and assess if it fits you.

Meet a Voyager: Gregorio “Craig” Lewis

A few weeks ago, Gregorio “Craig” Lewis sent me an unusual email requesting to join the “Meet a Voyager” series. Instead of writing in words, Gregorio sent me a video telling me a little bit about himself and his journey. His genuine warmth and kindness radiated from the screen, and I knew I wanted to learn more about his past. So we did our Q&A in an unusual way: I sent him questions, and he sent me video responses.

One of the things I love about the series is witnessing the vast array of human experience. My role is not to report — it’s to listen and witness the stories of people who are earnest in their intentions and spirit. And Gregorio is definitely that, as I think you will tell by watching any of the videos below.

If you want to read Gregorio’s book, in particular The Craig Lewis Guide to Surviving the Impossible, check out his site.

Q: Can you introduce yourself and describe where you are now?

Hola, greetings from Mexico. My name is Gregorio. My English name is Craig. My last name is Lewis. I am from the state of Massachusetts. Now I live in muy bonito Mexico.

I'll tell you who I am and why I'm here. I am either 49 or 50 years old. That probably tells you quite a lot about me already.

I haven't spoken with my family in six years. That's what happens right? When you become a grown adult and you find out what they did to you when you were a kid and it took you an entire lifetime to get away because when you come from a family of very bad people the only way to get better is to get away so I live here now.

My life is not easy often depending on what your —I guess will say —ideal quality of life is depending on class depending on privilege depending on family support depending on education, depending on all that.

I know how I look. Appearances can be deceiving. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to be part of Meet a Voyager.

Q: It sounds like you've faced many challenges and obstacles in your life. Want to describe just one of them?

The second question you asked about the challenging experiences or obstacles that I faced in my life. Ah, do I want to? What I have learned the very hard way is that no I don't. However what I've also learned is that if I don't talk about it then other people don't understand me which in part is why I think you asked a question like this so my answer is usually always the same answer because it's the same thing I'm trying to heal from my entire life. The answer is when I was 14 years old my very sick and twisted parents used the money they had to purchase a fake and fraudulent diagnosis of schizophrenia for the beautiful 14 year old kid that I once was and then had me drugged daily for 28 years.

Can you imagine what that's like? Can you imagine taking eight to ten pills a day for 28 years for a condition you never had? Can you imagine if you had to wear a cast on your leg because they said it was broken and it was always going to be broken forever for 28 years? Can you imagine having chemotherapy without having the symptoms that would necessitate having chemotherapy for 28 years? Can you imagine taking insulin for diabetes for 28 years and then you find out, much like I did in 2013, that you didn't have the symptoms that require treatment for diabetes. You don't have the the symptoms that required treatment for cancer. That you didn't have a broken leg in the first place.

Yeah, that's what happened to me.

28 years of swallowing approximately 80,000 pills for a condition I never had. Thank the heavens I was able to escape the torture that was being done to me. Do I want to cry every time I think about it? Yeah.

Do I barely remember that it happened to me? Yeah.

Do I live with the effects of it every day? Yeah.

That's the reality that this trauma survivor-superhero-warrior has to live and therefore because that's my option, that is what I do.

Thank you for this question. Have a beautiful afternoon.

Q: What did you do to help yourself navigate hardship?

What did I do to help myself to navigate hardship? Okay, to all the people out there who are doing whatever they're doing and they're doing great and you're feeling good with your mental health and you know respect thumbs up keep doing what you do and if it's working with you, okay.

So my answer to this question is I stopped doing what the mental health providers said I was supposed to do. Chew on that. That's how I help myself through hardship. I stopped listening to the professionals who thought they knew best because of their education and their degrees and their who-knows-what and I started listening to the expert, the professional on me, ta-da… I had to navigate myself through the hardship with an abject lack of support and understanding from those whose profession it is or passion without their help because they weren't really knowledgeable when it came to understanding and working through the trauma that I had. Imagine that: every year in the United States and around the world maybe a million people I don't know a lot of people graduate with these degrees to go to often do mental health work and I can't find more than a couple people like in all of my life experience who can actually help me yeah that says a whole lot more about the mental health profession than it says about me. But it should really say a lot more about me than it says about the mental health profession. Hey it ain't my fault, I have a ninth grade education, I'm my own professional, I navigated myself through hardship. Thanks for this awesome opportunity to share in my most natural way my answer for the question.

