How Should I Handle the Holidays As A People-Pleaser?
Photo by Kelly Sikkema
Prioritizing self-care during a stressful time of year
Fall and winter holidays such as Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas are just around the corner. For some, this time of the year is joyful, filled with family gatherings. But for others, it’s a period of sadness, loneliness, depression and anxiety. Where does that stress come from and what’s the right way to address it?
I’d like to share what I came to discover through my own reflections, discoveries and experiences (both personal and as a Peer Specialist). I used to wonder: “How can someone not feel good when fall comes with golden leaves and pumpkin-themed coffee drinks?” Let me share how I answer that question with you.
I feel S.A.D.
Have you ever felt tired and depressed when the long bright days of summer become cold, windy and rainy? When I first heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder - SAD (or seasonal depression), a light went on in my head. It suddenly made sense! I thought I was just viscerally hating late fall like many of us do. It turns out that each year, I’m experiencing SAD. It’s a real thing. But seriously, did I really need to add another medical diagnosis to my list? I guess not but it did help me better understand what was going on with me. Now that I’m aware, I can take steps to prevent and manage symptoms:
Maximize my daily exposure to light (sunlight or light therapy, open all window shades). For me this is huge. I’m like a plant, I need water and light.
Get my body moving regularly (daily if possible). I haven’t used the word “exercise” on purpose. Some people can’t and won’t do 30 minutes of medium to high intensity daily activities. So, things like walking the dog, cleaning the yard, washing the car, doing yoga in the living room work. If you can, go outside. Fresh air does miracles! As my friend Mike once said: “there is no bad weather, only bad outerwear”.
Avoid overeating and excessive (or regular) alcohol drinking. I know, that’s a tough one. I’m not a heavy drinker, but I try to avoid drinking every day during Holidays. First, my meds don’t mix too well with alcohol. Second, alcohol is a downer, so it is not good to fight depression. A couple years ago, my wife and I started to do a “dry” January (no alcohol at all). It kind of cleanse our bodies and seems to clear our minds. I also like the feeling of self-control and self-care it provides.
Remind myself to take my medication. It’s easy to forget when our routine derails during the Holidays.
Manage work-related stress, fatigue and frustration. Fall is often a busy period at work; pushing to meet yearly objectives, preparing plans and budget for the new year, performance evaluations, etc. Finding a work-life-fun balance, getting enough sleep, prioritizing and breathing or meditating do help. I highly recommend using the 4 Quadrants Check-In to balance our days and life. It’s an effective, quick and easy eye-opening tool. Is my time, energy and needs fulfillment spread evenly among all quadrants?
6. Stay connected every day. Especially if feeling depressed, I make sure to text, videoconference or call a friend or family member to catch up and share how I feel. I can attend a local/online peer support group as well. There are many available during the day and on evenings. Lastly, if no one is around, I go to my local coffee shop (when there’s no pandemic) or other public places like parks, gym, shopping mall just to see human beings. I also talk to my dogs but that could be a topic on it’s own for a future column.
The high cost of people-pleasing
“Stress, anxiety and depression are caused when we are living to please others” – Paul Coelho, lyricist and author of The Alchemist
I love this quote. Not only because I’m a people-pleaser (in recovery) but also because I did experience it first-hand. I’m an independent person and still I have always put other people first, even before my own needs and wants. For me, it feels great to help and give back. There’s no problem with that. The issue is when I overdo it without any self-consideration. When a loved one would ask for a favor, without even thinking, I would say: “Yes!” No matter if I wanted to do it, had the time or the energy to do it, or I had other conflicting commitments. At one point in my life, the cost of people-pleasing hit me hard. I was feeling unhappy and frustrated mainly at myself, so I decided to stop. Of course, the guilt kicked in at first and it was hard (and it still is) to break my old pattern. However, I quickly realized how free, happy and satisfied I was suddenly feeling. Was I being selfish? Maybe, but where does one’s selfishness start and end when self-care is concerned? I took a step back and asked myself: “Who is the most important person in my life? The answer came quickly: me! If I’m not happy, healthy and practicing self-care, how can I be of any help to others without letting myself down? Just like in airplanes, I had to learn to put my oxygen mask first.
