Do I Have an Anxiety Disorder or Is This Normal?

Photo by Nicole Mason

On the nights I am awake at 3 AM finishing schoolwork, I sometimes wander to Google, pulling up quick quizzes aptly named “Do You Have Anxiety?” usually based off the DSM criteria for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. They aren’t very accurate, but being a terrible procrastinator, I go through several of these similarly-worded quizzes, and they end up saying something like, “you have a mild-to-moderate-to-high chance of having an anxiety disorder! (But of course, check with your doctor first.) ”Figuring out mental health is never a straightforward, clear-cut process as these quizzes suggest, but the ambiguity of the quiz results always raises more questions than it answers. Inevitably, I end my early morning diversion by searching something along the lines of, “When does regular anxiety become a disorder?”

According to the first search result on Google, the line that separates ‘normal’ anxiety and an anxiety disorder is the point where anxiety begins to interfere with daily functioning. That blog post might not be the most credible source of information on anxiety, but it echoes the National Institute of Mental Health which defines anxiety disorders as feelings of persistent and possibly increasing anxiousness which may “interfere with daily activities.” All these articles and late-night quizzes I click onto imply anxiety is a spectrum. And yet, mainstream narratives around anxiety often use dichotomous rhetoric. You either have an anxiety disorder, or you do not.

Some people think that language and terminology associated with anxiety disorders are being overused. A common opinion I see (scrolling through Facebook comments on articles, which perhaps isn’t the best source of meaningful discussion) is that people who identify feelings of nervousness as anxiety trivialize the experiences of those who have actually been diagnosed with anxiety. And there are some who believe anxiety disorders are overdiagnosed as a way to create a bigger market for pharmaceuticals. These are valid concerns. But they also leave me in a limbo of speculating whether I might have a problem with anxiety and convincing myself that I don’t.

I find myself stuck between the two narratives of (i) a functioning student — getting decent grades, showing up to social events, contributing adequately to my club, dragging myself to every lecture on time — and, (ii) being an anxiety-ridden student — dreading meeting people, being unable to eat before exams, sometimes getting flare-ups of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), getting light-headed and panicky on occasion, latching on to superstitions and omens. But really, all this, one could chalk probably up to nervousness and other factors.

Socializing is a performance, and stage fright is common. Being nervous about exams is pretty typical too. The chronic indigestion and stomach cramps may have to do with my horrific college-student diet. Getting light-headed and panicky could be because of an occasional lack of food (I forget to eat sometimes). And I grew up in a somewhat superstitious East Asian society. I could just be misattributing all these issues to anxiety. Ultimately, I tell myself, it doesn’t necessarily mean I have a Real Problem.

Last night, I lay in bed worrying whether my purchase of a crocodile print shirt would lead to a death in the family. I eventually fell asleep and woke up as usual. This afternoon, I felt the tell-tale tightness around my ribcage while reading my course texts. I continued reading as usual. I was able to push through with the tightness around my chest until I finished my work. These feelings don’t interfere too much with my daily functioning. Or maybe I have simply scheduled anxiety into my daily routine, and it is not something I find too disruptive anymore. Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself. 

I appreciate that mental health has not yet derailed my life as I know it has for so many others. I recognize that there are many who experience anxiety at a much higher intensity than I do. I recognize that I am privileged in this way. But being in this gray-zone, this perpetual state of limbo, is difficult to navigate.

I experience anxiety, yet I don’t experience it enough. I experience psychosomatic discomfort, yet am not immobilized by it. My anxiety doesn’t slot easily into the category of a disorder, and yet seems to go beyond regular nervousness. I feel as though I should be able to move forward with my life, and yet, I keep coming back to the same question, to the same search tabs on Google — do I have anxiety, and do I need to get help? Is it worth jumping through the hoops of college insurance to see a medical professional? How do I justify using limited campus resources that other people might need more than I do? Do I have to make my anxiety seem debilitating enough to be taken seriously?

And is there space for people like me, in the gray-zone of disorder and not-disorder, where others may see our experiences as legitimate — not as a way to trivialize diagnosed mental illnesses on one end, and not as a mere fault of character on the other? 

Maybe, but not yet.

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Have your taken quizzes like the one Jessica describes? Share your experience in the comments below.

Love in Tough Times: How to Help Your Partner Deal with Anxiety

Advice from two guys with years of experience.

The bear I live with.

My friend Kate and I were discussing an important, under-explored perspective of anxiety: the partner's. 

Those of us with anxiety often have husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates, or  best friends who have been forced to  learned right alongside us. It can be just as much of a struggle for them as it is for us.

Here are some of the smaller gestures that have worked for us from our caring, smart partners. This is really their list, not ours.

Break the Cycle

1. "I find that if I'm getting caught in my own thoughts and spiraling up, my husband has learned to come along and take the iPhone from me, or the spoon from my hand if I'm cooking, and squeeze my shoulder. The physical grounding brings me back to the moment."