Have a beautiful afternoon or evening or morning wherever you are when you see this video. Like we say here in Mexico: abrazos fuerte.

Q: How does mental health fit into your journey? 

Good morning! Now we have question number four, How does mental health fit into my journey? Well if you've been listening to the other videos you know that I have a bit of a funny journey when it comes to what is mental health because my good quality Mental Health seems to be like something considered negative for other people but for me I'm actually really good I'm good as long as I take care of myself as long and as long as I don't take those pills, as long as I get enough sleep as long as I eat good food and am hydrated and I surround myself with good people and you know and I handle my business and like I am responsible and accountable for myself and do the things I need to do that right there is mental health. So for me, my daily life is just trying to maintain the balance and keep on going. Thanks for the question I hope you like my answer. Peace and have a beautiful morning.

Q: What do you wish other people understood about trauma that they might not?

So the final question that I've been asked on this amazing Meet the Voyager website, blog, center of awesomeness is what is it about trauma that I want other people to know that they might not. So for that answer I'm going to have the help of my friend the praying mantis. You see, the praying mantis is shedding its skin as it gets bigger and much like a human when you've experienced trauma sometimes you need to shed your skin. I am an example of a person who for many many years was viewed by others in a certain way in a negative way I also viewed myself in a negative way because of what others said about me. I mean I was officially labeled as a “sick person.” That's a very hard thing to navigate yourself out of. Much like our friend the praying mantis and much like your friend, me. I'm the living proof that what they said might be wrong what they wrote down about you or me or anybody might be wrong and deep down inside most other people don't actually know who you really are on the inside because when you are a trauma survivor the world judges you and I just want everyone to know that I'm a beautiful person on the inside.

So are most all of you who are watching this video.

Anybody who's ever tried to tell you different — to blame you, to hold you at fault, to denigrate you, to demean you, to degrade you— because you had a trauma response to what either someone else did to you or something that happened to you that was unjust or unfair or just if life happens. ‘

You me and all of us we all deserve a big hug and I'm wearing my beautiful shirt from the Cherokee County peer support center in East Texas that says mental health recovery Warriors.

Never quit.

Keep going.

Abrazos fuerte.

Please check out my workbooks: Better Days - A Mental Health Recovery Workbook; The Craig Lewis Guide to Surviving the Impossible and The Original Peer Support Recovery & Coping Skills Workbook & Curriculum. Because I am a recovery mental health healing trauma-advocate-survivor-warrior at sanityisafulltimejob.org. Gratitude, hugs respect to Meredith and all the people out there in the world who are with us today participating in healing themselves and helping others peace.

Thanks for the question I hope you like my answer. Peace and have a beautiful morning.

Meet a Voyager: Christopher Soriano-Palma

Editor’s note: I met Christopher when he reached out to me via Substack chat. I really enjoyed getting to know Christopher and was especially struck by a line of his you will see below: “Social media is a community, and communities can both help and fail you.” That is such a great way of describing the struggle around social media! Christopher’s responses are so thoughtful here. Thank you for shining your light, Christopher.

Q: Tell us about yourself- where did you grow up? What was your family like? 

I was born and raised in Watsonville, CA. It is an agricultural community located on California's central coast. I was raised in a Spanish-speaking Mexican-American household. I am the second of four siblings. 

Q: When did you start writing? What was your earliest writing about? 

I didn't know I wanted to write until I entered my third year of high school. I initially wanted to be a video game developer, but then I grew more interested in reading and storytelling. My very first serious short story was a creative writing assignment for a Spanish Literature class. I wrote a short story about a man who cannot age and die and is cursed to watch everyone else in his life die instead. It was my first attempt at writing fiction, but it led me to write more stories and poems the following summer. By the time I entered my final year of high school, I had already decided to pursue a writing career. 

Q: Can you tell us about your mental health journey? 

