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From Living with OCD to Working with it
Hear one perfectionist’s story from Harvard College to Harvard Law to OCD specialist.
The author Natalia Aniela Aíza
My journey as an OCD therapist (and what I have yet to learn).
Compulsions are some of my earliest childhood memories. I was the only daughter of a single mother, a political refugee from Poland, and a Mexican father that I didn’t know. I locked and relocked the front door, then picked up the landline to make sure there was a dial tone, then looked out the back window to see if there was a car in the alley. I was six years old when I started spending every afternoon, and many weekends alone on the top floor of a duplex in downtown Milwaukee.
In late elementary, I started feeling the urge to cut my arm. It was pre-internet, and I had no idea that anyone else did this too. I always cut in the same spot on the same arm, and then spent the next week compulsively dousing the wound with rubbing alcohol. The skin would bubble and puss, and I would focus all my anxiety on that searing pain. I distinctly remember that queasy feeling of being both powerful and powerless – what I now understand to be the dichotomy of having a control disorder that is out of control. I literally could not stop hurting myself.
By middle school, my compulsive cutting had morphed into stealing. I was easily the best student in my classes, but was pathologically quiet. When other students went to recess, I would sneak back into the teacher’s supply room and take folders and binders. I never used any of these items, but I created a little collection in my bedroom that felt sacred to me. 6th grade summer, I began to slip single sleeves of stickers into my pants at the local Kohl’s grocery store (a staple of 1990s Wisconsin). My OCD version of shoplifting – the same item from the same store at the same time of day, every day – obviously got me caught. I actually got handcuffed as a 75 pound little girl, taken to the police station, and fingerprinted.
My stealing abruptly stopped after this scared straight moment, and my OCD morphed once again into the place where it happily stayed for the coming decades: perfectionism.
Of course some part of me is grateful that my compulsivity settled into a safer landing spot than self-harm or theft, but now that I am a therapist, I appreciate how much harder it is to heal from perfectionism OCD. Pushing myself to achieve that “just right” feeling, and overachieving until I literally cannot keep my eyes open anymore, has propelled most aspects of my life. It has brought pride and achievement, but also loss and disconnection. I anchor myself so loyally to perfection, I am not sure who Natalia is outside of it.
Natalia with her team at Kairos Wellness Collective.
I realize the irony of trying to compose this very essay. My center is thriving, my life is full: and yet I wake up early Sunday morning to search for the consummate words to describe perfectionism. I am no longer that frightened and lonely little girl in Wisconsin, but somehow I am still driven by an intangible sense of danger. Being less-than feels unsafe.
If I put my therapist hat on, I am able to identify my current OCD as “ego-syntonic.” This means that my core self and my OCD are in line. Even if I recognize how my happiness is limited by my need for excellence, I will still willingly make this trade.
As a mental health practitioner, I have a belief (perhaps superstitious) that the universe pairs you with the clients that you need to fully see yourself. I began my career with two jobs: as an expat therapist in a ritzy neighborhood of Shanghai and as a child therapist at a local orphanage. I spent the year toggling back and forth between these very different workplaces, struggling with the duality of working with children with abandonment wounds and over-achieving adults. It was only in retrospect that I started connecting these two client bases as aspects of my own self.
From a very early age, I accepted that I wasn’t good enough to keep my father. I knew nothing of the circumstances of my parent’s rupture, but I formed a core belief that I was not worthy of love. My attachment style, unsurprisingly, has been anxious for my whole life. I fear that love will crumble if it is imperfect, and I am hypervigilant of my partner’s reactions to me. My anxious brain can ruminate on something as benign as a sour look in my direction.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we teach our clients that most negative perceptions can be traced back to one of three core beliefs: I am unworthy, I am unsafe, and I am unloved. My perfectionism has been so treatment-resistant because it was my salve for all three of these fundamental fears.
Perfectionism is my brain’s effort to give me a sense of control; if I am measured, perhaps I will be safe. If I am tireless, perhaps I will be worthy. If I am flawless, then perhaps I will be loved.
However, as an OCD specialist, I know that we have to let go of the compulsion in order to heal the obsession. Consistently meeting your own outsized standards reinforces that you must always do so, no matter what. I will never feel loved, worthy, and safe, until I am truly able to lean into the discomfort of imperfection.
Even as I sit here trying to type out my “perfectionism story,” overthinking and judgment lingers around this very text. My perception of my business is warped by self-criticism. Every piece of negative feedback fully eclipses all the positives. Sometimes I even feel nostalgia for the self-destructive little girl that I once was. This adult version of me must continuously self-construct. If I slow down, or do just good enough, I do so with a chorus of intrusive thoughts that I might fail.
I long to break step with this pattern. I have been marching forward for so long that I don’t know how to dance. I see the harm of perfectionism in my clients, but also how dearly they cling to it. I have to be honest with them – this compulsion still shadows me now. Committing these words to the page signifies a pact with myself to finally, completely let go of perfectionism.
I tell my clients: let’s try this new dance together.
Natalia Aniela Aíza, LPC, is the founder of Kairos Wellness Collective, an OCD clinic in Boulder, Colorado. Her maladaptive perfectionism drove her out of a difficult childhood to Harvard College, then Harvard Law, before she found her true calling as a mother and an OCD specialist. She is passionate about mental health advocacy, and honesty from healers about our own (ongoing) struggles. You can follow her center on Instagram.