2. "I get a gentle nudge to take care of myself. He may offer to take care of our kid so that I can exercise, sleep, take a bath, etc, reminding me that I need to focus on my health.

3. "Sometimes, sadly, I need more than a nudge. I feel bad about it, but I am so appreciative that there are times when my partner just tells me (lovingly) to go to bed. I need the sleep, and to get out of the loop, but it's hard for me to realize it in the moment. Ditto take a walk and get out of my head."

4. "I've noticed that a change in environment is huge for me. My husband will get us out of the house. I don't know if it's the barometric pressure or the body temperature change or what, but when I feel the woods breeze on my skin, I immediately start to feel better."

5. "My partner has helped figure out what I describe as 'two sentences' or 'mantra' on certain topics. When I get stuck, he reminds me what my two sentences are, and they help me get unstuck. My favorite lately is 'Close and delete.' I say it constantly, and it works.'"

 Thanks to the partners and friends everywhere for taking care of us and loving us. 

6. "This one is really hard but it works so well for me. If someone can make me laugh about my catastrophizing, while still understanding it, I instantly feel better. 'Yes, the garbage outside looks fuller than usual for garbage day. Maybe it will start to pile up and take over our house! The street! The neighborhood!' Once I start laughing, I'm feeling better.'"

7. "The 20-second (minimum) hug, proven to release oxytocin."

8. "He picks me up and cracks my back."

9. This one came in from Facebook from Angela, and I really liked it because it brings up another angle entirely--parenting! "Along with hugs, this kid's book has some helpful tips (for all ages): A Boy and A Bear, by Lori Lite." I found a video version of the book here on Youtube. It's incredibly relaxing.

This post was originally published February 7, 2016, then updated on March 24, 2018.

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What do you do to help your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse with anxiety? Share in the comments!

How to Avoid Wasting Your Weekend Binge-Watching TV

Stoic Advice from a First Century Philosopher

Seneca the Younger lived from around 4 B.C. to 65 A.D.

From the watch on our wrist to the phone in our pockets; from the dashboard in our cars to the walls in our boardrooms and classrooms; from our TVs to our nightstands. Time. It's an indubitable part of our existence, an integral piece of our understanding of our world, an earmark of our daily maneuverings.

Just like our car breaks down, our heels wear-out, our milk spoils, Time expires over...time. Most of us have been a long life to live but how much longer do we really have? Decades? Years? 

Why are we so confident in our longevity? It can be given and given and given, and then gone — just like that — without notice, without warning, without expectation. 

Now, what if we lived with the mindframe of Memento mori?

In Seneca’s first letter in his Letters from a Stoic, he writes about the nature of time to his friend, Lucilius. He encourages his friend–and us–to “gather and save our time.” Is that possible? Can we gather Time like we would gather flowers from a garden? 

Seneca, even in his day, was aware how time can be “forced from us, or filched away, or merely slipped from our hands.” We can all admit how cultural expectations and social influences “force” us to spend our time in certain ways: binge-watching TV shows on weekends, scrolling through news feeds that abounds to hours, listening to nothing but jams on a road-trip. 

The question is: What’s the end? What’s the aim? What’s the target?

Seneca continues:

The most disgraceful kind of loss…is due to carelessness. Furthermore, if you will pay close heed to the problem, you will find that the largest portion of our life passses while we are doing ill, a goodly share while we are doing nothing, and the whole while we are doing that which is not the purpose.

I don’t think binge-watching some shows, or flicking-up, flicking-down on social media would be seen by most as so-called “careless.” But a Stoic thinker would ask about the rationale that goes beyond just the activity in and of itself. 

“Doing ill” can be interpreted in our time as being unsatisfied, frustrated, joyless, angry, or anxious. We seek to become more satisfied. We find ways to release that frustration. We jump from one-thing-to-another to escape a joyless state. We ruffle our feathers and become consumed in anger. We distract ourselves to assuage any anxiety.

These emotional vicissitudes impinge on our slowly dwindling and hence valuable Time. Are we using It wisely? Is our choice to use our Time actually making us “ill”? We have to own sliding into dissatisfaction, growing into frustration, falling into joylessness, steaming into anger, and fretting to anxiety. And what is the product of these self-imposed circumstances? Nothing but more of it. 

We find little purpose and little productiveness to being soaked in dissatisfaction, flurried in frustration, stepped in miserableness, treading water in anger, and frazzled in angst. 

Seneca saw each day as not living but “dying daily.” And — as gloomy-and-gray as it is — he’s right. Our skin dies, our mind ages, our entire body breaks-down, our relationship will last less-and-less, and our Time is ticking, ticking, towards zero.  

Fearing death, we may reframe the way Seneca does: “the major portion of death has already passed.” With what we do, we are relinquishing our Time. Who’s in possession of our Time? Pleasure or purpose? Loss or love? Life or death?

Seneca implores: “Hold every hour into our grasp.”

