I'm a Stubborn Middle-Aged Guy With an Anxiety Disorder
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I am a stubborn, idiotic, typical guy, age 40. That’s the best way I can describe myself. Sounds a little harsh, I know, but ever since I can remember I have been so rigid in my ways, and so stubborn in my outlook on life, especially when it came to my anxiety disorder.
Imagine your typical guy, drinking 3–4 days per week with his buddies, working a regular 9–5 job (not particularly headed anywhere), avoiding the doctor at all costs, scoffing at any advice given, eating whenever and whatever I wanted, working out sporadically, just struggling through life strapped with a bad anxiety disorder. I think the one quality I inherited from my father was this incredibly stubborn personality, and the thought that a “real man” did not need doctors, or that mental health even needed to be addressed.
The underlying anxiety disorder that I have had since I was a child was always there, in the background, popping up in waves, and I was resistant to even acknowledge it, let alone do anything to make it better. The situation just kept getting worse and worse, panic attacks more frequent and longer lasting, and me just increasing my self-medication with more avoidance, more alcohol, more drugs. Then, the tipping point came. I had a full-on panic attack breakdown, while massively hungover at work facing a day full of meetings with new clients, boss right next to me, I just completely broke down. I was a sniffling, crying, shaking, heart-pounding, borderline heart attack complete mess. I think the hangover was what pushed it over the edge, or maybe the fact the day would be so long, or the fact that meeting new people always puts me into anxiety mode, but I was forced to bolt, escape, run away. I made up some bogus excuse about not feeling well, not sure exactly what I said to tell the truth, but I think my boss could tell something was up, especially since I still had some tears in my eyes from full on cry-barfing minutes earlier, who knows, maybe he smelled the booze from the night before. I raced home, took a few shots of Jameson and a couple Xanax I had from a friend and proceeded to hide under my covers for the rest of the day wondering if I should go to the ER. I called out the following day as well. It was a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness, filled with dread, heart racing, just wondering what the future would hold for me. I could not stop thinking about the future and the anxiety ruminations continued on and on for days. I was forced to conclude that I needed to find some help, I could not live like this anymore. It was either find help or find a way to off myself in a painless, cowardly way.
I am now able to say that I am obliterating my anxiety disorder, like a Ferrari racing against a Saab, destroying it. Here are the steps I took, and what I changed to make this happen.
Stubborn Idiot Seeks Help
This was perhaps the toughest part for me. I do not like doctors or their stupid, sterile, boring offices, with their old magazines on the rack, and bad attitude receptionists. Not to mention the smell, what is it about all doctor’s offices that make it smell like someone just cleaned with ammonia and formaldehyde? I had not been to the doctor in years, and the last time was at an urgent care clinic just to get some drugs for the flu. Where to even start? Headed to google, looked up: “competent psychiatrist in my area.” I think google can see through my sarcasm and cynicism and just presented a list of shrinks. I honestly looked for the one with the nicest website. If they could take the time to make sure their website looked sharp, was well put together, maybe they can actually help a stubborn Idiot like me. The one I finally landed on was perfect, even had pictures of their doctors so I could start my uneducated judging of them immediately, reading biographies, looking at their faces, their clothing, trying to hand pick who I could stomach. Found one, called, made appointment, done. For now.
Appointment day came and I managed to drag myself into their office with worst case thoughts in my head the entire time. I even knew what the office would look like already, image in my head right down to the type of couch. I can say, I was pleasantly surprised when I showed up, no sterile smell, the area was warm like someone’s living room, receptionist was friendly and they were playing Bob Ross on the big screen in the waiting room, no stupid magazines. I even asked the bubbly, smiling receptionist about the Bob Ross, and she replied, studies have shown he has an amazing affect on calming anxiety and improving depression. Maybe it is his cadence, or the art, or the afro. I was pleased. Appointment went well, I guess we covered the basics that everyone does at their first meeting with a psychiatrist, but we agreed to keep meeting and he was able to introduce me to a therapist in the same office that I could meet with immediately, just to talk. This was positive. I know not everyone will luck out like this but going into it with my piss poor attitude did not bode well for the outcome, and everything worked out anyways. I guess the moral to this story could be that it does not really matter where you start, or who you meet with, you just need to get help from someone and go from there. I have kept the same therapist and psychiatrist for 2 years now, and while they have their faults, I am still too stubborn and rigid to try anyone else, that part of me has not changed and probably will not. He could have punched me in the face in our first meeting and I would probably still be seeing him. They both help, they both give me good advice, and more importantly, have set me on a medication plan that is far better than Jameson and hand me down drugs from friends.