Meet a Voyager: Richard Sison
Richard Sison is a martial arts teacher who specializes in Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Photo courtesy Fight Coop and Richard Sison.
I learned about Richard when he emailed to ask if he could share a piece about mental health and martial arts on Bevoya.com. At first, I assumed that he was like so many people who write me — looking for a linkback. (Link backs are the currency of SEO rankings, which means if my site links to another site, it can appear higher in Google results). What I found, though, is that Richard was sincere in his desire to write about his own past experiences with anxiety. I love how he describes it in this interview as a “weird feeling” that he treated for years only with martial arts. Or how it can be difficult to fear being judged when practicing martial arts.
If you’ve been thinking about giving martial arts a try, and you’re hoping it might help with your own mental health, read on to learn more about how one expert in the field thinks about the connection.
Q: Can you tell us about your background — where did you grow up? What was your family like?
I had the privilege of growing up in the Canadian city of Vancouver, known for its mountains and oceans. It was a place where the scent of ocean breeze mingled with the vibrant energy of a diverse and welcoming community.
My family shaped my journey within this nurturing environment, especially regarding my deep-rooted love for martial arts. I was blessed to be part of a close-knit family consisting of my loving parents and two amazing sisters.
My father, an engineer, always had a knack for problem-solving and instilled in me a thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement. His unwavering support and belief in my abilities became a guiding light throughout my martial arts journey. He often shared stories of perseverance and determination from his life experiences, inspiring him during moments of doubt.
My mother, a dedicated nurse, possessed an unparalleled nurturing spirit. She taught me the importance of compassion on and off the training mat. Her gentle encouragement and genuine interest in my martial arts pursuits helped foster a sense of empathy and humility within me.
Growing up with my two sisters was a constant source of joy and companionship. We embarked on countless adventures together, playing countless games and adventures in the nearby park. Their presence in my life brought an element of camaraderie and mutual support that further fueled my passion for martial arts.
The community in Vancouver itself played a significant role in my upbringing. It was a melting pot of cultures and ideas. I encountered individuals from diverse backgrounds with unique stories and perspectives. This rich tapestry of humanity fostered a sense of acceptance and inclusivity, providing the perfect backdrop for my martial arts journey.
Q: What do you think first drew you to martial arts? Was there a mental health component to the appeal (whether you realized it or not)?
The allure of martial arts was undeniable when I discovered it as a young and curious teenager. A combination of factors instantly captivated my attention and sparked an unquenchable curiosity. The discipline, focus, and sheer power of martial arts resonated deeply with my spirit.
The intensity and precision of the movements were like a magnet, pulling me toward this captivating world. I was fascinated by the physical and mental challenges of martial arts. The artistry and skill displayed by practitioners ignited a fire within me, urging me to embark on my journey of self-discovery through martial arts.
Like many others, I struggled with maintaining concentration at school as a young boy. However, the discipline instilled by martial arts seeped into various aspects of my life, including my academic pursuits. I discovered that the mental focus and discipline honed through martial arts training translated into improved performance in the classroom. It became a valuable tool for channeling my energy and maintaining a sharp focus on my studies.
Q: How would you describe your own mental health journey?
My mental health journey has been winding, filled with triumphs and challenges. Anxiety has been a constant companion, creating hurdles demanding resilience and strength. However, martial arts have been a guiding light, illuminating the way forward and empowering me with the mental fortitude to navigate even the darkest times.
As far as I can remember, I’ve experienced feelings of anxiety. The feeling of something wrong, but I can’t quite put a finger on it. It started at an early age, as mentioned, during grade school, not being able to concentrate. It grew as I got older, and I thought maybe I was just sensitive. I would take criticism worse than others or overthink situations in my head countless times after they happened.
Martial arts and exercise have always made these feelings easier to manage. It wasn’t until I turned 19 that my mental health journey reached a climax when my dad died from cancer. Being young and equipped with stoicism learned from martial arts, I dug my feet in and didn’t allow myself to feel pain. At the time, I viewed this as a weakness to overcome.
Doing so didn’t allow me to grieve my loss and hurt many relationships around me. I became irritable and harsh with friends and family. I blamed everyone and everything for my circumstances while wearing a “tough guy” mask and not accepting responsibility for my situation.
It wasn’t until 25 that I decided to seek professional support. My sensei at my Jiu-Jitsu gym guided me to not view mental health as an embarrassment or weakness. Something he said to me stuck with me: “You would go to the dentist for a toothache, so why not go to a counselor for a heartache?”
Fifteen years later and I still attend counseling regularly. Even if I’m not being rocked by life’s undulating waves, it’s beneficial to have a professional ask probing questions and help me understand behaviors and thoughts.
My mental health journey will continue for the rest of my time here. There will be difficulties, but I’ve changed my opinion as I’ve grown older. First off, it’s not shameful to feel depressed or anxious. And more importantly, I strive to teach young men and women not to bottle up how they feel. If you feel like crying, do it. If you feel like yelling, do it. Just feel your emotions and be kind to yourself.
Q: Do you think martial arts help with anxiety, and if so, how?