It’s progressively challenging — and even counterculture — for us to attend to each hour as it passes. We live on a ceaseless treadmill, a never-ending loop of tasks, commitments, places-to-be and people-to-see. Drive-thrus-over-sit-downs, texting-over-conversation, followers-over-true friends. We settle for what is fast, convenient, and quantitatively larger (and thus qualitatively insignificant). 

Many times we “postpone” what’s really important, such as: one-on-one time with family, time to reflect on this past year, making a needed lifestyle change. We get caught-up in the current, diverted by the lights, enraptured by the rhythm. We become reactionary, unpredictable, and shortsighted. And accordingly, “life speeds by.” 

Seneca holds that our Time is “entrusted” to us. From this lens, our Time is believed to be sacred, special, salient. If we would subscribe to this philosophy, how much different would we go about things? We wouldn’t procrastinate nor hope nor wish nor un-appreciate nor look-past.

Most of us avoid — painstakingly, hypervigilantly, with dedication — to be in debt: credit card fees, mortgage payments, student loans. We repel having pending financial matters that hang-over-our-heads, that burden us, that linger around every corner. But why don’t we see that the poor decisions that we make so regularly with our Time have us in another type of “debt”? We are “loaned” Time, this “precious commodity,” by the Earth but we're bad stewards of it. If we value ourselves and we value our lives, then we would — logically — value our Time.

We would take it as our duty to use our Time in the best manner (which is determined and decided-upon with prudence, judiciousness, and patience). 

Many say that they live their lives to the fullest (and many believe they do). Well, then that would matter is your definition of “the fullest.” This common platitude that men and women, young and old alike regurgitate typically carries-out “the fullest” as the most pleasurable, the most desirable, the most attractive, the most expensive, the most fun. And Seneca would retort of those who standby this: “What fools these mortals be!” Why? — because “The Most” is short-lived, and thus, trivial, insubstantial, and folly.

If Time is money, then many are suffering in poverty. Their “expenditures” expire quickly and last not long. Their choices on what to use their Time on makes them uninformed customers, unwise shoppers, and asinine buyers. They get that and this because he or she did. If you question them on their reason, their thought-process behind their use of Time, they’ll be unprepared and ashen when pressed for an answer. 

Nevertheless, soon enough you’ll be approaching “the dregs of the cask,” the remaining crumbs, the last drop, the final pick of your Time. Will you reflect with satisfaction on how you lived your life, or will you look back with regret? We can decide now to live-out each day that we’re given, responsibly. We do this by awareness and appreciation for being alive, for having things and people we love and enjoy. And so, we can really live our lives to the fullest.

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breven bell writes for Beautiful Voyager, Invisible Illness, and Thoughts and Ideas on Medium. Follow him on Twitter.

Why Anxiety Is a Physical Illness

This isn't author Kelly Dudzik, but it's a photo of a determined person, and that's what dealing with the physical elements of anxiety is all about.

Apparently, I’ve been to the psychiatric emergency room. I don’t remember it.

My mom picked me up from my college dorm room and took me there. I vaguely remember a waiting room with maroon chairs but that’s it.

I had a hard time adjusting to the thought of college. It had nothing to do with worrying about getting into the school I wanted, but everything to do with my anxiety. I worried about leaving home, even though it would only be a 20-minute drive away. I worried about meeting new people, even though people usually like me. I worried about being lonely, even though I would be surrounded by people.

But going to college is what valedictorians do, so I went. And the first week actually went well. I had prepared myself mentally, running different scenarios in my head and trying to prepare for every possibility before it happened. I was surprised at how well it went. Then I stopped eating.

Food made me sick; my body just couldn’t handle it. My mom came up to eat with me, but it didn’t help. Eventually even the smell of food made me sick, and I avoided it all together. I lived on crackers and water and my frame whittled down to 100 pounds; I could take off my pants without unbuttoning them.

I couldn’t make it through a class without crying. I would be sitting there and everything would be fine, when suddenly I was overcome with fear and I could feel my eyes pricking with tears. I would excuse myself, take my stuff, and sob my way back to my dorm.

Several times I was too distraught to get on the bus and had to have my sister come pick me up. She never understood what the problem was because whenever she came to pick me up, I was always calm and composed. My sister never realized that the reason I looked relaxed was because she was there.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was having panic attacks. A panic attack is a misnomer: it should be called a fear attack. I wasn’t panicking; I was overwhelmed by fear. My adrenaline rose, my vision narrowed, and I started hyperventilating. I was afraid, but I had no reason for it. There was no one chasing me, no one hurting me. I simply experienced the fear associated with it. I became so overwhelmed that I sobbed as a release.

I had very physical symptoms from my anxiety:

1. Nausea from the smell of food

2. Constant diarrhea

3. Breathing was shallow and insufficient

4. Crying/meltdown episodes several times throughout the day

5. Inability to focus and memory loss

6. Repetitive, obsessive, cyclical thoughts

7. Unable to function at a basic social level

8.  Restless and light sleep

And so, one night my mom took me to the psychiatric ER. According to her, I called her, but she couldn’t understand me, I was crying so hard. And she couldn’t calm me down like she’d been able to do before.