I did not know I was depressed until college. I took a leave of absence from my university and came home for a year. I used financial troubles as an excuse among friends. But the truth was that I was severely depressed. I willingly sought a psychiatrist and was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was the first in my family to be diagnosed with a mental illness, and it hurt to believe that there was something wrong with me and me alone. I withdrew from friends and family. I grew jealous of others who appeared happier than me. I hated how they could smile when I couldn't, which made me feel guilty for feeling angry, which made me feel ashamed, which further depressed me, and so on. It was a terrible cycle. My mental illness made me a terrible friend who ended up alone very quickly. My medication kept my mood stable but my emotions numb. I still feel numb. To be quite honest, I haven't felt happiness in over a decade. I've taken medication and attended therapy sessions for years, and that's definitely helped. I'm learning how to handle my diagnosis a little better every year. Despite the challenges, I am relieved to say I am in a much better spot than when I was first diagnosed. It took a lot to get there, though. I'm relieved to still be here. But I'm sad I lost so much time, so many years, to depression. In another life, those could have been happy years. 

Add your own lighthouse to the Lighthouse Map of Overthinkers

Q: What is your dream writing project? What are you most excited about now? 

I have a lot of dream writing projects. I'm constantly at work on something. I moved to Los Angeles a few years ago to continue my writing career, and I'm glad I did. I've met so many like-minded creatives who I have connected with and motivate me to keep going. Naturally being in LA, I have been working on a few screenplays, one of which has a lot of potential. I am also currently at work on a new novel about generational trauma. I'm hoping to have a good draft done by the end of the year, but we'll see. But to come back to your question, I don't think I have one specific dream project. One of the best things about being a creative person is challenging yourself with every new idea. You never know which idea is your magnum opus until the very end. So every new idea excites you more than the last one. I have too many ideas in my head to give up on. My dream is to fill up one bookshelf with my published works, a combination of my poems, stories, novels, essays, screenplays, etc. Just one shelf. If I can do that, I can die happy. 

Q: What do you think people misunderstand about depression, anxiety, and/or bipolar disorder? 

A lot, actually. Having a mental illness is having an invisible illness; you cannot clearly see it. Thus, one can imagine the characteristics of it to be part of one's personality. A person is not their mental illness, and we have a pseudo-scientific self-help mentality within American culture based solely on individualism. It is a culture that both shames people for having a mental illness and even jokes about it to someone's face. While talking about mental illness is no longer a stigma, the language we use for it has entered pop culture and delegitimizes the severity of the illness. It's not funny to joke about being "so bipolar today." There is no break from a real bipolar disorder. It's not just one day you feel your mood shift uncontrollably. It is every day. You cannot self-help your way out of deep despair. You can read all the positivity books on self-improvement all you want. But real depression is the positivity not reaching you. It is all logic thrown out the window. It is you imagining your existence is unnecessary, that the world will move on. It is the invisible fire burning you alive from the inside that there is no saving you. And it's hard to be vulnerable about it because our culture does not value vulnerability. It values a facade of strength. But true strength is in being open with your vulnerability. That you need help. That you need a hug. That you just have to call out of work today because everything is overwhelming and nothing feels right. And you know what? You deserve that damn hug. 

Q: How do you think social media influences mental health? Overall is it for the good, bad, or both? 

Mental illness on social media is a very nuanced conversation that has unfortunately never been accurately discussed. Social media is a tool. Tools are themselves neither good nor bad. There is no fail-safe tool because it will suffer the same weakness every tool has: its user. Social media is a community, and communities can both help and fail you. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I withdrew from my friends and community. I did not want to talk about what I was going through. I felt too ashamed. But one day I opened up on social media. And of all places, that's where I received the most support. Even old friends reached out to reconnect with me after reading my posts. Granted, this is not everyone's experience with social media. There are too many cases where social media becomes incredibly harmful to one's self-esteem. But I believe our culture as a whole is at fault. I am answering this interview right now as genuinely as possible in the hopes that someone with a mental illness will read this and feel less alone and more validated, and this interview itself will be shared on social media. There will be those who will never understand. But that's what's so interesting about communities. You aren't obligated to stay with the wrong ones. You have the right to build communities that will validate you and make you feel safer and more understood. Not everyone will understand you. Some will even attack you. But reach out anyway. You're doing your best. That is enough. 

Christopher Soriano-Palma was born and raised in Watsonville, CA. He graduated with an MFA in Writing from the University of San Francisco and currently lives in Los Angeles. Currently at work on several screenplays and novels, Christopher’s work includes the themes of depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. His mission to help people feel less alone by helping them share their vulnerability.

Meet a Voyager: Bryce Seto

All photos in this piece were provided by Bryce Seto.

Editor’s Note: I learned about Bryce when he reached out to me through our About page. If you are interested in being featured on Meet a Voyager, you can do the same! - Meredith

Q: Tell me a little about your background -- where did you grow up? Where do you live now?