After my father passed away at 19, a little “weird feeling” within me grew. My anxiety was left untreated for years and grew silently. Martial arts kept it in check. However, alongside guidance from a mental health professional, this became the “one-two punch” to manage anxiety. I know that the days I practice martial arts are much brighter than those I don’t. This is why I decided to dedicate my life to becoming a teacher.
However, deciding to try martial arts can be a terrifying experience. Are people judging me? Can I do this? Will I get hurt? These are some of the questions that permeate.
In the beginning, stepping into the martial arts studio was a daunting experience. I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces, my heart pounding, and my mind consumed by self-doubt. However, the supportive and inclusive nature of the martial arts community began to break down the walls of my social anxiety. Fellow practitioners welcomed me with open arms, creating an environment where I felt safe to express myself without judgment.
As I continued training, I realized that martial arts offered a unique blend of physical exercise and mental discipline. The structured and intense workouts pushed me to my limits, demanding a complete focus on precise movements and techniques. Through this process, I discovered that martial arts required me to be fully present now, effectively shifting my attention away from my anxieties and onto the task at hand.
Q: Where do you recommend someone start with martial arts? Example: me. Where should I start?
Martial arts offer several styles, each with unique characteristics and techniques. Research and explore several types to find the one that resonates most with you. I recommend Jiu-Jitsu as a great starting point. You receive the numerous benefits of physical struggle. Still, the risk of injury is much lower because of the lack of striking.
Think about what you hope to achieve through martial arts. Are you interested in self-defense, physical fitness, competition, or personal development? Understanding your goals will help you choose a martial art style and training environment that aligns with your aspirations. Consider factors such as the intensity of training, focus on technique or physical conditioning, and the overall philosophy of martial art.
Take the time to visit different martial arts schools or clubs in your area. Observe classes, speak with instructors, and get a feel for the training environment. Pay attention to factors like the instructor's teaching style, the atmosphere, and professionalism. Finding a school that provides a supportive and inclusive environment where you feel comfortable and motivated to learn is essential.
Many martial arts schools offer beginner-friendly programs or introductory classes designed for newcomers. These classes usually provide a gentle introduction to martial art's basic techniques and concepts, allowing you to build your skills and confidence gradually. Participating in these programs can be a fantastic way to start your martial arts journey and assess if it fits you.
How do I join the Beautiful Voyager community?
Read on to learn more about the Beautiful Voyager community
Photo by John Schnobrich
I received a great question yesterday via email to Beautiful Voyager:
How do I join the online community Beautiful Voyager without dealing with Facebook and social media? Both overwhelmed me and irritated me to no end.
(It’s a great question. Is it possible to build online community without social media?)
The email went on: I purchased your book Get Out of My Head and you can read my take on it on my Amazon review. Paradigm changing. So of course...I want more of anything that calms me down.
(The words “paradigm changing” filled my heart with joy. Even better was knowing that my book helped someone feel grounded and calm. I think this voyager is smart and intuitive for tuning into their nervous system and knowing what works for them.)
Thank you for the deliberate design and details and intentional creation of this book. You are an anxious overthinker in the best sense of the word. If that makes any sense. It leads you to pay attention to every detail. Again thank you. I hope I can find ways to connect.
(This is why voyagers need voyagers! We get each other.)
I wrote back and shared three ways to get more involved in the Beautiful Voyager community, all for free. I thought it might be good information to share with all of you, too. Which is why you’re reading this now.
Photo by Luuk Wouters
Here are a three ways to join the community:
1. Let me know where you want to put a lighthouse on this map (totally free). All I need is the location and the name of your lighthouse. If you'd like to send a message in a bottle out into the world, you just send me that as well! You will see how those messages in bottles work by clicking around the map.
2. I don't know if you've heard of Slack, but there is a Beautiful Voyager Slack community that you can join for free simply by clicking this link.
3. There is a series of "Meet a Voyager" here on Substack. Subscribe to the newsletter or respond to the chat prompts. It's where I share stuff I’m reading that I find interesting and thought-provoking.
Beyond that, I would recommend the free emotion-tracking app called How We Feel. It’s not an online community, but it is an incredible way to find a shared language with others (and connect in an authentic way with the people you love). I’ve been lucky enough to work on this project for the past three years.
What about you, reader? How do you create community beyond social media? How do you find things that calm you down?
I’d love to hear about it — comment here or join the community :)
Meet a Voyager: Gregorio “Craig” Lewis
Gregorio Lewis was born in Massachusetts and now lives in Mexico.
A few weeks ago, Gregorio “Craig” Lewis sent me an unusual email requesting to join the “Meet a Voyager” series. Instead of writing in words, Gregorio sent me a video telling me a little bit about himself and his journey. His genuine warmth and kindness radiated from the screen, and I knew I wanted to learn more about his past. So we did our Q&A in an unusual way: I sent him questions, and he sent me video responses.
One of the things I love about the series is witnessing the vast array of human experience. My role is not to report — it’s to listen and witness the stories of people who are earnest in their intentions and spirit. And Gregorio is definitely that, as I think you will tell by watching any of the videos below.
If you want to read Gregorio’s book, in particular The Craig Lewis Guide to Surviving the Impossible, check out his site.
Q: Can you introduce yourself and describe where you are now?
Q: It sounds like you've faced many challenges and obstacles in your life. Want to describe just one of them?
Q: What did you do to help yourself navigate hardship?
Q: How does mental health fit into your journey?