Stubborn Idiot Tells Everyone about his Anxiety
Tell everyone. Suck up your stupid pride, put away your guy’s-guy attitude about being tough and untouchable and tell people about your anxiety disorder and what you are dealing with. Despite what I thought, I was amazed at the compassion and understanding I was met with when I opened up and told people what I was dealing with. When I told my boss, he was completely understanding and even told me he knew something was going on. He went over what we can do to move forward and told me about what our company offers for mental health. When I told my buddies, they gave me a hard time at first, some slight ribbing about being a psycho, but ultimately let me know that they were there for me and would help with anything I needed. When I told my favorite bartender, she told me she would help me cut back on alcohol and even started automatically serving me sporadic “water shots” and ginger ales. When I told my girlfriend, she broke down in tears and felt I should have told her sooner because she loves me and wants to make my life better. When I told my parents, they opened up and told me they both dealt with the same issues, and it was probably hereditary, we went over all the things they do that helps them. I felt completely relieved that I was not “in the closet” about my anxiety anymore. Now, if I am having a bad day, I don’t need to say much more, or make up an outlandish excuse about why I can’t make it to the (insert event here) they all understand and let me know they care. It is an amazing feeling not to hide anymore and need to self-medicate.
Stubborn Idiot Cuts the Bad From Life
On the advice of the aforementioned therapist and psychiatrist that I now meet with monthly, I have begun to cut the bad things out of my life. What I thought was good for me and provided a release was in fact exacerbating and making my anxiety worse. This primarily meant: Stop drinking so much! As a self-proclaimed guy’s-guy, this was difficult, but was not impossible. I did not stop cold turkey, in fact did not even stop drinking really, did not stop going to the bar to meet with my buddies. Due to my stubborn, borderline OCD tendencies, I could not just stop completely, I did things my way and changed it up. You can do the same, in your own way. First instead of going to the bar 3–4 times a week, I cut down to 2 and divided my week up the way I wanted, also predetermined by sports obligations and UFC fights. While at the bar, I promised myself to start mixing my beer and shots with water and ginger ale. I paced myself at first, slowing it all down, drinking slower, not taking up every offer for shots, and most importantly not stumbling out of the bar each time. I have now gotten to the point where I only visit the bar 1–2 times per month, and I only drink about 3 beers each time, with no shots. This way, I can still keep up with my buddies, still see my favorite bartender, and still feel like I have a life outside of work. I found that the alcohol was numbing me from feeling anything and have learned that in order to obliterate anxiety, you need to face it head on, not avoid it. Acknowledge that it is there, and it is just a feeling, that you can control and push down, or push away. Not too mention, Hangovers are incredibly anxiety inducing, avoiding those at all costs has helped immensely.
Stubborn Idiot Adds Good into Life
Now, what I thought was the good in my life, eating, drinking to excess, binging TV for hours, needed to be replaced with things that were actually good for me. I have always deemed myself quite artistic, just never took the time to explore where this took me. I have started to draw and paint a few times a week. I have found this as a cathartic activity that allows me to shut off my mind for a few hours and tap into my creativity, halting ruminations, clearing the mind. This hobby, (or any hobby that you can take up), has allowed me to self-medicate in a positive way instead of my other nefarious ways of shutting off my brain. My Therapist has also suggested finding some “brain candy” that I can also use to occupy my ever-cycling anxiety-stricken brain. My brain candy consists mostly of comedy videos. Anytime I need a small break from reality, I can search for a quick video online and hopefully squeeze out a few previously suppressed laughs. You would be surprised how helpful a little laughter, even in the bathroom stall at work, can be. The therapist droned on about how it creates dopamine in the brain and acts as an uplifting drug for your brain, hence “brain candy”. You can come up with your own method, be it comic books, reading positive articles, searching social media, whatever, just come up with some “brain candy”.
Stubborn Idiot Submits to Exercise
Let me preface this by saying the stubborn idiot in me hated to work out, previously only working out to tell people that I did it, or post on social media about a work out to see what kind of likes I got. I was forced to admit that I did actually feel better after a workout. I started small, walking around the neighborhood after work with the girlfriend. These little walks gave us time to talk, get closer to each other and I was able to get things off my chest, she didn’t even need to respond, I could just put my thoughts out into the universe, and it helped. Our walks slowly turned into going to the gym, lifting weights and doing cardio. I even get into a little Yoga now and then, which focuses on breathing, this is a huge help and taught me how to control my breathing in times of anxiety. Now, the Stubborn Idiot takes over and this has become part of my routine, I even get upset when I am unable to work out. The benefit has been, I dropped 60 pounds and feel like I have a secret weapon against my anxiety that I can jump into after work. Start small, even stay small if you want, but do something to expel the negative energy, it really helps.