The ER doctor gave me a Xanax and referred me to the university’s psychological counseling services that are free for students and teachers. My mom took me the next day, but I don’t remember going there either. They gave me the name of a psychiatrist who changed my life.

That psychiatrist gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to see her in a few days after it started working. I had no qualms about taking a psychotropic drug. If it made me feel better and helped me function, who cared about the social stigma? I knew what was happening to me wasn’t something I could just ‘walk off’ or ‘get over’ and so I refused to feel bad about taking drugs if they helped.

I remember the exact moment the Xanax kicked in. I was walking down my dorm hallway and I looked into the face of a boy. He smiled a little and passed me. I stopped. I realized I hadn’t been looking people in the face since I got to college because I was always looking down. My anxiety was still there; I was a nervous wreck and still had massive intestinal distress, but I no longer felt like I was drowning in it.

Anxiety is like drowning.

Your head is just below the surface of the water and you can’t break free. Your heart squeezes tight and you can’t breathe. You panic and think you’re going to die. What’s remarkable is that no one around you seems to notice you’re drowning. You want to yell out for help but there’s water in your mouth and nose and down your throat. You are dying and no one realizes.

Illustration: Thomas Dudzik

My anxiety was a rolling ocean, but I finally had my head above water. I wasn’t on dry land but at least I could breathe. My psychiatrist said that medication usually helps people realize what they’ve been feeling; it helps people take a step back from themselves. Then therapy can be more effective. Xanax helped hold my head above the water. I wasn’t cured, but I could breathe again.

Once the Xanax kicked in, my psychiatrist gave me homework. She had me write down all the symptoms of my panic attacks in the order they happened. Seeing it written down made me less afraid. I also saw that the panic attack would build up slowly and in a very specific order. I had thought the panic attacks had come on suddenly and without warning. I was constantly afraid of rogue waves. But it turned out, there were no rogue waves; everything followed a very specific order and timeline. Whenever the symptoms started, I was able to identify them and say to myself, “Oh, I’m about to have a panic attack,” instead of suddenly being overwhelmed by it. I was able to identify the symptoms in enough time that I could steer the ship away from the wave, letting the panic attack pass me by completely.

My psychiatrist told me to write down my thoughts with the physical symptoms. It became very obvious what was causing the panic attacks. My psychiatrist explained to me that I get into black and white thinking: everything is either going to be the best thing that ever happened to me or the worst thing that ever happened to me. When something doesn’t live up to the high standards of being the best and is simply, say, just okay, my mind says that the opposite is true and that the most terrible thing is about to happen to me. My psychiatrist had me come up with and repeat a mantra: “Everything could be fine, could be bad. Let life happen.” I repeated that to myself every single time anything happened that I didn’t plan for. I wouldn’t be surprised if I repeated it to myself hundreds of times a day in the beginning. The mantra was a comfort to me, kind of like repeating to yourself there’s nothing scary in the basement as you walk down the steps.

I didn’t really see how any of that was going to cure the massive physical symptoms I had but the psychiatrist had been right so far so I kept at it. And a funny thing happened: it started working. I immediately stopped having crying meltdowns. I would still get overwhelmed but now I had to foresight to take a deep breath and tell myself to calm down, that everything was fine, let life happen, be in the moment, see what happens. My body started to relax and released the death grip it had on my stomach, allowing me to finally eat food. I gorged on all the food I had missed out and quickly gained back the weight I lost.

Finally eating and sleeping better, I realized I had anxiety due to a feeling of lack of control. I would state what kind of day it was going to be and then be a nervous wreck in case it didn’t turn out that way. I was like a party hostess, determined to have everything go perfectly, except I didn’t have waiters to complain to if the shrimp puffs ran out; I only had myself to blame and I did so horribly. I was a bridezilla but only berated myself.

Nothing had to actually go wrong for me to have anxiety. In fact, it didn’t matter what the day was like because I had anxiety. I was constantly worried about everything; I felt like I needed to be in control but couldn’t keep up with all the possible ways the day could turn out. People with anxiety are in a constant state of paranoid hyper-vigilance. They see everything and are very jumpy. Their mind races to sort out all the information while new information continues to come in. They cannot keep up. On top of cataloguing new information, a person with anxiety also comes up with every possible outcome of each situation. It is simply too much information and they cease being able to function.

Slowly, I got better. I was able to head off panic attacks before they started by using the mantra. I never would have been able to do it without the Xanax, but after a month, I was off the meds and just using the mantra. And college got better and I actually enjoyed it because of the tools my psychiatrist gave me.

If you need medication and/or professional help, please get some. And if you’re too far gone to be able to get the help yourself, please ask someone to help you. I was lucky enough my mother is amazing. There would have been no way I would have been able to drive myself to the emergency psych ward; I don’t even remember being there. And my mom navigated the confusing insurance claims for me. Again, I was in no state to deal with those. I was too busy holding on for dear life while the waves threatened to drown me. In this case, I needed someone to take the wheel from me. I needed someone to handle things for me.