Q: What do you wish other people understood about trauma that they might not?
Meet a Voyager: Christopher Soriano-Palma
Christopher Soriano-Palma grew up Mexican-American in Watsonville, California.
Editor’s note: I met Christopher when he reached out to me via Substack chat. I really enjoyed getting to know Christopher and was especially struck by a line of his you will see below: “Social media is a community, and communities can both help and fail you.” That is such a great way of describing the struggle around social media! Christopher’s responses are so thoughtful here. Thank you for shining your light, Christopher.
Q: Tell us about yourself- where did you grow up? What was your family like?
I was born and raised in Watsonville, CA. It is an agricultural community located on California's central coast. I was raised in a Spanish-speaking Mexican-American household. I am the second of four siblings.
Q: When did you start writing? What was your earliest writing about?
I didn't know I wanted to write until I entered my third year of high school. I initially wanted to be a video game developer, but then I grew more interested in reading and storytelling. My very first serious short story was a creative writing assignment for a Spanish Literature class. I wrote a short story about a man who cannot age and die and is cursed to watch everyone else in his life die instead. It was my first attempt at writing fiction, but it led me to write more stories and poems the following summer. By the time I entered my final year of high school, I had already decided to pursue a writing career.
Q: Can you tell us about your mental health journey?
I did not know I was depressed until college. I took a leave of absence from my university and came home for a year. I used financial troubles as an excuse among friends. But the truth was that I was severely depressed. I willingly sought a psychiatrist and was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was the first in my family to be diagnosed with a mental illness, and it hurt to believe that there was something wrong with me and me alone. I withdrew from friends and family. I grew jealous of others who appeared happier than me. I hated how they could smile when I couldn't, which made me feel guilty for feeling angry, which made me feel ashamed, which further depressed me, and so on. It was a terrible cycle. My mental illness made me a terrible friend who ended up alone very quickly. My medication kept my mood stable but my emotions numb. I still feel numb. To be quite honest, I haven't felt happiness in over a decade. I've taken medication and attended therapy sessions for years, and that's definitely helped. I'm learning how to handle my diagnosis a little better every year. Despite the challenges, I am relieved to say I am in a much better spot than when I was first diagnosed. It took a lot to get there, though. I'm relieved to still be here. But I'm sad I lost so much time, so many years, to depression. In another life, those could have been happy years.
Q: What is your dream writing project? What are you most excited about now?
I have a lot of dream writing projects. I'm constantly at work on something. I moved to Los Angeles a few years ago to continue my writing career, and I'm glad I did. I've met so many like-minded creatives who I have connected with and motivate me to keep going. Naturally being in LA, I have been working on a few screenplays, one of which has a lot of potential. I am also currently at work on a new novel about generational trauma. I'm hoping to have a good draft done by the end of the year, but we'll see. But to come back to your question, I don't think I have one specific dream project. One of the best things about being a creative person is challenging yourself with every new idea. You never know which idea is your magnum opus until the very end. So every new idea excites you more than the last one. I have too many ideas in my head to give up on. My dream is to fill up one bookshelf with my published works, a combination of my poems, stories, novels, essays, screenplays, etc. Just one shelf. If I can do that, I can die happy.
Q: What do you think people misunderstand about depression, anxiety, and/or bipolar disorder?
A lot, actually. Having a mental illness is having an invisible illness; you cannot clearly see it. Thus, one can imagine the characteristics of it to be part of one's personality. A person is not their mental illness, and we have a pseudo-scientific self-help mentality within American culture based solely on individualism. It is a culture that both shames people for having a mental illness and even jokes about it to someone's face. While talking about mental illness is no longer a stigma, the language we use for it has entered pop culture and delegitimizes the severity of the illness. It's not funny to joke about being "so bipolar today." There is no break from a real bipolar disorder. It's not just one day you feel your mood shift uncontrollably. It is every day. You cannot self-help your way out of deep despair. You can read all the positivity books on self-improvement all you want. But real depression is the positivity not reaching you. It is all logic thrown out the window. It is you imagining your existence is unnecessary, that the world will move on. It is the invisible fire burning you alive from the inside that there is no saving you. And it's hard to be vulnerable about it because our culture does not value vulnerability. It values a facade of strength. But true strength is in being open with your vulnerability. That you need help. That you need a hug. That you just have to call out of work today because everything is overwhelming and nothing feels right. And you know what? You deserve that damn hug.
Q: How do you think social media influences mental health? Overall is it for the good, bad, or both?
Mental illness on social media is a very nuanced conversation that has unfortunately never been accurately discussed. Social media is a tool. Tools are themselves neither good nor bad. There is no fail-safe tool because it will suffer the same weakness every tool has: its user. Social media is a community, and communities can both help and fail you. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I withdrew from my friends and community. I did not want to talk about what I was going through. I felt too ashamed. But one day I opened up on social media. And of all places, that's where I received the most support. Even old friends reached out to reconnect with me after reading my posts. Granted, this is not everyone's experience with social media. There are too many cases where social media becomes incredibly harmful to one's self-esteem. But I believe our culture as a whole is at fault. I am answering this interview right now as genuinely as possible in the hopes that someone with a mental illness will read this and feel less alone and more validated, and this interview itself will be shared on social media. There will be those who will never understand. But that's what's so interesting about communities. You aren't obligated to stay with the wrong ones. You have the right to build communities that will validate you and make you feel safer and more understood. Not everyone will understand you. Some will even attack you. But reach out anyway. You're doing your best. That is enough.
