Meet a Voyager: Christopher Soriano-Palma

Editor’s note: I met Christopher when he reached out to me via Substack chat. I really enjoyed getting to know Christopher and was especially struck by a line of his you will see below: “Social media is a community, and communities can both help and fail you.” That is such a great way of describing the struggle around social media! Christopher’s responses are so thoughtful here. Thank you for shining your light, Christopher.

Q: Tell us about yourself- where did you grow up? What was your family like? 

I was born and raised in Watsonville, CA. It is an agricultural community located on California's central coast. I was raised in a Spanish-speaking Mexican-American household. I am the second of four siblings. 

Q: When did you start writing? What was your earliest writing about? 

I didn't know I wanted to write until I entered my third year of high school. I initially wanted to be a video game developer, but then I grew more interested in reading and storytelling. My very first serious short story was a creative writing assignment for a Spanish Literature class. I wrote a short story about a man who cannot age and die and is cursed to watch everyone else in his life die instead. It was my first attempt at writing fiction, but it led me to write more stories and poems the following summer. By the time I entered my final year of high school, I had already decided to pursue a writing career. 

Q: Can you tell us about your mental health journey? 

I did not know I was depressed until college. I took a leave of absence from my university and came home for a year. I used financial troubles as an excuse among friends. But the truth was that I was severely depressed. I willingly sought a psychiatrist and was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was the first in my family to be diagnosed with a mental illness, and it hurt to believe that there was something wrong with me and me alone. I withdrew from friends and family. I grew jealous of others who appeared happier than me. I hated how they could smile when I couldn't, which made me feel guilty for feeling angry, which made me feel ashamed, which further depressed me, and so on. It was a terrible cycle. My mental illness made me a terrible friend who ended up alone very quickly. My medication kept my mood stable but my emotions numb. I still feel numb. To be quite honest, I haven't felt happiness in over a decade. I've taken medication and attended therapy sessions for years, and that's definitely helped. I'm learning how to handle my diagnosis a little better every year. Despite the challenges, I am relieved to say I am in a much better spot than when I was first diagnosed. It took a lot to get there, though. I'm relieved to still be here. But I'm sad I lost so much time, so many years, to depression. In another life, those could have been happy years. 

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Q: What is your dream writing project? What are you most excited about now? 

I have a lot of dream writing projects. I'm constantly at work on something. I moved to Los Angeles a few years ago to continue my writing career, and I'm glad I did. I've met so many like-minded creatives who I have connected with and motivate me to keep going. Naturally being in LA, I have been working on a few screenplays, one of which has a lot of potential. I am also currently at work on a new novel about generational trauma. I'm hoping to have a good draft done by the end of the year, but we'll see. But to come back to your question, I don't think I have one specific dream project. One of the best things about being a creative person is challenging yourself with every new idea. You never know which idea is your magnum opus until the very end. So every new idea excites you more than the last one. I have too many ideas in my head to give up on. My dream is to fill up one bookshelf with my published works, a combination of my poems, stories, novels, essays, screenplays, etc. Just one shelf. If I can do that, I can die happy. 

Q: What do you think people misunderstand about depression, anxiety, and/or bipolar disorder? 

A lot, actually. Having a mental illness is having an invisible illness; you cannot clearly see it. Thus, one can imagine the characteristics of it to be part of one's personality. A person is not their mental illness, and we have a pseudo-scientific self-help mentality within American culture based solely on individualism. It is a culture that both shames people for having a mental illness and even jokes about it to someone's face. While talking about mental illness is no longer a stigma, the language we use for it has entered pop culture and delegitimizes the severity of the illness. It's not funny to joke about being "so bipolar today." There is no break from a real bipolar disorder. It's not just one day you feel your mood shift uncontrollably. It is every day. You cannot self-help your way out of deep despair. You can read all the positivity books on self-improvement all you want. But real depression is the positivity not reaching you. It is all logic thrown out the window. It is you imagining your existence is unnecessary, that the world will move on. It is the invisible fire burning you alive from the inside that there is no saving you. And it's hard to be vulnerable about it because our culture does not value vulnerability. It values a facade of strength. But true strength is in being open with your vulnerability. That you need help. That you need a hug. That you just have to call out of work today because everything is overwhelming and nothing feels right. And you know what? You deserve that damn hug. 

Q: How do you think social media influences mental health? Overall is it for the good, bad, or both? 

Mental illness on social media is a very nuanced conversation that has unfortunately never been accurately discussed. Social media is a tool. Tools are themselves neither good nor bad. There is no fail-safe tool because it will suffer the same weakness every tool has: its user. Social media is a community, and communities can both help and fail you. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I withdrew from my friends and community. I did not want to talk about what I was going through. I felt too ashamed. But one day I opened up on social media. And of all places, that's where I received the most support. Even old friends reached out to reconnect with me after reading my posts. Granted, this is not everyone's experience with social media. There are too many cases where social media becomes incredibly harmful to one's self-esteem. But I believe our culture as a whole is at fault. I am answering this interview right now as genuinely as possible in the hopes that someone with a mental illness will read this and feel less alone and more validated, and this interview itself will be shared on social media. There will be those who will never understand. But that's what's so interesting about communities. You aren't obligated to stay with the wrong ones. You have the right to build communities that will validate you and make you feel safer and more understood. Not everyone will understand you. Some will even attack you. But reach out anyway. You're doing your best. That is enough. 