If someone fell off a roof and broke every bone in their body, you’d drive them to the hospital or call an ambulance. You wouldn’t plead with them to get help while they laid there, and then get mad when they don’t move. You would physically help them. Mental illness is a physical illness and needs physical help. Sometimes the person will say they are fine while they bleed out. It sucks because in those cases, they can refuse to get in the car. But eventually, they will realize it is out of hand and they need help. And you need to be there ready to go when they finally confess they can’t handle it. You need to know the way to the hospital or a psychiatrist in their insurance plan. Just like you would if the person had broken their leg. Again, it can suck. But if you love the person with mental illness, you will do it. The alternative can literally be death for them.

If you don’t have someone who can help you, find someone. Do it now while you are still able to read this book and remember it. Find a support group who will care if something happens to you. Put the suicide hotline number in your phone. Don’t be afraid to call 911. An emergency is an emergency.

Kelly Dudnik Creator of travel blog lousieandclaire.com.

Kelly Dudnik is the creator of travel blog lousieandclaire.com. Read more of her work on Medium.

How Anxiety Affects the Body: A Poem

Photo by Nick Schumacher

Body of anxiety

Let’s take it from the top

The head, the throbbing head

Filled with wires,

Snapping and flailing

Chancing connection

Through misfiring neurons

That reach the neck

Taut with unnoticed tension

Glued to the head —

And to the back

In one immovable block

Arms, the floating arms

Detached at times

Or tethered too tight

In their fight

To escape the body

But their fidgets belie

Their purpose —

to squeeze, to hold, to grab

on to something firm

A counterweight, a countermeasure

From steadier times

Days when the the legs moved

In much the same way

And covered distances

Effortless, breathless distances

Still, to this day they move

Trudging forward

One by one, the same way

Whether trouncing ruins

of old dreams

or delicate shards

of future remnants

Which are pointy objects

That pierce the feet

and prick the skin

Sending shockwaves

back to the head

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Jordan Brown is the founder of Nerve 10, the website he created. It's named after the "connects the brain to body structures as varied and important as the heart, the lungs, the intestines, and the colon." Read more here. 

Ask an Overthinker: Should You Fake Confidence?

I love this image, which I first saw on one of Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s columns.

Beautiful Voyager advice columnist Mohammedi Khan

The Beautiful Voyager advice column isn’t like most others. In this column, I ask a question, research, then gather advice, insight, and tips from you: family, friends, and fellow readers. There’s no right or wrong answer. This column encourages the sharing of ideas. Share your thoughts, and they will appear in future columns. Let’s build together a robust collection of diverse tips for us all to try. 

On to this week’s question…

We live in a society that values confidence in school and at work, but anxiety can attack that very confidence. How does this affect your self-esteem in daily life, and how you think others perceive you?

8 Ways Anxiety Attacks Confidence

1. Past experiences leave trauma that creates fear of failure and success.

Anxiety can be induced from resurfacing past experiences. Not just their memories, but the emotional familiarity they can bring to the forefront of your cognition. For example, the impact left by childhood bullying is a trauma that is more deeply ingrained than one would assume. Traumas have the ability to amplify insecurities in an individual that can last from their teens to late adulthood.

How is this? Well, the way a child chooses to deal with his or her bullying might have been their first introduction to coping with anxiety. Along with the unconscious decision of identifying with the defense mechanism(s) they will become accustomed to turn to in their future interactions. An individual who confronted their bully as a child, may choose a more direct verbal/physical approach if they come face-to-face with similar insecurities again. Or, an individual who chose avoidance and solitude as a child, may show reluctance and isolation in the way they handle that same situation. This is why adolescent trauma is important to recognize and treat. It can wire healthy and unhealthy coping in an individual that they involuntarily will return to again and again through life.  

Denise Granito

“Fight and flight sets in when there is a negative reaction being triggered because of emotions based on a past experience. One that was deemed impossible or even based on the fear of success itself.” — Denise Granito (Chicago, IL)

“Sometimes my anxiety gets too heavy that I sometimes “freeze”, and then get frustrated when I need to step away or isolate myself. 
Others may perceive me as dramatic, strange, over-sensitive, or even unrelatable. Since middle school, I naturally dealt with my anxiety by picking at my fingers, sometimes to the point of open wounds or blood. Because of this bad habit I’ve become self-conscious of my thumbs and how scarred they are.” — Anonymous

2. Your preconditions like race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion can lead to hyper-awareness of your salient identities.

When being in an environment that makes you hyper-aware of the differences of yourself in comparison to the rest of the composition (racial, gender, etc.) of the room - it can get scary. In my experience when I suddenly realize I might be the only woman, Muslim, or South-Asian in a room, it can sometimes abruptly make me feel uncomfortable. My confidence can quickly go from a reality, to a facade taking root. Anxiety creeps in. Not because I’m not used to working with people from diverse backgrounds, but because I feel as though I become representative for their identities and experiences as well. Without my consent or control (please reference Cidney's quote below). This is a truth of a societal-happening that occurs whether you intend for it to or not.