I'm Canadian! I was born and raised in the prairies in the city of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. My dad’s side immigrated from Hong Kong in the 40's to open a restaurant. Most of the family went to San Francisco, my great grandfather ended up in Saskatchewan with my grandfather. Canada was taking in immigrants from China at the time to work on the railroad, and there was a loophole that you could forgo having to work the railroads if you opened a business. My ancestors decided to open up a hotel in the town of Humboldt, where my grandfather took over. He went back home to find a wife (my grandmother) brought her back and they had my dad. So, I'm third generation Chinese-Canadian. My mother grew up on a farm in Manitoba, and met my dad when she started working at their hotel/restaurant as a server. 

Check out the Lighthouse Map of Overthinkers

I left Saskatoon as a teenager and ended up in Toronto, where I live now with my own family. I wanted to explore my passions in business, writing, and performing, and Toronto is the place to do it in Canada. 

Q: What about your job? What do you do and how does work fit into your life?

At my day job I'm an SVP of a consumer insights consultancy. I joined my business pre-revenue as a pure startup and have spent the past four years growing it to becoming a premier agency in North America. Prior to this I was working as an actor around Toronto, mainly through doing work in commercials, but I booked a few TV and feature film roles. 

My partner was very pregnant at the time this consultancy reached out to me, so I took the meeting and glad I did. It was important to me to be a present parent and not spend all my time at the office, and I approached the opportunity very intentional about what I needed. I negotiated to be able to work from home (this was pre-COVID), flexible work hours, and even was able to balance both my acting work and my role in the business for about a year. Eventually I had to make a decision for my career, and loved being a part of a new business so I dropped my agent and stuck with business.

I'm also currently doing an Executive MBA at Ivey, one of Canada's best business schools. I'm four months into the program and it's been an incredible addition to my life in terms of learning, network, and challenging myself. I've learned a lot about prioritization and time management this year.

Finally, I work as a writer and storyteller for many initiatives. I'm the editorial director for The Blossom Fund, which is a new fund focused on providing mental health support to Asian Canadians. I also write on my own newsletter, sharing my journey with mental health through my own lens as a businessperson, creative, father, and mixed Asian kid from Canada. 

Q: What about your family? I know you have two girls. How old are they?

I have a wonderful, supportive partner and two daughters. My girls are four and three -- we had them fifteen months apart (not on purpose). My partner and I l lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage just over three months in, and we were devastated. When the next one came along, shortly after, it felt like the most perfect gift in the world. 

I fight to make sure I have the time to be with my girls for as many drop-offs, pick-ups, and bedtimes as I can be. The bond that I've been able to build with them is the most important thing in my life and what I cherish the most. 

Q: How do you describe your mental health journey?

TW: Suicidal Ideation 

I started struggling right after I finished high school. At first I chalked up my depression to some of my first break-ups as an 18-year-old -- I mean, who hasn't been a heartbroken teenager thinking the world is over? Then I started getting flashbacks to some repressed memories I had as a child and broke down completely. 

As a teenager who wasn't ready, willing, or prepared to deal with the trauma I had rediscovered, I decided to leave home. First I moved five hours away to Edmonton, then a few years later across the country to Toronto. I figured the further I moved from home, the further away my trauma would be and I could begin to build somewhat of a life. 

For the most part I did. I started a promising career, made great friends, and spent a large part of my early twenties travelling the world. What I didn't realize at the time was how reckless I was being. I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and would go on days long benders. I experimented with hard drugs. I simply was never afraid of pushing my limits and didn't have boundaries for myself when it came to substances. I realize now that I was jumping into any hole that could let me escape for a while. 

It wasn't until I met my now partner when it changed for me. When we got together, I suddenly lost my desire to party all night and hide behind substances. I wanted to be there with her. I liked being fully present and enjoying our time, doing the lame shit couples do like spend an entire Sunday at IKEA or picnics in the park. Our first few months of dating were pure bliss, until the honeymoon period wore off and I had to live without my unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

I remember falling into a state of deep depression about six months into our relationship. I was waking up in the morning in a state of heavy fog, with intense thoughts of self harm and a desperate need to escape. One morning I woke up and stomped my way into the kitchen. I was standing by the sink, slamming some dishes around and she asked me what my problem was. I blurted out: "Honestly I'm just trying not to kill myself today."