Christopher Soriano-Palma was born and raised in Watsonville, CA. He graduated with an MFA in Writing from the University of San Francisco and currently lives in Los Angeles. Currently at work on several screenplays and novels, Christopher’s work includes the themes of depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. His mission to help people feel less alone by helping them share their vulnerability.

Meet a Voyager: Bryce Seto

All photos in this piece were provided by Bryce Seto.

Editor’s Note: I learned about Bryce when he reached out to me through our About page. If you are interested in being featured on Meet a Voyager, you can do the same! - Meredith

Q: Tell me a little about your background -- where did you grow up? Where do you live now?

I'm Canadian! I was born and raised in the prairies in the city of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. My dad’s side immigrated from Hong Kong in the 40's to open a restaurant. Most of the family went to San Francisco, my great grandfather ended up in Saskatchewan with my grandfather. Canada was taking in immigrants from China at the time to work on the railroad, and there was a loophole that you could forgo having to work the railroads if you opened a business. My ancestors decided to open up a hotel in the town of Humboldt, where my grandfather took over. He went back home to find a wife (my grandmother) brought her back and they had my dad. So, I'm third generation Chinese-Canadian. My mother grew up on a farm in Manitoba, and met my dad when she started working at their hotel/restaurant as a server. 

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I left Saskatoon as a teenager and ended up in Toronto, where I live now with my own family. I wanted to explore my passions in business, writing, and performing, and Toronto is the place to do it in Canada. 

Q: What about your job? What do you do and how does work fit into your life?

At my day job I'm an SVP of a consumer insights consultancy. I joined my business pre-revenue as a pure startup and have spent the past four years growing it to becoming a premier agency in North America. Prior to this I was working as an actor around Toronto, mainly through doing work in commercials, but I booked a few TV and feature film roles. 

My partner was very pregnant at the time this consultancy reached out to me, so I took the meeting and glad I did. It was important to me to be a present parent and not spend all my time at the office, and I approached the opportunity very intentional about what I needed. I negotiated to be able to work from home (this was pre-COVID), flexible work hours, and even was able to balance both my acting work and my role in the business for about a year. Eventually I had to make a decision for my career, and loved being a part of a new business so I dropped my agent and stuck with business.

I'm also currently doing an Executive MBA at Ivey, one of Canada's best business schools. I'm four months into the program and it's been an incredible addition to my life in terms of learning, network, and challenging myself. I've learned a lot about prioritization and time management this year.

Finally, I work as a writer and storyteller for many initiatives. I'm the editorial director for The Blossom Fund, which is a new fund focused on providing mental health support to Asian Canadians. I also write on my own newsletter, sharing my journey with mental health through my own lens as a businessperson, creative, father, and mixed Asian kid from Canada. 

Q: What about your family? I know you have two girls. How old are they?

I have a wonderful, supportive partner and two daughters. My girls are four and three -- we had them fifteen months apart (not on purpose). My partner and I l lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage just over three months in, and we were devastated. When the next one came along, shortly after, it felt like the most perfect gift in the world. 

I fight to make sure I have the time to be with my girls for as many drop-offs, pick-ups, and bedtimes as I can be. The bond that I've been able to build with them is the most important thing in my life and what I cherish the most. 

Q: How do you describe your mental health journey?

TW: Suicidal Ideation 

I started struggling right after I finished high school. At first I chalked up my depression to some of my first break-ups as an 18-year-old -- I mean, who hasn't been a heartbroken teenager thinking the world is over? Then I started getting flashbacks to some repressed memories I had as a child and broke down completely. 

As a teenager who wasn't ready, willing, or prepared to deal with the trauma I had rediscovered, I decided to leave home. First I moved five hours away to Edmonton, then a few years later across the country to Toronto. I figured the further I moved from home, the further away my trauma would be and I could begin to build somewhat of a life. 

For the most part I did. I started a promising career, made great friends, and spent a large part of my early twenties travelling the world. What I didn't realize at the time was how reckless I was being. I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and would go on days long benders. I experimented with hard drugs. I simply was never afraid of pushing my limits and didn't have boundaries for myself when it came to substances. I realize now that I was jumping into any hole that could let me escape for a while. 

It wasn't until I met my now partner when it changed for me. When we got together, I suddenly lost my desire to party all night and hide behind substances. I wanted to be there with her. I liked being fully present and enjoying our time, doing the lame shit couples do like spend an entire Sunday at IKEA or picnics in the park. Our first few months of dating were pure bliss, until the honeymoon period wore off and I had to live without my unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

I remember falling into a state of deep depression about six months into our relationship. I was waking up in the morning in a state of heavy fog, with intense thoughts of self harm and a desperate need to escape. One morning I woke up and stomped my way into the kitchen. I was standing by the sink, slamming some dishes around and she asked me what my problem was. I blurted out: "Honestly I'm just trying not to kill myself today."

That's the first time I ever said anything like that to anybody out loud. It shocked me when it left my mouth, but that was how I was feeling and, for whatever reason, I shared it with her. She told me to put some pants and shoes on, right now, and dragged me out of the house to the nearby mental hospital. I begrudgingly stomped along. I did not want to go, but I loved her enough to do it for her. I wanted to show her I tried and then prove to her after that there was no hope for me. 

The funny thing was, I learned pretty quickly that there was hope for me. I sat down in the sterile, empty lobby of that hospital before a social worker came and got me. She asked me a series of questions, the way I was feeling and how I was responding to situations in my life, and she blurted out pretty quickly "I think this is BPD." 

That was the first time I ever heard those letters together, I had no idea what she was talking about. She left and came back with a psychiatrist who ran me through a series of questions and diagnosed me pretty much on the spot. She sent me home with some pamphlets and resources to look into and scheduled an appointment to see her again in a few days. 