In certain situations, I begin feeling as though combinations of stereotypes are being placed on me, and I’m left to either confront and disprove them, or meld into them. This sort of pressure can leave you feeling uncomfortable to a point that it drastically affects your presentation of body language and decorum.

Melissa Vazquez

“As a Women of Color (WOC) who studied and worked at Loyola University, I felt I had to continuously prove myself before anyone could doubt my capabilities. When in reality, I became my biggest critic.” — Melissa Vazquez (Chicago, IL)

“My anxiety is impacted by the demographics within a room, and how they may exacerbate my anxiousness or allow it to subside. When I’m in a diverse familiar space in a classroom or workplace I am able to flourish. When I’m in an all-White space I am more shaken and my confidence is a lot more broken. I start to carry that experience of speaking up or “failing” out of that space and into my daily life. There’s pressure that comes along with me feeling as if I have to speak for every black woman in many spaces when my identity/experiences/trauma is so different from my black sisters in many ways.” — Cidney Robinson (Chicago, IL)

Cidney Robinson

3. Society’s expectations lead us to feel an ongoing pressure.

Pressure can come from living up to what is expected from us, or how we conform our notions to fit that of society's. It creates both a fear of owning your success, to accepting your failures.

Social anxiety can lead to some confidence battles arising from external appearances, where one might feel judged for not fitting the spectrum of what classifies beauty. While some industries (i.e. makeup and modeling) are helping women accept themselves more, they at the same time can fuel more negative self-images. Women experience it more from body shaming, cat-calling, dressing, mannerisms, etc. They are critiqued more, while being expected to abide by traditional social conventions more. 

Those who have felt the onset of anxiety can testify that sometimes there are warning signs to give you a heads-up, and sometimes BOOM - it’s just there! The physical impact of anxiety is important to be aware of because sometimes the “fake it till you make it” approach is not applicable to those experiencing GAD. It can give you sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, tunnel vision, light-headedness, and to amplify the previous, just the worst-possible scenarios starting to seem plausible.

“Anxiety for me has stemmed from my own fear of failure and living up to society’s expectations.”— Treasure Pascal (Chicago, IL)

Treasure Pascal

Janay Moore

“My confidence is often shaken by anxiety. It is a fear stemmed from the possibility of being publicly wrong or just simply not good enough. Places like school and work value confidence, but they also value correctness and the ability to excel. The two are intertwined by circumstance but not necessarily in everyday life causing dissonance — this is where anxiety creeps in. How can I be confident and wrong? How can I be confident without mastering?”— Janay Moore (Chicago, IL)

“Social anxiety can affect confidence directly. What I’ve learned from my own experience is one can be an effective communicator; yet be plagued with worry that physically impacts them.” — Mohammedi Khan (Chicago, IL)

“ In the years where my self-confidence should have been ingrained and strengthened I encountered a lot of bullying from my peers. I started to constantly compare myself to others, never feeling good enough. I became consumed by how others perceived me that I developed a self-doubt that I still experience today.” — Melissa Vazquez (Chicago, IL)

4. Confidence can be a defense mechanism, or a means for over-compensation.

Confidence, or over-confidence can be a defense mechanism for some, or a tactic to deceive. For me anxiety is excessively worrying, and the smallest of things being blown out of proportion internally. It can lead to a feeling of, or a need for perfectionism. If any of this goes awry, negative self-talk ensues to“do better” on what is already fine. As simplistic as this might sound to some, *it is important to note that this is a reality for many who do not need validation of whether this reality exists or not. It IS their reality.

“Anxiety stems from the idea of being perfect, among my peers. Mainly because I perceive them to be more intelligent than me, and that my ideas may not be as valued compared to theirs. My anxiety drives perfection in my work. I can’t just turn in an assignment or do a presentation until I feel like it has been deconstructed and analyzed over and over again.. my overanalyzing makes me spend hours on an assignment that would take another student 30 minutes to complete. Because of my anxiety people may perceive me in a negative manner and associate traits of laziness and irresponsiblity. Not knowing that I probably put 5x more effort in my work to produce the same product as them.” — Anonymous

5. Not knowing how or when to stand up for yourself.

Confidence-anxiety comes from not having outlined your expectations, beliefs, and what you are willing to accept or not. So when things become blurred, your perceptions can cloud your judgement of what you believe you are deserving of. These moments are there to teach you how to stand up for yourself.