That's the first time I ever said anything like that to anybody out loud. It shocked me when it left my mouth, but that was how I was feeling and, for whatever reason, I shared it with her. She told me to put some pants and shoes on, right now, and dragged me out of the house to the nearby mental hospital. I begrudgingly stomped along. I did not want to go, but I loved her enough to do it for her. I wanted to show her I tried and then prove to her after that there was no hope for me. 

The funny thing was, I learned pretty quickly that there was hope for me. I sat down in the sterile, empty lobby of that hospital before a social worker came and got me. She asked me a series of questions, the way I was feeling and how I was responding to situations in my life, and she blurted out pretty quickly "I think this is BPD." 

That was the first time I ever heard those letters together, I had no idea what she was talking about. She left and came back with a psychiatrist who ran me through a series of questions and diagnosed me pretty much on the spot. She sent me home with some pamphlets and resources to look into and scheduled an appointment to see her again in a few days. 

I spent the next few days Googling and reading everything I could, at first panicking and freaking out about all of the scary stats. After that initial shock wore off, I surprisingly felt relief. Relief that the way I was feeling wasn't hopeless, that there was a cause to my issues, and that I was now under the care of an institution that seemed to know what they were doing. They fast-tracked me into their BPD clinic and I spent the next year in group dialectical behaviour therapy that probably saved my life. 

Q: What do people not understand about borderline personality disorder that you wish they did?

BPD carries with it an intense stigma, where it is known as the "crazy ex girlfriend disease" and there's a lot of irresponsible memes on the internet basically saying that people with BPD will ruin your life. In a nutshell, BPD folks feel emotions more intensely than others. This can lead to dysregulation and disruptions in interpersonal relationships, but there's also, I believe, a unique beauty in how sensitive and attune BPD folks can be. 

People I know with BPD are some of the most caring, empathetic, and artistic individuals I've ever met. My BPD allows me to connect with people on a very deep level, and has inspired me to write and share my emotional journey -- which has led to some amazing opportunities in my life. Through therapy I've been able to learn awareness of my emotions and the mindfulness to be still and embrace them. This allows me to live within the depth of what I'm feeling and express it through writing or other avenues, and seeing the impact it can have on people has been incredible. 

Q: What motivates you to write about mental health? Who do you hope to reach?

I come from a family with three other brothers and a Chinese father who is quite closed off from his emotions. I love my dad and my brothers to death, but I also have witnessed how much they struggle with processing and expressing their feelings, and I made a conscious decision to not want to do that. I remember when I was a teenager, I completely exploded on my parents and broke down about some tiny issue. My dad sat me down and told me that I can't bottle up my emotions, that it's like holding poison inside of myself that will eventually kill me or spill out all at once. That resonated with me. He had the awareness to know about the poison, but he himself struggled to express his feelings and release the poison. He was speaking from experience; that was the poison that was killing him and he was begging me not to repeat it. 

Like the men in my family, my initial reaction is still to bottle up the way I'm feeling, so part of my writing is a way to force myself to be intentional about expressing my feelings. Shame thrives when it's alone; but cannot survive in connection. My writing is my way of coming out of the dark corner of my own shame and using it as a way to connect to the world. It's mainly for myself, but through that I've had a profound impact on others who have had a similar experience. 

I hope to reach anybody that is on their own mental health journey, that might need a little kick in the pants or direction to get help. I hope to resonate with people like myself; as a man from a culture that stigmatizes mental health. However, it can be anyone on that path. I believe the world is stronger when we're connected and vulnerable. 

Q: What do you think holds men back from talking about mental health?

Our society is built on toxic masculinity. It's a bit of a buzzword these days, but it's rare to find a man who was raised in Western civilization who was impacted by some version of "man up", "don't be a sissy", or some derogatory misogynistic and/or homophobic remarks that made them terrified of being looked as less than a man. We're trained from an early age to hold back our feelings and "suck it up", which makes it incredibly hard to seek out help and simply admit that we're struggling. 

For a lot of us, we'd rather die looking strong than survive, or even thrive, looking weak. We want to be seen as a gladiator, fighting the good fight with our shirts off, dignity and pride in check. Meanwhile, we are all battling the same human struggle on the inside. Cis-gendered straight men are just as emotional as women, children, gay men, or any other human. The only difference is we've been trained to hide it better. 