I spent the next few days Googling and reading everything I could, at first panicking and freaking out about all of the scary stats. After that initial shock wore off, I surprisingly felt relief. Relief that the way I was feeling wasn't hopeless, that there was a cause to my issues, and that I was now under the care of an institution that seemed to know what they were doing. They fast-tracked me into their BPD clinic and I spent the next year in group dialectical behaviour therapy that probably saved my life. 

Q: What do people not understand about borderline personality disorder that you wish they did?

BPD carries with it an intense stigma, where it is known as the "crazy ex girlfriend disease" and there's a lot of irresponsible memes on the internet basically saying that people with BPD will ruin your life. In a nutshell, BPD folks feel emotions more intensely than others. This can lead to dysregulation and disruptions in interpersonal relationships, but there's also, I believe, a unique beauty in how sensitive and attune BPD folks can be. 

People I know with BPD are some of the most caring, empathetic, and artistic individuals I've ever met. My BPD allows me to connect with people on a very deep level, and has inspired me to write and share my emotional journey -- which has led to some amazing opportunities in my life. Through therapy I've been able to learn awareness of my emotions and the mindfulness to be still and embrace them. This allows me to live within the depth of what I'm feeling and express it through writing or other avenues, and seeing the impact it can have on people has been incredible. 

Q: What motivates you to write about mental health? Who do you hope to reach?

I come from a family with three other brothers and a Chinese father who is quite closed off from his emotions. I love my dad and my brothers to death, but I also have witnessed how much they struggle with processing and expressing their feelings, and I made a conscious decision to not want to do that. I remember when I was a teenager, I completely exploded on my parents and broke down about some tiny issue. My dad sat me down and told me that I can't bottle up my emotions, that it's like holding poison inside of myself that will eventually kill me or spill out all at once. That resonated with me. He had the awareness to know about the poison, but he himself struggled to express his feelings and release the poison. He was speaking from experience; that was the poison that was killing him and he was begging me not to repeat it. 

Like the men in my family, my initial reaction is still to bottle up the way I'm feeling, so part of my writing is a way to force myself to be intentional about expressing my feelings. Shame thrives when it's alone; but cannot survive in connection. My writing is my way of coming out of the dark corner of my own shame and using it as a way to connect to the world. It's mainly for myself, but through that I've had a profound impact on others who have had a similar experience. 

I hope to reach anybody that is on their own mental health journey, that might need a little kick in the pants or direction to get help. I hope to resonate with people like myself; as a man from a culture that stigmatizes mental health. However, it can be anyone on that path. I believe the world is stronger when we're connected and vulnerable. 

Q: What do you think holds men back from talking about mental health?

Our society is built on toxic masculinity. It's a bit of a buzzword these days, but it's rare to find a man who was raised in Western civilization who was impacted by some version of "man up", "don't be a sissy", or some derogatory misogynistic and/or homophobic remarks that made them terrified of being looked as less than a man. We're trained from an early age to hold back our feelings and "suck it up", which makes it incredibly hard to seek out help and simply admit that we're struggling. 

For a lot of us, we'd rather die looking strong than survive, or even thrive, looking weak. We want to be seen as a gladiator, fighting the good fight with our shirts off, dignity and pride in check. Meanwhile, we are all battling the same human struggle on the inside. Cis-gendered straight men are just as emotional as women, children, gay men, or any other human. The only difference is we've been trained to hide it better. 

By being vulnerable and admitting my struggle, I hope to inspire other men to lead a life of vulnerability. I'm a successful business executive with two daughters and an amazing partner, and I struggle. I have intense emotional swings, I need support from my loved ones, I feel deeply insecure a lot of the time. And I'm still able to get shit (can I swear? If not -- "stuff") done and achieve my goals. 

Q: If you could tell the world just one thing about mental health, what would it be?

That it's not that big of a deal. 

We make mental health this massive, scary, very important issue in society. And, sure, those things are true, but mental health is simply part of the human experience. Every single human being on this planet has ups and downs with their own mental health, and we need to normalize it, eliminate the stigma, and make it so it's easier for everyone to talk about. You aren't weak because you seek help. You are human. That's simply part of the experience. 

Bryce Seto (he/him/his) is a writer, actor, revenue executive, and mental health advocate. Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, he has a mission to utilize the power of storytelling to combat mental illness and normalize the stigma of vulnerability among men and within Asian communities. He is the father of two daughters and is the co-founder of The Blossom Mental Health Fund, a nonprofit that provides mental health resources to Asian Canadians. Read more from Bryce on his newsletter or follow him on Instagram.

How Do I Fix Anxiety Quickly?

This piece was first published in 2016, so a lot of the “people are asking me” framing is because I had just started talking about mental health publicly. I am surfacing it again now, in 2023, because I am still asked “How do I fix anxiety quickly?” regularly, and hearing people share their own tale of the wave seems more important than ever.

A few days ago I got a call from a friend I've known for years. A magazine writer who frequently travels on assignment, he's a busy guy.  It wasn't unusual that I hadn't spoken with him in over a month. But as soon as I heard his voice, I knew he wanted to talk about something. I just couldn't tell what it was until he stopped his gentle beating around the bush.

"Remember when you told me you had anxiety?" he asked, peering around the hedge.

"AH! You're calling about anxiety! Gotcha. Yes, absolutely, here with you now," I said, ready to have the kind of call I've been having with increasing frequency in the past six months.