Christopher Soriano-Palma was born and raised in Watsonville, CA. He graduated with an MFA in Writing from the University of San Francisco and currently lives in Los Angeles. Currently at work on several screenplays and novels, Christopher’s work includes the themes of depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. His mission to help people feel less alone by helping them share their vulnerability.
Meet a Voyager: Bryce Seto
Bryce Seto is a Canadian writer and actor currently completing his MBA.
All photos in this piece were provided by Bryce Seto.
Editor’s Note: I learned about Bryce when he reached out to me through our About page. If you are interested in being featured on Meet a Voyager, you can do the same! - Meredith
Q: Tell me a little about your background -- where did you grow up? Where do you live now?
I'm Canadian! I was born and raised in the prairies in the city of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. My dad’s side immigrated from Hong Kong in the 40's to open a restaurant. Most of the family went to San Francisco, my great grandfather ended up in Saskatchewan with my grandfather. Canada was taking in immigrants from China at the time to work on the railroad, and there was a loophole that you could forgo having to work the railroads if you opened a business. My ancestors decided to open up a hotel in the town of Humboldt, where my grandfather took over. He went back home to find a wife (my grandmother) brought her back and they had my dad. So, I'm third generation Chinese-Canadian. My mother grew up on a farm in Manitoba, and met my dad when she started working at their hotel/restaurant as a server.
Check out the Lighthouse Map of Overthinkers
I left Saskatoon as a teenager and ended up in Toronto, where I live now with my own family. I wanted to explore my passions in business, writing, and performing, and Toronto is the place to do it in Canada.
Q: What about your job? What do you do and how does work fit into your life?
At my day job I'm an SVP of a consumer insights consultancy. I joined my business pre-revenue as a pure startup and have spent the past four years growing it to becoming a premier agency in North America. Prior to this I was working as an actor around Toronto, mainly through doing work in commercials, but I booked a few TV and feature film roles.
My partner was very pregnant at the time this consultancy reached out to me, so I took the meeting and glad I did. It was important to me to be a present parent and not spend all my time at the office, and I approached the opportunity very intentional about what I needed. I negotiated to be able to work from home (this was pre-COVID), flexible work hours, and even was able to balance both my acting work and my role in the business for about a year. Eventually I had to make a decision for my career, and loved being a part of a new business so I dropped my agent and stuck with business.
I'm also currently doing an Executive MBA at Ivey, one of Canada's best business schools. I'm four months into the program and it's been an incredible addition to my life in terms of learning, network, and challenging myself. I've learned a lot about prioritization and time management this year.
Finally, I work as a writer and storyteller for many initiatives. I'm the editorial director for The Blossom Fund, which is a new fund focused on providing mental health support to Asian Canadians. I also write on my own newsletter, sharing my journey with mental health through my own lens as a businessperson, creative, father, and mixed Asian kid from Canada.
Q: What about your family? I know you have two girls. How old are they?
I have a wonderful, supportive partner and two daughters. My girls are four and three -- we had them fifteen months apart (not on purpose). My partner and I l lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage just over three months in, and we were devastated. When the next one came along, shortly after, it felt like the most perfect gift in the world.
I fight to make sure I have the time to be with my girls for as many drop-offs, pick-ups, and bedtimes as I can be. The bond that I've been able to build with them is the most important thing in my life and what I cherish the most.
Q: How do you describe your mental health journey?
TW: Suicidal Ideation
I started struggling right after I finished high school. At first I chalked up my depression to some of my first break-ups as an 18-year-old -- I mean, who hasn't been a heartbroken teenager thinking the world is over? Then I started getting flashbacks to some repressed memories I had as a child and broke down completely.
As a teenager who wasn't ready, willing, or prepared to deal with the trauma I had rediscovered, I decided to leave home. First I moved five hours away to Edmonton, then a few years later across the country to Toronto. I figured the further I moved from home, the further away my trauma would be and I could begin to build somewhat of a life.
For the most part I did. I started a promising career, made great friends, and spent a large part of my early twenties travelling the world. What I didn't realize at the time was how reckless I was being. I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and would go on days long benders. I experimented with hard drugs. I simply was never afraid of pushing my limits and didn't have boundaries for myself when it came to substances. I realize now that I was jumping into any hole that could let me escape for a while.
It wasn't until I met my now partner when it changed for me. When we got together, I suddenly lost my desire to party all night and hide behind substances. I wanted to be there with her. I liked being fully present and enjoying our time, doing the lame shit couples do like spend an entire Sunday at IKEA or picnics in the park. Our first few months of dating were pure bliss, until the honeymoon period wore off and I had to live without my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I remember falling into a state of deep depression about six months into our relationship. I was waking up in the morning in a state of heavy fog, with intense thoughts of self harm and a desperate need to escape. One morning I woke up and stomped my way into the kitchen. I was standing by the sink, slamming some dishes around and she asked me what my problem was. I blurted out: "Honestly I'm just trying not to kill myself today."