By being vulnerable and admitting my struggle, I hope to inspire other men to lead a life of vulnerability. I'm a successful business executive with two daughters and an amazing partner, and I struggle. I have intense emotional swings, I need support from my loved ones, I feel deeply insecure a lot of the time. And I'm still able to get shit (can I swear? If not -- "stuff") done and achieve my goals. 

Q: If you could tell the world just one thing about mental health, what would it be?

That it's not that big of a deal. 

We make mental health this massive, scary, very important issue in society. And, sure, those things are true, but mental health is simply part of the human experience. Every single human being on this planet has ups and downs with their own mental health, and we need to normalize it, eliminate the stigma, and make it so it's easier for everyone to talk about. You aren't weak because you seek help. You are human. That's simply part of the experience. 

Bryce Seto (he/him/his) is a writer, actor, revenue executive, and mental health advocate. Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, he has a mission to utilize the power of storytelling to combat mental illness and normalize the stigma of vulnerability among men and within Asian communities. He is the father of two daughters and is the co-founder of The Blossom Mental Health Fund, a nonprofit that provides mental health resources to Asian Canadians. Read more from Bryce on his newsletter or follow him on Instagram.

Meet a Voyager: Olga Kavina

Editor’s Note: I learned about Olga when she reached out to me through a form on this site. She is a pretty incredible designer and person, as you will see when you read on. Thank you, Olga, for shining your light with the world, and with us. All of the illustration you see here is Olga’s.

My name is Olga, I am 26 years old, and since childhood I have been suffering from mood swings, derealisation, anxiety and ADHD. As a teenager, I had many complexes and it was difficult for me to communicate with people and I had agoraphobia, so I had to transfer to homeschooling. My parents never understood my mental state and said depression didn't exist.

At the age of 16 I went to a Design college, and when I was18 years old I moved to live separately from my parents, later I entered the university for the same design and graduated from it. When I was 22 years old, I went to a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and depression. Since then, I have been undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy and taking pills. A year ago I relocated to another country. I work as a freelance illustrator. It is very difficult for me to fit into a team and I prefer to work from home and communicate only with close friends. I often feel lonely, sad and anxious, but drawing helps me. I put my feelings on paper. Also, when I have a nervous strain, I get drunk with alcohol, or I overeat very strongly. It’s hard for me to accept myself and my achievements.

I’m critical of my appearance, it’s also difficult for me to have close relationships with men, so many of my partners were unemployed abusers. Despite all this, I often feel in a good mood and euphoric. I really like to walk a lot with my beloved dog, travel, explore new places, and draw.
 I have a dream to become a psychologist or psychotherapist and help other people.

Q: Can you tell me a little about yourself — where do you live? when did you start drawing? Do you work in illustration?

My name is Olga. I'm a freelance cartoonist/illustrator. I was born in Saint-Petersburg, but relocated to Kazakhstan, because of the political situation. I don't agree with our government. I started to draw when I was 3 years old, and started to work as a freelance artist when I was a student.

Q: Can you tell us about some of your favorite illustrations? What does it feel like to "get it right"?

My favorite illustration is somewhat reminiscent of Kafka's story "Transformation". It shows a lonely girl in a creepy old room, she turns into an insect. For me, this is the personification of alienness, loneliness and rejection of me by the world.

Q: How do you find what inspires you, either topically or stylistically?

I am inspired by life, different situations, people who surround me, and travel. And books by Kafka and Sartre. I love their dreary, creepy, sometimes surreal description of human feelings.

Q: Who are some of your favorite artists in the mental health space? Do you think of yourself as being in the mental health space?

I don't particularly know specifically artists who understand mental health. I know only those who are good at conveying emotional states through their drawings. I'm very fond of Frida Kahlo, Kandinsky, and old 20th century cartoonists like Heinrich Rudolf Zille. I'm close to the mental health field myself because I've been seeing a therapist for a very long time and I have to wrestle with my thoughts and mental states every day. I'm also going to study to become a psychologist.

Q:. What do you wish people knew about your art that they might not know?

I would like people to know that my drawings are as true as possible, it's like a diary of emotions and events. I draw everything I feel and see.

Q: Who do you most hope to reach?

I wanted to show people with borderline personality disorder and depression that they are not alone. Perhaps these people would find an outlet in my drawings.

Follow Olga on Instagram or contact her if what she shared connected with you, or you want to learn more about her work.