Felix Unger, half of The Odd Couple. Nothing like my friend, but since most of us with anxiety have perfectionist Tendencies, there likely are some similarities underneath.

Let's call this friend Felix. Now that we both knew why we were there, Felix came out with it.

"I have a beautiful wife and child. I have the job I've worked my whole career to achieve and get to travel around the world doing what I love to do. And yet...something's wrong. I can't feel things all the way. I don't sleep well...I think I might have anxiety too."

I asked the question I always ask: "Have you had any physical symptoms?" I explained: "For me, this was migraines, nausea, and crazy strong neck and shoulder pain. Do you have anything like that?"

He said, "I've had a knot in my throat for as long as I can remember, and my stomach feels like it's being punched all the time."

With those words, I knew that my friend was arriving at the same place I had in the middle of 2015. Hello, fellow beautiful voyager. 

Since Felix didn't know anything about my project for overthinkers, I gave him the rundown of Tell Tale Signs of an Overthinker to gauge his reaction: 

People who think deeply about the world around them. Often researchers, they're always looking for the answers. Perhaps their friends and family have said to them "you think too much" ever since they were little kids. They're sensitive and aware of the suffering of others. At times they obsessively want to "figure it all out," neglecting their other priorities.

Felix: "This is frighteningly accurate." 

He then asked the same questions that nearly everyone does in this situation: "How can I fix this? Can the fix happen quickly?" 

I'm starting to be asked these questions frequently enough that I'm forming a consistent response to them. My answer isn't super simple, but neither is anxiety. My response comes in 3 basic chunks of information. I elaborate depending on time and bandwidth of the person I'm speaking with.

Chunk #1: My timeline and my first steps

I describe being diagnosed by a neurologist with Generalized Anxiety, and then going to UCSF's Gateway office for a comprehensive diagnosis. Before working on The Beautiful Voyager, I used to tell people that what worked for me in terms of GAD (realizing that anxiety is a spectrum and not everyone with anxiety has GAD) was medication, meditation, and communication.

Chunk #2: The unique thumbprint

Over time and through working on this project, I've come to realize how truly varied the spectrum of anxiety is. Everyone's anxiety is different. What works for me won't work for Felix. But hearing stories of how others have approached and integrated anxiety into their lives will help Felix start to see how it can work in his. I tell Felix that reading books to introduce new concepts like cognitive distortions, cognitive behavioral therapy, or relaxation techniques are useful places to start. I now think of all of these things—therapy, medication, mindfulness, relaxation techniques and other grounding tactics—as being potential parts of a toolkit someone like Felix could use. Everyone needs a toolkit.

I say to Felix: To start building your anxiety toolkit, you have to know you're not feeling good. Then you have to be able to recognize feeling better when it happens, slowly at first, in glimmers and shimmers.

Chunk #3: Riding the wave

The last thing I talk about is the wave. I don't want to overwhelm Felix with information, but the wave is so crucial that it has to be mentioned.

I describe surfing anxiety's wave to Felix. (The wave is the hormone rush that we're filled with as we face the things that scare us.) I tell him that now, for the first time in my life, I know when the wave is coming, and I know how to breathe deeply when facing it. It doesn't mean I don't ever wipe out.

I end by sharing my hard won mantra: when you're surfing the wave, it's all about process, not outcome. If you want to understand our lives as beautiful voyagers, that is the truest thing I can tell you.

---

Meet a Voyager: Olga Kavina

Editor’s Note: I learned about Olga when she reached out to me through a form on this site. She is a pretty incredible designer and person, as you will see when you read on. Thank you, Olga, for shining your light with the world, and with us. All of the illustration you see here is Olga’s.

My name is Olga, I am 26 years old, and since childhood I have been suffering from mood swings, derealisation, anxiety and ADHD. As a teenager, I had many complexes and it was difficult for me to communicate with people and I had agoraphobia, so I had to transfer to homeschooling. My parents never understood my mental state and said depression didn't exist.

At the age of 16 I went to a Design college, and when I was18 years old I moved to live separately from my parents, later I entered the university for the same design and graduated from it. When I was 22 years old, I went to a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and depression. Since then, I have been undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy and taking pills. A year ago I relocated to another country. I work as a freelance illustrator. It is very difficult for me to fit into a team and I prefer to work from home and communicate only with close friends. I often feel lonely, sad and anxious, but drawing helps me. I put my feelings on paper. Also, when I have a nervous strain, I get drunk with alcohol, or I overeat very strongly. It’s hard for me to accept myself and my achievements.

I’m critical of my appearance, it’s also difficult for me to have close relationships with men, so many of my partners were unemployed abusers. Despite all this, I often feel in a good mood and euphoric. I really like to walk a lot with my beloved dog, travel, explore new places, and draw.
 I have a dream to become a psychologist or psychotherapist and help other people.

Q: Can you tell me a little about yourself — where do you live? when did you start drawing? Do you work in illustration?

My name is Olga. I'm a freelance cartoonist/illustrator. I was born in Saint-Petersburg, but relocated to Kazakhstan, because of the political situation. I don't agree with our government. I started to draw when I was 3 years old, and started to work as a freelance artist when I was a student.

Q: Can you tell us about some of your favorite illustrations? What does it feel like to "get it right"?

My favorite illustration is somewhat reminiscent of Kafka's story "Transformation". It shows a lonely girl in a creepy old room, she turns into an insect. For me, this is the personification of alienness, loneliness and rejection of me by the world.

Q: How do you find what inspires you, either topically or stylistically?