That's the first time I ever said anything like that to anybody out loud. It shocked me when it left my mouth, but that was how I was feeling and, for whatever reason, I shared it with her. She told me to put some pants and shoes on, right now, and dragged me out of the house to the nearby mental hospital. I begrudgingly stomped along. I did not want to go, but I loved her enough to do it for her. I wanted to show her I tried and then prove to her after that there was no hope for me.
The funny thing was, I learned pretty quickly that there was hope for me. I sat down in the sterile, empty lobby of that hospital before a social worker came and got me. She asked me a series of questions, the way I was feeling and how I was responding to situations in my life, and she blurted out pretty quickly "I think this is BPD."
That was the first time I ever heard those letters together, I had no idea what she was talking about. She left and came back with a psychiatrist who ran me through a series of questions and diagnosed me pretty much on the spot. She sent me home with some pamphlets and resources to look into and scheduled an appointment to see her again in a few days.
I spent the next few days Googling and reading everything I could, at first panicking and freaking out about all of the scary stats. After that initial shock wore off, I surprisingly felt relief. Relief that the way I was feeling wasn't hopeless, that there was a cause to my issues, and that I was now under the care of an institution that seemed to know what they were doing. They fast-tracked me into their BPD clinic and I spent the next year in group dialectical behaviour therapy that probably saved my life.
Q: What do people not understand about borderline personality disorder that you wish they did?
BPD carries with it an intense stigma, where it is known as the "crazy ex girlfriend disease" and there's a lot of irresponsible memes on the internet basically saying that people with BPD will ruin your life. In a nutshell, BPD folks feel emotions more intensely than others. This can lead to dysregulation and disruptions in interpersonal relationships, but there's also, I believe, a unique beauty in how sensitive and attune BPD folks can be.
People I know with BPD are some of the most caring, empathetic, and artistic individuals I've ever met. My BPD allows me to connect with people on a very deep level, and has inspired me to write and share my emotional journey -- which has led to some amazing opportunities in my life. Through therapy I've been able to learn awareness of my emotions and the mindfulness to be still and embrace them. This allows me to live within the depth of what I'm feeling and express it through writing or other avenues, and seeing the impact it can have on people has been incredible.
Q: What motivates you to write about mental health? Who do you hope to reach?
I come from a family with three other brothers and a Chinese father who is quite closed off from his emotions. I love my dad and my brothers to death, but I also have witnessed how much they struggle with processing and expressing their feelings, and I made a conscious decision to not want to do that. I remember when I was a teenager, I completely exploded on my parents and broke down about some tiny issue. My dad sat me down and told me that I can't bottle up my emotions, that it's like holding poison inside of myself that will eventually kill me or spill out all at once. That resonated with me. He had the awareness to know about the poison, but he himself struggled to express his feelings and release the poison. He was speaking from experience; that was the poison that was killing him and he was begging me not to repeat it.
Like the men in my family, my initial reaction is still to bottle up the way I'm feeling, so part of my writing is a way to force myself to be intentional about expressing my feelings. Shame thrives when it's alone; but cannot survive in connection. My writing is my way of coming out of the dark corner of my own shame and using it as a way to connect to the world. It's mainly for myself, but through that I've had a profound impact on others who have had a similar experience.
I hope to reach anybody that is on their own mental health journey, that might need a little kick in the pants or direction to get help. I hope to resonate with people like myself; as a man from a culture that stigmatizes mental health. However, it can be anyone on that path. I believe the world is stronger when we're connected and vulnerable.
Q: What do you think holds men back from talking about mental health?
Our society is built on toxic masculinity. It's a bit of a buzzword these days, but it's rare to find a man who was raised in Western civilization who was impacted by some version of "man up", "don't be a sissy", or some derogatory misogynistic and/or homophobic remarks that made them terrified of being looked as less than a man. We're trained from an early age to hold back our feelings and "suck it up", which makes it incredibly hard to seek out help and simply admit that we're struggling.
For a lot of us, we'd rather die looking strong than survive, or even thrive, looking weak. We want to be seen as a gladiator, fighting the good fight with our shirts off, dignity and pride in check. Meanwhile, we are all battling the same human struggle on the inside. Cis-gendered straight men are just as emotional as women, children, gay men, or any other human. The only difference is we've been trained to hide it better.
By being vulnerable and admitting my struggle, I hope to inspire other men to lead a life of vulnerability. I'm a successful business executive with two daughters and an amazing partner, and I struggle. I have intense emotional swings, I need support from my loved ones, I feel deeply insecure a lot of the time. And I'm still able to get shit (can I swear? If not -- "stuff") done and achieve my goals.
Q: If you could tell the world just one thing about mental health, what would it be?
That it's not that big of a deal.
We make mental health this massive, scary, very important issue in society. And, sure, those things are true, but mental health is simply part of the human experience. Every single human being on this planet has ups and downs with their own mental health, and we need to normalize it, eliminate the stigma, and make it so it's easier for everyone to talk about. You aren't weak because you seek help. You are human. That's simply part of the experience.
Bryce Seto (he/him/his) is a writer, actor, revenue executive, and mental health advocate. Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, he has a mission to utilize the power of storytelling to combat mental illness and normalize the stigma of vulnerability among men and within Asian communities. He is the father of two daughters and is the co-founder of The Blossom Mental Health Fund, a nonprofit that provides mental health resources to Asian Canadians. Read more from Bryce on his newsletter or follow him on Instagram.
How Do I Fix Anxiety Quickly?