So, that’s where people-pleasing contributes to Holiday anxiety. When I moved to the US, I realized how much Thanksgiving is a huge holiday. Bigger than Christmas. People take the whole week off to shop for groceries, cook, decorate and prepare the house for family coming from all over the country. Through my co-workers and local friends, I saw how much stress and anxiety that whole celebration put on the hosts and guests. My wife and I embraced the tradition and on a smaller scale, I felt too that urge to make everything perfect for everyone. I get a little stressed out when hosting people. I could relate to how my mother felt when all my family would gather at their house for the Christmas dinner and night. I listed below different stressors we may not be fully aware of when the Holiday season comes:
Preparing: The reach for perfection, the anticipation increasing our stress level
Hosting: All the pleasing, being everywhere at once, spinning, smiling is tiring
Deciding: To go or not to go, that’s a big one for me being away from family
Traveling: Especially when long distance driving or taking airplanes is involved
Interacting: There can be tension between family members or on-site drama
Acting: It can be hard to be our best self when we have end of year exhaustion
Leaving: Hosts wanting you to stay longer and feeling sad you are leaving
I think that using tools like box breathing (slow abdominal inhale, hold, exhale, hold – each step for 4 seconds – repeat as many sequences for 5 minutes) or writing down what I am grateful for, especially around Thanksgiving, are very useful during stressful times. The former calms my body and mind, the latter redirects my focus on the positive aspects in my life. To reduce my mother’s stress while hosting Holiday events, we would remind ourselves that what’s most important is the quality time we spend together. Not if the napkins truly match with the candles or if the turkey is perfectly tanned.
Stress and anxiety can lead to depression
How? By getting discouraged in front of what seems to be a giant task like hosting for the whole family, by telling ourselves that it’s never good enough (for all the perfectionists like me out there), by wanting to please everyone while forgetting about our own needs and limits. Those are just a few examples of the negative effect of high stress that often turns into anxiety and leads to depression. At one point, it feels heavy on the mind and body. Once the adrenaline rush is passed, fatigue and difficulty managing our emotions hit us.
On top of that, for some people, we must add experiencing SAD and end of year exhaustion. That’s a lot going on! No wonder why we hear so many people say they feel more tired after the Holidays!
On a personal note, I have to share that the Christmas Holiday brings me a feeling of guilt for being away from my family (by choice), for not meeting others’ expectations. During this period, I emotionally juggle between pleasing others or doing self-care, which makes me sad and feel depressed at times. I get so tired when the year-end comes that I just want to take a break, take care of myself, be alone with my wife and fully recharge.
Loneliness and past trauma
I’m so grateful to spend the holidays with my wife as well as staying in touch with my family and close friends. Still, I keep thinking about people who are alone, especially during that time of the year. The constant exposure to advertising of joyful family gathering can trigger the feeling of sadness and depression. With the current pandemic, things will also be different, and it might be harder to join in-person social events. However, there are a number of local peer support groups and blogs as well as mental health non-profit organizations that will maintain their online meetings. Peer-run warmlines will also remain available 24/7 to access someone to talk to if needed.
Holidays can be more complicated for those living with present or past trauma involving family. That time of year can re-open old scars for people who have lost family members, who no longer have their parents or aren’t close to their family. As a husband and peer specialist, I offer my love and support by being with the person, actively listening and empathizing with their pain. Sometimes there is no solution. Just being with someone in silence and caring is enough.
For more detailed ways to manage your mental wellness through the Holidays, check out this coping guide by NAMI.
Happy Holidays!
With fall and early winter bringing challenges like SAD, the before-during-after Holidays and end of year exhaustion, it is normal that we are experiencing increased feelings of stress, anxiety and depression. As best as we can, we can make our way through by being mindful of what is going on with us, choosing how we want to manage our emotions and thoughts, coping with our symptoms with free simple tools and taking care of ourselves first. I wish you all happy and calm Holidays!
Tell me, how do you manage your mental well-being through this time of the year?
Pat G Massicotte was born and raised in Quebec City. He spent many years in the medical/pharma industry in marketing before moving to Boston where he experienced serious mental health challenges that almost took his life. His recovery journey took him on a career shift and he became a Certified Peer Specialist in mental health. He used his presentation and training development skills to lead education committees, run peer support groups and mindfulness meditation sessions including workplaces.
More recently, Pat has pursued his dream to move to California where he joined the California Association for Mental Health Peer-Run Organizations (CAMHPRO) to take care of communications and to facilitate state advocacy workgroups and peer education webinars.
Pat is a change agent passionate about mental health education. His ultimate goal is to humanize healthcare, break the stigma, raise awareness through voicing the Peer Values, the trauma-informed model and that recovery is real, so is hope.