I am inspired by life, different situations, people who surround me, and travel. And books by Kafka and Sartre. I love their dreary, creepy, sometimes surreal description of human feelings.

Q: Who are some of your favorite artists in the mental health space? Do you think of yourself as being in the mental health space?

I don't particularly know specifically artists who understand mental health. I know only those who are good at conveying emotional states through their drawings. I'm very fond of Frida Kahlo, Kandinsky, and old 20th century cartoonists like Heinrich Rudolf Zille. I'm close to the mental health field myself because I've been seeing a therapist for a very long time and I have to wrestle with my thoughts and mental states every day. I'm also going to study to become a psychologist.

Q:. What do you wish people knew about your art that they might not know?

I would like people to know that my drawings are as true as possible, it's like a diary of emotions and events. I draw everything I feel and see.

Q: Who do you most hope to reach?

I wanted to show people with borderline personality disorder and depression that they are not alone. Perhaps these people would find an outlet in my drawings.

Follow Olga on Instagram or contact her if what she shared connected with you, or you want to learn more about her work.

How Social Anxiety Shows Up in My Life

I’ve been dealing with social anxiety for my entire life, but I haven’t always known it.

I used to think I was just less confident in certain situations. Or I’d think it wasn’t that bad and everyone probably had some of it.

It wasn’t until I moved to a new city (where I knew exactly 1 person) that I finally faced my social anxiety. I wanted to share 3 examples of how social anxiety shows up in my life, along with a few tips that can help you if you’re experiencing it too.

The anxiety of the cafe

When I first moved to Austin, I wanted to find a place that I could write from while being among people. So, I hopped around and explored a few different cafes.

It’s during one visit that I come face to face with my anxiety: I’m sitting outside at a café in South Austin. I don’t know anybody, and my mind starts racing. Luckily, I brought a journal with me.

As I begin writing down my anxious thoughts - “Everyone's LOOKING at me,” “everyone thinks I’m weird,” “everyone knows I’m not from here,” “everyone knows what I did last summer” - I start to feel a memory emerge.

I’m in elementary school. I don’t know how to have friends because I’ve always been the black sheep among my cousins and brothers. So, I walk around during recess alone, feeling like everyone can see that I’m deficient when it comes to making friends.

Another memory comes into view- I’m in 2nd grade and I punch my friend Erik for being cooler than me. Then he tells Mrs. Harvey who is disappointed in me, especially as I was supposed to become student-of-the-month that same day.

These childhood memories float back to the surface as I struggle with my anxiety in the present day.

All I can do is write them down and try to breathe until the emotions fade.

The anxiety of the gym

As I get more used to living in a new city, I realize I should try a new hobby.

I’ve been interested in UFC for the last few years, and I’ve already tried Jiu-Jitsu. So, I think, “let me try Muay Thai Kickboxing.”

I sign up online and get to the gym for the evening class.

As I walk in, I make eye contact with a few of the regulars, and they look meaner than your average person. I start shaking inside as I walk to the counter and look away to avoid getting my ass kicked.

At least, that’s what my brain tells me will happen.

Over the next few months, I start to feel more confident in the gym. Thanks to meeting more people seeing that the regulars aren’t so bad, I start to loosen up.

But one thing I never get over is my anxiety at seeing all the beautiful, badass women who train at the gym. I want to talk to them so bad, but if they look at me, I look away and act like I’m not interested. The truth is just that I was anxious to my teeth!

To make a long story short, I can never shake the anxiety I feel walking into the gym each day, and I quit after a few months.

I know that social anxiety contributed to my quitting this sport, despite enjoying it. It doesn’t feel good when social anxiety gets the better of you like that. But that’s not all.

The anxiety of dancing

Back in my hometown Las Vegas, I learned how to dance salsa. So, naturally, I want to use what I’ve learned to meet people in Austin.

I go out to The W Hotel to dance, and I’m gripped by fear as I stand on the sides.

My mind is telling me to ask someone to dance, but social anxiety gets the better of me. I don’t want to have to look anyone in the eye, or get rejected, or look silly as I shake off the rust of not having danced in months.

I go home and come back next week. I’m only dancing with the women who get there early and who are less intimidating. But by the time 11pm comes around, I’m feeling the social anxiety creep in.

So, I go home and wish I did better.
Why am I the one who has to fight every day just to be normal?

Why am I the only person who isn’t going on dates because he’s too socially anxious to talk to attractive people?

And why am I so peaceful at home yet so anxious among people?

What changed in my relationship with anxiety

Each of these examples come from my first year in Austin, which as I mentioned was a brand new city for me where I knew exactly one person.

I knew that I didn’t want to have anxiety for life, so I decided to tackle it with meditation and challenging myself to do things that make me anxious.

It took a long time, but I think I have a handle on my anxiety. It’s undoubtedly lessened since the first year. So, in a spirit of breaking free from anxiety, here are my top 3 tips that I learned from first-hand experience:

I developed self-compassion

Look. Anxiety is hard enough without beating ourselves up about it.

Instead of feeling bad about having anxiety, try being there for yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a friend or a younger version of yourself.

Say things like “It’s okay to experience anxiety Brandon,” “I’m here for you,” and “you’re safe with me, just breathe.”

If that sounds cheesy to you, I also thought it sounded cheesy at first. But the important thing is that it works.

Once I started being a friend to myself in anxious moments (rather than thinking there was something wrong with me), I cut my anxiety in half.

Think about it like this: By developing self-compassion, which is just being nice and kind to yourself, you’ll only have to fight anxiety. Without self-compassion, you’ll be fighting anxiety AND self-judgment.