“Meeting so many diverse, inspiring people in college taught me life isn’t a competition. Many times I’ve run into people I felt deserved to succeed more than I did, which made me feel guilty for advocating for myself. When I gave up on gagging myself professionally, I found identity in the values I’d gained from my experiences.” — igetcha

6. Uncertainty means rushing to get to the known.

It is hard to grapple with the truth that there are some things we cannot anticipate or know immediately in life. For some, it is about accepting that, and for other worriers, this is a set-up for triggers leading to a cascade of events. Uncertainty for over-thinkers is an uncomfortable place that can take some draining navigating. Whereas, on the other hand certainty is security and knowing. The balance between the two, and levels of what you are willing to allow in your life, is something that an individual must come to terms with on their own. Which is no easy feat. 

“#1 cause of anxiety in college students would be the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Basically, people who know very little about a topic overestimate how much they know. Learning more exposes us to how much we don’t know, a vast unknown we tend to overestimate.” — igetcha

“My anxiety comes from overthinking and overanalyzing certain situations/scenarios which cause even more anxiety (it’s like an endless cycle). This effects my everyday life because it causes me to double-guess myself, question my self-worth or the quality of my work which results with procrastination (not because I am lazy) or even allowing myself to become depressed, without knowing till it is too late.” — Anonymous

7. Workplace/school anxiety (I mean, you do spend most of your day here).

For many a year, job market searches and school application processes take a toll of their own. They have you questioning everything — your intellect, your potential, and mostly your ability to make choices.

After settling down on a choice, some must deal with the post-anxiety that comes after. From the lack of mental health understanding in employer's affecting how much an employee can effectively take on; to burnouts exposing students to feeling both overwhelmed and incapable of accomplishing. There are a range of emotions and triggers one must learn to unravel and decipher in order to make positive livelihood a habit.  

“My current employer isn’t very well trained on mental health, so when I’m told I’m disengaged I make clear every time that my mental illness means I may not perform the same as my coworkers in certain respects.” — Anonymous (Miami, Florida)

“Imposter syndrome makes navigating the ambiguous job market 100x harder. I would never work somewhere I wasn’t treated like a human being. No dream was worth giving up my self-respect. A friend told me that if I degrade myself, it’s indirectly degrading others in similar situations and humans in general. I keep in mind that I have the rest of my life to fail and try again and the only truly harmful thing I can do is give up...Game changers fail 100x more than everyone else because they experiment 1000x more. I feel I’ve learned the most from the times I’ve fallen the hardest, the times I beat myself up for months and then woke up to realize one day that I had worked way too hard for it all to be in vain.” — igetcha

8. Misery needs company.

We've all heard this phrase - well it cannot be truer. 

“Yet, somehow, no matter how many YouTube videos you watch, you’re the only person in the room who doesn’t get it. When the self-proclaimed legends are out picking up fans, you can find miserable company with your fellow self-doubters. You’ll leave feeling validated, understood, less alone, but more hopeless. — igetcha

This article focused on the different reasons as to why we might experience wavering confidence and anxiety. Be on the lookout for a second part to this prompt on working through this specific type of anxiety. 

This is a safe space, so please share your own experiences that may have affected your self-esteem and confidence. The BV family would love to hear them!

Ask an Overthinker: Advice for High-Stress Times

Beautiful Voyager advice columnist Mohammedi Khan

The Beautiful Voyager advice column isn’t like most others. In this column, I ask a question, then share advice, insight, and tips from all of you: family, friends, and fellow readers. Since there’s no right or wrong answer, this column is simply meant to encourage the sharing of ideas. Let's hear what works (or doesn’t work) for you, and build together a robust collection of diverse tips for us all to try. On to this week's question...

Readers, I’ll own up to it: I’ve been having trouble striking a balance between my work, side projects, and my social life.  I struggle with waves of overwhelming workloads in my pursuit of academic and career aspirations. That’s why, for this first installment of the Beautiful Voyager advice column, I wanted to dig into the following question:

How do you navigate your anxiety in high-stress times? How do you monitor overthinking and negative thought processes when papers and work from your beloved professors and/or bosses are piling up? What happens when deadlines hit you head-on?

1. Break it down (*as necessary).

Melissa Rohman

“I find that taking it day by day helps. Focusing on what today will bring, what you need to accomplish, and starting off any day with being kind to myself and easing into the day as much as I possibly can…because we are never guaranteed how the day will play out or what will happen. Someone wise once told me that it’s better to be centered than set and I think that deems true for this.” — Melissa Rohman  (Chicago, IL)

2. Remember breaks! Avoid overworking yourself.

Overworking defeats the purpose of producing quality work and retaining information. There is a difference between effective time-management and multi-tasking, and low-quality work due to strained conditions.

“I make sure to give myself a good to-do list of what goals I have for the day and to make sure I take mental and physical breaks regularly when a pending deadline is approaching or a lot is on my plate.” — Melissa Rohman 

3. The outdoors will calm your nerves.

“Nature also does wonders, so if it’s nice outside I like to take advantage of the magic the sunlight can have on your mood.” — Melissa Rohman

4. Enjoy what you do. Do it with passion and a desire, and the task ahead won’t seem as daunting or a burden. Remind yourself why you are doing it.