Stubborn Idiot Starts Eating Better
All those articles I read about eating better, used to just piss me off. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I should eat better, I know I will feel better, but eating what I want also makes me feel good. I again started small on this one, replacing the pizza night with salad night at first. It was tough, I love pizza, I love wings, I love beer. I still give myself all of these things, just not all the time like I used to. From there, I started replacing items I indulged in with healthier options and smaller portions. Instead of a steak and mac and cheese meal, it turned into lean meat like chicken and a vegetable side. I am not saying this needs to be every night of the week, but making some small gradual changes believe it or not, helped my mental health. I do not feel like taking a nap after dinner, I feel like I am giving my body fuel, and nutrients that it needs to work positively. Even writing this out sounds corny as hell and I am aggravating myself, this stubborn idiot feels like a fraud and hypocrite, but trust me, this helps, even in small steps.
Stubborn Idiot Does All the Crap You Read About
Hypocritical, it still feels horrible to admit, but all that crap you read about, meditation, breathing exercises, mindfulness. It all works. You just need to find your niche and your way to do it, no matter how big or small. I reluctantly started to meditate, at the insistence of my girlfriend, each night for 5–10 minutes before bed. My favorite are the short clips online that have someone without a dumb voice, or ridiculous premise. I have found a few favorites that I can repeat over and over. I do this in bed, laying down and ready to go to sleep. The quick 5–10 minutes helps calm down my mind, stop my ruminations and most importantly helps me fall asleep easier. Breathing exercises follows the same idea, but this technique I can use anytime throughout the day. If I am feeling the anxiety creep in during a workday, I can take 2 minutes and start breathing deeply, bringing me back to normal. I do this either in the bathroom stall, at my desk, or in my car. Look up your own exercises online, but they are all pretty much the same, in through your nose for a count of 4, hold, then out through your mouth with pursed lips for a count of 6–8. The stubborn idiot still feels dumb about mindfulness, and I do not practice as much as I should, but when I do, it centers me. I can stop ruminating about the future, cycling crazy scenarios over and over in my head and bring my self back to the moment at hand. I find that if I don’t look to the future, or what could come with it and just focus on the exact moment I am sitting in, I can push the anxiety aside, even just for a little while.
Stubborn Idiot Handles Anxiety in the Moment
This might be the most important section, and I am saving the best for last. At this point, I have fully submitted to my anxiety disorder, it is part of my life and is not going anywhere. It will still arise at times I least expect, or times I fully expect and bring on myself. In the moment, I can obliterate it with any of the weapons I have developed. I can watch a quick video to bring a soothing laugh, I can breathe a little, I can try to be mindful but mostly, I use the S.T.O.P. method for eliminating any anxiety in the moment. This all came from my therapist and is an extensively used CBT method, super-duper corny, and textbook, the Stubborn Idiot wants to reject this BS, but it works. “S” Stop what you are doing and take a moment to pause everything. Step away if you need to, go to the bathroom, go outside, whatever, just Stop. “T” Take a few deep breaths and bring yourself back to center. Acknowledge the anxiety and realize that it is just a feeling and you can push it away. “O” Observe what is going on, within your body, your mind and bring yourself back to reality. Is this thought or feeling a reality? Most likely I am imagining a worst case scenario and not the real situation. Thoughts are not reality. Assess and Observe how you are feeling. “P” Proceed with what was going on, or do not proceed. Take what you learned when you Observed and correct your actions accordingly in a manner that makes you feel better.
Take it or leave it, I have used all these methods to take my anxiety disorder from something that controlled every moment of my life and was leading me down a path of self-destruction, to an element of my life that I can obliterate at any time, taking back control. The stubborn idiot in me will never leave, but the anxiety is not going to leave either. I needed to find a balance between the two, otherwise the stubborn idiot method would likely end in disaster. So, I guess at this point, you could call me a strong willed, mindful, typical Guy with anxiety that he is destroying in his own way. I hope you can find something useful out of my story and it helps you.
Michael Joslin is a 40-year-old guy, originally from NY who has been living in Hawaii for the past 15 years. He struggles with depression, anxiety and ADHD and enjoys writing about life, mental health, love, and daily musings. He says, “I am a new freelance writer getting my feet wet in this business.”