I know what I’d rather do.

I started meditating

Using mindfulness meditation, I’ve been able to make amazing progress on my anxiety and mental health.

The cool thing about mindfulness meditation is that it undoes the root of anxiety. What do I mean by that?

Let’s look at another quick example. Recently, I’ve been feeling anxious before seeing my good friend Miriam. It never made sense to me because we’re so close. So, finally, I sat down to meditate, and what came up was amazing.

It turns out that I was anxious about seeing Miriam because she reminds me of my sister. Growing up, I bullied my sister, and this caused a fear of retaliation that I wasn’t consciously aware of.

Once I realized this, I sat through the emotions until they dissolved. And when I saw Miriam, we had an awesome time!

So, mindfulness meditation is amazing for reducing your anxiety progressively over time. And not only that, but all negative emotions: anger, guilt, fear, sadness, jealousy, etc.

If you do it long enough, you realize that your fears aren’t random. They come from past experiences that you’ve lived through but not shaken off.

I stopped fearing anxiety

As FDR said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

One thing I learned about dealing with anxiety is to not fear it. It’s not always true. In fact, it’s mostly negative programming from one’s past, being projected onto present day experiences.

By not fearing anxiety, you can have more self-compassion, and more resilience. If you realize that you don’t have to believe all the thoughts anxiety will tell you, you’re immediately less controlled by it.

So, let go of fearing fear. It’s just an emotion and some thoughts. It won’t hurt you to breathe through it.

Did you enjoy this post?

Ok, I hope this post has been helpful or at least enjoyable to read for you. To get the most out of this, answer what’s one thing you’ll take from this post and apply to your own social anxiety?

Comment your answer below and be sure to share this post on Facebook and Twitter.

Brandon Grill is a mental health copywriter based in Austin, TX. He writes copy and content for mental health professionals, such as therapists and psychologists. When he’s not working, he enjoys running, cooking, Al Pacino movies and listening to 70s music. Learn more about Brandon here.

I Was Fired From 3 Startups in One Year

Photo taken in 2015, my year of sorrow and collapse

2015 was a rough year for me.

I didn't start it thinking I’d be repeatedly hurling myself against a wall, but that's what ended up happening. I banged myself into new shapes and watched parts fall out along the way. The whole time, I kept thinking, Silicon Valley embraces failure, right?

I heard these words a lot. It was repeated so often that it was a cliché. As I looked deeper, though, and I found that the people talking publicly and glowingly about failures were often company founders looking back from the comfort of success. I realized soon enough rejection was a much less popular topic.

Rejection, the dirty little not-so-secret.

But that's why I'm writing about rejection. It's something we will all face in our lives, and after losing three startup jobs in one year, I'm an expert. The overlooked topic now fits me like a strange, mismatched glove.

I never thought I'd have three different full-time, permanent jobs in one year. Losing those jobs was tough on me and my family in ways that make “failure is good” seem like the reductive homily on a greeting card I’d happily shred, and strongly affected my mental health. 

I want to share what I learned from rejection in 2015. It was a year that showed me startups at their best — what amazing potential for growth — and their worst, where employees are barely given a first chance to succeed, much less a second, due to the focus on the short-term.

When I began 2015, I'd been at large media companies for over a decade. I felt stale and ready to tackle a new set of problems.

Startup #1

If startups were people, Startup #1 was the cool kid with great design sense who promised you everything would be better. You know, the one who talks about his fixie and goes to the new bar before it officially opens. I was the oldest person at Startup #1 and by far the least cool, but I knew the SF food and media scene. Everyone was nice to me despite my slow adaptation to Slack giphy banter.

We were a small team — seven guys plus me in a co-working space in the Tenderloin District. We released our first app in October 2014. It was meant to be first in a series of apps, but January arrived and there were still no plans for app #2. More importantly, there was no second round of funding. My job, and the fate of the company, felt extremely tenuous. When I got the “you around?” on Slack first thing Monday morning, January 5th, I knew what was coming. I headed to Showdogs, a Tenderloin hot dog restaurant, braced to have an uncomfortable good-bye conversation with the two co-founders, who were facing the prospect of repeating the same awkward conversation over and over that day.

Startup #1 Takeaway

Just because the whole company was disappearing, it still felt personal. Despite knowing that it had nothing to do with me, for the next couple weeks I found myself listening to breakup songs and moping around the house.

Startup #2

Two months later, I joined Startup #2, which had everything going for it — an experienced team, a strong mission, and ample funding with good prospects for more. “Could be a great new relationship for me,” I thought. Startup #2 was a cool kid who had grown up and stashed his skateboard in the garage but still had lots of energy, with lots of ideas and the experience to make them happen.

This startup had some money and knew how to spend it. It would pay for meals, laundry, and even housecleaning so I’d have less to worry about (which of course means more ability to focus on work). Initially, our office was a small repurposed apartment in the Castro. It was so small that to have phone conversations without disturbing each other, we made muffled calls from the coat closet. But soon enough we moved to a nice big office down the street.

Startup #2 was promising, but as with most relationships, things got more complicated as time went on. Five months in, Startup #2 decided I wasn’t who it thought I was at the beginning, and I was let go on July 3 — not the kind of independence I was hoping to celebrate that week.