My friend asked the question that nearly everyone does in this situation: "How can I fix this? Can the fix happen quickly?"
This piece was first published in 2016, so a lot of the “people are asking me” framing is because I had just started talking about mental health publicly. I am surfacing it again now, in 2023, because I am still asked “How do I fix anxiety quickly?” regularly, and hearing people share their own tale of the wave seems more important than ever.
A few days ago I got a call from a friend I've known for years. A magazine writer who frequently travels on assignment, he's a busy guy. It wasn't unusual that I hadn't spoken with him in over a month. But as soon as I heard his voice, I knew he wanted to talk about something. I just couldn't tell what it was until he stopped his gentle beating around the bush.
"Remember when you told me you had anxiety?" he asked, peering around the hedge.
"AH! You're calling about anxiety! Gotcha. Yes, absolutely, here with you now," I said, ready to have the kind of call I've been having with increasing frequency in the past six months.
Felix Unger, half of The Odd Couple. Nothing like my friend, but since most of us with anxiety have perfectionist Tendencies, there likely are some similarities underneath.
Let's call this friend Felix. Now that we both knew why we were there, Felix came out with it.
"I have a beautiful wife and child. I have the job I've worked my whole career to achieve and get to travel around the world doing what I love to do. And yet...something's wrong. I can't feel things all the way. I don't sleep well...I think I might have anxiety too."
I asked the question I always ask: "Have you had any physical symptoms?" I explained: "For me, this was migraines, nausea, and crazy strong neck and shoulder pain. Do you have anything like that?"
He said, "I've had a knot in my throat for as long as I can remember, and my stomach feels like it's being punched all the time."
With those words, I knew that my friend was arriving at the same place I had in the middle of 2015. Hello, fellow beautiful voyager.
Since Felix didn't know anything about my project for overthinkers, I gave him the rundown of Tell Tale Signs of an Overthinker to gauge his reaction:
People who think deeply about the world around them. Often researchers, they're always looking for the answers. Perhaps their friends and family have said to them "you think too much" ever since they were little kids. They're sensitive and aware of the suffering of others. At times they obsessively want to "figure it all out," neglecting their other priorities.
Felix: "This is frighteningly accurate."
He then asked the same questions that nearly everyone does in this situation: "How can I fix this? Can the fix happen quickly?"
I'm starting to be asked these questions frequently enough that I'm forming a consistent response to them. My answer isn't super simple, but neither is anxiety. My response comes in 3 basic chunks of information. I elaborate depending on time and bandwidth of the person I'm speaking with.
Chunk #1: My timeline and my first steps
I describe being diagnosed by a neurologist with Generalized Anxiety, and then going to UCSF's Gateway office for a comprehensive diagnosis. Before working on The Beautiful Voyager, I used to tell people that what worked for me in terms of GAD (realizing that anxiety is a spectrum and not everyone with anxiety has GAD) was medication, meditation, and communication.
Chunk #2: The unique thumbprint
Over time and through working on this project, I've come to realize how truly varied the spectrum of anxiety is. Everyone's anxiety is different. What works for me won't work for Felix. But hearing stories of how others have approached and integrated anxiety into their lives will help Felix start to see how it can work in his. I tell Felix that reading books to introduce new concepts like cognitive distortions, cognitive behavioral therapy, or relaxation techniques are useful places to start. I now think of all of these things—therapy, medication, mindfulness, relaxation techniques and other grounding tactics—as being potential parts of a toolkit someone like Felix could use. Everyone needs a toolkit.
I say to Felix: To start building your anxiety toolkit, you have to know you're not feeling good. Then you have to be able to recognize feeling better when it happens, slowly at first, in glimmers and shimmers.
Chunk #3: Riding the wave
The last thing I talk about is the wave. I don't want to overwhelm Felix with information, but the wave is so crucial that it has to be mentioned.
I describe surfing anxiety's wave to Felix. (The wave is the hormone rush that we're filled with as we face the things that scare us.) I tell him that now, for the first time in my life, I know when the wave is coming, and I know how to breathe deeply when facing it. It doesn't mean I don't ever wipe out.
I end by sharing my hard won mantra: when you're surfing the wave, it's all about process, not outcome. If you want to understand our lives as beautiful voyagers, that is the truest thing I can tell you.
How Social Anxiety Shows Up in My Life
Brandon Gill had been dealing with social anxiety for his entire life, but he didn’t always know it.
I’ve been dealing with social anxiety for my entire life, but I haven’t always known it.
I used to think I was just less confident in certain situations. Or I’d think it wasn’t that bad and everyone probably had some of it.
It wasn’t until I moved to a new city (where I knew exactly 1 person) that I finally faced my social anxiety. I wanted to share 3 examples of how social anxiety shows up in my life, along with a few tips that can help you if you’re experiencing it too.
The anxiety of the cafe
When I first moved to Austin, I wanted to find a place that I could write from while being among people. So, I hopped around and explored a few different cafes.
It’s during one visit that I come face to face with my anxiety: I’m sitting outside at a café in South Austin. I don’t know anybody, and my mind starts racing. Luckily, I brought a journal with me.
As I begin writing down my anxious thoughts - “Everyone's LOOKING at me,” “everyone thinks I’m weird,” “everyone knows I’m not from here,” “everyone knows what I did last summer” - I start to feel a memory emerge.