“To manage overthinking and negative thought processes is still in the works for me, but I’m getting better and better at it every day by telling myself that if I am enjoying what I’m doing and that I’m putting in my all that it is enough. It’s hard to make yourself believe that a lot of the time; I’m guilty of it. But I’m not perfect and I’ve come to realize there’s beauty in overthinking as long as you’re the one in control and not it.” — Melissa Rohman

5. Make completion of your task(s) tangible. Lists and deadlines are your friends.

“Schedule out all that I have to do on Google calendar and prioritize what I need to do, being honest with myself at what needs to be done and what the hard deadline is.” — Huma Nizamuddin (Chicago, IL)

Huma Nizamuddin

6. Communicate transparently with peers and colleagues. Ask for help.

Naseeb Bhangal

“Sometimes I’m emboldened to simply have a conversation with others and say…look I’m stressed here. Can you help?” — Naseeb Bhangal (Chicago, IL)

“Remind myself to communicate with others and ensure that they are receiving what they expect by the proper time. Sometimes we forget that people are on the other end waiting on us. It shouldn’t be stressful, but a reminder to organize ourselves carefully. Planning it all out by time really helps with my stress because I know I’ll be able to complete it all at least.” — Huma Nizamuddin (Chicago, IL)

7. Remind yourself: It will get done. Determine your style of work ethic.

Savannah Bays

“One thing that I always know is that it will get done. Whether it’s early or the day before, the assignment will get done.” — Savannah Bays (Chicago, IL)

8. Spirituality/Faith/Mindfulness Meditation. 
 

I go to a quiet area in my surroundings and try to refocus my thoughts using this religious hymn:

“I also try to do simran/prayer, which calms me down.” (Sikh faith) — Naseeb Bhangal (Chicago, IL)

Please share your anxiety-alleviating approaches! I'd love to hear them.

Top 10 Nailed-It Moments From the Hilarious World of Depression

If you haven't had a chance to check out John Moe's podcast, the Hilarious World of Depression, holiday travel is a great time for binge-listening. Plug in on a flight across the country and get involved in someone else's life and experiences. Along the way, pick up great insight about anxiety and depression from smart, funny people, like the ones listed here.  Without further ado, here are the top ten nailed-in moments from my favorite mental health podcast in 2017.

1. On the Relationship Between Anxiety and Depression.

“[Anxiety and depression] are closely related. For me, depression comes in to help manage the anxiety. And no, it doesn’t do a great job of it.” - Aimee Mann

2. On Being the Child of an Addict

"My mother (god bless her heart) was an addict when I was in high school. And since our emotional language comes from our parents, whatever they're stuck on, we are as well. As a result I wasn't aware of mental health issues for a long time. As a kid, you compartmentalize. You think you deserve to be treated however you are...Being a child of an addict is a surefire way to have some anxiety or depression as you get older. " - Baron Vaughn 

3. On Positive Thinking

"I thought, 'I can't do comedy as a trans person..' Luckily I had a friend who was sending me links and telling me I had to come to New York to do it. So that was very helpful, to have people around me who are like 'It is possible, just don't lead with your apprehension. Don't lead with your egheghwheww. " - Patti Harrison

4. On Suicide

"If you look at the Venn diagram for people who have bipolar disorder, people who are addicts and alcoholics, and people who have tried to commit suicide, statistically you could have guessed...It would have been a pretty safe guess that I would have attempted suicide. " - Ana Marie Cox and John Moe

5. On Writing

"I've often thought of writing as that childhood pool game Marco Polo, but I'm in my basement for 4 or 5 years just saying "Marco, Marco, Marco" over and over again, waiting for that one person to say Polo back." - John Green

6. On Hiding

"I didn't tell anyone about the OCD thoughts until I was 35 because I felt so ashamed of what they were. But then I googled my thoughts and...turns out, OCD sites came up. That's why I love the internet. Anything you're worried about, you type it in and someone's already done it, they've written a book about it." - Maria Bamford

7. On Reckoning with Truth

"When my dad admitted he didn't love me, it actually made me feel better. It was both excruciating and liberating. It meant I wasn't crazy."  - Neal Brannon

8. On Dealing with Other People

"I'm a snob about depression. I think we are superior." - Jen Kirkman

9. On Anxiety and People Pleasing

"When I was around 12 or 13 years old, anxiety started for me. Attention became uncomfortable. I began to feel I wasn't doing things for myself as much as doing things other people expected me to do...For example, it was important to the adults in my life that I do teen magazines. I didn't want to do that. It felt like a distraction. I just wanted to make believe."  - Wil Wheaton

10. On Being Misperceived

"I was not an aggressive person. I didn't have that killer instinct. I was very timid. I just happened to be born into this was this 6 foot 6, 240-pound body. I was very athletic and I could run fast and jump high but my mental makeup was more like Richard Lewis." - Gary Gulman

Do you listen to Hilarious World of Depression? Did I miss one of your favorite moments? Let me know by commenting below!