Startup #2 takeaway 

Startups grow quickly, and they change quickly. I still don’t exactly understand why it was that I was fired. But I did understand that when my boss said, “You don’t seem happy,” he was right. A week after I was fired, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder by a neurologist I went to for migraine treatment. It was an easy diagnosis for her, she said, because in her practice she sees many tech professionals (anxiety turns out to be a surprisingly common affliction in the tech industry, as well as in other high-risk, high-reward professions). Figuring out I was experiencing anxiety took me 39 years. The enormity of the discovery softened the blow of my professional rejection, though it still aches like an old war wound some nights.

Startup #3

I met Startup #3 in late September through a mutual friend. Small, deeply customer-focused, and (gasp!) profitable from the start, Startup #3 seemed like an anomaly in Silicon Valley (in a good way).

“This one really is different,” I said to myself.

Aunt Verna Mae in Kansas, literally.

I’d describe Startup #3 as self-made and down-to-earth. Startup #3 was (and is) genuinely committed to building tools that users need and want, even if the tools aren’t sexy. For example, Startup #3 cares about making your Aunt Verna Mae in Kansas feel comfortable, even though it’s her first time on this newfangled internet.

Our first month together was great — or so I thought. Then I got my very first feedback: a sheet of paper detailing misunderstandings and shortcomings. It took a few more weeks for Startup #3 to figure out that it didn’t quite know what it was looking for when it hired me, but now it did: someone with a few traits that I just don’t have.

Final Takeaway

The worst experience — being fired two weeks before Christmas and after only two and a half months on the job — led to the best takeaway (third time’s the charm!). I didn’t take it personally this time. It wasn’t a fit for either of us. Rather than carry the awkwardness of the moment, I took the opportunity to ask the founder detailed questions about my performance. Her answers helped me feel like I really understood the reasons behind the poor fit. That left me free of the nagging doubt I’d had after the prior two jobs, the constant speculation of “What if I had…” or “Why…?”, which can keep a person up at night.

What I Learned From These Startups

• Losing a job isn’t necessarily a failure, nor a cause for embarrassment.

• I learned a lot about the people around me by how they reacted to my rejection.

• I’m married to the right person; not everyone could handle what I’ve been through. At every step he’s given me perspective and made my experience better.

• The ability to depersonalize rejection — even when it is personal — is a super power I’ve been granted by my year of startups.

The risk of startups isn’t just whether they succeed or fail. Just as risky, for people working there, is that your value is dependent upon the whim of a very small group of people, and often just one. They hire quickly; they can tire quickly; they fire quickly. It may seem cruel, and sometimes it is, but there’s a coldly rational reason for it. Tech is a cutthroat industry where getting to market and getting funding is crucial. This puts a lot of stress on founders, who then may make rash decisions as a result.

Under pressure, some coal turns into diamonds, but a lot of it just turns to dust.

Does everyone who goes through this volatile world come out more resilient? We’ll know when the rejection of workers is seen as being as sexy as the failure of CEO’s.

If failure helps a person learn, then perhaps dealing with rejection helped me become braver.

I don’t relish my head’s recent intimacy with the wall. But I’m still intact. I’m less scared about work than I’ve ever been. I’m not even scared about having you read this, and having my name right next to the word REJECTION. Considering how banged up I am, that’s saying a lot.

Originally published Dec 28, 2015 // Last edited Jan 19, 2023

I Love This App: Loóna

An act of love: the making of a new Loóna dreamscape

As someone who works in both technology and mental health, I get emails about new apps. A lot of emails. Like 5-10 a week. For the most part, I scan through the press releases and just keep moving. “Nothing new here",” I often think to myself.

A few months ago, one of those emails caught my eye. Was it the mention of the 2021 Apple Design Award that did it? Yes, and…Loóna felt different from the get-go. Even though I was offered a free trial of the app, I actually paid my own hard, cold cash for Loóna. I can’t exactly even articulate why I did that, except to say that I felt the experience deserved to be paid for. It felt like art.

Loóna is a creative inspiring experience that feels connected to the tactile world.

At heart, Loóna is an immersive, 3-D storytelling experience that brings sound, color, light, and texture to life. My busy overthinky brain is drawn to experiences that feel both soothing and engaging, and weirdly, there isn’t too much that fits the bill (I play way too much TwoDots already). The way it works: You are brought into a “dreamscape” which you slowly bring to life by adding color and light with your clicks as you listen to a story unfold. The audio work is impeccable, as is the storytelling. Everything is thoughtful.

I was lucky enough to get to meet a couple of members of the Loóna team (originally based in Warsaw but also distributed) and confirmed my suspicions — this is an unusually dedicated group who spends hundreds of hours crafting each experience. I asked them if I could do a little profile on how they work. What follows is their answers to my questions about their process.

BEVOYA: Where do you find the inspiration for a new Loóna escape?

LOÓNA: Our escapes combine an interactive visual experience with a relaxing story, so the idea for a new escape can come from the artists as well as from the writers. All of us are inspired by different things—books, movies, video games, Pinterest boards, our personal experiences.

Once in a while the content team sits down for a brainstorming session where we present and discuss our ideas to draw up a shortlist. They can be nostalgic, like someone's favorite food truck, or something fantastical, like the throne room of the Fall Fairy. Everyone contributes to the shortlist with their expertise, so you could also say we inspire each other as we go.

The team hard at work in Warsaw

BEVOYA: How long does the whole process of making an escape take, start to finish?

LOÓNA: It can take anywhere from 4 to 8 months for the full cycle from the brainstorming session to a ready-for-release escape, complete with narration, visual effects, and original music. The time frame depends on the complexity of the task.

Bringing the sketches to life.

A good example here is "Shoot for the Moon", the escape inspired by Katherine Johnson, a famous American mathematician and the first black female engineer at NASA. To honor her life's story, careful research was required from our artists, sound designers, and writers alike.