I’m in elementary school. I don’t know how to have friends because I’ve always been the black sheep among my cousins and brothers. So, I walk around during recess alone, feeling like everyone can see that I’m deficient when it comes to making friends.
Another memory comes into view- I’m in 2nd grade and I punch my friend Erik for being cooler than me. Then he tells Mrs. Harvey who is disappointed in me, especially as I was supposed to become student-of-the-month that same day.
These childhood memories float back to the surface as I struggle with my anxiety in the present day.
All I can do is write them down and try to breathe until the emotions fade.
The anxiety of the gym
As I get more used to living in a new city, I realize I should try a new hobby.
I’ve been interested in UFC for the last few years, and I’ve already tried Jiu-Jitsu. So, I think, “let me try Muay Thai Kickboxing.”
I sign up online and get to the gym for the evening class.
As I walk in, I make eye contact with a few of the regulars, and they look meaner than your average person. I start shaking inside as I walk to the counter and look away to avoid getting my ass kicked.
At least, that’s what my brain tells me will happen.
Over the next few months, I start to feel more confident in the gym. Thanks to meeting more people seeing that the regulars aren’t so bad, I start to loosen up.
But one thing I never get over is my anxiety at seeing all the beautiful, badass women who train at the gym. I want to talk to them so bad, but if they look at me, I look away and act like I’m not interested. The truth is just that I was anxious to my teeth!
To make a long story short, I can never shake the anxiety I feel walking into the gym each day, and I quit after a few months.
I know that social anxiety contributed to my quitting this sport, despite enjoying it. It doesn’t feel good when social anxiety gets the better of you like that. But that’s not all.
The anxiety of dancing
Back in my hometown Las Vegas, I learned how to dance salsa. So, naturally, I want to use what I’ve learned to meet people in Austin.
I go out to The W Hotel to dance, and I’m gripped by fear as I stand on the sides.
My mind is telling me to ask someone to dance, but social anxiety gets the better of me. I don’t want to have to look anyone in the eye, or get rejected, or look silly as I shake off the rust of not having danced in months.
I go home and come back next week. I’m only dancing with the women who get there early and who are less intimidating. But by the time 11pm comes around, I’m feeling the social anxiety creep in.
So, I go home and wish I did better.
Why am I the one who has to fight every day just to be normal?
Why am I the only person who isn’t going on dates because he’s too socially anxious to talk to attractive people?
And why am I so peaceful at home yet so anxious among people?
What changed in my relationship with anxiety
Each of these examples come from my first year in Austin, which as I mentioned was a brand new city for me where I knew exactly one person.
I knew that I didn’t want to have anxiety for life, so I decided to tackle it with meditation and challenging myself to do things that make me anxious.
It took a long time, but I think I have a handle on my anxiety. It’s undoubtedly lessened since the first year. So, in a spirit of breaking free from anxiety, here are my top 3 tips that I learned from first-hand experience:
I developed self-compassion
Look. Anxiety is hard enough without beating ourselves up about it.
Instead of feeling bad about having anxiety, try being there for yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a friend or a younger version of yourself.
Say things like “It’s okay to experience anxiety Brandon,” “I’m here for you,” and “you’re safe with me, just breathe.”
If that sounds cheesy to you, I also thought it sounded cheesy at first. But the important thing is that it works.
Once I started being a friend to myself in anxious moments (rather than thinking there was something wrong with me), I cut my anxiety in half.
Think about it like this: By developing self-compassion, which is just being nice and kind to yourself, you’ll only have to fight anxiety. Without self-compassion, you’ll be fighting anxiety AND self-judgment.
I know what I’d rather do.
I started meditating
Using mindfulness meditation, I’ve been able to make amazing progress on my anxiety and mental health.
The cool thing about mindfulness meditation is that it undoes the root of anxiety. What do I mean by that?
Let’s look at another quick example. Recently, I’ve been feeling anxious before seeing my good friend Miriam. It never made sense to me because we’re so close. So, finally, I sat down to meditate, and what came up was amazing.
It turns out that I was anxious about seeing Miriam because she reminds me of my sister. Growing up, I bullied my sister, and this caused a fear of retaliation that I wasn’t consciously aware of.
Once I realized this, I sat through the emotions until they dissolved. And when I saw Miriam, we had an awesome time!
So, mindfulness meditation is amazing for reducing your anxiety progressively over time. And not only that, but all negative emotions: anger, guilt, fear, sadness, jealousy, etc.
If you do it long enough, you realize that your fears aren’t random. They come from past experiences that you’ve lived through but not shaken off.
I stopped fearing anxiety
As FDR said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
One thing I learned about dealing with anxiety is to not fear it. It’s not always true. In fact, it’s mostly negative programming from one’s past, being projected onto present day experiences.
By not fearing anxiety, you can have more self-compassion, and more resilience. If you realize that you don’t have to believe all the thoughts anxiety will tell you, you’re immediately less controlled by it.
So, let go of fearing fear. It’s just an emotion and some thoughts. It won’t hurt you to breathe through it.
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Brandon Grill is a mental health copywriter based in Austin, TX. He writes copy and content for mental health professionals, such as therapists and psychologists. When he’s not working, he enjoys running, cooking, Al Pacino movies and listening to 70s music. Learn more about Brandon here.