Meet a Voyager: Rachel Hunter

Editor’s note: Rachel emailed to ask if she could share an essay about her mental health in honor of the launch of her new blog, Positively Anxious. She describes her goal as “to help others who might be experiencing the same issues feel seen and supported, and to put a splash of positivity into the planet, too!” Here’s her post!

Ohh Rachel, you worry too much. Oh Rachel, just relax! Hey Rachel, uh, I think you’ve sweated through your shirt…yep, all phrases I have heard uttered countless times in my worrisome little life. You see, I have an anxiety disorder called, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (maybe you’ve heard of it?), and like the other 6.8 million people it affects in the US, we know all too well that it can sometimes blow some hot stanky ass. In case you aren’t familiar with GAD, it is mental health condition that involves persistent anxiety that interferes with your daily life. For me, this also includes panic attacks and more recently, PMDD, but it can look differently on different people.

My earliest memory of having anxiety was when I was around 10 years old and was having some trouble falling asleep at night. Each night, my young brain would swirl with worry about mostly irrational and out of my control things, like natural disasters, diseases, and car accidents. My nightly prayers became a loooong list that took me several minutes to rattle off each night. It was exhausting, but I was too terrified to leave anything or anyone out. One time I saw an outbreak of meningitis on the news and couldn’t stop worrying about contracting it. The news anchor had mentioned if you could touch your chin to your chest, you didn’t have it, so every night and every morning, I would lower my neck to verify I could still touch my chin to my chest. Looking back, this makes me really sad. I didn’t know any other 10 year olds checking themselves for meningitis every day! I knew something was wrong, but as a kid, I didn’t fully understand what.

It would be years later in college when I would finally get diagnosed. I was in the student center and it was mental health week. I had never had any school or program ever hold a mental health week before. It was early days in the discussion of mental health and there was still a stigma around talking about mental issues. I feel awful saying this now, but back then, I was worried everyone would think I was crazy, so I never told any adult what I was going through. Aside from my best friend, I kept it to myself and handled it the best way I could. But suddenly, here it was, being talked about out in the open, so I wandered around and found the anxiety booth. I snuck a pamphlet and poured over it back at the dorm. And let me tell you what- it felt SO good! As I read it, I was like, yes! That’s me! Omg, I feel all these things! Yes, I do have panic attacks! Yes, I do have unwanted thoughts and nervous sweating! I felt so seen and for the first time, so relaxed. It had a name. There were other people like me. And the best part? My school offered free counseling. For real?!

In those counseling sessions, I found out which type I had (GAD) and learned some handy coping techniques. I also talked for the first time about what I was experiencing with an adult. It changed a lot for me. I am eternally grateful that my school offered this service free of charge for students. I hope every college always offers free counseling, and I hope every kid that needs it is brave enough to grab that pamphlet and make an appointment.

I also hope everyone has a roomate like I did, who when she noticed I was always gone around the same time every week and not for a class or for work, asked me what was going on. After dodging the question for weeks, I finally confessed I was going to therapy for my anxiety. She looked at me, smiling and said, “Oh, cool. I’m really happy for you.’”

I said, “Really? You don’t think it’s weird?”

“Nah, I always knew you were crazy,” she playfully joked, and then we both burst out laughing and went to get dinner. Just like that, it was no big deal. It was nice to be accepted just as I was.

So now, here I am, a million years later, wanting to talk about it. ALL OF IT. So no one feels left out or crazy or ashamed like I did. Because as great as the help I received in my youth was, this is something I deal with on a daily basis, and always will.

But it is also only one part of me. One super inconvenient and often overwhelming part of my bad-ass self. There is a lot more to my story. And to yours, too.

So while we may anxiously fear the big bad unknown, we can also try to embrace the good stuff for as long as we can. After all, the other side to this blog is POSITIVITY. And these days, that is my main focus. I want to help us all find ways to cope so we can give more of our energy to finding our purpose,  maintaining healthy relationships, and enjoying many years of good health. I’m not talking about that easy cheesy optimism, but rather a true joyful outlook. It requires acknowledging the hurt, pain, and devastating facts of our world and doing our best to process these things (and help others where we can!) while still striving for joy. It requires honesty, courage, and putting in the work. But trust me, no matter what you are feeling or where you are at in your journey, I promise you are worth the work.

So now that you know my past, let me catch you up a little on my present. I am a new mom (hello nothing but scary unknowns!), a kick-ass wife,  a rock climber, hiker, & dancer.

I am a feverish night owl. TV and movies are my jam.

I am overly particular about almost everything. I ruminate and question almost everything.

Eating real food and being in nature feels like a big hug to me. Music, a well timed fart, and abundant sunshine bring me glee.

I am someone with a mental health disorder.

I am positively anxious.

Rachel is a writer and new mom based in Colorado. She studied film at Kent State University and in a past life, ran a sketch comedy group, made a parody video about boobs, and wrote a short film about love. She loves to create, and can often be found hiking in all seasons with her husband and the brightest, sweetest little girl in the world.