Coming to life

This is where audio magic happens.

BEVOYA: Are some of the escapes more popular than others? Can you tell what traits make the popular ones?

LOÓNA: We know for a fact that every escape in our library is someone’s favorite. Each Loónarian—as our users like to call themselves—has a top 3 or top 5 of stories that resonate with them deeply for a specific reason.

At the same time, there are a few all-time hits that seem to work for everyone, such as "Heartwarming Brooklyn", "The Lily Harbour", and "Dreams we have as children". In our experience, the most popular stories are those that contain nostalgic settings, beautiful nature, fantasy elements, and, of course, cute and fluffy creatures!

BEVOYA: Have you thought about expanding the use case of escapes from sleep into other areas -- like emotional regulation for example?

LOÓNA: Certainly. That’s how the idea of Loóna Shorts came into play. These are 5-minute interactive sessions with narratives based on conceptual metaphor theory. Unlike full-length escapes, whose main goal is to distract the user from negative thoughts and help them fall asleep, Shorts gently encourage the user to face the issue and engage with it for a limited amount of time.
We have received a lot of feedback from Loónarians about the Shorts helping them with anxiety, low self-esteem, panic attacks, and yes, emotional regulation.

BEVOYA: What's the hardest stage of making the escape?

LOÓNA: I'd say the hardest part of the process is to decide which parts of the concept will make it into production and which parts we'll have to drop because of the technical limitations on user devices or the production schedule. When we brainstorm we let our imagination run wild, but at the end of the day, we want our product to be accessible and helpful to as many people as possible.

BEVOYA: Thank you for spending time with me and for making such a beautiful app, Loóna!

My Weighted Blankets

Husband and daughter holding up the 12 lb Baloo Weighted throw for size comparision

These are the four weighted blankets I actually own and use at my house. I’ve been using weighted blankets since 2016, and have learned that there are definitely different types for different needs. I wanted to show you the ones I’ve landed on for myself and my family, pointing out some of the differences between each and hard-won learnings I’ve had over the years. If you’re in the market for a weighted blanket, the things I would think about most are: What texture do I want against my skin? How hot do I tend to get when I sleep? And, Do I live with destructive creatures that might require me to get a more durable blanket?

#1: The 12-lb Baloo Weighted Throw

Costs $159.00 Size 42x72 inches

From their marketing materials: “Baloo offers the only 100% cotton weighted blanket on the market (zero plastic, polyester, or synthetic liners). What sets us apart is the high quality of our materials and our cool, premium cotton that can be used comfortably year-round in any climate. We offer duvet covers for additional protection of your blanket and have been called "The Best Weighted Blanket for Hot Sleepers,” endorsed by The Wirecutter, InStyle, Goop, & others. We want people to have this option available to them in hopes it will help them in those hard-to-deal-with moments.” This 12-lb throw is their bestseller. I really like the cool cotton feel of this one, though with our dogs you gotta be careful about the white color. White is a young person’s game. LOL.

#2 The 25-lb Layla Weighted Blanket

Costs $159.00 Size 80x87 inches

This is not my dog.

From the Layla website: “The top side of our weighted blanket is made of plush, soft, mink-like fur. The other side is 300 thread-count 100% cotton that provides a clean, soft, and easily washable surface.”

I bought the Layla weighted blanket because of the photo above on the left. I needed a blanket that would withstand the sharp claws of my nervous-but-darling Taiwanese mountain dog (a dog many people mistake for a coyote). Sleeping with my two dogs is one of my great treats in life, but it can be hard with a weighted blanket. In fact, the first weighted blanket I had would get torn without me knowing, and then plastic beads would mysteriously end up all of the bed. It took me too long to realize what was actually happening. For this reason I’ve gotten very strict about the type of weights that are in the blanket.

“The Layla Weighted Blanket has small glass beads sewn between two layers of poly-fill batting to keep the blanket quiet as a mouse. Hexagon quilting keeps the weight spread evenly across the entire blanket. Unlike many other weighted blankets, it’s completely washable.”

I can confirm that the plush side is incredible, and that my Yuka’s claws have never been able to rip or tear this blanket — and that is an accomplishment.

#3: The 20-lb Hush Iced Queen (First gen)

Costs $199.00 in 2019 Size Queen, 80x87 inches

This is one of my older blanket, back from 2019. According to the Hush marketing materials this is “This is the first ever cooling weighted blanket, and the only full sized and premium weighted blanket made from bamboo on the market. Others sell the inner only as bamboo, and some change the color of their polyester plush cover to blue and call it a cooling blanket, but it's the same materials as their winter blanket. We believe we truly created a special product here in the fabric and its properties.”

In the three years since I got this blanket, things may have changed, but I can tell you that I keep this blanket up in our little loft sleeping area which tends to be hot. The cooling bamboo works — this is the only blanket I would want up there.

#4: The 20-lb Brushed Microfiber

Costs $170.00 in 2018 Size Queen, 80x87 inches

Back in the early days of Beautiful Voyager I experimented with different ways to get the site to pay for itself, and one of those ways was a partnership with Therapeutic Weighted Blankets. The blankets sold like crazy! The woman behind the site, Lisa, who sews the blankets herself, offered me a free blanket (so nice!). I really loved this blanket. Even though it’s 20 lbs, for some reason it felt heavier than any of the other blankets.

I see that this site now has a variety of blankets — cooling, plush, etc. If you want to support a small family-owned business, this is a great one.

My daughter loved this blanket as much as I did.